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Author Topic: Merging Family Humor - Teaching Boys Man Stuff  (Read 2705 times)

B9noMore

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Merging Family Humor - Teaching Boys Man Stuff
« on: September 04, 2006, 12:03:13 pm »

I hope this is okay to put here. I'd appreciate some feedback about my writing, especially formating sentences and stuff. Thanks,
B9noMore
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I had the good fortune to marry a single mom. A lady with guts and attitude, she had done a masterful job of teaching her 10 year old daughter and twin 7 year old boys good manners, respect, and those delightful little courtesies we all admire in children.

When we married, we married for love. We did not agree on politics and just one or two thousand other things. But we did share the same values and character choices.

I had my hands full from day one, I did not know how to be a parent. Totally convinced of the parenting skills of my bride, I turned to her frequently for guidance. She is one in a million, incredibly patient as I learned to be a parent, on her kids. My mistakes were countless of course, but I tried with all my being to be the best parent I could be.

From a happy bachelor to a happy husband/parent is not an event, but rather a long and difficult process, also the best choice of my life. That said ladies, please forgive the frankness about to follow. I feel it is imperative to make this paper real and true to be useful. With that in the fore, here we go...

After our honeymoon, we collected the kids and joyfully drove to our happy little home. The kids were hungry for a dad, and delighted in calling my attention to absolutely everything, every waking moment, of every day.  At long last, is was time for the kids to go to bed, yet another routine in which I had zero understanding. Finally the house was quiet, so my bride and I enjoyed a bit of quiet time together before genuine fatigue sent me off to bed.

All of my personal routines were in need of adjustment, I had to learn most of these the hard way. For example, I had been sleeping in my birthday suit for nearly 20 years and could see no reason to change. The very first doggone thing in the morning, about an hour before I customarily wake up, I was startled half to death by three delightful and loving children bellowing, “Good morning Daddy! Good morning Mommy!” On top of this rude awakening, they were cheerful. I hadn't even had coffee yet.

“Can we get in bed with you?! Huh?! Please! Please! Please!” At that moment, the horror of being naked in my own bed hit me. I turned to my loving bride and saw a mostly sly smile and one slightly raised eyebrow.

Oh.

Man, I had a very long way to go. This dad thing was going to change one or two of my sacred rituals. I was clearly unprepared for parenthood. Ladies, again, please forgive my frankness.

The very next night, I awoke at some middle-of-night hour with the need to visit the powder room. Another of my sacred little rituals was to do this in the dark in hopes of not waking myself up any more than necessary. For a fellow to do this, one must sit on the throne or risk missing with his customarily excellent aim. An so it was that I discovered, personally, for the very first time in my life, why mothers everywhere insist that boys raise the lid prior to doing their business.

After cleaning the toilet, lid and half the bathroom floor, I showered and returned to bed. The next morning, my darling wife explained that both the boys did in fact, lift the lid to do their business. This was my first inkling of the many choices single moms have to make every day. They often have to choose the least of several awful choices: there simply is not enough time in the day for a single parent to do all that needs to be done: to teach, love and play with multiple children; plus earn a living, wash the laundry, do the shopping, clean the house, have a life, cook the meals, help with homework and so much more. Single parenting is unbelievably difficult. So the wet toilet seat mystery had thus remained unsolved. This special mom just cleaned the can, frequently. I was amazed that I agreed with her, but at least I could clean it too.

About a week later I stayed very late at work on Friday to finish catching up from the honeymoon, so my lovely wife and children were very quiet on Saturday morning and let “Dad” sleep late. So it was that I was in the shower around 10AM when one of the boys banged on the door and yelled, “Dad, can I use the toilet?”

“Come on in!” said this still new dad. Soon my son was doing his business, and I thought I'd have some fun. I pulled back the shower curtain a mite to toss a little water at him. What I saw still cracks me up to this day. The toilet lid was up alright, but he was looking everywhere in the bathroom but at his, uh, “target”. As he turned his head to look at this or that, his aim moved accordingly. Thus he was doing a magnificent job of spraying the southern end of the bathroom. The wet toilet seat mystery was solved.

Now for the solution. My wife had somehow already managed to teach me that the children's self-esteem needed to be considered in most things. So I managed to keep my mouth shut till I thought about this for awhile. It finally occurred to me that my wife had taught the boys how to pee. As bright as she is, she just ain't qualified. I giggled to myself about this while deciding how to go about my first “Dad lesson” for my sons on how to be men.

A while later, with a solution figured out, I thoughtlessly decided that a dose of humor was called for. I came into our living room where the whole family was together and announced that I was about to give lessons on how to pee like a man. “Is anyone interested?” I gleefully asked, to which both boys jumped up and yelled, “I do! I do! I do! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!”

“Come on guys! We'll do this together!” and we were off to the bathroom all excited that we were about to do “man stuff” together. As we were leaving the living room, I had a brief glimpse of two bright red faces; my wife and daughter. We were to the bathroom door before I realized I had trashed the decorum that my wife had skillfully crafted over the last 7 years.

Oops.

Ladies, truly I am a gentleman, well I try everyday of my life to be so. Now that we have been married for 19 years, my wife has concluded that I am as close to one as there is. The problem you see, is that I am male, and as such am prone to doing male type stuff, thus displacing any image whatsoever gentility.

In the bathroom with the door closed and the lid raised, with a 7 year old son on each side of me, I noisily cleared my nasal passages and spit in the toilet. Then I aimed carefully and proceeded to shoot my spit as only males can do. The boys were mightily impressed, and proceeded to mimic this time honored method of keeping the lid dry. Two seconds later, son #1 yelled that his brother was peeing on his spit, to which son #2 replied that son #1 had peed on his spit first. Though finally peeing like they are supposed to, they were still acting like 7 year olds. Problem solved.
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coloradohermit

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Re: Merging Family Humor - Teaching Boys Man Stuff
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2006, 12:21:30 pm »

Very entertaining and well written. Brought back a few memories of learning to step-parent almost 30 years ago. As a step-mom, I only shared one of the experiences you mentioned, but had quite a few 'routine adjustments' of my own.
   And welcome aboard! Love the name............
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Rarick

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Re: Merging Family Humor - Teaching Boys Man Stuff
« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2006, 12:32:15 pm »

As I get up up of the floor wiping the tears from my eyes, I have memories of the "Snot Rag" incident.  Excellent point, guy humor and methodology isn't always sane to the girls, and vice versa.

I think you just explained your handle too?
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B9noMore

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Re: Merging Family Humor - Teaching Boys Man Stuff
« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2006, 02:02:17 pm »

coloradohermit, you made my day!

Quote
I think you just explained your handle too?

Rarick: Thanks! The kids probably helped me become aware, they pulled most of the kids stunts on me that kids do. So many moments... :laugh:

The handle has to do with me waking up to the govern-u-&-yer-thots b'rats about 10 years ago. I like me (kind, gentle, mild: benign), but I had to learn the hard way who I let see that. At the very top of my do-not-show-nice list is b'rats of any kind (I hate blanket statements ;-)). After being a hard ass as a kid, I just don't like to be that way any more. However, being nice to govern-u-&-yer-thots b'rats is a truly dumb thing to do in my experience. So... no more Mr. Nice Guy. Thus, I am B9noMore with govern-u-&-yer-thots b'rats.

B9noMore
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Rarick

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Re: Merging Family Humor - Teaching Boys Man Stuff
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2006, 03:10:53 pm »

Regular english please, I don't know SMS speak.
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........Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side, a darkside and holds the universe together.  It is theoretically reinforced with strings too.  (The dome has a darkside, lightside and strings of rebar for reinforcement too!)
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Most of the time news is about the same old violations of the first principles of consent and golden rule with a dash of force thrown in........ with just enough duct tape to be believable.

B9noMore

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Re: Merging Family Humor - Teaching Boys Man Stuff
« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2006, 08:58:11 pm »

Rarick,

Quote
Regular english please, I don't know SMS speak.

Glad to, what is SMS speak so I don't do it again?

B9noMore
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Rarick

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Re: Merging Family Humor - Teaching Boys Man Stuff
« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2006, 01:49:52 am »

u-r, in fat u 8  with all the dash stuff.  I spend more time deciphering than reading.
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........Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side, a darkside and holds the universe together.  It is theoretically reinforced with strings too.  (The dome has a darkside, lightside and strings of rebar for reinforcement too!)
-------------------------------------------
Most of the time news is about the same old violations of the first principles of consent and golden rule with a dash of force thrown in........ with just enough duct tape to be believable.

B9noMore

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Re: Merging Family Humor - Teaching Boys Man Stuff
« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2006, 01:20:13 pm »

Rarick: I'm new here, thanks for the tip. This is the translation.

The handle has to do with me waking up to the [govern you and your thoughts type] bureaucrats about 10 years ago. I like me (kind, gentle, mild: benign), but I had to learn the hard way who I let see that. At the very top of my [do not show nice] list is bureaucrats of any kind. Being nice to bureaucrats is a truly dumb thing to do in my experience. That is why I choose B9noMore.
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Rarick

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Re: Merging Family Humor - Teaching Boys Man Stuff
« Reply #8 on: September 05, 2006, 07:23:08 pm »

Okay.
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........Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side, a darkside and holds the universe together.  It is theoretically reinforced with strings too.  (The dome has a darkside, lightside and strings of rebar for reinforcement too!)
-------------------------------------------
Most of the time news is about the same old violations of the first principles of consent and golden rule with a dash of force thrown in........ with just enough duct tape to be believable.
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