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General Interest => General Discussion => Topic started by: Mr. Bill on September 24, 2004, 05:11:01 pm

Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on September 24, 2004, 05:11:01 pm
An exhalted member whose name I am unworthy of typing has suggested that there could be more humor around here.  So here's a place for it.

[The following is a REAL letter to the editor from way back in Nov 1989 that appeared in the Christchurch (New Zealand) Press:]

Sir,-- The media tell us every day that the so-called communist countries are rapidly developing into full capitalism, under various internal and external pressures. They are opting for a capitalist system of unplanned greed, which involves such benefits as drug-selling, unemployment, brothels, homeless people, millionaires and aimless destruction of the environment.  Fortunately, there is one socialist country untouched by this mad rush to return to a "me-first" economy. That country is the People's Republic of Albania, the only land with no debts, no unemployment and a steadily rising standard of living, based on the original principles of socialism and community living. --Yours, etc., J. LOCKE.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 24, 2004, 05:15:30 pm
Oh, I was gonna post this anyway so Claire would see it:

What happens when you:

1) have nothing to do

2) own a sharp knife

3) have a large lime

4) own a patient cat

5) drink too much tequila

6) and it's football season?

Click if you dare (http://media.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/877/pic19490.jpg)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on September 24, 2004, 05:25:59 pm
[Monkeywrenching the War on Drugs! An item from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, 1/31/1994:]

DRUG LAB FALSE ALARM

[Accompanying photo shows 2 cops in head-to-toe chemical protective gear, gas masks, etc. peering into a car trunk.] Two Seattle police officers wearing special protective gear check a car reported to have a drug lab in the trunk. Police cordoned off the 1500 block of First Avenue yesterday after a man flagged down a bicycle officer and said, "I have a drug lab in the trunk of my car and want to turn myself in," police said. Seattle fire and police crews rushed to the scene at 12:15 p.m., but found only poppy seeds and "benign chemicals" in the late-model Ford parked at First Avenue and Pike Street, police Sgt. E.I. Sano said. The man was not arrested, Sano said. The chemicals were taken to a lab for analysis, and traffic returned to normal just before 2 p.m.

[Can you imagine if he tried this stunt today?  He'd be locked up for chemical terrorism and a dozen other charges.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 24, 2004, 05:29:58 pm
Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Democratic National Committee to elect John Kerry, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids".  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on September 24, 2004, 05:48:07 pm
Quote
Oh, I was gonna post this anyway so Claire would see it:
 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on September 24, 2004, 05:49:28 pm
I love the cat.  Mine would strangle me with my own entrails if I tried that.

One more item out of my filing cabinet -- and a DISCLAIMER since nobody here knows me yet: I am NOT poking fun at black people. I would be poking fun at self-appointed pro-affirmative-action black "leaders", but this woman (whose name I'll omit out of pity) does it to herself fine without my help.  Here she is on the local TV news in A Small Northwest City, complaining that there aren't enough black employees on the city payroll:

"I don't believe that, um, black peoples is so dumb that they cannot, um, push 'em or drive 'em more when they hiring those temporary jobs like there the mow the lawn."

Caught that on a VCR tape by accident, and played it a dozen times to capture that amazing sentence verbatim.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on September 24, 2004, 05:58:37 pm
Scientists at the Rand have created this model (http://users.net1plus.com/scottm/HomeComputer.jpg) to illustrate how a "home computer" could look like in the year 2004.

(Credit: Radley Balko (http://www.theagitator.com/archives/014578.php#014578))
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 24, 2004, 09:37:20 pm
Sheesh, good thing Rand wasn't the only ones working on things. THough they did say something about technology not yet invented. But this isn't funny, exactly... hmmn...

Somewhat Amusing personality test (http://www.cmi-lmi.com/enterppp.html) - I'm a "Discoverer" myself.

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on September 24, 2004, 10:15:05 pm
http://melaman2.com/tvshows/index.html (http://melaman2.com/tvshows/index.html)

...and long may their story be told.

(including Mr. Ed)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 24, 2004, 10:33:07 pm
Conversations between pilots and control towers

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the  world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
==================================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
==================================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is  a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the  little Fokker in sight."
==================================================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What  was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
==================================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
==================================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
==================================================

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

==================================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
" Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
==================================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 235.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.

By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on  the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
 
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and          yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

==================================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and  I'll have enough parts for another one."
==================================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark --and I didn't land."
==================================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US
Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
 
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Misfit on September 24, 2004, 10:40:17 pm
Quote
Scientists at the Rand have created this model to illustrate how a "home computer" could look like in the year 2004.


I'm just wondering what the heck the big steering wheel is for.... :blink:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on September 24, 2004, 10:55:59 pm
Quote
Oh, I was gonna post this anyway so Claire would see it:
Comment I got on my blog:
Quote
He looks pretty tough, like a good limeman.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 24, 2004, 11:03:39 pm
Quote
Quote
Scientists at the Rand have created this model to illustrate how a "home computer" could look like in the year 2004.


I'm just wondering what the heck the big steering wheel is for.... :blink:
I think it might be an early router.... <twinkle>  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Misfit on September 24, 2004, 11:05:14 pm
Quote
Somewhat Amusing personality test - I'm a "Discoverer" myself.

Yep, Discoverer too... wonder if that's common for the folks here at TCF
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 24, 2004, 11:09:59 pm
I'm sure we'll find out.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: gunnerclark on September 24, 2004, 11:17:08 pm
The computer of tomorrow is a photoshop of several items. The printer part and the tv is shopped in. The main part is a display of a nuclear power plant control panel. The wheel raises and lowers the rods.
I do not have a link but that is what one guy commented on another blog. He was a nuc tech during the 50's and worked on a later model
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 24, 2004, 11:20:26 pm
Hmmn. Interesting though that information may be, I think it is not silly. Boy, are you in trouble NOW.

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas / Holiday stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 20 Catholic, 10 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran,  7 Baptists and 3 Jewish.
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 24, 2004, 11:23:17 pm
THE CLASS OF 2005
Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:
 
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
 
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
 
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.

They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
 
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
 
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
 
The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.
 
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
 
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
 
They have always had an answering machine.
 
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
 
They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
 
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
 
Feeling old Yet? There's more:
 
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
 
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

Michael Jackson has always been white.
 
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
 
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
 
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
 
They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
 
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.
 
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
 
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
 
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)
 
They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"
 
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
 
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands.

There has always been MTV.
 
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
 
Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some other old fogies...but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: byron on September 25, 2004, 01:52:07 am
Personality Test: I am a "merchant"
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on September 25, 2004, 02:18:16 am
Dreamer-Minstrel

O-Bla-Di
O-Bla-Da...
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on September 25, 2004, 05:11:25 am
My barber charges only 7 bux for a haircut, 3 for a beard trim. His barbershop is on a major thoroughfare and parking is at a premium. He makes his money in volume (one saturday, he did 150 people by himself). So, he paid for 2 loading zone spots in front of the shop. The last time I was in, he was cracking me up with stories about other businesses and those spots, those will have to wait, and most likely were the type of story where "you had to be there."
However, he told some stories about bus loads of old men from retirement homes where he placed ads in their newsletters. Some seemed to be true and were funny - maybe I can relate them later.
I told you all that to tell you this (paraphrasing Bill Cosby). This one didn't seem like he really heard it from one of them:

Old guy (OG) goes to the doctor for a checkup.
Dr.: How is everything with you?
OG: Pretty good, doc, every morning precisely at 6:30 I empty my bladder, all systems are go there.
Dr: Good, good what else.
OG: Then every morning at 7:30 I empty my bowels and my colon stays good and clean.
Dr: Sounds great for a guy your age.
OG: Well, it would be, except I never get out of bed until 9:00.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Claire on September 25, 2004, 07:14:46 am
Quote
Somewhat Amusing personality test (http://www.cmi-lmi.com/enterppp.html) - I'm a "Discoverer" myself.
Your distinct personality, The Benevolent Ruler might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. You are the idealistic social dreamer. Your overriding goal is to solve the people problems of your world. You are a social reformer who wants everyone to be happy in a world that you can visualize. You are exceptionally perceptive about the woes and needs of humankind. You often have the understanding and skill to readily conceive and implement the solutions to your perceptions. On the positive side, you are creatively persuasive, charismatic and ideologically concerned. On the negative side, you may be unrealistically sentimental, scattered and impulsive, as well as deviously manipulative. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

Benevolent ruler???? Scary!  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Claire on September 25, 2004, 07:20:15 am
Quote
Oh, I was gonna post this anyway so Claire would see it:
 
Claire is speechless while she cleans tea-spray off her keyboard.  :lol:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on September 25, 2004, 08:20:38 am
Okay, here's something funny.  Perplexing, but funny in an "it's six in the morning and I should already be working, so anything that keeps me from that fate for a moment must be funny" kind of way.

Quote
our distinct personality, The White Knight, might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. Don Quixote was a White Knight as was Joan of Arc, the Lone Ranger and Crusader Rabbit. As a White Knight you expect nothing in return for your good deeds. You are one of the true "Givers" of the world. You are the anonymous philanthropist who shares your wealth, your time and your life with others. To give, is its own reward and as a White Knight you seek no other. On the positive side you are merciful, sympathetic, helpful, giving and heroic. On the negative side you may be impulsively decisive, sentimental and misdirected. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

This is wrong enough to be funny, I guess.  Maybe when I wake up it'll be a real knee-slapper.

Who wrote this dumb personality test?  Most of the time I answered the questions at random, because I couldn't attach meaningful priorities to the choices.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on September 25, 2004, 09:04:54 am
The Prime Minister (well, maybe of the Kingdom of Joe).  

===================================================
I never set out to be weird. It was always other people who called me weird.
- Frank Zappa
[/size]
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on September 25, 2004, 09:05:47 am
Got to love those lawyers

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q:  And what were you doing at that time?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in their sleep,
they don't know about it until the next morning?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And was Mr. Dennington dead at that time?
A:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy!
---------------------------------------------------
Q:  Doctor, before your performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A:  No.
Q:  Did you check for blood pressure?
A:  No.
Q:  Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q:  So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A:  No.
Q: How can you be so sure Doctor?
A:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere!

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bear on September 25, 2004, 11:06:35 am
Quote
QUOTE
Somewhat Amusing personality test - I'm a "Discoverer" myself.

Yep, Discoverer too... wonder if that's common for the folks here at TCF


And another one!

Bear
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mos2 on September 25, 2004, 11:08:51 am
Quote
Quote
Scientists at the Rand have created this model to illustrate how a "home computer" could look like in the year 2004.


I'm just wondering what the heck the big steering wheel is for.... :blink:
It's an early form of the mouse. :-)
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 25, 2004, 12:31:41 pm
Quote
Benevolent ruler???? Scary!
Now I know why I've always had this vague suspicious feeling around you....  :blink:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 25, 2004, 12:43:36 pm
Quote
Quote
Oh, I was gonna post this anyway so Claire would see it:
 
Claire is speechless while she cleans tea-spray off her keyboard.  :lol:
Does this count as lese mageste?  :D  Well, it seems to have been a hit, anyway. Hmmmn... what else has it got in its pocketses?

Andy Rooney says, "As I grow in age, I value older women most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
 
An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to
ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
 
An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she
is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50
give a damn what you might think about her.
 
An older single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful
relationships" and "commitment." The last thing she needs in her life is another
dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
 
Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with
you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant or show up at
your place at 2:00 AM. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate
to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. We often deserve it,
but they are too smart to think they can get away with it.
 
Most older women cook and entertain well.
 
An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women
friends.
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend
because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women think, "Hey,
if you want her instead of me, go for it.'"
 
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins
to an older woman. She always knows.
 
An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not
true of younger women or drag queens.
 
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier
than her younger counterpart. Her libido's stronger, her fear of pregnancy
gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal, and she's lived long
enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never
dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to.) She's more
selective as she gets older, too.
 
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if
you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You can relax, because she
wants (demands?) you to be honest, too.
 
Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, successful, smart, well-coifed
babe of 60, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of
himself with some 29 year old cocktail waitress.
 
Ladies, I apologize for all of us. - Andy Rooney.


 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: SFriesth on September 25, 2004, 02:31:45 pm
The personality test  - White Knight

The Flagon with Dragon has the brew that is true.

Scott
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: kbarrett on September 25, 2004, 04:02:11 pm
Quote
Quote
Scientists at the Rand have created this model to illustrate how a "home computer" could look like in the year 2004.


I'm just wondering what the heck the big steering wheel is for.... :blink:
It was for the Naval vessel control room that the background was photoshopped out of.

"It must be true! I saw it on Internet!"
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on September 25, 2004, 08:49:26 pm
Funniest putdown I've heard all day:
He's so dumb he couldn't count his balls and come up with the same number twice!
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mac the Knife on September 25, 2004, 08:58:32 pm
Prime Minister. I will have to think on this. :unsure:

Quote
Your distinct personality, The Prime Minister might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. You are a strategist who pursues the most efficient and logical path toward the realization of the goal that you perceive or visualize. You will often only associate with those people who can assist you in the implementation of your plan. Inept assistants may be immediately discarded as excess baggage. To do otherwise could be seen as inefficient and illogical. On the positive side, you can be rationally idealistic and analytically ideological. You can be a bold decision maker and risk taker who can move society ahead by years instead of minutes. On the negative side, you may be unmerciful, impatient, impetuous and impulsive. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: ladylearning on September 25, 2004, 09:43:20 pm
Quote


Somewhat Amusing personality test (http://www.cmi-lmi.com/enterppp.html) - I'm a "Discoverer" myself.
Dreamer-Minstral   :rolleyes:

LL
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: mantispid on September 25, 2004, 11:49:00 pm
I too, am a Discoverer.
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 25, 2004, 11:55:47 pm
For a bunch of non-conformists, we seem to always test out about the same way too often. Gonna hafta work on that... <grin>  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on September 25, 2004, 11:55:53 pm
(This one is a few months old but I'll post it anyway:)

"As you may have heard, the U.S. is putting together a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? Think about it -- it was written by very smart people, it's served us well for over two hundred years, and besides, we're not using it anymore."
--Jay Leno
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 25, 2004, 11:57:24 pm
Hmmmn... I am tempted to say that is too true to be funny. Depressing I don't need tonight...  :blink:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Basil Fishbone on September 26, 2004, 01:23:48 am
Dan Rather ('Blather' Rather) was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when Rather turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to Rather, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know" said Rather, "How about politics? Should we keep Bush as president or elect Kerry?"

"OK" said Tommy, "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same  stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patties, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that is?"

"Jeez" said Rather, "I have no idea."

"Well then" said  Tommy, "how is it you feel qualified to discuss who should run this country when you don't know shit?"

Nail it!

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer.  One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall.  You show him where it is, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives.  Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one.  This one right here!"

Terribly impressed, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Elias Alias on September 26, 2004, 01:58:22 am
Quote
Quote


Somewhat Amusing personality test (http://www.cmi-lmi.com/enterppp.html) - I'm a "Discoverer" myself.
Dreamer-Minstral   :rolleyes:

LL
LL, I can see that you answered the questions properly, and the board gave you an accurate profile. You are a lovely dreamer and a Minstrel both in one. But Jeez, I went over there and took that silly test, and it got me all wrong. Here is what it said after I had answered its intrusive poking nosey irrelevant questions:

"Your distinct personality, The Benevolent Ruler might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. You are the idealistic social dreamer. Your overriding goal is to solve the people problems of your world. You are a social reformer who wants everyone to be happy in a world that you can visualize. You are exceptionally perceptive about the woes and needs of humankind. You often have the understanding and skill to readily conceive and implement the solutions to your perceptions. On the positive side, you are creatively persuasive, charismatic and ideologically concerned. On the negative side, you may be unrealistically sentimental, scattered and impulsive, as well as deviously manipulative. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms."

Can you believe that? Sheesh and Cold Chili! It didn't say a danged thing about my long-windedness and verbosity, my metaphysical delusions, my erotic fantasies which indict my view of reality, or how outright handsome I am. I wonder who sits around making up such silly tests, eh? Worse, I wonder about those who take the damn things....

:)

Elias

PS: Basil Fishbone, that "Nail It" joke was awful! One more crack like that and I'm likely to do two things.... 1) put your ass on KP duty for a danged week; and, 2) tell one of my infamous jokes right here for all to read, and blame the impulse to do so on you. :)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: SFriesth on September 26, 2004, 02:19:00 am
Well. Back to my roots again. The Court Jester. Went out and bought the DVD. Glynis Johns. Where is my time machine?
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Elias Alias on September 26, 2004, 02:51:43 am
Quote
Well. Back to my roots again. The Court Jester. Went out and bought the DVD. Glynis Johns. Where is my time machine?
Hmmm, wanna trade your Court Jester for my Benevelent Ruler?

:)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: mantispid on September 26, 2004, 09:23:37 am
Well, the folks who scored Benevolent Ruler are the benevolent rulers of the Claire Files message board, no? ;)
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Claire on September 26, 2004, 09:33:04 am
Quote
Well, the folks who scored Benevolent Ruler are the benevolent rulers of the Claire Files message board, no? ;)
Well, I can't speak for Elias or anybody else, but I refuse to take the job.


Although (this is weird) last night I dreamed I won an election to be U.S. senator. Which was ever weirder because I wan't running. And kind of sad because the senator I replaced was Vin Suprynowicz.  :blink:  Don't worry, though. I immediately signed a pledge never to violate the Bill of Rights. And then I woke up my own self. So no harm -- and no ruling -- done.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: debra on September 26, 2004, 09:33:13 am
"Engineer-builder". Pretty funny considering I have trouble nailing two boards together...
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Alton Speers on September 26, 2004, 10:14:52 am
Prime Minstral. I'm schizophrenic. Sort of like Spock on drugs.

Alton
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on September 26, 2004, 11:42:07 am
Quote
For a bunch of non-conformists, we seem to always test out about the same way too often. Gonna hafta work on that... <grin>
Then again,  I won't take any of those silly tests...    <shrug>
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Claire on September 26, 2004, 11:45:39 am
Quote
"Engineer-builder". Pretty funny considering I have trouble nailing two boards together...
Yeah, but I'll bet you can swap out a motherboard or a defective sound card in nothing flat.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on September 26, 2004, 12:02:28 pm
Quote
Quote
"Engineer-builder". Pretty funny considering I have trouble nailing two boards together...
Yeah, but I'll bet you can swap out a motherboard or a defective sound card in nothing flat.
Lotsa "engineering" and "building" doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the usual work-with-your-hands stuff many people think of...

(Been cramming my head full of tech manuals lately to the point where my brain hurts.  :-)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Elias Alias on September 26, 2004, 01:11:33 pm
Quote
Quote
Well, the folks who scored Benevolent Ruler are the benevolent rulers of the Claire Files message board, no? ;)
Well, I can't speak for Elias or anybody else, but I refuse to take the job.


Although (this is weird) last night I dreamed I won an election to be U.S. senator. Which was ever weirder because I wan't running. And kind of sad because the senator I replaced was Vin Suprynowicz.  :blink:  Don't worry, though. I immediately signed a pledge never to violate the Bill of Rights. And then I woke up my own self. So no harm -- and no ruling -- done.
Well, Claire, you may speak for me any time you wish. You do much better "speaking" than can I. :)

Example given: "I refuse to take the job".

See? I could have just said something that direct and conclusive, but my little brain molecule (the last one I've got left) couldn't get over itself long enough to be concise. But I'm with you on that --- who would want to be a "ruler"? Sheesh, wherever one sees a ruler, someone is being ruled; not an optimum situation.

But I got a laugh out of the imagery of  "Senator Vin" and "Senator Claire", lol. Ain't we all glad it was but a dream.... Still, for the Crook County project or the New Hampshire endeavor, I can't think of two more trustworthy souls.

But really; who has nothing better to do than sit around making up such tests, eh? lol!

Elias
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 26, 2004, 02:43:34 pm
B)  I betcha you get a lot of write-in votes in every election....
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: rick on September 26, 2004, 06:16:02 pm
If this is a consolation to anyone - Black Knight. What else could I expect...
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 26, 2004, 06:17:59 pm
Quote


(Been cramming my head full of tech manuals lately to the point where my brain hurts.  :-)
They hurt less if you read them rather than stuffing them in your ears...  :blink:
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: debra on September 26, 2004, 06:50:42 pm
Quote
Quote


(Been cramming my head full of tech manuals lately to the point where my brain hurts.  :-)
They hurt less if you read them rather than stuffing them in your ears...  :blink:
Speak for yourself.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 26, 2004, 06:56:15 pm
Quote
Quote
Quote


(Been cramming my head full of tech manuals lately to the point where my brain hurts.  :-)
They hurt less if you read them rather than stuffing them in your ears...  :blink:
Speak for yourself.
Well, actually, I must admit that I usually just stack tech manuals into a huge, teetering pile, and dive in and figure it out on my own. That doesn't hurt at all until the pile collapses on you and crushes you....  <_<  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on September 26, 2004, 10:35:57 pm
Artificial Intelligence: a blonde dyed dark.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bear on September 26, 2004, 11:30:43 pm
My wife and I were discussing some of the stranger California laws.

I mentioned that necrophilia is now illegal in California. Her first reaction was the same as mine: is this really a
problem?

But of course, this being California, there are complications.

Vampires are dead people, right? So wouldn't this law preclude vampires from ever having  sex again? Is that
Consitutional to treat one group differently from others based on their (lack of) metabolism? If a living person has
concensual sex with a vampire, why is only the living guilty of a crime? The Libertarian position on this is pretty
obvious.

Taking this a step further, it would even be a crime for two vampires to get together. If the Liberals figure this out,
there could be an underground movement: Dead Pride! I can see it now! Candle light vigils held in San Fransico,
vampires necking for the photo ops... maybe even a spot on Oprah... who knows?

Of course, if the Vamps (gotta think of a better tag) have their way, then SF City Hall might have to be open late
in order to serve the metabolically challenged getting their marriage licenses. There's that nasty issue of what
happens when they show in daylight. Making them dress up like Michael Jackson to go about their business is just
too insensitive.
:D

Bear




 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Hunter on September 27, 2004, 12:16:42 am
Government of the Living Dead.... sounds like Chicago to me....
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Alton Speers on September 27, 2004, 08:43:47 pm
Hunter,

Quote
Government of the Living Dead.... sounds like Chicago to me....

Ummmm...isn't that government of the voting dead? :D

Alton
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bobaloo on September 27, 2004, 09:22:04 pm
Quote
My wife and I were discussing some of the stranger California laws.

I mentioned that necrophilia is now illegal in California. Her first reaction was the same as mine: is this really a
problem?

But of course, this being California, there are complications.

Vampires are dead people, right? So wouldn't this law preclude vampires from ever having  sex again? Is that
Consitutional to treat one group differently from others based on their (lack of) metabolism? If a living person has
concensual sex with a vampire, why is only the living guilty of a crime? The Libertarian position on this is pretty
obvious.

Taking this a step further, it would even be a crime for two vampires to get together. If the Liberals figure this out,
there could be an underground movement: Dead Pride! I can see it now! Candle light vigils held in San Fransico,
vampires necking for the photo ops... maybe even a spot on Oprah... who knows?

Of course, if the Vamps (gotta think of a better tag) have their way, then SF City Hall might have to be open late
in order to serve the metabolically challenged getting their marriage licenses. There's that nasty issue of what
happens when they show in daylight. Making them dress up like Michael Jackson to go about their business is just
too insensitive.
:D

Bear
<Rodney Dangerfield voice>

My wife just found out that necrophilia is illegal now, so she went to the police station and turned herself in!  

Pow!  Zing!

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Basil Fishbone on September 27, 2004, 10:05:39 pm
In response to a post on LRT, I dug this information out.

The following lyrics are from a song which gets airwave time fairly frequently on KGLT, the MSU (Moo U) (Bozeman, Montana) radio station.   Amazingly, the author of this is from Norway, and doesn't get the point of private gun ownership, according to his website.

Basil

http://www.anysonglyrics.com/lyrics/d/dana...owswithguns.htm (http://www.anysonglyrics.com/lyrics/d/danalyons/cowswithguns.htm)

Fat and docile, big and dumb
They look so stupid, they aren't much fun
Cows aren't fun


They eat to grow, grow to die
Die to be et at the hamburger fry
Cows well done

Nobody thunk it, nobody knew
No one imagined the great cow guru
Cows are one

He hid in the forest, read books with great zeal
He loved Che Guevera, a revolutionary veal
Cow Tse Tongue

He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred
He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd
Cow doldrums

He mooed we must fight, escape or we'll die
Cows gathered around, cause the steaks were so high
Bad cow pun

But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate
Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate
Cows are bummed

He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy
No one suspected he was packing an Uzi
Cows with guns

They came with a needle to stick in his thigh
He kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eye
Cow well hung

Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door
Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor
Run cows run!

He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay
We are free roving bovines, we run free today

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns

They crashed the gate in a great stampede
Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed
Cows have fun

Sixty police cars were piled in a heap
Covered in cow pies, covered up deep
Much cow dung

Black smoke rising, darkening the day
Twelve burning McDonalds, have it your way

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns

The President said "enough is enough

These uppity cattle, its time to get tough"
Cow dung flung

The newspapers gloated, folks sighed with relief
Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef
Cows on buns

The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed
They mooed their last moos,
they chewed their last hay
Cows out gunned

The order was given to turn cows to whoppers
Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers
But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers

Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns


Thanks to Sekhmet for these lyrics
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Claire on September 27, 2004, 11:07:22 pm
Quote
We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns
 
I have this CD. (Actually, I think there are two CDs with this song; the best of them is "Cows with Guns: The Cow Pie Nation Compilation") Not only is this tune an endless hoot that still makes me laugh after 100 listenings. But the songwriter, Dana Lyons, appreciates a good satire AND a good monkeywrench. Several of the songs are about little people striking back against the powerful. Though most of us might not agree with the particular strikes in question, these songs feel good.

Yeah, Dana Lyons is an eco-liberal. But He's a wild spirit and has a hell of a sense of humor. Thanks for posting those lyrics, Basil Fishbone.

For more about it: http://www.cowswithguns.com/ (http://www.cowswithguns.com/)

And go here: http://www.danalyons.com/lyrics/ (http://www.danalyons.com/lyrics/) and check out the lyrics to "The TV God," "RV," "I'd Go Anywhere to Fight for Oil," "Swimmin' in the Big," and "Turn of the Wrench."

BTW, "Turn of the Wrench" is based on a real incident from the early 80s. I knew some of the people who did the deed.  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on September 27, 2004, 11:55:56 pm
Well, as long as we're talking about CDs and such, and with the season coming up ...

Bob Rivers (http://www.twistedchristmas.com/)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Basil Fishbone on September 28, 2004, 01:43:17 am
With bandannas on their faces
Careful not to make sound
They loosened all the bolts
That held the towers to the ground
And several weeks later, with nobody around
The Minnesota wind blew tower after tower after tower down

With a turn of the wrench, and a twist of the screw
What was once put together, we can easily undo

Heh.  The Bolt Weevels, as I recall?

Basil
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Basil Fishbone on September 28, 2004, 01:51:27 am
Speaking of little Christmas ditties; I don't know who wrote it, but I kinda like it.  Basil

Twas the night before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the land
the Patriots were hiding
their guns in the sand.

The burp guns were hung
in the chimney with care
in fear that the T-men
soon would be there.

Hand grenades nestle
all snug ‘neath the beds
with satchel and platters
all safe from the Feds.

The Comp-C and det cord
and tools for the sapper
were hidden in baggies
‘neath the old crapper.

(Near belts for the Browning
with each round in place
and six-packs of napalm
and chemical mace.)

The M-2 carbine
and grease guns with ammo
were stashed with the crossbow
and a slingshot by Wham-O

The blueprints for Thompsons
and improvised weapons
were waiting for use
if the Day ever happens.

A year’s worth of bourbon
and ceegars and snuice
were next to the handcuffs
and the hangman’s noose.

The silencer coupling
(they greased it and oiled it)
was stashed ‘neath the water
in the tank of the toilet.

The match heads and primers
for things that go boom
were hid in the basket
in Mom’s sewing room.

Boobytrap switches
and fuse for the rockets
were ready for action
when pulled from light sockets.

The depth charges and land mines
were hid in the attic
by the 30-shot rifle
that goes automatic.

Bazookas and mortars
and trip flares and such
were hid in the kitchen
in the glass-front hutch.

The tear gas and pepper
to cause federal quandary
were stashed ‘neath the Tide
on the shelf in the laundry.

The bear traps and barbed wire
and dead falls and briars
were safe in the alley
‘neath stacks of old tires.

The ground glass and poison
and acid and darts
were safe in the garage
all marked "bike parts"

When Federal Claus came
with his warrant and sleigh
to sack all the goodies
before came The Day,

He found only doilies
and sweetness and light
and the troops smiling
and ready to fight.   B)
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on September 28, 2004, 02:11:38 am
RAH, RAH! Well done, Basil. A nice Christmas gift to us all. But formally, may we use it on our cards and decorations?
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on September 28, 2004, 08:03:00 am
:blink: What's "snuice?"
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on September 28, 2004, 08:17:12 am
Quote
What's "snuice?"

Itsh da shtuff that you drink ta git ya snockered.
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on September 28, 2004, 08:21:22 am
New Dog Breeds

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier +Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu = Oh, never mind...
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on September 28, 2004, 08:52:30 am
Okay, here's an oldy but a goody - I think this dates back to Fidonet/BBS days, and was an attempt to compile the penultimate flame post.  It's rather long: Sorry.

.................

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As they say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts that sired you and then killed themselves in horrified recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. You have the personality of a tapeworm.  Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your tiny brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't willingly have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You are a loser and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.  Oh, bugger off, please!

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have the strength to further deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of your attempt at a post, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

Please try to have a nice day.

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Basil Fishbone on September 28, 2004, 12:52:01 pm
Quote
RAH, RAH! Well done, Basil. A nice Christmas gift to us all. But formally, may we use it on our cards and decorations?

Thanks, Junker.  Well sure, fine with me, but I have no claim to intellectual property with it anyway.  

 
Quote
What's "snuice?"
\

Snuice is colloquial for the kind of ground tobacco, like Copenhagen, that you put in your cheek.

Basil
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mos2 on September 28, 2004, 04:50:01 pm
Quote
Well, as long as we're talking about CDs and such, and with the season coming up ...

Bob Rivers (http://www.twistedchristmas.com/)
A co-worker gave me a CD of Rivers' stuff a couple years ago. I particularly liked the "What's it to ya?" chorus and "O little town of Bethlehem" to the tune of "House of the Rising Sun"    Funny stuff...
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on September 28, 2004, 05:45:16 pm
Quote
Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu = Oh, never mind...
Lemme guess,  something to do with government work?
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on October 12, 2004, 05:22:40 pm
All is now right with the world.
The evening drive time talk show host of 610 WTVN in Columbus, Ohio, read that someone in Singapore set a record of stuffing 3.2 McDonald's hamburgers in his mouth without swallowing. So, he decided to break the record on the air. John Corby, with play by play by the 610 sporstcaster, successfully stuffed 3.25 McDonald's hamburgers in his mouth during the broadcast. They are making a big deal out of it - playing the Olympics theme music. Acting like he is on the gold medel podium; playing the national anthem.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on October 13, 2004, 11:41:37 am
Riddle me this--

Q: What do you call a dozen sky-diving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q. Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
A. New Jersey got to choose.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The diphthong.

Q: What is a lawyer's ideal weight?
A: About five pounds, including the urn.

Q: How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 75?
A: Your honor.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
A: People will try to avoid hitting a pothole.

Q: What's the difference between an accident and a calamity?
A: It's an accident when a bus full of lawyers plunges off the road into a river. It's a calamity if they can swim.

Q. What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?
A. One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other is a fish.

Q. Why don't sharks ever attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

One day a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the back, amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It was beautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it. "How much?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper. "Five dollar," the shopkeeper replied. "Hundred dollar with story." Five dollars seemed like a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live without knowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it. As he wandered on through the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed with surprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, the sewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him. Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened. Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled the brass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands of rats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began to drown. Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The old Chinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You come back for story?" he asked. The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to know if you had a brass lawyer."

Q. Why are scientists now using lawyers in laboratory experiments instead of rats?
A. Three reasons: 1) lawyers are more plentiful than rats; 2) there is no danger the scientists will become attached to the lawyers; and 3) there are some things rats just won't do.

After Mark Twain finished addressing a New England society banquet, the attorney William M. Evarts stood up, hands in his pockets, and remarked, "Does it not seem unusual to this gathering that a professional humorist should really appear funny?" To which Mark Twain replied, "Does it not also appear strange to this assembly that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?"

Whatever their other contributions to our society, lawyers could be an important source of protein.

The judge declared at the beginning of trial: "Counsel for the defense has paid me $15,000 to find for his client. Counsel for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to find for hers. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

Snollygoster. n. A devious, inept, talkative, or unethical lawyer; a shyster. [U.S. slang and colloquial, since c. 1860]

"All lawyers are assholes!" declared a man in a bar.
"I resent that!" someone replied.
"Why, are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an asshole!"

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark cellar at midnight looking for a black cat that isn't there. He is distinguished from a theologian, in that the theologian finds the cat. He is also distinguished from a lawyer, who smuggles in a cat in his overcoat pocket, and emerges to produce it in triumph.

The telephone rang late one night at the governor's mansion. After a long argument the aide who took the call reluctantly agreed to wake the governor.
"What's so damned important it couldn't wait until morning?" demanded the governor.
"Judge Ferret just died," explained the aide, "and this lawyer wants to take his place."
The governor smiled grimly. "Well, you just tell him that if it's okay with the undertaker, it's okay with me."

---
Appeal, n. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

Lawful, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.

Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1906
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: David on October 13, 2004, 12:23:44 pm
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough
too have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High

Fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes

The long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
 water.

But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can
anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man
in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake." :P

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on October 13, 2004, 12:31:12 pm
I was going to guess twinkies [how much longer before debra forbids the use of that word!??]
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mos2 on October 13, 2004, 02:31:40 pm
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road, and a dead lawyer?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on October 13, 2004, 02:52:00 pm
Ah, lawyer jokes.  My secret sin.

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
.....

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
...
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
...
What's the difference between God and an attorney?
God doesn't think he's an attorney.
...
How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
Other lawyers look interested.
...
If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
Who cares?
...
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
...
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

There's lots more, but enough already.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on October 13, 2004, 03:35:11 pm
A man finds an old lamp in the street. He rubs it to read the inscription. In a puff of orange smoke, out pops a genie.

Genie: Master, I will grant three wishes, but there's a catch.

Man: Three wishes? Yowza! But what's the catch?

Genie: You will get whatever you wish for, but every lawyer in the world will get twice as much.

Man: I can live with that. For my first wish, I'd like a red Ferrari

Poof, a red Ferrari appears.

Genie: Master, there are now two red Ferraris in the garage of every lawyer in the world.

Man: I wish for a million dollars.

Poof, a large bag of money appears.

Genie: Two million dollars has been deposited in the Swiss bank account of every lawyer in the world.

Pause...

Genie: Master, you have one more wish.

Man: You know... I've always wanted to donate a kidney.



 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Ted Nielsen on October 13, 2004, 05:18:47 pm
My turn:

Apples and Grapes  

Women are like apples on trees.  The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt.    Instead, they just take the rotten apples from
the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already
been picked!


Now Men....

Men begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them
until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. :D  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Lightning on October 13, 2004, 05:36:20 pm
Quote
Men begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


LMAO LMAO LMAO  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

I've never been a stomper type girl myself...but I may have to rethink that from now on!   :rolleyes:  B)  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on October 13, 2004, 05:43:44 pm
Well, that explains why I keep getting stomped by girls!  And where exactly is that tree with all the "rotten apples" under it?  

Kent

PS: Is it the ones on the top of the tree or under it who do the most stomping?
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on October 13, 2004, 06:08:18 pm
Quote
PS: Is it the ones on the top of the tree or under it who do the most stomping?
*SIGH*

Pretty much both.

Why do women always seem to see men as "fixer-uppers?"
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on October 13, 2004, 08:24:02 pm
Q: Why did the tiger walk through the jungle eating elephant dung?
A: He had just eaten a lawyer, and wanted to get the taste out of his mouth.

A horse walked into a bar. The bartender looked at him and asked, "Why the long face?"

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 26. One to hold the bulb and 25 to drink until the room spins.
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on October 14, 2004, 11:44:03 am
Least effective pickup line yet:
[Gazing wistfully downward while addressing woman] Well, it's not going to suck itself.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on October 17, 2004, 01:43:39 am
What's black and brown and looks grreat on a lawyer?
 :rolleyes:
 :rolleyes:
 :rolleyes:
 :rolleyes:
A doberman
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on October 17, 2004, 07:07:12 pm
http://hugeurl.com/ (http://hugeurl.com/) :blink:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: libertylover on October 17, 2004, 08:55:25 pm

God and St.Francis

 GOD:  Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the
 world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the
 dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had
 a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any
type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The
 nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies,
 honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast
 garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green
 rectangles.

 St.Francis:  It's the tribes  that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
 They started  calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to
 Kill them and  replace them  with grass.

 GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
 butterflies, birds and  bees, only grubs and sod  worms. It's sensitive to
 temperatures. Do these  Suburbanites  really want all  that grass growing there?

 ST.  FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and
 keep it green.  They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant  that crops up  in the lawn.

 GOD: The  spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
 really  fast. That  must make the Suburbanites happy.

 ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not,  Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut
 it -- sometimes twice a week.

 GOD: They  cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

 ST.  FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in  bags.

 GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

 ST.  FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

 GOD: Now  let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
 And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

 ST.  FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

 GOD: These  Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we
 cut back on  the  rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the  growth
and saves them a  lot of work.

 ST.  FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass
stops  growing so  fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water
it so they can  continue to mow  it and pay to get rid of  it.

 GOD: What nonsense. At least  they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer  stroke of  genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to  provide beauty and shade in the summer. In  the autumn they fall
to the ground and form a natural blanket  to keep  moisture in the soil
and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as  they rot, the  leaves form compost
to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of  life.

 ST.  FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn
a new  circle.  As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay
to  have them hauled off.
 
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter  and to keep  the soil moist and loose?

 ST.  FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy  something
which  they call mulch. They haul it home  and spread it around in place of
the  leaves.

 GOD: And  where do they get this mulch?

 ST.  FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the
mulch.

 GOD: Enough. I  don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
 you're in charge  of the arts. What movie have you scheduled  for us tonight?

 ST.  CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about
....
 GOD: Never mind,  I think I just heard the whole story from St.
Francis
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on October 18, 2004, 01:36:04 am
Thanks libertylover!  I loved that tale!   :D    :lol:

Kent
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: rick on October 18, 2004, 05:30:24 am
Today is my daughter's 18th birthday.......

I'm so glad that this is my last child's support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments!

So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face."

So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.

As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?"

"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy... and watch the expression on your face".
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: libertylover on October 18, 2004, 11:59:36 am
Rick...that was good...really, really good.....
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on November 17, 2004, 07:55:54 am
Am I the only one who finds this incredibly funny?
http://www.technetguru.net/host/29/ (http://www.technetguru.net/host/29/)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on November 17, 2004, 08:14:13 am
Quote
Am I the only one who finds this incredibly funny?
http://www.technetguru.net/host/29/ (http://www.technetguru.net/host/29/)
724.2! :D  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on November 17, 2004, 08:23:01 am
905.4
Ya gotta hit 'em juuust right.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on November 17, 2004, 09:03:37 am
901.5
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on November 17, 2004, 09:14:01 am
1001.2
The landmines seem to be a matter of luck.

I'm really supposed to be working now.  Thanks a lot, birds.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on November 17, 2004, 10:18:23 am
1045.6!  Who sez they can't fly!
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on November 17, 2004, 11:25:16 am
Ok, you guys officially SUCK!!!

Yeah, I'm jealous.
 <_<


Edit:  1053.9!!!!  Ha HA!  Say goodbye to work productivity!!!!!
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mostly Harmless on November 17, 2004, 12:34:26 pm
The animal right thread reminded me of this: Meat in Space (http://instruct.westvalley.edu/lafave/meat_in_space.html)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on November 17, 2004, 01:43:43 pm
1118.3. B)   Let it never be said that anyone hates them more than I do.

edit:
1234.7 -- I almost felt sorry for the little feller.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mos2 on November 17, 2004, 02:04:31 pm
1192.4 Not bad for a 333mHz peecee. :-)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on November 20, 2004, 05:23:43 pm
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y255/penguinsscareme/penguinsrevenge.jpg)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on November 20, 2004, 07:13:45 pm
Aha! (Edit responding to PSM's *following* post) Now I understand. And it kinda makes my S&W Natral Style Sliced Leeches a none follower. No problem-- edited right out.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on November 20, 2004, 08:48:27 pm
Sorry, Junker, I'm not quite sure how that ended up being a picture of a leech.  Hopefully I've fixed it now.  If you don't see an image of a penguin walking away from a prostrated Yeti and hefting a bat, then it's the wrong image.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on November 21, 2004, 02:51:15 pm
:lol: Birds, where did you find that picture?
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on November 21, 2004, 03:56:26 pm
I liked the canned leeches!   :(

Kent
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on November 21, 2004, 06:04:01 pm
Hah! I knew there was a winner in the group somewhere.
(http://rlmcom.com/xr/leeches2.jpg)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on November 21, 2004, 07:35:52 pm
I typed "penguin's revenge" into the yahoo search engine and clicked Image search, and it came back with a few different places online where this picture is posted, so I linked to one of them and used the image feature to post it here.  But it seems to be unreliable -- sometimes it posts, other times it fails to appear, and, well, somehow it transformed into a picture of a leech.
It's all voodoo to me.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on November 21, 2004, 08:35:42 pm
Yes, a sucking leech can be viewed as voodooish.
But, ahhh... sliced leech... likely to leave a lovely licentious libido lurking lazily b'low levels of lasting, lurid lust. Or...well, canned leeches-- try 'em.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on November 21, 2004, 08:37:20 pm
Actually I don't think I will.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on November 24, 2004, 04:19:33 pm
1248.6 :P  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Laughing Bird on November 24, 2004, 05:19:00 pm
Personality test - Dreamer-Minstrel
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on November 26, 2004, 01:46:33 am
This isn't really silly stuff, but I didn't really want to start an entire thread just for this post.I just wanted to mention a streaming radio station I listen to now and then when I am at work and don't really want to listen to talk radio or whatever. Radio Woodstock. (http://www.wdst.com/listenonline.asp) They have an ecletic mix that I generally enjoy. Sometimes they get into a string of crap that grates on my nerves and I will then switch to something else. Just thought I would mention it.

Happy Thanksgiving.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on November 29, 2004, 03:27:57 pm
Bwahahahah!

It had to happen!

Penguin Wars! (http://www.technetguru.net/host/75/)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on November 29, 2004, 04:20:30 pm
Ah, vindication!
Elusive little suckers, eh?
Reminds me of Red Dawn, only with... :unsure: penguins...
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on November 29, 2004, 04:46:31 pm
Quote
Bwahahahah!

It had to happen!

Penguin Wars! (http://www.technetguru.net/host/75/)
Oh, that's just wrong. :lol:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on December 03, 2004, 09:24:03 am
I know the the underlying subject matter isn't funny, but the play on words is what got me to gigglin'.

(http://home.nycap.rr.com/tomtomtom/winning-1.jpg)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on December 03, 2004, 01:48:06 pm
In combat, it is always necessary to maintain a sense of humor.

Bushler ist der Sieg!
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on December 03, 2004, 02:13:13 pm
Three men: a nattily-clad upper class Englishman, a snooty Frenchman, and a rather shabby American, were thrown together by circumstance in a snowed-in airport.  To pass the time, they began discussing the nature of true happiness.

"Well, my friends," said the Englishman, "I can tell you where true happiness is to be found.  True happiness is a foxhunt.  Ah, yes, the sound of the horn, the baying of the hounds, the feel of a fine thoroughbred beneath you as it leaps the hedgerows!  Then in the evening, you return to your roaring fire with the fox's tail to sip a glass of the finest scotch as you reflect upon the deeds of the day.  Yes," he said, with a small nostalgic smile, "This is true happiness."

"Bah," said the Frenchman.  "Mere animal pleasure.  I will explain to you what is true happiness.  True happiness is to be found in a brilliant little cafe beside the river Seine, in the company of a beautiful woman.  Several courses of the finest food, an excellent wine, stimulating conversation.  Then, after a quiet walk beside the river you return to your flat - or hers - and make magnificent love to her all night long.  That is true happiness!"

"No, pal," said the American.  "That's just having a good time.  I'll show you true happiness.  True happiness is when you get home to your studio apartment after finishing the shift at your second job.  After sharing some Dinty Moore with the family you sit in your favorite chair - the one with the shaky leg - put your little daughter on your knee, and open the Claire Files.

"Suddenly there's a pounding on the door!  Two grim men in black suits and sunglasses burst in, glare at you accusingly, and say, 'Thomas Moore?'  And you say, 'Nope.  He lives two flights up.'

"That is true happiness!"
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Alton Speers on December 06, 2004, 09:43:04 am
Computer reproduction:
 
 "Daddy, how was I born?
 
 DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need  to find out anyway!
 Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a  chat room on MSN.
 Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we  met at a cyber-cafe.
 We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
 from my hard drive.
 
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us  had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit  the delete button,  nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and  said:
 
You've Got Male!

Alton
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on December 06, 2004, 07:11:29 pm
It was two years after the Glorious Revolution.  Bill and Sam stood in line for their daily crust of bread, a free gift from a grateful junta.  The line was several hundred yards long, and had not moved noticeably for hours.

Finally Bill stamped his foot and said, "I can take no more!  The new boss isn't the same as the old boss, he's worse!  He lives in luxury in the presidential palace while we starve in the street.  I've had enough; I'm going home to dig up the rifle I hid after the revolution.  Then I'm going to the palace and shoot that SOB!"

Sam shrugged and watched him go.

Several hours passed.  The line had advanced perhaps 20 feet when Bill returned and wordlessly resumed his place behind Sam.  They stood in silence for several minutes.

Finally Sam said, "Well?"

Bill kicked morosely at a stone.  "You call this a line?"
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on December 07, 2004, 05:01:30 pm
Quote
Finally Sam said, "Well?"

Bill kicked morosely at a stone.  "You call this a line?"
:lol:  :lol:
wait, I don't get it   :unsure:
 :lol:  :lol:
Was the punch line that the line to shoot that SOB! was a realllllllyy long line?  :lol:   :lol:
or
he just chickened out and that was a rationalization?  :(

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on December 07, 2004, 05:02:48 pm
Quote
Was the punch line that the line to shoot that SOB! was a realllllllyy long line? 

Yeah, that.

 <_< Jeez, if you've gotta explain it...
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on December 13, 2004, 10:52:42 pm
Someone mentioned the Flat Earth Society in another thread, and it reminded me of a great Rudyard Kipling tale for fans of monkeywrenching. "The Village That Voted the Earth Was Flat" is a delightful 30-page story Kipling wrote in 1913 about a group of people on a motorcar journey who fall victim to a new invention for municipal revenue enhancement: the small-town speed trap.  They pay their extortionate fines like good citizens, and then proceed with an elaborate revenge scheme to make the village the laughing-stock of England.

Go borrow that dusty Kipling collection from Grandpa's bookshelf and read it -- or, you can download the whole story here as an 86KB HTML file:

The Village that Voted the Earth Was Flat (http://whitewolf.newcastle.edu.au/words/authors/K/KiplingRudyard/prose/DiversityOfCreatures/villagevoted.html)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: kbarrett on December 13, 2004, 10:55:34 pm
Hmmmm.

New pillows (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4092345.stm)

(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40625000/jpg/_40625565_lappillow_afp203.jpg)

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Alchemist on December 19, 2004, 07:23:45 pm
q
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on December 23, 2004, 12:14:05 am
With a sad heart, we must pass on the following news.

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Mrs. Fields. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John and Jane Dough, plus one they had in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

(And from a subsequent post...)

But here is the good news; After 30 minutes at 350 degrees, he rises again!
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on December 24, 2004, 10:29:44 am
Please be gentle

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. "

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!"

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on December 24, 2004, 06:50:22 pm
Here's a Christmas Carol from Arlo Guthrie - the Pause of Mr. Clause. A little personal anecdote. I saw him in concert in, if I disremember incorrectly, '73. In the silence between songs I holler "the pause of mister clause," and Arlo looks right at me, says, "thanks," and starts right up with it.

The Pause of Mr. Claus
words and music by Arlo Guthrie

This next song we're going to dedicate to a great American
organization. Tonight I'd like to dedicate this to our boys
in the FBI.

Well, wait a minute. It's hard to be an FBI man. I mean, first
of all, being an FBI man, you have to be over 40 years old.
And the reason is that it takes at least 25 years with the
organization to be that much of a bastard. It's true. You just
can't join, you know. It needs an atmosphere where your
natural bastardness can grow and develop and take a
meaningful shape in today's complex society.

But that's not why I want to dedicate the song to the FBI. I
mean, the job that they have to do is a drag. I mean, they have
to follow people around, you know. That's part of their job.
Follow me around.

I'm out on the highway and I'm drivin' down the road and I
run out of gasoline. I pull over to the side of the road. They
gotta pull over too - make believe that they ran out, you
know.

I go to get some gasoline. They have to figure out whether
they should stick with the car or follow me. Suppose I don't
come back and they're stayin' with the car.

Or if I fly on the airplanes, I could fly half fare because I'm 12
to 22. And they gotta pay the full fare. But the thing is that
when you pay the full fare, you have to get on the airplane
first, so that they know how many seats are left over for the
half fare kids. Right? And sometimes there aren't any seats
left over, and sometimes there are, but that doesn't mean that
you have to go.

Suppose that he gets on and fills up the last seat, so you can't
get on. Then he gets off then you can get on. What's he gonna
do?

Well, it's a drag for him. But that's not why I want to dedicate
the song to the FBI.

During these hard days and hard weeks, everybody always
has it bad once in a while. You know, you have a bad time of
it, and you always have a friend who says "Hey man, you
ain't got it that bad. Look at that guy." And you at that
guy, and he's got it worse than you. And it makes you feel
better that there's somebody that's got it worse than you.

But think of the last guy. For one minute, think of the last
guy. Nobody's got it worse than that guy. Nobody in the
whole world. That guy...he's so alone in the world that he
doesn't even have a street to lay in for a truck to run him over.
He's out there with nothin'. Nothin's happenin' for that cat.

And all that he has to do to create a little excitement in his
own life is to bum a dime from somewhere, call up the FBI.
Say "FBl?", they say "Yes", say "I think Uncle Ho and Chair-
man Mao and their friends are comin' over for dinner" (click)
Hang up the phone.

And within two minutes, and not two minutes from when he
hangs up the phone, but two minutes from when he first put
the dime in, they got 30,000 feet of tape rollin'; files on tape;
pictures, movies, dramas, actions on tape. But then they send
out a half a million people all over the entire world, the globe,
they find out all they can about this guy.

'Cause there's a number of questions involved in the guy. I
mean, if he was the last guy in the world, how'd he get a dime
to call the FBI? There are plenty of people that aren't the last
guys that can't get dimes. He comes along and he gets a dime.

I mean, if he had to bum a dime to call the FBI, how was he
gonna serve dinner for all of those people? How could the
last guy make dinner for all those people. And if he could
make dinner, and was gonna make dinner, then why did he
call the FBI?

They find out all of those questions within two minutes. And
that's a great thing about America. I mean, this is the only
country in the world...l mean, well, it's not the only country
in the world that could find stuff out in two minutes, but it's
the only country in the world that would take two minutes
for that guy.

Other countries would say "Hey, he's the last guy...screw
him", you know? But in America, there is no discrimination,
and there is no hypocrisy,'cause they'll get anybody. And that's
a  wonderful thing about America.

And that's why tonight I'd like to dedicate it to every FBI
man in the audience. I know you can't say nothin', you know,
you can't get up and say "Hi!" cause then everybody knows
that you're an FBI man and that's a drag for you and your
friends.

They're not really your friends, are they? I mean, so you can't
get up and say nothin' 'cause other wise, you gotta get sent
back to the factory and that's a drag for you and it's an
expense for the government, and that's a drag for you.

We're gonna sing you this Christmas carol. It's for all you
bastards out there in the audience tonight. It's called "The
Pause of Mr. Claus".

Why do you sit there so strange?
Is it because you are beautiful?
You must think you are deranged
Why do police guys beat on peace guys?

You must think Santa Clause weird
He has long hair and a beard
Giving his presents for free
Why do police guys mess with peace guys?

Let's get Santa Clause 'cause;
Santa Clause has a red suit
He's a communist
And a beard, and long hair
Must be a pacifist
What's in the pipe that he's smoking?

Mister Clause sneaks in your home at night.
He must be a dope fiend, to put you up tight
Why do police guys beat on peace guys?

©1968,1969 Appleseed Music Inc. (ASCAP)
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on January 12, 2005, 02:11:30 am
Contrarian Humor: http://dailyreckoning.com/ (http://dailyreckoning.com/)

Discovery Of The Heaviest Element Yet Known To Science

The Whitehouse research department has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium."

Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization.

In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

You will know it when you see it...
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Alton Speers on January 14, 2005, 02:28:26 pm
I subscribe to the local farm paper, The Farmer's Exchange. It's a weekly paper with lot's of interesting news for farmers, gardeners and, of course, those all-important auction ads.

Anyway, the new issue just arrived and I got a chuckle out of one of the headlines which reads as follows:

For Sheep, Lack of Identity Is a Good Thing

Nice double entendre. :D

Alton
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Alton Speers on January 28, 2005, 06:40:51 pm
Political but, funny nonetheless. :D

(http://www.mentalmercy.com/images/articles/2005011613511018_1.jpg)

Alton
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on February 25, 2005, 12:39:48 pm
It's been a while, time to resurrect this puppy from page #15.


Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart  when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts.  What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Docliberty on February 25, 2005, 01:27:58 pm
Two leprechauns knock on the door of the convent.  When a sister answered it, one leprechaun said "Sure and we'd be seein' the mother superior now".  When they were in front of the mother superior, the leprechaun asked "Would you be havin' any leprechaun nuns in your order?"  The mother superior replied that they did not have any leprechaun nuns.  He went on to ask "Would you be knowin' of any leprechaun nuns in all of the church?"  The mother superior replied that she was not aware of a single leprechaun nun in all of the church.  The first leprechaun smack the other one and said "See you bloody daft bugger, I told you ya' fu--ed a penguin." :lol:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on February 25, 2005, 01:42:34 pm
Well, now that I've started settling in to my new home up here in Cow Hampshire, I've had a chance to get to know some of the local denizens and take in some of the regional color.  Some of the characters are more colorful than others, such as this old fellow up the road a country mile or three:

There's this old farmer up in the mountains who had a farm.  He also had three young and comely daughters.  Well one Saturday night they all three of them were expecting their beaus to come a-courtin', and the farmer sat whittling by the fire while his girls busied themselves primping.
Sure enough, around 7: 30 there comes a knock at the door.  The farmer gets up and goes answers the door to find a handsome young man standing there with a fistful of posies.
"Hi," says he, "I'm Eddie.  I'm here for Betty.  We're going to eat spaghetti.  Is she ready?"
So Betty goes off with Eddie, and around 8 there comes another knock at the door.  So the farmer goes answers the door and there's a young fellow standing out there and he says
"Hi, I'm Joe.  I'm here for Flo.  We're going to the show.  Is she ready to go?"
And sure enough, Flo heads out with Joe, and at about 8:30 there's another knock at the door.  So the farmer goes answers the door and there's a dashing young lad standing on the porch and he says
"Hi, I'm Chuck..."
And the farmer shot him dead where he stood.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on February 25, 2005, 01:44:52 pm
Quote
"See you bloody daft bugger, I told you ya' fu--ed a penguin." 
Aw, dude, that's just wrong on so many levels...
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on February 25, 2005, 02:02:54 pm
Vids of folks trying to shoot some high-powered shotgun.  Each is 2-3 MB.

Shotgun 1 (http://www.geekswithguns.com/modules.php?name=Downloads&d_op=getit&lid=13)
Shotgun 2 (http://www.geekswithguns.com/modules.php?name=Downloads&d_op=getit&lid=14)
Shotgun 3 (http://www.geekswithguns.com/modules.php?name=Downloads&d_op=getit&lid=18)

I don't know the story behind these vids but it is definitely not a plain 12 ga. they are shooting - even if they're new to guns.  Or maybe not?

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on February 27, 2005, 07:21:26 pm
:lol: That's hilarious!


If I'm not mistaken, though, that's a rifle.  Elephant class.  Maybe a big NE round.  Then again, I don't really know.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on February 27, 2005, 07:30:26 pm
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.  He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.  He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.  

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.  He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.  He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat, thoroughly enjoying the refreshingly cold confection.  Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.  

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.  

The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."  

"Oh, no," the penguin chuckled, slightly embarrassed, "It's just ice cream."
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on February 27, 2005, 09:11:45 pm
Awright, awright... :rolleyes:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on February 28, 2005, 03:13:18 am
LMAO, Tin-Man. Maybe we need a whole series of penguin stories. There was this blond penguin, you see,...
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Docliberty on February 28, 2005, 07:43:56 am
What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white?




A penguin rolling down the hill. :lol:
(Contribution from the younger set)

Oh, and Junker, finish your joke.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on February 28, 2005, 07:46:35 am
What's black and white and slaps your fins with a ruler?


Penguin Mary Margaret
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on February 28, 2005, 07:56:25 am
Yes, quite droll, quite droll.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Docliberty on February 28, 2005, 08:13:18 am
Looks like it may be shaping up to be a pick on PSM day.  Be gentle y'all.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on February 28, 2005, 07:06:06 pm
It's okay, Doc, it's not like I have feelings or anything.  (Where's the "mooning" emoticon...?)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on February 28, 2005, 07:09:28 pm
I thought that was a nun.  Oh, wait........
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on February 28, 2005, 07:26:29 pm
Quote
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of
penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with
penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy
agrees to do so and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the
truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses! He pulls
the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to
the zoo yesterday!"

The guy replies, "I did - they loved it, thanks. Today I'm taking them
to the beach!"
B)  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on February 28, 2005, 07:38:20 pm
Or....

Why penguins can't fly.......... (http://www.fortunecity.com/rivendell/angels/592/penguins/joke07.html)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on February 28, 2005, 08:17:22 pm
That's right, TinBoy, keep it up.  They just keep gettin' funnier and funnier!!!!    HAHAHAHAHAAAAHH. <_<[takes ball, goes home]
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Docliberty on February 28, 2005, 08:32:18 pm
Looks like tomorrow will be PMS's get even day.  Oh well, it's not like he can't find lots of chiropractor jokes. :rolleyes:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on February 28, 2005, 08:32:42 pm
OK, sorry.  I'll stop.



No wait, one more --

(Apologies to Doc.)


The Seven Dwarfs are on a vacation in Europe and receive an audience with the Pope.
As the oldest, Dopey serves as spokesman for his mates.
Standing before the Pope, Dopey asks, "Your excellency, are there any dwarf
nuns in Vatican City?"
The Pope thinks for a moment and says, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns
in Vatican City."
This makes the other six dwarfs snicker.

Dopey then asks, "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
"No," the Pope responds. "There are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
Hearing this, the other six dwarfs fall to the floor, laughing and howling.

Dopey looks at the Pope and says, "Sir, are there any dwarf nuns in the
world?"
"No, my son," the Pope says. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the
world."
With this, the other six dwarfs began chanting, "Dopey screwed a
penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on February 28, 2005, 08:58:40 pm
Quote
Looks like tomorrow will be PMS's get even day.
PMS?   :angry:   I kid, you hurt. :(  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: David on February 28, 2005, 09:06:08 pm
Did ya-all hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Docliberty on February 28, 2005, 09:09:59 pm
Quote
QUOTE
Looks like tomorrow will be PMS's get even day.
PMS? I kid, you hurt.

Sorry PSM.  I was in a hurry and my freudian slip was showing. :)  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Docliberty on February 28, 2005, 09:11:40 pm
Quote
Did ya-all hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?

Funny, but what does it have to do with penguins?
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on March 01, 2005, 06:26:28 am
Nothing.  But this does. (http://www.bailyes.com/Funny_Image_Gallery.htm)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on March 01, 2005, 08:18:20 am
(http://rlmcom.com/xr/rc2.jpg)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on March 01, 2005, 03:28:08 pm
It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way...... It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out,... it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... W ... K ... R... P !!!!

No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but .....

Oh my God, Johnny, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this?

Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, the humanity!

The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this!


This oughta take ya back a bit......
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on March 01, 2005, 06:21:45 pm
Alright, who tipped off the Brits (http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=actofwar)?  Loose lips sink ships, or in this case, a B-2. :lol:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on March 01, 2005, 07:15:06 pm
Quote
(http://rlmcom.com/xr/rc2.jpg)
...and no one else finds that disconcerting?
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on March 02, 2005, 12:09:45 am
Quote
Alright, who tipped off the Brits (http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=actofwar)?  Loose lips sink ships, or in this case, a B-2. :lol:
Now, this is silly stuff. I tried to check out that link from work and got this bravo sierra
Quote
Access to this web page is restricted at this time.
Reason:
 The Websense category "Tasteless" is filtered.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
URL:
 http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=actofwar (http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=actofwar)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on March 04, 2005, 04:31:15 pm
It's a very slow Friday afternoon at the prairie dog farm, and this (http://www.technetguru.net/host/323/) is the funniest thing I've ever seen.  Similar to the penguin game, but with obnoxious anime characters.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on March 04, 2005, 04:56:14 pm
(http://rlmcom.com/xr/p28.jpg)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on March 04, 2005, 06:51:23 pm
Just curious -- anybody beat 1014.97 meters in John's pedestrian-flinging game?
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on March 04, 2005, 07:19:19 pm
Yeah, he went 1400+ meters for me once.  I was beginning to wonder if he'd ever stop.  Kept running into girls who gave him another kick; kinda like my love life.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Alchemist on March 04, 2005, 09:10:43 pm
q
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on March 04, 2005, 11:31:15 pm
1279.44 -- I'm getting better at this.  I'm not sure if I should be proud of that or what.     <_<  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on March 05, 2005, 04:12:34 am
(http://rlmcom.com/xr/p33.jpg)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on March 05, 2005, 07:56:28 pm
never mind  :rolleyes:  pic went away...
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Astra on March 05, 2005, 08:38:52 pm
Haha - I swear, Nanaca Crash is everywhere. The internet seems small sometimes. Or, perhaps, it's not that it's small, but that it's well-connected despite its size?

There's some information about the game here (http://megami.starcreator.com/nanaca-crash/info.php). It's good to read, especially if you want to know what all that japanese text in the instructions is talking about, and you can't read japanese.

Oh, if you want to know... my personal best is 6649.43. I haven't played very much yet.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Alchemist on March 05, 2005, 09:00:25 pm
q
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on March 05, 2005, 09:08:46 pm
Quote
Quote
Oh, if you want to know... my personal best is 6649.43. I haven't played very much yet.

 <_<     Hmmph.  Show-off.  

 :D
I closed the tab after 3000+.  It seemed that if you just keep clicking on stuff (blank space below the falling dude, on the people the dude runs into to) it will go and go.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Astra on March 05, 2005, 09:37:02 pm
It is pretty luck-based - you can go on forever if you hit the right girls, but you can also stop suddenly if you hit the wrong ones. You do have a bit of control, with the three up boosts and the recharging down boost. But as far as I can tell, luck matters most, once you get the hang of it.

I tried playing a bit more... after a few bad attempts, I got 12130.73.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Alchemist on March 05, 2005, 10:33:21 pm
q
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on March 06, 2005, 07:33:23 am
(http://rlmcom.com/xr/opus.gif)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on March 06, 2005, 10:58:32 am
Okay, I got up to 4163.78 meters and decided I was waisting too much time on this stupid game.  So that's my final high score.  John, you owe me about 3 hours of my life back.  Pay up.  

By the way, did anyone ever figure out what kind of rifles those were in m16's movie links?  I'm very curious.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on March 06, 2005, 03:26:26 pm
Quote
By the way, did anyone ever figure out what kind of rifles those were in m16's movie links?  I'm very curious.
I did some searching with the terms "arab elephant gun" and apparently it's something called a .577 T-Rex (fitting name!).

Here's a page with video links that apparently fit the description but none of the links work:
http://www.accuratereloading.com/videos.html (http://www.accuratereloading.com/videos.html)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on March 06, 2005, 05:23:51 pm
Cool.  Apparently you have to be a forum member to view their videos.  Maybe I'll join later.  If I do, I'll post my password and stuff here for anyone who wants to see them.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on March 06, 2005, 10:11:37 pm
Quote
Cool.  Apparently you have to be a forum member to view their videos.  Maybe I'll join later.  If I do, I'll post my password and stuff here for anyone who wants to see them.
Well, it's free registration so I would recommend everyone who wants to see the vids get their own identity.  I just registered.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on March 08, 2005, 11:14:10 pm
This has to fake - either in a demonstration to scare kids or just computer graphics fake fake.  A rasta-looking DEA cop is explaining to schoolkids about the evils of guns and drugs and shoots himself in the left leg with a Glock - then he continues on with the demo while limping.  Meanwhile, the kids and teachers start to get nervous.  I would have thought that I had heard about this from gun forums or some such:

http://rapidshare.de/files/807727/mos-nd-demo.wmv.html (http://rapidshare.de/files/807727/mos-nd-demo.wmv.html)

Note:  Go down to the bottom of the page and click "Free" and then wait to download.  Unfortunately, the d/l is nearly 22 MB so you folks with dial-up will just have to hear about it.  It looks like an urban school - can't see how this wasn't on the news.

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on March 08, 2005, 11:20:32 pm
OK, it was in Orlando in 2004.  I didn't search hard enough.

http://www.thegunzone.com/mos/dea-nd.html (http://www.thegunzone.com/mos/dea-nd.html)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on March 08, 2005, 11:48:48 pm
:blink:

Delos mentioned having a TASER section for the new and improved TCF.  Howsabout an "only cops should have guns" board?  Lots of fodder for that one, too.

Serves his punk ass right, but I hate to think of the psychological damage he did to those kids.  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on March 08, 2005, 11:54:59 pm
Yeah, I couldn't think of another place to put it.  It is silly, though.  The kids and adults don't react to it at first - they were probably thinking it was part of the demonstration.  ... OK, I just uploaded a smaller (2 MB file) of a 'negligent discharge' in Nevada by a cop - hey, lady, keep your finger off the trigger until you are ready to fire!  (Note:  A screencap of the vid is on the gunzone link at the bottom of the page linked above.)

http://rapidshare.de/files/810334/mos-nd.mpg.html (http://rapidshare.de/files/810334/mos-nd.mpg.html)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on March 09, 2005, 01:57:12 am
Quote
:blink:

Delos mentioned having a TASER section for the new and improved TCF.  Howsabout an "only cops should have guns" board?  Lots of fodder for that one, too.

Serves his punk ass right, but I hate to think of the psychological damage he did to those kids.
I'm impressed with the way he handled it, though.  He should quit the DEA and work for risk management agencies.  He definitely kept cool.  (It may have been a glancing shot - although you can't hear anything hit the floor - I mean, if it was a Glock .40 cal. and he did shoot himself in the thigh ... could he still be walking and talking with just a limp?  On the other hand, he probably has the adrenaline and endorphin-thing going on because he's not exactly lucid after the AD (accidental discharge)).

(Yes, I know it should be "negligent discharge" but that's what the agent says, "AD".)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on March 09, 2005, 10:55:50 am
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale couldn't swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on March 09, 2005, 05:37:55 pm
:lol:  :lol:  :lol:

Good one, John.

I used up most of my religious material over on the 666 board, but here's an oldie.

Two nuns in a bathtub.  One nun says to the other nun, "Where's the soap?" and the other nun says, "Yes, it does, doesn't it?"  

[cue drum and cymbals]
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on March 09, 2005, 05:40:23 pm
:blink: I don't get it.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Americus Fernando Henshawe on March 09, 2005, 06:29:07 pm
Me neither,

 :lol:
Americus
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: yorick on March 09, 2005, 11:16:31 pm
where's the soap?

wears the soap?


as in, the nun is 'playing' (nun = sexually repressed - bath-soap-nudge nudge-say no more) with the soap and it  'wears'  out (nudge nudge know what I mean?)

dont feel bad, it took me a while too....

Explaining humor is like disecting a frog - nobody enjoys it and the frog tends to die in the process.


Here' one for you:

(http://www.friendshuh.com/images/comic.gif) :P
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on March 09, 2005, 11:23:31 pm
La-la-laaa :)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on March 13, 2005, 06:19:05 pm
I think  this (http://www.dumpalink.com/media/1817) qualifies as silly.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on March 13, 2005, 11:22:49 pm
Quote
I think  this (http://www.dumpalink.com/media/1817) qualifies as silly.
Well, I won't know until I am not at this particular job, as I got a Websense block that "adult content is filtered." One more check mark in the company files for me "attempting to access" adult content. I do so appreciate when people post a link and warn "don't go to this site from work" but I certainly can't complain if some decide not to include such a warning.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on March 14, 2005, 11:52:11 am
In another post somewhere I had said I was reading some short stories by Groucho Marx. The editor of the book I was reading, as well as Groucho himself, said that 2 major humorist influences of his were S. J. Pereleman and Ring Lardner. I figure if Groucho thought they were funny, I might get a chuckle out of them. As it turns out, Ring Lardner's humor is such that I find myself laughing out loud frequently while reading his stuff. I have typed out a sample. I wonder if others find him as funny as I find him. I don't think this will violate any copyrights, as it is only one short story and it might prove to interest others in his works.

Here goes:

Salt Water Fishing

            A few wks. ago the writer was prevailed on to give readers my hints and views in regards to the sport of fishing and what tackle to use for the different members of the Finny tribe and where to find them and etc. and since writeing same my mail has been swamped from nimrods all over the country thanking me for the article and how it helped them and etc.

            They have also been a swarm of letters from men and women of both sexes complaining that my advice and instruction was all confined to fishing in streams, lakes and etc. and nothing in regards to deep sea fishing which of course is the grandest of all sports for folks who can afford same which these irated correspondents felt like they are as they pointed out that it wouldn't be no more than fair for me to do so much for them as I done for the small scale nimrods.

            So it looks like I better devote a few spicy paragraphs to the sport of salt water fishing lest the followers of same accuse me of favorism.

            Well friends, salt water fishing depends on the season of the year in regards to different kinds of fish. Like for inst. salt mackerel run in the Fall and not in the Winter and Spring. Pickled eel can be caught in tropic waters in Winter and goes to Newport for the Summer. Tripe runs only dureing Winter months and walks the rest of the time. Cross-eyed hoke bites freely in the Spring and then lives the balance of the yr. on their own fat.

            So it will be seen that with all the different fish haveing different habits, why only a few gen. suggestions can be given in this limited space.

            Probably the greatest fishing that can be enjoyed by residents of this continent is gullet fishing dureing Winter months off the coast of Iowa.

            Liver-lipped gullets weighs from 1/2 to 2 tons and is one of the gamest of mollusks. They will bite freely at a electric iron or swinging doors but once they have struck, the game is only started and sometimes it is a full 6 months between the first nibble and the time when Mr. Gullet lays on the bottom of your dingy.

            I have even knew anglers who have claimed to of fought a yr. with a gullet and had their boat dragged by same from the Boone County fishing grounds to the Michigan fruit belt.

            These fishermen was probably working on the old theory that the way to land a fish this size was to give him full play and leave him wear himself out but some fishers maintains that they's no use wasteing 1/2 a yr. or any part of same on a liver-lipped gullet and the right way to handle them is drag them to the surface and give them a bust on the jaw.

            In still water fishing for liver-lipped gullets use a Biloxi fly on a No. 26 barbed wire line.

            The lap-eared smike runs in schools off the coast of eastern Pittsburgh and is caught with live bait like a horse or a canteloupe. Use a No. 12 hook and a E string. The smike is one of the gamest of deep sea fish and also one of the hardest to conquer as they don't confine their battle to the water as they is libel to swim ashore and give you a merry chase across country.

            The wise smike fisherman equips himself with a fast touring car as well as a boat so as to be able to keep up with the whims of the smike once she gets ashore.

            Two yrs. ago a lop-eared friend of mine named Bob Poodle was smike fishing off Binghamton and got a bite with a quarter of beef. After eating all the well done meat the smike waded for shore and started for Omaha.

   Mr. Poodle who is a well to do epileptic engaged a taxi and offered the driver a soldier's bonus of $100 if he would not lose sight of the smike. The last named finally wearied of the chase and was caught in a tree near Waukesha, Wisconsin, but without the means of hireing a taxi Mr. Poodle would of been obliged to go sans smike.

   The snub-nosed jonah runs in prep schools off the Long Island coast from September to May. They will nibble at waffles and veal loaf but are caught mostly with live bait such as stoats or mangy kittens.

   I recall an interesting personal experience with a snub-nosed jonah. I was fishing with the President off the coast of Lafayette, Indiana, and for 3 wks. neither of us had a nibble and was getting tired of each other when suddenly I seen my bobber move and felt the unmistakeable nibble of a snub-nosed jonah.

   By 4 o'clock the next morning there could be no question but what it was a fish and suspicion was turned into certainty when the mollusk's features appeared on the surface of the water bound for Omaha.

   The chase of the next 10 days would take the pen of a Jack Dempsey to describe it. The jonah had reservations on the St. Paul but a friendly porter put me up in the wash rm. of the next car.

   Final battle in the yards of Omaha defys description. Sufficient to say that the little woman invited our friends the next week end to a snub-nosed jonah roast.

   For Winter salt water fishing there's nothing so savory and full of fight as the pigeon-toed wham. These little fellows is found off the coast of Little Rock and will bite at live bait only.

   A friend of mine named Orville Chow found out this fact by a queer accident. He was boating one day with his wife on the smooth waters of the Yazoo when she suddenly fainted from something she had eat.

   Orville promptly throwed her overboard forgetting that he had tied a rope around her neck earlier in the day. In a instant he felt a strike and hauling in the rope, landed a 1200 pound pigeon-toed wham which was clinging to the madam's wrist watch.

   Naturally my friend stayed in the vicinity for several days and landed all told a doz. when useing the Mrs. as bait.
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Scarmiglione' on March 14, 2005, 01:38:37 pm
Pretty funny stuff there, although I'm young enough to have to struggle a bit with the writing of the day.  Interesting how language changes so quickly.  I could see the nuances in the language, but don't have the cultural references to fully appreciate them!  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on March 17, 2005, 05:42:11 pm
Well, if Ring Lardner can write tall tales, so can I.

Badger Gulch (http://www24.pair.com/glyptica/Bill/BadgerGulch.htm), by Mr. Bill.

For Entertainment Purposes Only.  No actual badgers were harmed in the making of this story.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on March 17, 2005, 06:12:26 pm
Quite fun, Mr. Bill. Thank you. Oh, and I only used it for entertainment purposes.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on March 18, 2005, 03:33:52 pm
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on March 19, 2005, 08:17:35 pm
From England:

Quote
One night last week I was going to bed when my husband pointed
out that I'd stupidly left the light on in the garden shed.
As I looked out of the window I noticed that there were several people in the shed, stealing our belongings. I immediately phoned the Police who told me that there was nobody in that vicinity and that they'd send somebody over as soon as they were available.

I said Fine then hung up. A minute later I rang back and said "Hi, I just called a minute ago regarding a burglary taking place in my shed. Well, I thought I'd let you know that there is no need to worry because I've just shot them all."

Three minutes later a dozen police vehicles and armed response personel were on my premises and naturally they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said - "Hey, I thought you said you'd shot them all?"

I responded - "I thought you said nobody was available!"
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: debeez on March 24, 2005, 04:26:47 pm
Here is a great blog that details the woes of a flatmate...

I hate my flatmate (http://www.ihatemyflatmate.blogspot.com)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on March 24, 2005, 05:34:41 pm
Ned was a grungy, sorry old fella, never had a lot of money or charisma, and not too many friends, either.  Needless to say, he didn't get a lot of action with the ladies.  But one day Ned shuffled into his regular local tavern wearing a grin that showed all his grimy teeth, and his usually dull eyes gleamed from under the greasy mat of hair sticking out from under the brim of his frayed ballcap.
"Hey, Ned, you're certainly in high spirits tonight," said the bartender.
"I got laid last night!" Ned blurted in response.
"That's great Ned, how'd that happen?" the bartender asked.
"Well, you know I live down there by the railroad tracks, well, last night I was going home and I saw a lady tied to the tracks.  So, I untied her and took her home to my place.  And man, I scored BIGtime!  We went all night!  I mean, we did everything!  Stuff I never even thought of before!"
"Wow," replied the bartender.  "Good for you, Ned.  So is she pretty?"
"You know, I can't say; I never did find the head."
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on March 27, 2005, 01:37:09 pm
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job
to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off
to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of
Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an
amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private
part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I
can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously
huge private part like this. It has to be saved for
posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the
dead man's member. He stuffed his prize into a
briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed
it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that
you won't believe," he said, and opened up his
briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is
dead!"
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on March 27, 2005, 01:39:32 pm
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile
hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused
him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend
and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the
poison work."
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: David on March 27, 2005, 01:51:40 pm
Five women are in a sex Ed class together, there is one republican, one catholic, one communist, one feminist, and one southern Baptist.

The instructor states "75% of all females whose spouses use a condom are unsatisfied, and must resort to rubbing their clitoris to achieve orgasm"
Instantly all five women raise their hands, the instructor calls on the
The Southern Baptist who asks "What is  a clitoris?"
The Feminist chimes in and says "what a stupid question, but what is a spouse?"
The Catholic says "no wait, what is a condom?"
The republican woman says "you are all so stupid, the question is, what is an Orgasm?"

Oh go Whine to some one else :P
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: velojym on March 27, 2005, 03:18:12 pm
Geez, the Kingdomality folks think I'm a "benevolent ruler"!
Dey don't know me vewwy well, do dey?

http://www.okcupid.com/politics (http://www.okcupid.com/politics)
says I'm a Libertarian. I can live wit' dat.
 B)  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on March 27, 2005, 06:22:04 pm
An old man was searching for his spectacles one day.  He looked high and low, but he couldn't find them.  After a great deal of searching, he pushed the bed aside to see if they had slipped down there somewhere.  Sure enough, there they were.  As he bent his aged back down to retrieve his glasses, a curious sight caught his eye.  There, under his wife's side of the bed, was a small woven basket.  Inside the basket was something even more curious: two eggs and over a thousand dollars in small bills.
Puzzled, the old man found his wife knitting in the parlor and asked her about what he had found.
"Well," said the old woman, "Ever since we got married, every time I cheated on you I would put an egg in the basket."
The old man scratched his head thoughtfully, then said, "Well, I guess two times in fifty-eight years of marriage isn't that bad...but what about the money?"
"Oh," replied the wife, "every time I got a dozen eggs I sold them for cash."
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on March 27, 2005, 10:04:01 pm
Quote
Geez, the Kingdomality folks think I'm a "benevolent ruler"!
Dey don't know me vewwy well, do dey?

http://www.okcupid.com/politics (http://www.okcupid.com/politics)
says I'm a Libertarian. I can live wit' dat.
 B)
Yeah,  me too.  I scored over 80% in both directions (and am wondering why it wasn't higher because my philosophy tends to run along the lines of "ain't nobody's damn business if you do").  No surprise there...

Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: velojym on March 27, 2005, 10:10:01 pm
Yah, me too, but I don't think they like the idea of anyone scoring that high.
 :D  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Astra on March 27, 2005, 11:32:47 pm
Says I'm an anarchist, 95% and 91%. It also says I "exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness." ^_^
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on March 28, 2005, 06:55:13 pm
I got basically the same results as Astra, and when I clicked "Famous People" my score was right on the Unabomber's head.      :ph34r:      That don't seem right.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on March 28, 2005, 10:03:50 pm
I got 83% social liberal, and 91% economic conservative.  Says I'm a libertarian.  I'm right in between the Unabomber and Thomas Jefferson.  :huh:  Wasn't the unabomber a Luddite?  Double :huh:
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on March 28, 2005, 11:40:15 pm
I got this email at work tonight and just had to laugh at the date:
Quote
Blood Donor Program
Friday, April 15

NOTE:  LOCATION CHANGE FOR THE NEXT BLOODMOBILE
Hey, I think most people are already having blood taken from them on that day.  :angry:
 
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on March 28, 2005, 11:41:21 pm
Hey, Penguinsscareyou

(http://www.websmileys.com/sm/violent/sterb168.gif)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tribeless on March 29, 2005, 03:41:33 am
A small town close to where I live (Temuka) has an alcohol prohibition on its main street (local councils in NZ are nine parts fascist).

The central government, because they are Communists who of course know what is good for us all far better than we do, have subsequently legislated an abosolute smoking ban on all public places, including in public bars.

Result: smokers in the public bars in Temuka now have to take their drinks out onto the main street so they can have a cigarette where, of course, the police arrest them for breaking the alcohol prohibition :)

Unfortunately we are governed and run by moralistic morons who have not one idea of the notion of personal freedom, and the police, who should be there to protect those freedoms, have instead delivered their services unto the enemy: the State..
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on March 29, 2005, 07:02:00 pm
Quote
Hey, Penguinsscareyou

(http://www.websmileys.com/sm/violent/sterb168.gif)
Terroristic threat!  Terroristic threat!
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: David on March 29, 2005, 07:12:20 pm
Quote
Quote
Hey, Penguinsscareyou

(http://www.websmileys.com/sm/violent/sterb168.gif)
Terroristic threat!  Terroristic threat!
Run PSM, RUN

it's a damn bullet proof penguin!!
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on March 29, 2005, 07:21:14 pm
[fingers in ears] LALALALALA I'm not listening I'm not listening I'm not listening!
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: byron on March 29, 2005, 10:57:56 pm
A farmer in Iowa was pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started lecturing the farmer about his speeding, and in general throwing his weight around trying to make the farmer feel uncomfortable. Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at something around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some trouble with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always  found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says , "Oh, " and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: henshawe on March 30, 2005, 12:52:26 am
A man and his family deside to go for a long drive down to the country, but on there way they get pulled over by a copper issueing them a speeding ticket. When the ticket is passed over to the dad he replys" bastard ", with that his sons asks " daddy what does bastard mean " so his dad replys " its another name for a copper son ". So with that they set off home. When arriving home the sons dad goes first through the door while on his way tripping over the door mat, with that he shouts out " shit " then staright after, his sons asks in wonder " daddy what does shit mean " so his dad replys it another name for a doormat son ". When they finally get through the door the kids dad goes up to the bathroom for a shave while his mum goes to pluck the chicken in the kitchen. The kid follows his mum and watches while shes plucks away. Then suddenly his mum crys out fuckin hell from cutting her self. With that the kid asks "mummy what does fuckin mean " She replys, son its another name for pluckin a chicken. So the kid walks out of the kicten and goes to see his dad up staires. While his dad is shaving he cuts him self and screams out bollocks. So the kid asks " daddy what does bollocks mean " so the dad answers saying " its another name for shaving. As the kid walks out of the bathroom he hers the door knock so he goes down to answer it, he opens the door and its the copper. So the kid says " hello bastard wipe your feet on the shit my mums fuckin the chicken and my dads shaving his bollocks
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on March 30, 2005, 01:36:25 am
Quote
[fingers in ears] LALALALALA I'm not listening I'm not listening I'm not listening!
Hey, it was supposed to be a good thing. Dead penguin. Can't be too scared of a dead penguin.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: David on March 30, 2005, 02:19:35 am
Quote
Quote
[fingers in ears] LALALALALA I'm not listening I'm not listening I'm not listening!
Hey, it was supposed to be a good thing. Dead penguin. Can't be too scared of a dead penguin.
Quote

But what about a dead parrot?
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: David on March 30, 2005, 02:42:02 am
Quote
Quote
Quote
[fingers in ears] LALALALALA I'm not listening I'm not listening I'm not listening!
Hey, it was supposed to be a good thing. Dead penguin. Can't be too scared of a dead penguin.
Quote

But what about a dead parrot?
Quote

Never mind,  the man at the store says teh parrot is only sleeping
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on March 30, 2005, 03:53:39 am
Quote
Quote

...
But what about a dead parrot?

Never mind,  the man at the store says teh parrot is only sleeping
Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on March 30, 2005, 05:27:13 pm
Quote
Hey, it was supposed to be a good thing. Dead penguin. Can't be too scared of a dead penguin.
No, Raggie, but I certainly can be scared of a
Quote
bullet proof penguin!!
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on March 30, 2005, 06:06:36 pm
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her  shiny new bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $10 ticket for a safety
violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector on the back of it."
The young girl looked at the horse and said, "Nice horse you got there,
sir.  Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on March 31, 2005, 12:32:38 am
I took my daughters to the dentist today. We always trade jokes. Dentist said:

A man had 2 black eyes. His co-worker asked him what happened.
Man: I was in church on Sunday and when the woman in the pew in front of me stood up to sing, her dress was stuck in her butt crack. It looked uncomfortable, so I helped her out by reaching over the pew and plucking it out. She turned around and punched me in my right eye.

C-W: Well, I can sure understand that. What about the other eye.

Man: Well, when I realized she didn't like me doing that, I pushed it back in.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on March 31, 2005, 12:41:58 pm
A nice start to the 2005 Darwin Awards

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, USA appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices: His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop specializing in handguns. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a 22 target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a .50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire. Here we are at the beginning of March and we already may have the 2005 winner of the Darwin Award. This guy is going to be hard to beat.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: byron on April 01, 2005, 07:52:46 pm
Clyde the farmer had a car accident. In court the trucking company's high dollar lawyer was questioning Clyde...

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into ..."

"I didn't ask for details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I am fine?"'

Clyde said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving..."

The lawyer interrupted again, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."

The judge said, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, in the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this 18 wheeler ran the stop sign and smacked my truck in the side. I was thrown in one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. The Highway Patrolman came up and heard Bessie moaning and groaning. He went over to her, looked at her, took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then he come across the road with his gun in his hand and said 'How are you feeling?'"

"Now what the hell would you say?"
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: rick on April 03, 2005, 04:28:20 pm
A Chicago businessman and an old indian chief were making a tour through nocturnal downtown. After an exciting night and a few dozen beer they were going to say good-bye in the morning. The businessman asked the chief: "Now, Chief, how do you like our cities?" - "Not too bad at all," the chief replied, "And how do you like our country?"
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on April 03, 2005, 05:04:37 pm
Quote
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on April 03, 2005, 05:45:55 pm
Quote
To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a 22 target pistol. [...]
A fine old chestnut (http://www.snopes.com/crime/dumdum/gunshop.asp) indeed.

Figured I'd blog this one, and went looking for references. It's a true, but somewhat embellished story.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on April 03, 2005, 06:02:48 pm
Anybody seen the ebonics McDonalds (http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/mcdonalds_ebonics.html) commercial yet?

Confidential to Ragnar -- not sure about this one. :rolleyes:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: F42 on April 03, 2005, 06:28:23 pm
AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT PASSES CONGRESS

    May 23, 2005

    WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans with No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President Bush shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

    "Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Bush, a longtime AWNA supporter. "This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over.

    With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing", said Bush.

    President Bush pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

    Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%)

    President Bush has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of non-able people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs.

    Under the Americans with No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

    Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

    Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-able, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"

    "As a non-able person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

    With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Bush, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great society which I lead."

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: F42 on April 03, 2005, 06:37:30 pm
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...... but, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.
 
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
 
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her......... you're a Chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you...... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If she asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...... you're a pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.
 
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
 
If you're proud of your achievements........ you're full of yourself.
If not....................you're not ambitious.
 
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
 
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't..........there must be someone else.


Men die first because they want to.
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: F42 on April 03, 2005, 07:03:09 pm
VOLUME UP

Warning 2.5 meg "wmv" file.

Get Out of My Car (http://freedom42.gmorinllc.com/stuff/GetOutofMyCar.wmv)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on April 03, 2005, 10:58:35 pm
Quote
Confidential to Ragnar -- not sure about this one. :rolleyes:
:lol:
Quote
Access to this web page is restricted at this time.
Reason:
 The Websense category "Tasteless" is filtered.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
URL:
 http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/mcdonald...ds_ebonics.html (http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/mcdonalds_ebonics.html)
I'll have to check it out later. I probably should have waited, but I couldn't resist seeing what the fsckin' Websense would have to say about it. I guess, really, in the future I shouldn't do that. All that keepin' the job and gettin' a raise stuff  B)  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: David on April 04, 2005, 04:35:58 am
http://www.markfiore.com/animation/knuckles.html (http://www.markfiore.com/animation/knuckles.html)


http://www.workingforchange.com/printitem....fm?itemid=18621 (http://www.workingforchange.com/printitem.cfm?itemid=18621)
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on April 04, 2005, 07:27:26 am
Quote
Quote
Confidential to Ragnar -- not sure about this one. :rolleyes:
:lol:
Quote
Access to this web page is restricted at this time.
Reason:
 The Websense category "Tasteless" is filtered.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
URL:
 http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/mcdonald...ds_ebonics.html (http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/mcdonalds_ebonics.html)
I'll have to check it out later. I probably should have waited, but I couldn't resist seeing what the fsckin' Websense would have to say about it. I guess, really, in the future I shouldn't do that. All that keepin' the job and gettin' a raise stuff  B)
So, the other job doesn't use websense, they use webwasher:
Quote
Forbidden
You were denied access because:
Access denied by WebWasher DynaBLocator content category. The requested URL belongs to the following category: Erotica and Sex.
Wow - tasteless, erotica and sex. Wonder what I am missing  :lol:

I am anticipating the day when these bullshit web categorization and blocking packages block "the mental militia" for being extremist and/or having "militia" in the name. Then it will be time for an anonymizer.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on April 04, 2005, 08:19:40 pm
The Top 100 Things I plan to do if I ever become an Evil Overlord (http://omega.med.yale.edu/~pcy5/misc/overlord1.htm)

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on April 05, 2005, 09:45:23 pm
Quote
Wow - tasteless, erotica and sex. Wonder what I am missing


When you finally get to see it, do me a favor.....explain to me what in the HELL is erotic or sexy about it.

Tasteless I can see.

Not that that's always a bad thing.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on April 06, 2005, 09:17:19 pm
from the net:

God Goes To Capitol Hill

In today's political climate, the formulation of law does not follow a heavenly model.  To illustrate how low we've sunk, here's how the Ten Commandments might have been developed if the process were governed by current political rules.

Chief heavenly pollster informs God of alarming findings:  His flock is hungry for moral guidance.

God floats a trial balloon, leaking word to key town criers that he is formulating a comprehensive policy statement on proscribed human behavior to be called "The Ten Commandments."

Opponents are sharply critical of the plan, asking, "Do you want the same guy who runs the weather to tell you how to live your life?"

Slipping in the polls, the Deity taps David Gergen, formerly associated with the Party of Darkness, as "Counsel to the Creator."  Gergen sees "absolutely no problem" with his previous service under Satan.
"All The Almighty's Men," a scathing insider view of celestial politics is released, triggering a nosedive in the Lord's approval rating.

National Big Heavy Stones Association demands rescission of "Thou Shalt Not Commit Murder" prohibition, claiming it infringes on the protected Right to Bear Arms and noting that "Rocks Don't Smote People, People Smote People."

God appoints Moses, influential human being person, as his Morality Spin Doctor.  They brainstorm strategy: "What if we chiseled the thing on a tablet or something, and you come down from a mountain holding it up above your head looking like Charlton Heston.  Would that not be an awesome Photo Op, or what?"

Pharaoh Cuomo tries to horn into the spotlight, declaring, "The Ten Commandments do not go far enough."  He agonizes publicly over a possible run at divinity himself, deciding in the end that "the Pharaohship is where I belong now."

Moses presents the Ten Commandments (now renamed by Gergen "The Guaranteed Pathway to The Rapture Security Act") as planned in a dramatic ceremony at the Pearly Gates, featuring a hot "Rock n Roll Heaven" Band.

Tsenturion Tsongas ridicules the plan, quipping, "I'm not Santa Claus - I can't promise you eternal life if you follow ten rules."  Tsongas suggests a

$1.00 per grain Sand Tax to pay for the sins of the people.  He is stoned.

The People oppose the plan upon learning of its strict rules, including a uniform penalty for non-compliance: roasting in the white-hot flames of hell for eternity.  The Lord backpedals, saying, "I have never said that all of the Commandments are written in stone.  All I want is righteousness as a whole.  If we can approve "No Cussing" this year, we'll phase in the others over a ten-year period.

"Adulterers of the Euphrates" puts considerable pressure on the King of Kings through their powerful lobbying group.  God agrees to an amendment stating, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, Unless Thou Art Bigtime Sorry."

One week before the vote, God gets tough, saying to Abraham:  "Unless you vote for the package as proposed, I will take your first-born son."  Abraham responds, "Okay, but you've got to come down to Mesopotamia and stand next to me on the podium at the Shepherd's of Distinction luncheon."

A formal vote is held up in Congress when greedy representatives saddle the bill with the most useless make-work pork barrel project in history -- The Pyramids.

Centurion Helms filibusters over failure to add Eleventh Commandment forbidding man to lie down with man.

God goes directly to the people in a "Fireside Chat" -- his head appears in their fireplaces, surrounded by flames.  Ratings are tremendous.

Gergen advises the Lord, "You are coming across as too High and Mighty."

The Lord snaps back at Gergen "I am high and mighty."  You need to loosen up your image.  Perhaps you can take up a musical instrument.  See if Gabriel can teach you how to use that horn.

Ponchus Perot appears on the "King Larry" show to debate.  He is humiliated, causing an upsurge in support for the Ten Commandments, but not enough to win the votes.

After a flurry of amendments and broad changes in the package as originally proposed, the bill is passed.

The Lord signs the bill into law in a ceremony in the Cloud Garden.  As passed, the law contains no commandments, but authorizes new aqueduct projects in the home districts of five key Centurions.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on April 07, 2005, 01:06:35 am
The Rapture (http://swiftreport.blogs.com/news/2005/03/news_that_the_r.html) has occured, how many Christians were left behind? Tom DeLay's feet are still on the ground.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: byron on April 07, 2005, 01:39:11 am
"The Rapture has occured, how many Christians were left behind? Tom DeLay's feet are still on the ground."


Laughing pretty hard at the moment!  I'd love to forward that article to some acquaintences and kin...I just don't have the heart to wreck their day at this particular time. But I think I'll save it for future paybacks.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on April 13, 2005, 11:12:32 pm
While reading one of the threads about coppers, a comment was made about donuts and it reminded me of this. My youngest daughter, when she was 6 or 7, was working on some logic puzzles. One was about a police station and some fingerprints being removed and who-dun-it. I won't go into all the details, but is was the janitor who had been "removing" the prints. My wife was trying to help her think about the scenario, and asked, "where would you find fingerprints in a police station?" And my daughter answered, "On the donuts?"
Everyone blamed me for that answer, for some reason.  :blink:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: byron on April 14, 2005, 02:44:55 am
Lady calls 911 and complains that she has arrived at home to find her 2 kids fighting with one another...she cannot control them. (*I have the benefit of living here and have "heard" the transcipt of the call on local news*)

Lady is very nice, intelligent?,  fairly calm, and just tired of the crap at home with the kids...but calls 911? She does not know what to do and for some unknown reason calls the emergency #.

The 911 operator is a guy, and he is as nice as anybody could ever hope for should they have to call 911...calm, collected, softspoken, verbally clear, & intelligent. He says nothing to the lady about how stupid she is to call 911 over this, and allows her to vent, saying all the right things as she talks.  She calms down further, and is talking in a relaxed manner. The operator pleasantly deadpans, "would you like us to come over and shoot her?" (the daughter)

http://www.nbc5i.com/news/4377253/detail.html (http://www.nbc5i.com/news/4377253/detail.html)

It was wrong for him to say, he immediately apologized repeatedly & sincerely when she took exception to what he said, agreeing that the woman had a reason to report his misconduct....but he was being nice, had built somewhat of a rapport with the woman,  and was trying to empathize with the woman. It was obvious in the tone of voice and his conversation he was concerned (at least on the outside...ha!). But the lady suddenly forgets the problem with the kids and focuses on pursueing a complaint against the 911 operator. And she did, and he got in trouble...but not fired. Poor slob...you can't even be nice anymore...it's the idiots that will get you!!!
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on April 20, 2005, 12:12:51 am
Giant Battle Monsters

Can You Defeat Claire Wolfe? (http://thesurrealist.co.uk/monster?def=claire+wolfe)

 :ph34r:  :o  :D  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on April 24, 2005, 09:15:41 pm
How long can you keep the drunk upright? (http://www.wagenschenke.ch/)

This is too silly for words.

The goal is to make him walk as far as you can, using your mouse to steady him, but you can't see the arrow on the screen.

Can anybody here beat 82 meters?
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on April 26, 2005, 07:45:35 am
I heard this on Paul Harvey this morning:
Maude walked into the kitchen and found her husband, Frank, armed with a fly swatter. She asked what he was doing. He said he was hunting flies. She asked if he had killed any. He said yes, I've killed 5 so far, 3 males and 2 females. Maude asked him how he could tell the difference. Frank said 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on April 27, 2005, 06:58:47 pm
Don't forget to celebrate International Respect for Chickens Day (http://releases.usnewswire.com/GetRelease.asp?id=46439) on May 4th.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on April 30, 2005, 06:43:29 pm
Hey ya, Charlie Brown. (http://www.loveit-or-leaveit.com/videos/heyyacharliebrown.html)

Found this little nugget of...I'm not sure what while browsing the LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT site referenced in the blog today.  Funny though.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: stoky45 on May 01, 2005, 09:23:16 am
Stokie got up early on a bright and sunny day and headed to the lake for a nice relaxing day of fishing. Surprised to see his long time friend, Juan DuhWitless, he walked over to where Juan was fishing.
“Howdy Juan, what are you doing out here.”
“I love to fish,” replied Juan.
“Well I know you like to fish, but there is a time and a place for everything. You just got married. Why aren’t you on your honeymoon making love to your lovely new wife?”
“I can’t do that, she has gonorrhea.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Juan, you have always been popular with the ladies, so I know that you know that there is more than one way to make love. Maybe she could give you some head or you could get into some 69.
“I can’t do that, she has pyorrhea.”
“Did you think about some anal action?”
“I can’t do that, she has diarrhea.”
“Juan, we have been friends for a long time and I know that you have always been a ladies man. So, I gotta ask you, why did you marry a girl with gonorrhea, pyorrhea and diarrhea?”
“Well, she has worms and I love to fish.”
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: velojym on May 01, 2005, 11:05:41 am
I think I'll have a chicken fajita salad for lunch... yes, that would be excellent!
 ;)  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: velojym on May 01, 2005, 11:06:12 am
Hrmm... I went to UPC-online and couldn't find any recipes at all!
What good is a chicken website without recipes?
I complained to the webmaster but I don't think they really 'get' it.
 :P  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on May 01, 2005, 03:33:55 pm
post deleted
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: F42 on May 01, 2005, 07:02:32 pm
Bartenders' Psychology
 
   Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's or a man's personality based on what she / he drinks.
 
   Even though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost ALL counts.
 
 
   The results for
   WOMEN
   who drink :
   ------------
   Beer
 
   Personality:
   Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
   Your Approach:
   Challenge her to a game of pool.
 
   ------------------
 
   Blender Drinks
 
   Personality:
   Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
   Your Approach:
   Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
 
   -------------------
 
   Mixed Drinks
 
   Personality:
   Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
   Your Approach:
   You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink . . .
 
   ---------------------
 
   Wine
   (does not include White Zinfandel)
   Personality:
   Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
   Your Approach:
   Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
 
   -----------------
 
   White Zinfandel
 
  Personality:
   Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
   Your Approach:
   Make her feel smarter than she is . . . this should be an easy target.
 
   -------------------
 
 
   Shots
 
   Personality:
   Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk and naked.
   Your Approach:
   Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
 
   -----------------
 
   Tequila
 
 
   No explanations required. everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
 
   -----------------
 
 
   The results for MEN
 
   The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
 
   ------------------
 
 
   Domestic Beer
 
   He's poor and wants to get laid.
 
    ---------
 
   Imported Beer
 
   He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
 
   -----------
 
   Wine
 
   He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
 
   -----------
 
   Whiskey
 
   He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
 
    -----------
 
   Tequila
 
   He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
 
   ----------
 
   White Zinfandel
 
   He's gay!

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on May 02, 2005, 06:42:13 pm
Quote
post deleted
That bad,  huh?  :-)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on May 04, 2005, 01:39:52 am
Ok, so, this blonde rings the doorbell. Man answers. She says she is working her way through school and will do chores for money. He says how about you paint my porch? She says how much will you pay me? He says hmmmmmm, 50 bux? She agrees. He says here is the paint and brushes and supplies. Then he goes back in the house. His wife asks who was at the door. He explains the situation. She says, did you let her know the porch wraps around 3 sides of the house? He says that from all the dumb blonde jokes he has heard, this ought to be a good deal. He had not told her how big the porch was. After about an hour, the doorbell rings. It is the blonde. He asks how she is doing and she says she is finished. He is amazed, as he thought she might have run out of paint. She says, oh, no, there was enough that I gave it a second coat. But you were mistaken, it wasn't a porch, it was a Mercedes.
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: stoky45 on May 04, 2005, 07:34:57 am
A woman's divorce case is finally being herd.
Judge “What are the grounds for divorce?”
“We live on two acres, West of town.”
“No that’s not what I’m asking. What I want to know is what is driving the request for the divorce.”
“Well, I’m driving the blue Toyota pickup out in the parking lot.”
“Lady, what I mean by what is driving the request for divorce is why you feel that there are irreconcilable problems. For example, does he beat you up?”
“Oh no your honor, I get up at least a half an hour before he does.”
“What I need to know is why you want the divorce.”
Bursting into tears: “The bastard is always complaining that he can’t have an intelligent conversation with me!”
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on May 05, 2005, 12:51:55 am
The next time your boss wants to read you the riot act (http://reactor-core.org/riot-act.html), you can tell him you already read it.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: stoky45 on May 05, 2005, 06:42:43 am
What did the blonde say when she woke up under the cow?

"Oh, are you guys still here?"
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on May 10, 2005, 12:05:27 pm
I'm not a movie critic and I don't play one on Tee Vee. I wish I was so I could do this "review" justice.
My wife picked out a video for the family to watch on mother's day. She planned on Lemony Snickett, but those were all rented out. Sooooo, she got Country Bears. I've gotta tell you, it was way more than I expected. It was a warm, fuzzy family type film with the pat story line of a bad guy (Christopher Walken) wanting to shut down some nostalgic site (the theater where the Country Bear's played when their band was together). The bears have to run around and try to get the band back together after many years (I say it is a pat story line because this has been done many times - The Blues Brothers comes to mind among others).
Besides being warm and fuzzy, it was really damn funny. We were all laughing out loud often. The "car wash" scene had me laughing so hard the back of my neck was hurting from the stress (but it was a good hurt) and we all agreed that scene alone was worth the "price of admission." There are the usual cameos of various famous "stars." The music, as per the title, leans quite a bit toward the country genre, but is still enjoyable and the lyrics are positive and upbeat.
It gets 4 thumbs up from our family.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: stoky45 on May 10, 2005, 07:44:29 pm
How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
one
She just stands there and holds it and expects the world to revolve around her.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on May 11, 2005, 01:11:56 am
(http://photos9.flickr.com/13364985_9fb24f54c9_m.jpg)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: stoky45 on May 11, 2005, 07:26:31 am
dang Ragnar, you made me yurp coffee up my nose

Why is a toilet better than a woman?
can/t talk
always there when you need it
won't follow you around all day after you use it
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on May 13, 2005, 12:33:55 pm
(http://rlmcom.com/xr/rf-liz.jpg)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: stoky45 on May 13, 2005, 07:44:47 pm
Just sit right back and you'll read a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from this tropic port
Aboard this tiny ship.

The mate was a mighty sailing man,
The skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day
For a three hour tour, a three hour tour.

The weather started getting rough,
The tiny ship was tossed,
The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost.

So this is the tale of the castways,
They're here for a long, long time,
They'll have to make the best of things,
It's an uphill climb.

Juan DuhWitless and Ann Coulter too,
Will do their very best,
To make themselves comfortable,
In the tropic island nest.

No phone, no lights no motor cars,
Not a single luxury,
Like Robinson Crusoe,
As primative as can be.

As time passed, loneliness and dementia took their toll and Ann fell truly, madly and deeply in lust with Juan.

This worked out well for Juan.

On the anniversary of their marooning, Ann said that she would like to do something special for Juan. Juan thought for a moment and went off and scrounged up a man’s overcoat, a bowler hat and men’s boots.
“Put these on.” He said.
“Now stand over there.”
Juan walked up and nudged Ann with his elbow.
“Hey buddy, guess who I’ve been fuckin.”  
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on May 13, 2005, 08:45:36 pm
Quote
Juan DuhWitless
[_[ You know, I let the first of these pass.

Do I want to know who this is supposed to be?  And if it's who I think it is, have I done something to offend you, and missed the fun of knowing about it?
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: stoky45 on May 13, 2005, 09:07:05 pm
A Texan walks into a bar and orders a bottle of tequila. He takes a swig, throws the bottle in the air, draws out a Colt Peacemaker and shoots the bottle. One of the patrons remarks that it’s a waste of good tequila. The Texan replies that there is plenty more of that where he’s from.

A chick from California orders a bottle of chardonnay. She pours a glass, pulls a Glock, throws the bottle in the air and misses it with nine rounds. As the bottle crashes to the floor she remarks that there is an over abundance of wine in California.

A guy from Boulder orders a Coors. He takes a swig, reties his ponytail, chugs the rest of his beer and throws the bottle in the air. He draws a 1911 and double taps the Texan and the Californian, reholsters, catches the bottle and says; “In Colorado we have plenty of Texasses and Californicators, but a bottle, now that’s recyclable.”

[size=8](Please note that no actual Juans were harmed in the keyboarding of this tale.)[/size]
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Lightning on May 13, 2005, 09:08:17 pm
Quote
Quote
Juan DuhWitless
<_< You know, I let the first of these pass.

Do I want to know who this is supposed to be?  And if it's who I think it is, have I done something to offend you, and missed the fun of knowing about it?
WTF???

Stoky, if you've got nothing better to do than to take unjustified cheap shots at a classy guy like John DeWitt, you need to get a life badly.

If this was not your intention, please have the decency to clarify your post.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Elias Alias on May 13, 2005, 09:29:35 pm
Quote
Stoky, if you've got nothing better to do than to take unjustified cheap shots at a classy guy like John DeWitt, you need to get a life badly.

If this was not your intention, please have the decency to clarify your post.
...and your clarification had better be very very good....
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on May 13, 2005, 10:56:17 pm
Quote
Quote
Stoky, if you've got nothing better to do than to take unjustified cheap shots at a classy guy like John DeWitt, you need to get a life badly.

If this was not your intention, please have the decency to clarify your post.
...and your clarification had better be very very good....
'cause we're all armed and we have plenty of joke-tellers around here but only 1 Walt's Gulch. And we don't need theStoryteller to be distracted by some bit of rudeness. :rolleyes:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: stoky45 on May 14, 2005, 07:14:25 am
Well, I've thought about it and I decided you guys are right.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Admin note from General Elias: Stoky45, I've just edited your vulgarity out of this post. The next time I, or any other Admin here, see anything like that out of you, you're gone from here. I'll be tracking your ISP now.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: stoky45 on May 14, 2005, 07:34:53 am
How to sing the Blues: A primer
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning...."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch -- ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get no rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whisky glass
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,Kiwi,etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on May 14, 2005, 10:19:35 am
Quote
So I might consider letting you [deleted by Elias] if you think it will make you feel better.
Oh, please do knock it off.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on May 15, 2005, 04:35:16 pm
Nevermind.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: byron on May 17, 2005, 08:27:14 pm
This is from The Daily Reckoning: Every group seems to have a group they use to make fun of. The French use Belgians just as Americans use the Polish or blonds.

Why does a  Belgian man put 2 water glasses next to his bedside - an empty one and a full one - before he goes to sleep?

Because he doesn't know if he will be thirsty or not when he wakes up.

.......................................

Oh...those darn French!!!  :rolleyes:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on May 18, 2005, 12:33:47 am
So there I was at Crimson Crayfish and the person at the table next to me was having the all the soup and salad you can eat deal. He was talking to the girl with him about how the waiter had his thumb in the soup every time he brought out a new bowl. His girl companion said, "So, quit complaining, why don't you be a man and say something about it?"
I guess this increased his ire, because he was none to polite when he did mention it.
Man:"Hey, waiter, I notice you always have your thumb in my soup, what's the deal, idiot?"
Waiter: "Well, I strained it trying to get the lid off a jar earlier and I just needed to keep it warm to relieve the pain."
Man: "Well, why don't you just stick it up your ass, then?"
Waiter:"How do you think I keep it warm on the way back to the kitchen?"

bah dump bump
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on May 21, 2005, 12:31:54 am
This isn't exactly a joke, and I don't know if it will be funny to anyonen else, but my jufdgement  is a little bit impaired right now and it seems  liedke a really good iedea.

So this one time, my dad and I were out bumping around int eh yard one saturday morning, and my mom calls out and says, Have you seen the cat?  And we hadn't and my mom got al panicky becasue there was a patch of fur on the lawn in back of the house, so she made me and my dad go out and look fo rthe cat.
And we looked and lookec, but we couldn't find him, so my dad and i piled intot he truch and went out for a ride around the coutryside to look for him.  We found him.  Flat asa a pancake on teh side of the road a half fmile from home.  So my dad did the decent thing and scrapedhim up and put him in the back of the truck and we went home and my dad tried  to break it to my mom gently that th e cat was dead.  But my mom said, What are oyou talking about, the cat came back a half hour ago.

To this day I don't know what the hell we scraped off the side of the rroad.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on May 21, 2005, 12:37:04 am
:lol: Oh, Lord.

 :( Unfortunately, that story reminds me of another, very similar but with a completely different ending.  And since my story doesn't belong in silly stuff at all, I'll shut up now.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on May 21, 2005, 12:59:44 am
Quote
To this day I don't know what the hell we scraped off the side of the rroad.
I just love it when those random synapses fire and you get those unexplained blasts from the past.
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on May 21, 2005, 09:17:46 am
What cracks me up about that now is I remember sitting in the truck after we found the roadkill and thinking, Lucky we brought a shovel.  It wasn't until later in life I figured out my dad had discreetly slipped it in the back before we went out!
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bono on May 21, 2005, 12:52:20 pm
Smoke Kills (http://www.antimult.ru/antimults/antitoons/001smokekills/view.htm)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on May 21, 2005, 12:59:54 pm
Quote
Smoke Kills (http://www.antimult.ru/antimults/antitoons/001smokekills/view.htm)
Wow, that explains a lot.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bear on May 21, 2005, 03:40:13 pm
Kids can be amusing, even when they're nearly grown.

Awihle back, my-daughter-the-coed complained bitterly about her Danish heritage
having given her 'bovine' hips. This was news to me. I put the paper down and took
a looked at her. My first thought was that she was still a little skinny, and not bovine
by any stretch of the imagination, but my Tact reflex kicked in and I closed my mouth.
Instead I gave her a "Daddism" - something that should be intuitively obvious.

I said, "Womanly hips on a woman are a Good Thing ™."

She gave me a look which I interpreted as "you're-sweet-for-being-supportive-but-you-
don't-know-what-you're-talking-about.".

I was going to take exception to this, as her FATHER, and a certifiable male, I should
know what men think. Instead I just let it slide.

One morning, a couple of days later, she came bouncing out of her room cleaning as
she went. She was cleaning the house and smiling. My first thought was that the
body snatchers had taken my daughter and left this pod person in her place. Cleaning,
and happy too????

I didn't want to ruin the moment, at least until she'd finished the living room, but curiousity
over came me. "Ok, so what's happened?" I asked.

She smiled modestly and said, "I got independent confirmation on the hips-thing." Smirk.
Off she went cleaning some more.

Now, if you think she'd say something like "Gee Dad, you were right!" you must be living
in an alternate universe.

Bear

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: byron on May 21, 2005, 04:39:39 pm
Bear, I do like your story!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Don't know if anybody has followed this story, or if anybody finds humor in it. I find a lot of humor in race relations within the US. I don't find humor in that people make a living on money stolen from me to maintain a constant racial awareness in your face damn near 24/7. Now it seems that the NAACP is taking their show on the road. For the most part, this is only going to confuse folks down below the border. Yes, there are racial issues outside the US, but it is not something you run into much when traveling. People elsewhere seem to be overall undisturbed by what ruffles the feathers here in the US. (Yes, there are exceptions to the rule anywhere you go.)

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050521/ap_on_...x_blacks/nc:734 (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050521/ap_on_re_la_am_ca/mexico_fox_blacks/nc:734) ... this thing is growing by leaps and bounds with many US Black leaders jumping on the bandwagon in the last week.

I used to go to this little out of the way tiny secluded hotel on the ocean in Mexico, a couple of times a year for R&R, before the resorts and big business started changing the landscape there. One night, while drinking at the outdoor bar---a couple of hotel employees engaged us in a game of "Mexican Bingo". You put a mexican jumping bean on your card if you matched the picture held up. The game was also an attempt to teach us drunks a few words of Spanish, English, French, etc. Several card's pictures were of Blacks involved in various stages of entertainment. There were a bunch of Italians, Russians, French, and just a handful of Americans/Canadians sitting around.When the pictures in question were held up, laughter erupted. Only in the US do people stifle laughter of Amos and Andy and Kingfish. The uncomfortable look on the faces of americans sitting there was terribly funny to me, and totally missed by those from other countries.  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on May 22, 2005, 07:34:59 am
Quote
Only in the US do people stifle laughter of Amos and Andy and Kingfish.
Hmmmmmm, do da name Ruby Begonia ring a bell?
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: byron on May 22, 2005, 01:20:59 pm
[Hmmmmmm, do da name Ruby Begonia ring a bell?]

"I think it's a woman...but I wouldn't bet on it!"
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: debra on May 25, 2005, 10:47:29 am
Heh - this is pretty funny.

http://www.linuxbench.org/Posting.html (http://www.linuxbench.org/Posting.html)

 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on May 25, 2005, 11:42:50 am
Quote
Heh - this is pretty funny.

http://www.linuxbench.org/Posting.html (http://www.linuxbench.org/Posting.html)
 :lol:  :D  :lol:  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on May 25, 2005, 11:44:02 am
You should make one for TCF, Debra...

Sort of a "Rules, Dammit" 2.0 :D  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: henshawe on May 25, 2005, 05:03:17 pm
G'Day All,

I think this is the place for idiot JBT's making all feel safer!

PENIS CLOSES ROAD
A large fake penis has caused a major terror alert in America.

A key highway though Florida was closed after a driver spotted what looked like a pipe bomb under an overpass.

Fearing terrorists were trying to blow up the structure, police closed Interstate 75 for an hour.

But on closer inspection police found that the 'device' was actually a foot-long plastic penis.

"Someone took construction-grade plastic, moulded it into a penis and wrapped it with duct tape," said Lee County Sheriff's Chief Deputy Charles Ferrante.

The bomb squad was brought in to handle the situation and a remote-controlled robot used to make the fake penis safe.

Does this mean a  possibility of a female robot being used in this case, you think?
A possible bomb laden penis, yikes.

Regards,

Americus
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: JustPassingBy on May 27, 2005, 01:40:12 am
this one struck me as mighty damn funny

cookie monster (http://www.ifeminists.net/introduction/editorials/2005/0518tynan.html)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: byron on June 01, 2005, 09:49:42 pm
A little boy and a little girl were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?"  He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."  
"uhh, communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "You see, I'm a chiropractor, and I could see that you are tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I can't help practicing my art."

"That's the stupidist thing I have ever heard," the guy growled. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me fucking the guy in front of me?"
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: thistle on June 26, 2005, 08:18:02 pm
John Ross did an interview (http://www.absolutewrite.com/novels/john_ross.htm) with absolutewrite.com. The fated question was:

Quote
What has been your proudest moment as a writer?

There were a number of good memories, such as getting my first four-figure check, seeing
the pallets of bound copies of my novel at the publisher's warehouse, doing my first public
book signing, and getting asked to address a discussion club for the first time.

However, these all pale compared to what happened when I listened to my voicemail messages
one day and heard the following message:

[Agitated woman] "John Ross? Is this thing recording? I just thought you'd like to know that you
and your goddamn book have ruined my honeymoon. Probably my marriage, too. I can't believe
my-" [muffled sound, a second voice, faint, as if a hand is over the receiver, then the hand being
pried off] "Give me that... you bastard, you haven't even-" [more muffled noises, then a man's
voice on the phone:

[Man] "Mr. Ross?"

[The woman, from several feet away] "It's his answering machine."

[Man] "Oh." [relieved] "Uh...Mr. Ross, this is, uh, well, never mind my name, but-"

[Woman in background, yelling] "His name's _________! [name deleted for privacy]

[Man] "Yeah, uh it's_________, that's right. Uh, Mr. Ross, I'm kind of on my honeymoon, and-"

[Woman, screaming now] "KIND OF on your honeymoon?" [muffled sound of hand covering
receiver, alternating screaming and soothing tones, but I can't make out the words]

[Man] "Listen, I started reading your book on the plane 'cause it was a four hour flight, you know,
and now I just can't put it down. And it's pretty long, you know, so I'm still not finished, and my
wife, well, I haven't been paying enough attention to her, and-"

[Woman, screaming loud enough for me to hear even though the man quickly covers the
mouthpiece again] "IT'S THE SECOND DAY OF OUR HONEYMOON AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN
FUCKED ME YET!"

[Man] Um, I guess you heard that, Mr. Ross. Look, everything's going to be okay, I'm almost
finished with it and I can't tell you how much I'm enj- GIVE ME THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!" [Sound
of scuffle and phone being hung up].

I got a follow-up call a day later, where the husband assured me that everything was all right and
his wife wasn't going to file for an annulment.

I plan on blackmailing John to get the actual audio...
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on July 10, 2005, 09:34:44 am
101 Tom Swifties (http://www.webcom.com/~wutka/html/swifties.html)
Quote
"My hair's been cut off," Tom said distressfully.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: standard issue on July 11, 2005, 07:39:40 pm
Found this on another board. For those of you who rememer (or cant forget!) the famous internet
troll known as gunkid who not all that long ago made his first ever (and multiple subsequent)
appearances on TCF, I hereby present for your reading pleasure...

The Adventures of GunKid (http://assaultweb.net/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001132.html)

Someone with a great sense of humor and *way* too much time on thier hands wrote this one...

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

See if you dont laugh!

standard issue
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on July 16, 2005, 04:21:52 am
I've been a fan of Ogden Nash since I was a little tyke. Here are some poems of his that I have memorized. I hope you enjoy them.


Don't be Cross Amanda

Don't be cross Amanda.
Amanda don't be cross.
For when you're cross Amanda,
I feel an albatross around my neck,
Or dank green moss,
And my eyes assume an impervious gloss.
Amanda, dear Amanda,
Don't be cross.

Do not frown Amanda.
Amanda do not frown.
For when you frown Amanda,
I wamble like a clown,
My mouth is stuffed with eiderdown,
And I spatter coffee upon your gown.
Amanda, dear Amanda,
Do not frown.

Don't clam up Amanda.
Amanda do not clam.
For when you clam Amanda,
I don't know where I am.
What is it that I did you damn?
Shall I make amends for a sheep, or lamb?
Amanda, dear Amanda,
Do not clam.

Please be gay Amanda.
Amanda please be gay.
For when you're gay Amanda,
The stars come out by day,
And police throw parking tags away,
And I want to kick up my heels and bray.
Amanda, dear Amanda,
Please be gay.


The Panther

A panther is like a leopard,
Except it hasn't been peppered.
Should you behold a panther crouch,
Prepare to say, "Ouch!"
Better yet, if called by a panther,
Don't anther.


The Hunter

The hunter crouches in the blind
'neath camouflage of every kind.
This grown up man, with pluck, and luck
Is hoping to outwit a duck.


Going to St. Ives

As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven lives.
Seven lives in seven sacks,
Like seven beaves on seven racks.

These seven lives he offered to sell,
But which was best he couldn't tell.
He swore that with any, I'd be happy forever.
I bought all seven and thought I was clever.

But his parting words I can't forget,
"Forever isn't over yet."


Don't remember the title

As I was walking down the street
With nothing in my head,
A sign in a window spoke to me,
And this is what it said:

"Are your pillows a pain in the neck?
Are they lumpy, hard, or torn?
Are they full of influenza germs?
Are they grumpy and forlorn?

"Bring 'em to us.
We do the trick.
Repuff, repenish, recurl, retick.
We return your pillows spanned and spicked,
Repuffed, replenished, recurled, reticked."

As I was walking down the street
With too much in my head.
The sign became a burning bush,
And this is what it said:

"Is the world a pain in the neck?
Is it lumpy, hard, or torn?
Is it full of evil ancestral germs
That were old before you were born?

"Bring it to us.
We do the trick.
Repuff, replenish, recurl, retick.
In twenty-four hours we return the world.
Repuffed, repenished, reticked, recurled."

As I was walking down the street,
I heard the trumpets clearly.
But when I turned to the sign again,
It spoke of pillows merely.
The world remains a derilict.
Unpuffed, unplenished, uncurled, unticked.


Thoughts Thought After a Bridge Party

All women are pets.
But most women can't open a package of cigarettes.

I call down blessings on their bonny heads.
But they can't open a package of cigarettes without ripping it to shreds.

Of the two sexes, women are much the subtler.
But the way the open a package of cigarettes is comparable to opening a bottle of wine by cracking it on the butler.

Women are my inspiration and my queen.
But as long as they can rip one cigarette from the package, they don't care what happens to the other nineteen.

Women are my severest friend.
But the last nineteen cigarettes in packages opened by them are not only bent, but sere and withered, and the tobacco is dribbling out at either end.

Women are creatures of ingenuity and gumption.
Which is why, when they finish with one pack, they leave the nineteen mutilated cigarettes for some man, and move on to a fresh pack, thus leaving thirty-eight mutilated cigarettes for masculine consumption.

Women are ethereal beings subsisting entirely on marshmallow nut sundies and cantelope.
But they open a package of cigarettes like a lioness opening an antelope.


(I had to look this one up, since I never committed it to memory)

Two Dogs Have I

For years we've had a little dog,
Last year we acquired a big dog;
He wasn't big when we got him,
He was littler than the dog we had.
We thought our little dog would love him,
Would help him to become a trig dog,
But the new little dog got bigger,
And the old little dog got mad.

Now the big dog loves the little dog,
But the little dog hates the big dog,
The little dog is eleven years old,
And the big dog only one;
The little dog calls him Schweinhund,
The little dog calls him Pig-dog,
She grumbles broken curses
As she dreams in the August sun.

The big dog's teeth are terrible,
But he wouldn't bite the little dog;
The little dog wants to grind his bones,
But the little dog has no teeth;
The big dog is acrobatic,
The little dog is a brittle dog;
She leaps to grip his jugular,
And passes underneath.

The big dog clings to the little dog
Like glue and cement and mortar;
The little dog is his own true love;
But the big dog is to her
Like a scarlet rag to a Longhorn,
Or a suitcase to a porter;
The day he sat on the hornet
I distinctly heard her purr.

Well, how can you blame the little dog,
Who was once the household darling?
He romps like a young Adonis,
She droops like an old mustache;
No wonder she steals his corner,
No wonder she comes out snarling,
No wonder she calls him Cochon
And even Espèce de vache.

Yet once I wanted a sandwich,
Either caviar or cucumber,
When the sun had not yet risen
And the moon had not yet sank;
As I tiptoed through the hallway
The big dog lay in slumber,
And the little dog slept by the big dog,
And her head was on his flank.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on July 16, 2005, 09:46:57 am
Quote
The Adventures of GunKid (http://assaultweb.net/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001132.html)
 
 :lol: Oh, bless your heart, SI!  I looked for this during the GK episode, but couldn't remember which board had posted it.

This is a lovely memory.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on July 16, 2005, 01:14:42 pm
Last week I happened to be getting out of the shower when my little daughter of two years just decided to let herself into the bathroom.  She started to gleefully and loudly announce her entrance, but stopped suddenly.  She looked me up and down, then her eyes came to rest on the anatomical regions normally covered by clothing.  Very seriously she pointed, looked up at me and quizzically asked, "Tail?"

If you can think of what might have been an appropriate response, I'd love to hear it.  I was absolutely speechless.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on July 16, 2005, 02:30:49 pm
:D as far as I know, thereis no appropriate response.

My daughter pulled that on me when she was five or six, which I considered plenty old enough to know better.  She never said a word.  Just looked me up and down until I grabbed a towel and hustled her out of the bathroom.

She never mentioned the incident afterward.  Might have scarred her for life.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on July 16, 2005, 06:40:42 pm
Quote
:D as far as I know, thereis no appropriate response.

My daughter pulled that on me when she was five or six, which I considered plenty old enough to know better.  She never said a word.  Just looked me up and down until I grabbed a towel and hustled her out of the bathroom.

She never mentioned the incident afterward.  Might have scarred her for life.
And their eyes get SO big when that happens...
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Swein Asleifson on July 16, 2005, 09:23:20 pm
Hey PSM, at least you didn't perform that crotch floss dance for her.  Some things are best saved for the unwashed heathens in heavy traffic.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on July 16, 2005, 10:21:35 pm
Eeeww, icky-poo willies!!
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on July 16, 2005, 10:39:38 pm
Quote
If you can think of what might have been an appropriate response, I'd love to hear it.  I was absolutely speechless.
Might as well just go with the truth. So yeah, maybe she'll use the word "penis" a few times here or there. She's probably going to start using "tail" for it, unless informed otherwise.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on July 17, 2005, 03:14:11 am
A blonde married a farmer.  One morning as he was about to leave for the fields he told her, "BTW, the vet is coming over today to artificially inseminate one of the cows.  I put a nail in the post next to the stall of the right cow.  When he comes over, just take him to that stall and he'll take care of the rest."
Later on, the vet shows up and the blonde takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail in the post.  As the vet is putting on his gloves he notices the nail, and asks the blonde what it's there for.
The blonde replies, "Why, it's to hang your pants on, silly!"
(insert rimshot here)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on July 17, 2005, 03:33:05 am
A hurdy-gurdy man walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down, and orders a beer.  As he's drinking his beer, the monkey hops up on the bar and starts to eat everything.  He eats all the beernuts, all the butts in the ashtrays, all the olives, you get the picture.  The bartender is a little annoyed by this, but he figures the customer is always right, so he doesn't say anything.  This continues for quite awhile until the monkey notices the balls on the pool table.  He immediately jumps up onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it whole.
The bartender has had enough.  He says to the hurdy-gurdy man, "Hey buddy, your monkey just ate the cue ball!  What are we supposed to use to play pool now, a rock?!"
The hurdy-gurdy man sighs heavily, looks down into his beer, and says, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but you see, I can't stop him.  He's an eating machine, he just eats everything in sight!  But I'll tell you what I'll do.  I'll pay for my drink and a brand new cue ball, and my monkey and I will be on our way."
The bartender agrees to this, and soon the hurdy-gurdy man and his monkey have left.
A couple of weeks go by, and one day the hurdy gurdy man and his monkey show up once more.  Same man, same monkey, same old story, except this time when the monkey hops up onto the bar he immediately goes over to the jar of maraschino cherries, pulls one out of the jar, examines it veeeery closely, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is, of course disgusted by this act, and loudly proclaims, "WTF, DUDE?!"
The hurdy-gurdy man again sighs heavily, looks down at his beer and says, "Yeah, I know, I know.  It's disgusting, but you see, after that cue ball he likes to measure everything first."


Thank You, you're a lovely audience!  I'll be here till Thursday!  Try the veal!
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on July 19, 2005, 10:53:38 am
I heard this on Paul Harvey this morning:

There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Plinker-MS on July 19, 2005, 12:22:02 pm
Quote
I heard this on Paul Harvey this morning:

There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.
Nah... There are 10 kinds of people in this world.  Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on July 20, 2005, 04:08:27 pm
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had
slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up
with him. AND, she wanted all the pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around
to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could
find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and
without!) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and
send the rest back."
 
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Alchemist on July 29, 2005, 08:16:28 pm
q
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Shevek on July 29, 2005, 08:44:36 pm
Quote
Last week I happened to be getting out of the shower when my little daughter of two years just decided to let herself into the bathroom. She started to gleefully and loudly announce her entrance, but stopped suddenly. She looked me up and down, then her eyes came to rest on the anatomical regions normally covered by clothing. Very seriously she pointed, looked up at me and quizzically asked, "Tail?"

If you can think of what might have been an appropriate response, I'd love to hear it. I was absolutely speechless.
There is a significant age difference between my youngest brothers and me. When they were tots, they often would take showers with me. They liked their baths, but also liked to take showers with me to act "grown up." I didn't mind as I was the closest thing they had to a father to teach them anything about life. I never paid the idea much mind (30 years ago). Innocence is nice about things like that.

One day in the shower one of my brothers---remember he is literally only tall enough to be at eye level---sputters very matter-of-factly, "Hey, yours is bigger than mine."

I responded, "Well sure. I'm bigger than you everywhere."

"Oh, okay," and he resumed scrubbing.

Then he stopped and said, "How come yours has hair and mine don't?"

I said, "That's just the way nature works. When you get older you'll get hair too."

"Oh, okay," and he resumed scrubbing.

As he's scrubbing, he is of course, exploring himself with this new information.

"Hey," he says, "Can yours do this?

"Do what?" I asked with my head under the shower head, rinsing the shampoo.

"Stick out like this."

I finished rinsing enough to turn around and look at him. He's damned proud of himself and then he looked up at me and smiled. I smirked, shook my head slowly sideways, and said, "You goofball." He snorted and giggled as only a little kid can snort and giggle.

There ain't no such thing as an appropriate response. You just go with the flow. :)
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: byron on August 05, 2005, 01:28:37 pm
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing!?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm 35 years old, unmarried, and this is about the closest thing I'll get to a husband. Please go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the father heard the same buzzing noise coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query on what she was doing, the daughter replied, "Dad, I am 35 years old, unmarried, and this thing is about the closest thing I'll ever get to a husband. Please go away."

The next day, the mother and daughter came home from a shopping trip. While placing the groceries in the kitchen, they heard that buzzing noise coming from all places....the family room. They entered the room and observed the husband / father sitting  and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" :angry:

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law. ^_^  
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on August 05, 2005, 01:42:00 pm
Not too long ago, Hillary Clinton said that George W. Bush reminded her of Alfred E. Neumann.  I can't argue with her on that.  Apparently, neither can these guys (http://www.thenation.com/covers/alfredw/alfredw.pdf).
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Shevek on August 06, 2005, 03:34:54 pm
After the choir finished singing, the pastor walked to the lectern. He had a very serious look on his face.

"Brothers and Sisters," he began, "As you know, there is quite a significant Finnish population in this region. Additionally, Finnish jokes are quite popular, and Finns are made the butts of many jokes." The pastor paused, looked at his notes, then looked back at the congregation.

"I really do not think when we tell Finnish jokes that we are acting as models and representatives of the Lord. Such jokes are racial, they mock our neighbors, and they contribute to the hate and discontent in this world.

"Now, I realize that such jokes can be funny. However, I propose that instead of using Finlanders as the butt of such jokes, that instead we use Hittites. As all of you know from your Bible and history, the Hittites long ago went extinct as a people. Thus, telling our favorite jokes using Hittites instead of Finns will do much to promote peace and brotherly love."

The pastor paused for a long moment and then said, "And the people said---"

"Amen," replied everybody in the congregation.

"Amen," said the pastor. "To set the tone for this new habit, I will now tell the first Hittite joke.

"There were two Hittites walking down the street, named Toivo and Aho..."

*****

Ladies and Gentlemen
Hobos and Tramps
Flies and Mosquitoes
And Bald Headed Ants

I come before you
To stand behind you
To tell you a story
I know nothing about

Late last night
About six this morning
An empty truck
Loaded with bricks
Ran over a dead dog and half nearly killed it

They rushed to the hospital
At five miles per hour
Only to find King Arthur
Sitting at the fourth corner of a round table
Eating vinegar with a fork
Title: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on August 07, 2005, 11:29:36 am
Nevermind.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on September 09, 2005, 10:25:37 am
(http://www.reason.com/hod/cartoon.cb.090905.gif)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on September 10, 2005, 08:18:26 pm
Needed a break:   

Viking Kittens (http://www.vikingkittens.com/)

Title: HO HO HO
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on September 16, 2005, 11:55:41 pm
I didn't want to start a new thread just for this news, and couldn't think of anywhere else to put it.
On Monday this week, my 18 year old daughter, who is an aspiring actress as well as teaching acting and magic at the local rec center, wanted to go to an audition for Miracle on 34th Street (she had already accepted a role in Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing). My 9 year old daughter and I were going to drop her off and go to the library for a while. As we were approaching the theater, the older daughter was trying to coax the younger one into auditioning. She said she wasn't ready. So, I opened my big mouth and said, "I'll audition if you do." Simply to motivate her to audition. Ok, so now I have the lead as Kris Kringle, younger daughter has the lead girl part as Susan and older daughter has the lead adult female role of Doris, Susan's mother. As if I didn't have enough things on my plate already. And the way I am, I now have books from the library on acting methods and stuff to help me do a good job with it. Even though it is community theater, if even one person shows up, I feel I owe them an enjoyable evening for their money. I really think it should be fun, but I need to have my head examined for taking on such a big project.

Hmmm, I hit the reply button, but was able to edit the Subject heading. Will this create a new thread or keep it in the Silly Stuff thread with a different "Subject?" Have we all been wondering that? I guess we'll see. If it creates a new thread, you might wonder why I said I wasn't going to create a new thread. Isn't that some Silly Stuff?
Title: Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Post by: Cecelio on September 20, 2005, 02:20:28 pm
I'm not intending this to start a religious debate/fight, but it is well written, and funny:

http://www.venganza.org

(I particularly like the part about the beer volcano.)

-Jim
Title: Re: HO HO HO
Post by: securitysix on September 20, 2005, 02:58:02 pm
I didn't want to start a new thread just for this news, and couldn't think of anywhere else to put it.
On Monday this week, my 18 year old daughter, who is an aspiring actress as well as teaching acting and magic at the local rec center, wanted to go to an audition for Miracle on 34th Street (she had already accepted a role in Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing). My 9 year old daughter and I were going to drop her off and go to the library for a while. As we were approaching the theater, the older daughter was trying to coax the younger one into auditioning. She said she wasn't ready. So, I opened my big mouth and said, "I'll audition if you do." Simply to motivate her to audition. Ok, so now I have the lead as Kris Kringle, younger daughter has the lead girl part as Susan and older daughter has the lead adult female role of Doris, Susan's mother. As if I didn't have enough things on my plate already. And the way I am, I now have books from the library on acting methods and stuff to help me do a good job with it. Even though it is community theater, if even one person shows up, I feel I owe them an enjoyable evening for their money. I really think it should be fun, but I need to have my head examined for taking on such a big project.

Hmmm, I hit the reply button, but was able to edit the Subject heading. Will this create a new thread or keep it in the Silly Stuff thread with a different "Subject?" Have we all been wondering that? I guess we'll see. If it creates a new thread, you might wonder why I said I wasn't going to create a new thread. Isn't that some Silly Stuff?

If it makes you feel any better, I was in a play once.  Granted, I was in 4th grade and decided PDQ (first 10 minutes after being accepted) that I didn't want to be in a play, but I made a commitment and I had to stick to it (because my parents made me).  I managed to remember most of my lines, even.  It was a Christmas play about some kids doing a Christmas play.  I don't remember the name of it, but that's not important.  My older sister played, ironically, my older sister in the play.  She enjoyed it and wound up doing quite a bit of community theater in high school, everything from acting to production.  I think she's still doing a dab of production down in Chickasha (pronounced Chick uh shay).  I decided to never do theater again after that. 

In fact, by the middle of 6th grade, I pretty much decided against any performance arts all together.  That was after a short stint in the school band, which I got bored with when I finished the trumpet book before the Christmas concert (which I didn't perform in even though I was the only one who could play the second trumpet part halfway decent). 

Anyway, I won't wish you any of the cliches that are reported to cause bad luck, but I will recommend that you try to have fun with it.  If you don't enjoy it, though, remember to keep your foot and mouth far apart in the future.  :)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: freewoman on September 20, 2005, 05:14:56 pm
Hey, Ragnar, who you callin' a ho?

PL

The moral of your story is:  never push your children into something they don't want to do.  Countless parents have ended up coaching teams, leading scout troups, and even acting in plays as a result.

It could be worse--your daughter could have been trying out for The Birdcage or something.

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on September 20, 2005, 06:26:31 pm
Hey, Ragnar, who you callin' a ho?

PL

The moral of your story is:  never push your children into something they don't want to do.  Countless parents have ended up coaching teams, leading scout troups, and even acting in plays as a result.


Oh, it's not that she didn't want to act, she had already been preparing a song so she could audition for Scrooge, she was just saying she wasn't ready to audition with no advance notice. And, I've already been hauling them around regularly to rehearsals, etc.


It could be worse--your daughter could have been trying out for The Birdcage or something.


Well, the older one was in a "shadow cast" for Hedwig and the Angry Inch (http://www.finelinefeatures.com/sites/hedwig/)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: debra on September 27, 2005, 05:49:08 pm
Just found this joke & had to share:

A man was driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads.....SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination...drives on.

Soon, he sees another sign which says...SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third...SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the side of the parking lots, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business"...he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
Title: Ordering Pizza In 2008....
Post by: F42 on September 27, 2005, 07:03:12 pm
This is so close to what is probably going to be happening in 2008 that we're not sure how funny this really is...
 
OPERATOR: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?
 
CUSTOMER: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
 
OPERATOR: I must have your NIDN first, sir.
 
CUSTOMER! : My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.
 
OPERATOR: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. E-mail address is sheehan@home.net . I see you're calling me from home.
 
CUSTOMER: Huh? Where'd you get all this information?
 
OPERATOR: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
 
CUSTOMER: The HSS, what is that?
 
OPERATOR: We're wired into the! Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
 
CUSTOMER: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.
 
OPERATOR: I don't think that a good idea, sir.
 
CUSTOMER: Whaddya mean?
 
OPERATOR: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.

CUSTOMER: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
 
OPERATOR: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it. CUSTOMER: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
 
OPERATOR: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion. CUSTOMER: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
 
OPERATOR: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish to the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
 
CUSTOMER: Lemme give you my credit card number.
 
OPERATOR: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
 
CUSTOMER: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.
 
OPERATOR: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.
 
CUSTOMER: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
 
OPERATOR: We're running a little behind. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick ! 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.
 
CUSTOMER: Wait! How do you know I ride a bike? 

OPERATOR: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
 
CUSTOMER: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
 
OPERATOR: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
 
CUSTOMER: (speechless)
 
OPERATOR: Will there be anything else, sir?
 
CUSTOMER: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke..
 
OPERATOR: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this...
 

Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

F42


edited to add a <CR>
Title: Re: Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Post by: LawyerZeke on September 27, 2005, 08:11:49 pm
I'm not intending this to start a religious debate/fight, but it is well written, and funny:

http://www.venganza.org

(I particularly like the part about the beer volcano.)

-Jim


Yeah, I even finally found an avatar I liked there. :) Hell, it makes as much sense as any other theory.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: velojym on September 28, 2005, 01:45:05 am
Broadband users only... but it's frickin' hilarious!

http://whiler.free.fr/bf2/demos/Mine.wmv
 O0
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Robert Hedrock on September 28, 2005, 09:41:32 am
From the cover cartoon of "Free Life" magazine:

   [Hijacker with gun]   "Take me to a free country!"

   [Pilot, wearily]   "What do you think this Goddamn thing IS?  An effing spaceship?"


       www.libertarian.co.uk

RH
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on September 28, 2005, 09:54:36 am
Broadband users only... but it's frickin' hilarious!

http://whiler.free.fr/bf2/demos/Mine.wmv
 O0
Heh... :laugh:

"What... what are those, subtitles?!?" ^_^
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on October 04, 2005, 09:26:31 am
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie......but this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook.   She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this",  said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said,  "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon

The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on October 04, 2005, 03:53:58 pm
Why there was no looting in Texas (http://www.geocities.com/johndwitt2003/no_looting.jpg)
Title: Penguin Poo, and other Ig Nobel prizes
Post by: rockchucker on October 07, 2005, 07:01:40 pm
Penguin Pooh Paper Earns Ig Nobel (http://www.wired.com/news/culture/0,1284,69135,00.html?tw=rss.TOP)
Quote
Another gross-out idea won this year's Ig Nobel Prize in Fluid Dynamics: Two European researchers calculated the pressure that builds up inside a penguin about to go potty, and reported their findings in a paper entitled, Pressures Produced When Penguins Pooh -- Calculations on Avian Defaecation.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on October 08, 2005, 12:21:29 am
I just have no response to that.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on October 08, 2005, 07:08:52 pm
I have no idea if this is silly or strange, but I just noticed it. Might be board gremlins, or somebody messing with my head.

Over on the left side where the poster ID is, with the stars and avatar and stuff, for my post count, in instead of a number, is the work "leet", which is typically spelled "1334" in the only lingo I'm aware of with such a word.

And now it's "1338". Hmm, looks like the board authors were playing with "1337". I guess that'd be an uppercase T not lowercase.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on October 08, 2005, 11:11:43 pm
Hmmm, feeling a bit leet headed?  :laugh:

The discussion in the Judaism thread, especially the statement about unclean meat, reminds me very little of an encounter with a male of the Amish persuasion. I asked him why they had beards, but no mustaches. He replied with a twinkle in his eye that it was so they would not have their minds on worldly things.  :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on October 09, 2005, 12:07:35 am
James P. Hogan has a new web page in test,  and in the "Humor and Diversions" section I found "The Lighter Side of Security Hysteria",  here:  http://www.jamesphogan.com/archives/jokes.php?bbnum=88
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: T.H.E. Cat on October 09, 2005, 02:34:53 pm
Scientists at the Rand have created this model (http://users.net1plus.com/scottm/HomeComputer.jpg) to illustrate how a "home computer" could look like in the year 2004.

I saw that pic a long time ago. The big question was, "Why the dual stearing wheels? :laugh:

Cat
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: T.H.E. Cat on October 09, 2005, 02:52:41 pm
Scientists at the Rand have created this model (http://users.net1plus.com/scottm/HomeComputer.jpg) to illustrate how a "home computer" could look like in the year 2004.

I saw that pic a long time ago. The big question was, "Why the dual stearing wheels? :laugh:

Cat

I guess I should have read further before replying. I see someone answered that question :doh: :BangHead:

Cat

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Basil Fishbone on October 09, 2005, 11:06:11 pm
Apologies if this has already been posted at some time.   Basil

 
A Message from John Cleese (of the Monty Python fame)  
To the citizens of the United States of America:  
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus  
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your  
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II  will
resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories  
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).  
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America  
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be  
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine  whether any of
you noticed.  
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules  
are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up "revocation" in the  
Oxford English Dictionary.)  
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be  
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.  
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and  
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping  half the
letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.  Generally, you
will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up
vocabulary).  
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such  as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of  
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft  know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take  account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will  relearn your
original national anthem, God Save The Queen.  
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.  
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,  or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows  that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by  
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or  
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.  
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry  anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if  you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.  
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your  
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.  
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start  
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go  
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.  Both ro
undabouts and metrication will help you understand the British  sense of
humour.  
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been  
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.  
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries  
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are  
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and  
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.  
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually  beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as  beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to  as
Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so  that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.  
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good  
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English  
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings  
and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a  
cheese grater.  
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of  
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,  be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,  but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full  
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).  
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable  to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played  outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world  beyond your
borders, your error is understandable.  
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.  
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her  Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all  monies due
(backdated to 1776).  
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,  
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.  
John Cleese
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jon on October 10, 2005, 10:59:27 am
An 1893 Friday afternoon in the Saloon Bar started off much like any other.
It was not to end that way.
Through the swing doors plunged a frantic junior Telegraph clerk.
Skidding untidily to a halt in the middle of the room he panted the news:
"Big Bad Bartosch" is coming!!"
Patrons in the room froze.
The resident pianist struck a chord unknown to the world of sheet music.
Brave men that day whimpered in fright. Thoughout the length and breadth of the Territory hard swearing, whiskey-swilling bullock drivers trembled at the name of Big Bad Bartosch. He was the stuff of countless gorey legends ... all of which happened to be entirely true, and spreading fast.
 
The Barman leapt into frenzied activity, preemptively grabbing bottles and glasses from exposed shelves behind the bar to stow under the counter.
Waiters and waitresses scampered about, rescuing chinaware and kerosene lanterns.
A group of card players at a corner table scooped winnings into hats and crammed them tightly on to their heads.
A Banker unclipped his expensive gold fob watch and swallowed it.
Buxom ladies in plunging necklines checked their lipstick and eyeshadow in mirrors and primped their hair.

Outside, vultures circled expectantly overhead.
Like a bull humping a Dingo trap in error, a blood curdling roar vibrated horse troughs and hitching rails.  Windows quivered and chandeliers jiggled.
The mirror behind the bar showered to the floor in tinkling splinters.
A first wave of wannabee refugees dived for cover behind each other.

Like a clap of thunder swing doors burst open. One somersaulted off its hinges.
The other flattened the Telegraph clerk who had been cowering behind it.
He slid flacidly to the floor, like a soggy cardboard cutout.
Silhouetted in the doorway towered a colossus of a creature.
In one ham sized fist writhed a viperous stock-whip.
In the other gleamed an evil black revolver that could have been a sawn off canon.
Hairy muscles bulged like fibrous coconuts, and that was just the fingers.
Between chaotic yellow teeth smouldering a salami sized cigar, its languid cloud of acrid smoke a host to trails of turbulence laced through it by orbiting flies.
From deep behind the shadow under the drooping brim of a stained and battered hat, glowering emerald eyes with reptile slit pupils swept distainfully around the room.

"Well?" hollered the spectre, "What the f * * *'s a man gotta do to get a drink 'round here?!!"

Riding boot heels jackhammered and floor boards creaked. Spurs jingled at each step like chain links as he swaggered into the saloon cracking his whip, cussing up a blizzard of flaking paint from neglected walls.

Wringing his apron anxiously, a waiter in his path implored:
"Please Mister, we don't want no trouble here ... ".
"Outta my way, cockroach!" bellowed the juggernaut,
"When I decide to make trouble .. you'll know it!"
He snatched up the terrified wimp by the belt and planted him headfirst into a spittoon.

Carving a swath to the bar, he sent splintered tables and chairs cartwheeling through the air in all directions, along with their occupants. Pausing to blow his nose on a tablecloth, he snaked his whip around one of the ladies, dragged her to him and ravished her on the spot.
Yielding to misguided chivalry, a cardplayer moved as if to defend her honour.
Without missing a stroke or glancing up, the beast raised his gun and blew the fool's hat off. Coins showered everywhere.
Dropping his lady-become-wench to consummate her frenzy solitaire, the behemoth hove to alongside the bar, thundering:
"Giv's a tall tankard o' yer finest ale, afore I hang ya from a coat hook by yer nostrils!"
Trembling, the barman filled his largest tankard and timidly slid it across.
It dwelt barely a moment at the bristled granite visage before it was slammed down on to the bar so hard its contents fountained up to adorn the ceiling.
"Phwoarr! What's this cat's piss!?" roared the creature in outrage,
"Listen dung-bag, I ordered finest ale and that's what I aim t' git!!
"I'm truly sorry, Mr Bartosch, that IS our best ale ..."
Lunging across the bar the monster grabbed the man by the tie and pulled him eyeball to squinting eyeball:
"What's all this 'Bartosch' business ?!" he menaced in vintage stale breath fumes.
"W-Well, y-you are Big Bad Bartosch, are'nt you? We heard you were c-coming ..."
Growing instantly pale, the stranger froze transfixed.
Shocked, he whispered hoarsely: "Big Bad Bartosch?? Coming here!?"
As he scurried for the door he wailed back in mortal dread:
"I've been riding at full gallop all week to get away from that uncouth bastard!!"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on October 10, 2005, 11:12:19 am
Why Google must never, ever, ever be bought by Microsoft. (http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20051009) :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jon on October 10, 2005, 11:49:01 am

AAARRRGHHH !!

Hyperlink (http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/9048/tabfest6sf.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: canaan on October 12, 2005, 09:55:18 pm
*Mark your calendar for next Saturday.*

As you may know, it's a sin for a Taliban male to see a woman other than his
wife, naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So this Saturday at 4 P.M.
eastern time, all American women are asked to walk out of their houses,
completely naked, to weed out any terrorists in your neighborhood. Circling
the block for one hour is suggested for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their homes to
prove they are not Taliban, and to show support for American women. Since
the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six pack beside your
seat is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The U S government appreciates your participation in this anti-terrorist
activity.

God bless America.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: lewlew on October 12, 2005, 11:07:24 pm
If you are American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
 European. 

(can you tell it's been a long day and I'm two beers up on you?  :mellow:)
Title: no other real place to pose this question....
Post by: canaan on October 13, 2005, 07:43:45 am

Just out of curiosity....

Who is TCF member #  13  ?   or #  69 ?   or worse  # 666  ?

see what happens when I type before I have my coffee!  It's all MADMOON'S  fault !

 :angel:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jon on October 13, 2005, 10:19:35 am
Did you hear about the chicken that swallowed a rubber band?

It laid the same egg ... 4 times!
Title: Re: no other real place to pose this question....
Post by: Tin-Man on October 13, 2005, 11:29:41 am

Just out of curiosity....

Who is TCF member #  13  ?   or #  69 ?   or worse  # 666  ?

see what happens when I type before I have my coffee!  It's all MADMOON'S  fault !

 :angel:
As far as #666 goes:  http://thementalmilitia.com/forums/index.php?topic=3403.0
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on October 13, 2005, 07:36:58 pm
THE CLASS OF 2005
Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:
 
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
 
HEY! I have heard of most of that stuff!!

I LOVE history!  :laugh:
Title: Re: no other real place to pose this question....
Post by: purple kitty on October 14, 2005, 10:31:19 am

Just out of curiosity....

Who is TCF member #  13  ?   or #  69 ?   or worse  # 666  ?

see what happens when I type before I have my coffee!  It's all MADMOON'S  fault !

 :angel:
Jebur27 is #13 and Augustwest is #69
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on October 14, 2005, 10:47:48 am
THE CLASS OF 2005
Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:
 
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
 
HEY! I was born in 1983! (barely.. at the very end..) and I have heard of most of that stuff!!

I LOVE history!  :laugh:
I must love history too; I was born in 1984 and, while there's a few events I didn't witness, there's not a single thing on that list I don't "get". Must be my parents' influence.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on October 14, 2005, 11:03:24 am
I must love history too; I was born in 1984 and, while there's a few events I didn't witness, there's not a single thing on that list I don't "get". Must be my parents' influence.
Yea, I think the list is an overgeneralization. I know there are lots of people my age that *don't* get most of that stuff... I guess since I'm the youngest and my oldest silbing is 10 years older than me, I was exposed to much of that stuff. The list also seems to assume you never watch tv, old movies, or talk to anybody older than you.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on October 16, 2005, 01:49:18 pm
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

===============================================

THE SITUATION

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

===============================================

THE TEST

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush!

The raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options--you can save a man's life, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo that documents the death of one of the world's most powerful politicians.

===============================================

THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: butterfly*kisses on October 16, 2005, 03:05:36 pm
As to the personality test...

Black Knight

Quote
our distinct personality, The Black Knight, might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. Your overriding goal is to win. You approach each task or situation as a contest to be won strategically and efficiently. Because you can control your feelings, it is not unusual for you to charm, as well as successfully delegate tasks and responsibilities to the more emotional types. You are often concerned with what's in it for you. You seldom involve yourself in activities where you can not foresee a reward for your investment or effort. On the positive side, you can be analytically empathic and logically persuasive. On the negative side, you may be unemotionally manipulative as well as impulsive. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

Unemotionally manipulative? That's kind of harsh, isn't it?

Sheesh...no wonder people don't like these things... ^_^
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on October 16, 2005, 03:30:07 pm
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Ah, that's too easy. While I've gotten some nice shots with Kodachrome (25 and 64), Ektachrome, and even Fujichrome, B&W is really what I'm interested in ... when I can afford to pursue photography again, that is.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on October 16, 2005, 03:32:29 pm
Well, I've heard of things such as leopard toads, and even cameleopards, this is the first I've heard of camel toads (http://stopthebleating.typepad.com/stop_the_bleating/2005/10/now_thats_funny.html).
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on October 16, 2005, 04:58:26 pm
Here is a really great little story about a Roomba and cats. (http://www.earlygirl.com/roombaloo.shtml) Be sure to click the "more" link at the bottom of the page!

NOTE: The Roomba is a little circle vacuum cleaner that crawls on the floor and vacuums while you're gone... or while you sit there watching it. Sorry JDW. Thought everyone knew what a Roomba was! :P
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on October 16, 2005, 05:38:08 pm
Here is a really great little story about a Roomba and cats.

Oh, now....that's funny.  Took me a bit to figure out what the hell a "roomba" was, though.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: butterfly*kisses on October 16, 2005, 07:16:37 pm
I must love history too; I was born in 1984 and, while there's a few events I didn't witness, there's not a single thing on that list I don't "get". Must be my parents' influence.
Yea, I think the list is an overgeneralization. I know there are lots of people my age that *don't* get most of that stuff... I guess since I'm the youngest and my oldest silbing is 10 years older than me, I was exposed to much of that stuff. The list also seems to assume you never watch tv, old movies, or talk to anybody older than you.


I also had some qualms with that list as I was also born in 1983. (However, I am the oldest sibling). When I was growing up, my parents still played vinyl records (and still do to this day...I even know how to use a record player...imagine that).

But, I figured it was all in fun so I really didn't make too much fuss.

Hey, at least now I know that I am not the only person here in my early twenties...(No offense to anyone, but I was really beginning to wonder...)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on October 16, 2005, 11:22:02 pm
Nevermind.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on October 17, 2005, 12:58:30 pm
I must love history too; I was born in 1984 and, while there's a few events I didn't witness, there's not a single thing on that list I don't "get". Must be my parents' influence.
Yea, I think the list is an overgeneralization. I know there are lots of people my age that *don't* get most of that stuff... I guess since I'm the youngest and my oldest silbing is 10 years older than me, I was exposed to much of that stuff. The list also seems to assume you never watch tv, old movies, or talk to anybody older than you.


I also had some qualms with that list as I was also born in 1983. (However, I am the oldest sibling). When I was growing up, my parents still played vinyl records (and still do to this day...I even know how to use a record player...imagine that).

But, I figured it was all in fun so I really didn't make too much fuss.

Hey, at least now I know that I am not the only person here in my early twenties...(No offense to anyone, but I was really beginning to wonder...)

You're not.  In fact, there are quite a few 20-somethings on the board, I do believe.  Nor are either of you the youngest members of the board.  That honor goes, AFAIK, to elk.  In defense of the record player, by the way, I used to sit in front of the stereo during the summer and play records to cure boredom.  I keep threatening to steal my parents' records if I can ever afford to move out.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on October 17, 2005, 07:55:48 pm
I must love history too; I was born in 1984 and, while there's a few events I didn't witness, there's not a single thing on that list I don't "get". Must be my parents' influence.
Yea, I think the list is an overgeneralization. I know there are lots of people my age that *don't* get most of that stuff... I guess since I'm the youngest and my oldest silbing is 10 years older than me, I was exposed to much of that stuff. The list also seems to assume you never watch tv, old movies, or talk to anybody older than you.


I also had some qualms with that list as I was also born in 1983. (However, I am the oldest sibling). When I was growing up, my parents still played vinyl records (and still do to this day...I even know how to use a record player...imagine that).

But, I figured it was all in fun so I really didn't make too much fuss.

Hey, at least now I know that I am not the only person here in my early twenties...(No offense to anyone, but I was really beginning to wonder...)

You're not.  In fact, there are quite a few 20-somethings on the board, I do believe.  Nor are either of you the youngest members of the board.  That honor goes, AFAIK, to elk.  In defense of the record player, by the way, I used to sit in front of the stereo during the summer and play records to cure boredom.  I keep threatening to steal my parents' records if I can ever afford to move out.

Ah, the record player turntable. My dear old Dual 721 is about dead. The speed control works, it just takes it a while to warm up to the task. That I can live with. But the headshell contacts are intermittent, and my guess is that repairing/replacing the tonearm will be more expensive than just buying a new turntable. Sigh.

Uh, not that I'd mind replacing it with a Linn or Thorens or something like that, if a pile of money dropped in my lap.
Title: The Monster Name Decoder
Post by: rockchucker on October 17, 2005, 09:51:56 pm
ROCKCHUCKER (http://monster.namedecoder.com/index.php?acronym=rockchucker&design=beast)
Quote
R.O.C.K.C.H.U.C.K.E.R.: Ravenous Oblivion-Consumed Kitten-Crushing Hitchhiker-Upsetting Creature from the Knobby Enchanted Ruin
(http://monster.namedecoder.com/webimages/beast-ROCKCHUCKER.png)

Monster Name Decoder (http://monster.namedecoder.com/)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: velojym on October 17, 2005, 11:39:15 pm
(http://monster.namedecoder.com/webimages/ghoul-VELOJYM.png)

Muahahahahaha!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on October 18, 2005, 04:40:31 am
Hehe

(http://monster.namedecoder.com/webimages/reptipod-BILLSTCLAIR.png) (http://monster.namedecoder.com)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Morrigan on October 18, 2005, 06:49:34 am
M.O.R.R.I.G.A.N.: Malevolent Offensive Redhead-Reaping Investigator-Grabbing Abomination of Nihilism

How did they know that I am a redhead?
Didn't like any of the avatars though............
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: madmoon on October 18, 2005, 07:15:14 am
i didn't like the choices either

Malevolent Anthropologist-Devouring Monster from the Ominous Onyx Necropolis



madmoon
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on October 18, 2005, 08:13:07 am
George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.

He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.  Bush asks, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?" 

"Set an honest and honorable example, as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away. 

The next night, Bush sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.  Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?” 

"Respect the Constitution" Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

The third night Bush awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering, Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"   

"Help the less fortunate, as I did," FDR replies and fades. 

The fourth night Bush sees another figure.  Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?”   

"Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on October 19, 2005, 07:28:07 pm
Blonde joke.....

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.
A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other, and another customer asked,
"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the blonde a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Now look at this photo..... (http://userpages.umbc.edu/~elf1/image002.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Cecelio on October 20, 2005, 12:37:06 am
C.E.C.E.L.I.O.: Cursed Evil Cheerleader-Eating Livestock-Injuring Ogre

Got kindof a nice ring to it. :)


And just for laughs...

B.U.S.H.: Beast from the Underground Sunless Hills


-Jim
Title: Re: Silly Stuff (710)
Post by: velojym on October 20, 2005, 02:10:06 am
I don't think any of the guys I work with have called it OIL in a while now. At times a pilot will skritch his head confuzzledly and ask where the heck the 710 cap is.
muahahahahaha

But, they still trust us enough to go ahead and fly the durned airplane!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on October 20, 2005, 07:17:30 pm
Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41676
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on October 26, 2005, 08:30:32 am
Kansas Department of Revenue
Frequently Asked Questions (http://www.ksrevenue.org/faqs-abcdrugtax.htm)

1. What are the tax rates for marijuana?

Pursuant to K.S.A. 79-5202, the tax rates are:

Processed $3.50 per gram, Wet Plant $0.40 per gram, Dry Plant $0.90 per gram

2. Why tax illegal drugs?

The fact that the business of dealing marijuana and controlled substances is illegal does not exempt it from taxation. Legitimate business transactions are taxed. Dealing drugs is a large part of a previously untaxed underground economy.
. . .
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jon on October 26, 2005, 08:45:24 am
J.O.N.

Jolly Ozzie Nonsense.  :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: canaan on November 01, 2005, 06:25:24 am
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/uclickcomics/20051101/cx_nq_uc/nq20051101


 :hello:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Julian on November 01, 2005, 01:26:52 pm
Here is a really great little story about a Roomba and cats. (http://www.earlygirl.com/roombaloo.shtml) Be sure to click the "more" link at the bottom of the page!

NOTE: The Roomba is a little circle vacuum cleaner that crawls on the floor and vacuums while you're gone... or while you sit there watching it. Sorry JDW. Thought everyone knew what a Roomba was! :P

:laugh:  That's hilarious!  My cat would probably pounce on it and ride it around the room, though.:whip2:

Just an aside(sorry for the buzzkill in the Silly Stuff thread), in case anybody didn't know, the company that makes Roomba is also developing battlefield robots for the DoD.  I won't be buying anything from them...

Julian
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on November 11, 2005, 02:57:25 pm
It's a conspiracy!

http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on November 13, 2005, 01:33:56 am
...
Ah, the record player turntable. My dear old Dual 721 is about dead. The speed control works, it just takes it a while to warm up to the task. That I can live with. But the headshell contacts are intermittent, and my guess is that repairing/replacing the tonearm will be more expensive than just buying a new turntable. Sigh.

Uh, not that I'd mind replacing it with a Linn or Thorens or something like that, if a pile of money dropped in my lap.

I was with my daughters at the mall recently and had done all the browsing they like to do - girl stuff - and we were passing the  Bang and Olufsen (http://www.bang-olufsen.com/web2/) store. They got to do some browsing, then. At first they were reluctant. "Awww, dad, do we have to?" Then they were wishing there was more money in the bank account. I don't think they make turntables any more, though.

But, that is not silly stuff. I came over here to say the following and caught up on my silly stiff reading while I was here.

I recently found the "GO UP" button. Hadn't seen it before. I keep hitting that button, but I'm still sitting right here in my chair. Haven't levitated even one inch.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on November 13, 2005, 01:49:08 am
Here is a really great little story about a Roomba and cats. (http://www.earlygirl.com/roombaloo.shtml) Be sure to click the "more" link at the bottom of the page!

NOTE: The Roomba is a little circle vacuum cleaner that crawls on the floor and vacuums while you're gone... or while you sit there watching it. Sorry JDW. Thought everyone knew what a Roomba was! :P

:laugh:  That's hilarious!  My cat would probably pounce on it and ride it around the room, though.:whip2:

Just an aside(sorry for the buzzkill in the Silly Stuff thread), in case anybody didn't know, the company that makes Roomba is also developing battlefield robots for the DoD.  I won't be buying anything from them...

Julian
Waitaminute!  I want a battlefield robot!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on November 13, 2005, 06:31:32 am
New show to air on Fox:  When Girls Attack!

Link (http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/news/breaking_news/13153556.htm)

Quote
BROOKLYN CENTER, Minn. - Police shut down a suburban shopping mall Saturday after screaming fans of the boy band B5 rushed the stage during a free concert, grabbing at the band members' clothing and overwhelming the small team of security guards.

"Things were falling off the stage, girls were falling off the stage, girls started fighting," said Theresa Curtis, who was working at a store near the stage.

Some of the girls grabbed one of the boys in the band, said Tamy Johnson, another store employee. "He ran to the back. Another boy, he just ran. Security escorted some of the boys out the back," she said.

Link (http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/11/13/ap/entertainment/mainD8DRAJBOD.shtml)

Quote
(AP) Police shut down a suburban shopping mall for several hours Saturday after screaming fans of the boy band B5 rushed the stage during a free concert.

Five people suffered minor injuries, police said.

More than 2,000 fans, mostly teenage girls, had converged on Brookdale Center mall for the show, sponsored by the local Radio Disney station, KDIZ-AM. The band had only made it to the second song when the chaos broke out and girls began rushing the stage.

"It just seemed like a girl frenzy," said Christopher Taykalo of Radio Disney. "A lot of young teenage girls who were trying to get close to their artists that they are huge fans of."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on November 13, 2005, 06:45:46 am
Boys are such pussies these days.
Where the hell were all these screaming, hormone ridden, oversexed teenage girls when I was a teenager?  I'd have welcomed one of them giving me the time of day, much less attacking me.
Fucking N'Suck and the rest of the boy band bastards. :angry:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Julian on November 13, 2005, 08:31:06 pm
Waitaminute!  I want a battlefield robot!

Well, sure, who doesn't?  But do you want the DoD to have them?  Live soldiers may or may not fire on civilians, but robots will without conscience.

Julian
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Julian on November 13, 2005, 08:33:20 pm
Boys are such pussies these days.
Where the hell were all these screaming, hormone ridden, oversexed teenage girls when I was a teenager?  I'd have welcomed one of them giving me the time of day, much less attacking me.
Fucking N'Suck and the rest of the boy band bastards. :angry:

I don't know about you, but I sure couldn't have handled a gang of girls.  One is hard enough to live with, if you ask me.  I just can't imagine two...

/me shudders

Julian
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Julian on November 13, 2005, 08:34:27 pm
Oh, and for the record... this is post whoring...

Julian
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on November 16, 2005, 02:18:37 pm
I found this pretty funny:  http://www.illuminati.org/
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on November 16, 2005, 04:48:08 pm
Nevermind
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: debra on November 17, 2005, 04:42:42 pm
Seven Trampled in Annual 'Running of the Congressmen' (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29669)

excerpt

After running the length of the course through the city, D.C. fire-department personnel hosed down the unruly legislators with water pumped from the Potomac while trained handlers struggled to maneuver them into a holding pen where they could be safely sedated before being returned to their wives and families.

According to Robert Hannah of the D.C. Metro Zoo, despite their often feeble, aged appearance, federal legislators can be extremely dangerous.

"We tend to think of Congressmen as dull, ponderous, slow-witted beasts, and much of the time they are," Hannah said. "But you must remember: These are very, very powerful men. And if threatened, they will be sure to remind you of that fact."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on November 17, 2005, 08:39:59 pm
You know you're from New Hampshire when...

 1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
2. "Vacation" means going to the White Mountains/Lake Winnipesaukee/Hampton Beach/Laconia Bike Week for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit moose more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night but decide to hold it because there's a bear between you and the outhouse.
10. You think of the major food groups as venison, beer, fish, and berries.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are 4 empty cars running in the parking lot at the convenience store at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You think sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know what a bubbler is.
17. You can identify someone from Massachusetts by their driving.
18. You take a wrong turn and your radio starts speaking French.
19. You think the Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom is exotic.
20. You go to the same store to buy fireworks, shotgun shells, maple syrup, and atv parts.
21. You know what they sell at the packie.
22. You store your motorcycle helmet where everybody else stores theirs -- the state line.
23. "Tax" is a four letter word.
24. You keep an ice scraper, a can of de-cer and a pair of gloves in your car...year round.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on November 17, 2005, 09:21:06 pm

16. You know what a bubbler is.


Heh. Reminds of the initial culture shock when I went to school in Wisconsin. Yeah, they call it a "bubbler" there too. Nobody knew what the hell I was asking for when I enquired where I could find a drinking fountain.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on November 17, 2005, 11:45:01 pm
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.

I see that in PA,  too.

Quote
10. You think of the major food groups as venison, beer, fish, and berries.

They ain't?  Caffiene and nicotine oughta be in there someplace,  though,  and others would no doubt insist on chocolate as well.

Quote
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

Well,  yeah!

Quote
17. You can identify someone from Massachusetts by their driving.

Damn straight!  They don't call them "massholes" for nuthin'...

Quote
21. You know what they sell at the packie.

What do they sell there?  (Wild guess,  something like what a "state store" would be here?)

Quote
23. "Tax" is a four letter word.

If it ain't a swear work it damn sure oughta be!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jon on November 18, 2005, 07:24:39 am
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
 
Gutsy radish in intensive care
12:27 AM November 18

A giant white radish, which has won the hearts of a Japanese town by valiantly growing through the urban asphalt, is in intensive care at a town hall after being slashed by an unknown assailant.

The "daikon" radish is shaped like a giant carrot.

It first made the news months ago when it was noticed poking up through asphalt along a roadside in the town of Aioi, population 33,289.

This week local residents, who had nicknamed the vegetable "Gutsy Radish", were shocked - and in some cases moved to tears - when they found it had been decapitated.

TV talk shows seized on the attempted murder of the popular vegetable and a day later, the top half of the radish was found near the site where it had been growing.

A town official says the top of the severed radish had been placed in water to try to keep it alive and possibly get it to flower.

Asked why the radish - more often found on Japanese dinner tables as a garnish, pickle or in "oden" stew - had so many fans, town spokesman Jiro Matsuo said: "People discouraged by tough times were cheered by its tenacity and strong will to live."

Source: Reuters

http://www.optusnet.com.au/news/story/abc/20051118/09/international/1509460.inp

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Police have apprehended a parsnip and confiscated a Samurai sword. As this report goes to press the parsnip is assisting police with their inquiries. They are working on a theory of jealousy as the motive.
If found guilty, the parsnip can expect to be incaceroled in a corrective facility reserved for criminally insane soup vegetables. Amid simmering resentment, attempts to keep the lid on this sordid affair have failed. At a press-gathering a spokesman has condemned this recipe for disaster. Turning up the heat he indicates that the radish's family are in a stew over this, insisting on closure. They are calling for the culprit to vegetate in detention or be processed through the system at the next sitting.

Friends of the parsnip are stirring the pot. Their appeel threatens to disturb the peas.

The case is preseeding.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on November 18, 2005, 04:28:46 pm
Quote
Quote
21. You know what they sell at the packie.


What do they sell there?  (Wild guess,  something like what a "state store" would be here?)
It's a liquor store.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on November 20, 2005, 08:49:04 pm
Evil Pancake is Coming! (http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/7964/203/1600/EvilpancakeIsComing1.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on November 22, 2005, 08:54:45 am
An elderly man is reading the in-flight magazine, when he comes across an article claiming that every cigarette you smoke reduces your life by seven minutes. He has never smoked in his life, but he's in the row just in front of the smoking section (old joke), so he figures actually smoking one can't be that much worse. He bums a cigarette from the guy behind him. Just after putting it out, he falls over dead in his seat. Seven minutes later, the plane crashes, killing all aboard.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on November 24, 2005, 10:26:14 pm
Trailer (http://www.dubyamovie.com/) for the movie Dubya, starring Don Knotts as Dubya (requires Quicktime - blechh).
Title: Which Sci-Fi crew do you belong with?
Post by: rockchucker on November 25, 2005, 03:28:11 pm
Well, according to this test (http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=102272), I belong with Serenity. I dunno. The ship has no armament.

Besides which, the test completely ignored Lexx (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0178149/). Granted, I'd have to kill Stanley. :laugh:
Title: Re: Which Sci-Fi crew do you belong with?
Post by: motherbatherick on November 26, 2005, 04:07:59 am
Well, according to this test (http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=102272), I belong with Serenity. I dunno. The ship has no armament.

Besides which, the test completely ignored Lexx (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0178149/). Granted, I'd have to kill Stanley. :laugh:
Yeah, I got Serenity too.
Huh.
I always figured myself as more of a Millenium Falcon kinda guy.
And the really wierd thing is, I had to do a tiebreaker question.
Huh.
Oh well.
So much for my philisophical purity posturing. :laugh:
If anyone needs me, I'll be in my bunk.
Mentally masturbating. <insert rimshot>
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on November 26, 2005, 04:15:12 pm
Has anyone seen the Trunk Monkey (http://www.trunkmonkey.com/) movies?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: lewlew on December 01, 2005, 01:01:30 am
Hey-- I learned a new twist on an old Yule favorite this afternoon from one of Tee's wrestling buddies.  It's new to me, so don't give me any crap if it is really, really old and I had a sad,deprived childhood  :laugh:.

(Sung to the Jingle Bells Tune)
Dashing through the snow,
on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills I go,
crashing into trees

Something, something, something
I'm bleeding from the head
Something, something, something
Something, something, something

Launch into Jingle Bells, Batman smells (and yes, I knew that one from when I was a kid  :laugh:)

*** I need to get a life***
Title: Re: Which Sci-Fi crew do you belong with?
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on December 01, 2005, 01:10:31 am
Well, according to this test (http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=102272), I belong with Serenity. I dunno. The ship has no armament.

Besides which, the test completely ignored Lexx (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0178149/). Granted, I'd have to kill Stanley. :laugh:
Yeah, I got Serenity too.
Huh.
I always figured myself as more of a Millenium Falcon kinda guy.
And the really wierd thing is, I had to do a tiebreaker question.
Huh.
Oh well.
So much for my philisophical purity posturing. :laugh:
If anyone needs me, I'll be in my bunk.
Mentally masturbating. <insert rimshot>

Unlike some of these where I had to,  this one I didn't:

You scored as Serenity (from Firefly).     

You like to live your own way and do not enjoy when anyone but a friend tries to tell you that you should do different. Now if only the Reavers would quit trying to skin you.

Coming on December 1, 2005:
Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? The Sequel

Serenity (from Firefly)                   88%
Moya (from Farscape)                       69%
SG-1 (from Stargate)                         63%
Millennium Falcon (from Star Wars)    63%
Nebuchadnezzar (from The Matrix)      44%
Enterprise D (from Star Trek)             31%
Bebop (from Cowboy Bebop)          31%
Galactica (from Battlestar: Galactica)    19%

Never heard of some of these...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Julian on December 03, 2005, 12:23:49 am
You scored as Moya (from Farscape).     

You are surrounded by muppets. But that is okay because they are your friends and have shown many times that they can be trusted. Now if only you could stop being bothered about wormholes.

Coming on December 1, 2005:
Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? The Sequel

Moya (from Farscape)   100%
SG-1 (from Stargate)   88%
Serenity (from Firefly)   88%
Bebop (from Cowboy Bebop)   81%
Millennium Falcon (from Star Wars)75%
Nebuchadnezzar (from The Matrix)75%
Galactica (from Battlestar: Galactica)   63%
Enterprise D (from Star Trek)   50%

I knew this was my favorite SciFi show for some reason... my SO calls it a "Space Soap Opera"  :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: velojym on December 03, 2005, 12:41:25 am
Quote
You scored as Serenity (from Firefly).     



You like to live your own way and do not enjoy when anyone but a friend tries to tell you that you should do different. Now if only the Reavers would quit trying to skin you.

Coming on December 1, 2005:
Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? The Sequel

Serenity (from Firefly)
   
   100%

Millennium Falcon (from Star Wars)
   
   81%

Moya (from Farscape)
   
   75%

Bebop (from Cowboy Bebop)
   
   63%

SG-1 (from Stargate)
   
   56%

Nebuchadnezzar (from The Matrix)
   
   56%

Galactica (from Battlestar: Galactica)
   
   50%

Enterprise D (from Star Trek)
   
   44%

I'll be taking orders for periwinkle, soon as I get that new condenser...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on December 03, 2005, 02:48:37 am
Hmmmmm, from the Claire going silent thread in Hardyville (and I didn't want to reply there, as it was not the Ayn Rand thread
rand...
But how does she feel about trains?
Ayn Rand. Trains. Tunnels. Trains going into tunnels. Ayn Rand. I think Tin Man has found a new link there...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on December 03, 2005, 10:04:12 am
Ayn Rand. Trains. Tunnels. Trains going into tunnels.
The wrong kind of train going into the wrong type of tunnel, killing everyone on board.... :huh:
Armchair psychology can be disturbing, sometimes.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on December 04, 2005, 11:55:50 am
For those that want to create your own super-hero....

http://www.ugo.com/channels/comics/heroMachine2/heromachine2.asp
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on December 04, 2005, 07:24:42 pm
Quote
How can I not click on something called "buttrocket?"

Dave Barry's Blog (http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/2005/11/it_is_a_miracle.html) has the link.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on December 04, 2005, 07:53:15 pm
JFK's assasination:  What really happened. (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/42834)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on December 06, 2005, 10:12:14 am
Warning!  Look away if you a weak stomach!

(http://img297.imageshack.us/img297/8380/d8aace0f060381aa048f4ffb023659.gif)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on December 06, 2005, 10:22:01 am
Oh man, that's awful. :mellow:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: velojym on December 06, 2005, 02:14:26 pm
Warning!  Look away if you a weak stomach!

http://img297.imageshack.us/img297/8380/d8aace0f060381aa048f4ffb023659.gif

Microsoft kills.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: henshawe on December 06, 2005, 02:28:36 pm
 :sign10: spit coffee all over my key board, got tears in my eyes too, God Damn, that's the funniest little vid I have ever seen, certainly puts our plight in perspective doesn't it, so true, so true!

Americus
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on December 06, 2005, 04:33:26 pm
Gullibility factor quiz

http://www.newstarget.com/gullibility.html
 (ftp://http://www.newstarget.com/gullibility.html)
Find out if you're a sheeple or have been paying attention in these discussions!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: canaan on December 07, 2005, 04:40:19 pm
I think I uncovered the REAL reason that CLAIRE is 'going dark' near the end of this month.....

 :icon_santa:     :icon_santa:


Claire is actually Satin Claus. Due to a rather unfortunate typo, ALL these years kids have been looking for some obese man in a red suit and black boots doing a second story number on their homes and leaving gifts.

When in reality, it's Satin Claus, a sexy vixen (yes, vixen) in red tights, and thigh high black boots slipping in the window and doing a domination number on all us naughty kids !  And at the risk of 'tugging on Superman's cape' I must OUT Satin Clause as being Claire Wolfe !....

time to howl


I've been bad Satin, really I have.

I'll leave the window unlocked.

Got some spiked egg nog,   "Come on down !"

Ho Ho Ho  (said in very evil tones)



Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on December 09, 2005, 01:29:42 pm
Just in time for the holidays..........

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/burgerking.html
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on December 09, 2005, 08:08:48 pm
>
> > > Subject: CHRISTMAS PARTY
> > > December 1st
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > >
> > > I'm happy to inform you that the company
> > > Christmas Party will take place on December
> > > 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.  There will
> > > be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band
> > > playing traditional carols ...  feel free to sing
> > > along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows
> > > up dressed as Santa Claus to light the
> > > Christmas tree!  Exchange of gifts among employees
> > > can be done at that time; however, no gift should
> > > be over $10.
> > > Merry Christmas to you and your family.
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Resources Director
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > --
> > >
> > > December 2nd
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
> > > our Jewish employees.  We recognize that Hanukkah is
> > > an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas
> > > (though unfortunately not this year).  However, from now
> > > on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
> > > policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa
> > > at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
> > > Christmas carols sung.
> > > Happy Holidays to you and your family.
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Resources Director
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 3rd
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > Regarding the anonymous note I received from a
> > > member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
> > > non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
> > > request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign
> > > on the table that reads, "AA Only," you
> > > won't be anonymous anymore.  In addition,
> > > forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be
> > > allowed since the union members feel that
> > > $10 is too much money.
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Researchers Director
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 7th
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
> > > from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the
> > > restrooms.  Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians
> > > do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their
> > > table.  Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the
> > > gay men's table.
> > > Happy now?
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Racehorses Director
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 9th
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting
> > > our CEO to play Santa Claus!  Even if the anagram of
> > > "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil
> > > connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Ratraces
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 10th
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!!  We're going to
> > > hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it
> > > or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from
> > > the "grill of death," as you put it, and
> > > you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes.
> > > But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They
> > > scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.
> > > I'm hearing them right now...  Ha!
> > > I hope you all have a rotten holiday!  Drive drunk and die,
> > > you hear me?
> > > The Bitch from Hell
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 14th
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
> > > recovery from her stress-related illness.  I'll continue to forward
> > > your cards to her at the sanitarium.  In the meantime, management
> > > has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
> > > afternoon
> > > of the 23rd off with full pay.
> > > Terri Bishop
> > > Acting Human Resources Director
> > >
> > >
> >
>
>
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: dervish on December 12, 2005, 06:28:36 am
Night Before Christmas:

http://www.armedfemalesofamerica.com/afanews/night_before.htm


Familiar with Calvin and Hobbes?

http://www.pinkpistols.org/jester/spiff.html


Person disappointed after reading gun banner lit and not being able to find the guns at gun shows that were described:

http://www.pinkpistols.org/jester/vpc_missiles.html
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on December 12, 2005, 11:42:39 am
I think I uncovered the REAL reason that CLAIRE is 'going dark' near the end of this month.....

 :icon_santa:     :icon_santa:


Claire is actually Satin Claus. Due to a rather unfortunate typo, ALL these years kids have been looking for some obese man in a red suit and black boots doing a second story number on their homes and leaving gifts.

When in reality, it's Satin Claus, a sexy vixen (yes, vixen) in red tights, and thigh high black boots slipping in the window and doing a domination number on all us naughty kids !  And at the risk of 'tugging on Superman's cape' I must OUT Satin Clause as being Claire Wolfe !....

time to howl


I've been bad Satin, really I have.

I'll leave the window unlocked.

Got some spiked egg nog,   "Come on down !"

Ho Ho Ho  (said in very evil tones)





Really?  Hrm....is there still time to get some naughty in to ensure a visit from Satin Claus, then?
Title: Man-sized stuffed penguin stops train
Post by: rockchucker on December 20, 2005, 10:55:38 pm
Was the Neuwied penguin incident a Microsoft conspiracy? (http://www.newsforge.com/articles/05/12/13/211256.shtml?tid=149)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on December 22, 2005, 10:57:46 pm
(To "Home on the Range")

Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
Where the three-body problem is solved,
Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
And the cold virus never evolved.

CHORUS:
Home, home on LaGrange,
Where the space debris always collects,
We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
Solar power and zero-gee sex.

We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
And a kilogram weighs half a pound.

(chorus)

If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
If we just find a big enough wrench.

(chorus)

I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
And living up here is a bore.
Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
'Cause I'm moving next week to L4!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on December 28, 2005, 06:37:26 am
BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD

Crawford, Texas -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal
library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential
bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both of his books have been
lost.

A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had
almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on December 29, 2005, 01:18:33 pm
Seen this before but humorous:

U.S. Marine Corps Rules:

      1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
      2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
      3. Have a plan.
      4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
      5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
      6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
      7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
      8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
      9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
      10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
      11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
      12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
      13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEALS Rules:

      1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
      2. Kill every living thing within view.
      3. Adjust speedo.
      4. Check hair in mirror.

U.S. Army Rangers Rules:

      1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
      2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
      3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
      4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
      5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

U.S. Army Rules:

      1. Select a new beret to wear.
      2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
      3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

US Air Force Rules:

      1. Have a cocktail.
      2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
      3. See what's on HBO.
      4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
      5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
      6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
      7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
      8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
      9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:

      1. Go to Sea.
      2. Drink Coffee.
      3. Watch porn.
      4. Deploy the Marines.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on December 29, 2005, 01:47:47 pm
Quote
US Navy Rules:

      1. Go to Sea.
      2. Drink Coffee.
      3. Watch porn.
      4. Deploy the Marines.
  :thebirdman:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on December 29, 2005, 02:19:47 pm
They don't all go to sea, you know.

Everything else is about right.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on December 29, 2005, 03:00:05 pm
Quote
US Navy Rules:

      1. Go to Sea.
      2. Drink Coffee.
      3. Watch porn.
      4. Deploy the Marines.
  :thebirdman:

What's the finger for?  That sounds like a fun way to serve your country.
(http://img506.imageshack.us/img506/275/wank2dh.gif)
(http://img530.imageshack.us/img530/4210/usaflag3se.gif)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on December 29, 2005, 09:04:44 pm
Quote
What's the finger for?
Oh, yeah, it just does that sometimes when Marines are near.  Old reflex.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on December 29, 2005, 09:08:15 pm
Watch it, Popeye.


Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on December 29, 2005, 09:11:15 pm
Quote
What's the finger for?
Oh, yeah, it just does that sometimes when Marines are near.  Old reflex.

So a squid and a jarhead are both taking a leak and finish up at the same time. The jarhead zips up and goes over to the sink, and the squid zips up and heads for the door.

The jarhead says to the squid, "In the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after taking a leak."

The squid says to the jarhead, "In the Navy, they teach us not to piss on our hands".
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on December 29, 2005, 09:12:49 pm
So a squid and a jarhead are both taking a leak and finish up at the same time. The jarhead zips up and goes over to the sink, and the squid zips up and heads for the door.

The jarhead says to the squid, "In the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after taking a leak."

The squid says to the jarhead, "In the Navy, they teach us not to piss on our hands".

I heard that one with three accountants from three different major accounting firms. Works well either way.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on January 03, 2006, 02:22:02 pm
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories.

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

   Titanic:    $29.99

   Clinton:    $29.99


   Titanic:    Over 3 hours to read

   Clinton:    Over 3 hours to read


   Titanic:  The story of Jack & Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

   Clinton:  The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.


   Titanic:    Jack is a starving artist.

   Clinton:    Bill is a bullshit artist.


   Titanic:    In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

   Clinton:    Ditto for Bill.


   Titanic:    During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

   Clinton:    Ditto for Monica.


   Titanic:    Jack teaches Rose to spit.

   Clinton:    Let's not go there.


   Titanic:    Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

   Clinton:    Monica's forced to return her gifts.


   Titanic:    Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

   Clinton:    Clinton doesn't remember Jack.......


   Titanic:    Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

   Clinton:    Monica.....ooh, let's not go there, either.


   Titanic:    Jack surrenders to an icy death.

   Clinton:    Bill goes home to Hilary......basically the same thing.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: lewlew on January 05, 2006, 10:30:39 pm
Fun things to do at WalMart
 
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And last, but not least!)

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on January 05, 2006, 10:37:47 pm
Quote
When a clerk asks if they can help you
That never happens at Wal Mart.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: lewlew on January 05, 2006, 10:40:23 pm
PSM said: 
Quote
"When a clerk asks if they can help you"
That never happens at Wal Mart.
  Yup, but it is still a funny thought.  Save that suggestion for a shoe store, I guess  :laugh:. 
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on January 06, 2006, 02:50:14 pm
Quote
When a clerk asks if they can help you
That never happens at Wal Mart.

Actually, it does, but only if they know you and are doing it to annoy you.  :)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on January 06, 2006, 03:52:29 pm
Or think you're shoplifting. :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on January 07, 2006, 08:53:18 am
----- With the winter season upon us, thought this driving tip might come in handy!!! Happy New Year !!
---- Very important invention.

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit!"

Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:  "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on January 09, 2006, 02:40:05 pm
NO SEX TONIGHT!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to

hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my
puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not
what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit.

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited She must have
thought I was one wave s hort of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop
when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual
satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to
the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had
this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just
love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on January 09, 2006, 03:39:23 pm
Or ever again.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on January 09, 2006, 03:46:13 pm
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

ROTFL :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on January 09, 2006, 05:59:31 pm
You know what a Spoonerism is?  That's when you switch the first letters of the words in a sentence, like saying "the fit hits the shan."
One day during a book discussion, my freshman year English teacher committed the worst Spoonerism I've ever heard.  The subject was a female antagonist in whatever book it was we were reading at the time and she was just a horrible, rotten character.  "...she would fight and buck you every step of the way! was what he had intended to say.
It came out sounding just a bit differently than that.  I don't recall exactly what he promised us to buy our silence.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on January 09, 2006, 10:08:39 pm
You know what a Spoonerism is?

An usher in church: Mardon me padam, this pie is occupewed. May I sew you to another sheet?

I used to have a bunch of these I could recall.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 11, 2006, 04:30:41 pm
Two drums and a cymbal fall out the window...

Ba-doom, Pssh!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: dervish on January 11, 2006, 06:33:12 pm
Here are some Russian jokes I picked up, though these are all from memory (some of them years old--I wish I could remember more of them):


**********************************************

Told to me by an immigrant:


Jimmy Carter was visiting Brezhnev in Moscow and was being shown the sites. "This is wonderful!" said Carter, "But all the drunks! There are so many drunks! You really have a problem with alcohol in this city."

"There are drunks in the U.S., too," said Brezhnev peevishly.

"Yea, but not like this," replied Carter.

"Well," said Brezhnev, "Then you wouldn't mind that when I next visit you in your city if I shoot any drunks I find."

"Sure, whatever," replied Carter.

Sure enough, Brezhnev finds himself visiting Carter in Washington DC. After meetings, Brezhnev tells his driver to drive around the city looking for drunks. Sure enough, they find a man stumbling along the streets nearly falling over. Brezhnev orders one of his servicemen to shoot him, which is done, and they drive on. They come across another drunk hanging from a lampost, and he is shot, too. Another drunk lying in an alley is also shot. And so the night goes until Brezhnev gets bored and returns to his suite.

The next morning, Brezhnev spits coffee out as he reads the headlines:


MASSACRE AT SOVIET EMBASSSY! RUSSIAN DIPLOMATS FOUND EXECUTED THROUGHOUT CITY!
**********************************************************************


Brezhnev took his mother to his office and the momentos around the building. His mom made appropiately awed noises. Then Brezhnev too her to the Bolshoi Ballet. She was very impressed. Then, Brezhnev took her to his dacha and showed off his beautiful grounds.

"Oooooo," said his mom, "But what will you do if the Communists come back?"
*******************************************************************

This is about the "New Russians":


A New Russian was getting out of his Rolls Royce when a truck zoomed past ripping off his car door. A cop stopped to help. "Officer," the New Russian wailed, "Did you see what he did to my beemer???"

"You new Russians make me sick," spat the cop. "You're so concerned with your material wealth that you didn't even notice the truck also ripped off your arm!"

The Russian looks and sure enough his arm is missing. "AAAAAAAAAA!" shrieked the Russian, "My rolex!!!"

***************************************



This is an American one that the Russian Americans I told this to loved (amazingly, they hadn't heard it before, or were very nice in pretending not to):

The CIA, the FBI and the Los Angeles Police Department each claim they
are the best at catching criminals.

The President sets up a contest between them: in three separate forests,
rabbits are launched and whoever comes back first with a rabbit wins.

The CIA spent two months interrogating animal informants with
polygraphs and checking out plant and mineral witnesses. The CIA
concludes rabbits do not exist.

The FBI spent two weeks besieging its forest, then sets it ablaze, killing
all animals. The FBI refuses to apologize, stating that "the rabbit had it
coming".

The LAPD spent two hours in its forest and comes back with a badly
beaten bear. The bear says "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".

***********************************************************

And yes, I know these aren't as funny as the last two (the one on drivers and the "no sex tonight" one).  ^_^
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: jack on January 11, 2006, 11:32:46 pm
From the Stalin era:

Stalin is making a speech to a large gathering of party apparatchiks when, suddenly, somebody sneezes... dead silence in the hall. Stalin asks in menacing tone: "Who sneezed?" Silence. "Execute the first row." Sure enough, they take the unlucky bunch from the first row out of the hall and after a minute or so a few bursts of machine gun fire is heard. "Who sneezed?" Stlin asks in even more menacing tone. Silence again - second row goes out... Stalin asks third time and some poor shmuck, all trembling an white like a ghost whispers: "I did, Tovarishch Stalin..." Now there is a reals silence... everybody keeps wondering what terrible fate awaits the offender...

Stalin smiles and says: "Gesundheit!"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on January 12, 2006, 10:42:44 am
From the Stalin era:

Stalin is making a speech to a large gathering of party apparatchiks when, suddenly, somebody sneezes... dead silence in the hall. Stalin asks in menacing tone: "Who sneezed?" Silence. "Execute the first row." Sure enough, they take the unlucky bunch from the first row out of the hall and after a minute or so a few bursts of machine gun fire is heard. "Who sneezed?" Stlin asks in even more menacing tone. Silence again - second row goes out... Stalin asks third time and some poor shmuck, all trembling an white like a ghost whispers: "I did, Tovarishch Stalin..." Now there is a reals silence... everybody keeps wondering what terrible fate awaits the offender...

Stalin smiles and says: "Gesundheit!"

Is it bad that I think the funniest part of that joke is the fact that Stalin spoke in German?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on January 12, 2006, 01:20:16 pm
www.nobeliefs.com/politics.htm (ftp://www.nobeliefs.com/politics.htm)
my favorite is the special olympics one
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on January 12, 2006, 01:21:53 pm
www.nobeliefs.com/politics.htm (ftp://www.nobeliefs.com/politics.htm)
my favorite is the special olympics one

 The page cannot be displayed
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 12, 2006, 01:26:09 pm
Try this... (http://www.nobeliefs.com/politics.htm)

There was an ftp:// on the other one for some reason.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on January 12, 2006, 03:34:04 pm
Thanks for fixing that Jac!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 12, 2006, 03:52:07 pm
That's what I'm here for. :mellow:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on January 12, 2006, 04:04:27 pm
That's what I'm here for. :mellow:

Really?  And here I thought your purpose here was to annoy Purple Kitty....
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: dervish on January 12, 2006, 04:07:00 pm
Some more Russian jokes:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 12, 2006, 04:13:44 pm
That's what I'm here for. :mellow:

Really?  And here I thought your purpose here was to annoy Purple Kitty....
I dunno if I'd call that a purpose really... it's more of a hobby.

We all need something to fill the free minutes, right?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on January 12, 2006, 09:02:34 pm
That's what I'm here for. :mellow:

Really?  And here I thought your purpose here was to annoy Purple Kitty....
I dunno if I'd call that a purpose really... it's more of a hobby.

We all need something to fill the free minutes, right?
ahem.... I heard that... and you don't think annoying me is a full-time job? or full-time hobby?

sheesh. all the thanks I get for being annoyable.

wait... why do we have somebody who's purpose is to annoy me? like I need to be annoyed? ok... something's not right....

 :brood:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on January 13, 2006, 09:41:39 am
That's what I'm here for. :mellow:

Really?  And here I thought your purpose here was to annoy Purple Kitty....
I dunno if I'd call that a purpose really... it's more of a hobby.

We all need something to fill the free minutes, right?
ahem.... I heard that... and you don't think annoying me is a full-time job? or full-time hobby?

sheesh. all the thanks I get for being annoyable.

wait... why do we have somebody who's purpose is to annoy me? like I need to be annoyed? ok... something's not right....

 :brood:

It's because we love you so much....or because we hate you and we're trying to run you off.  The memo was unclear on that aspect...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 13, 2006, 09:46:52 am
You're not supposed to tell her about the memo... that's where the "secret" part of secret society comes into play. I mean, you signed a contract in blood (actually, it was catsup; some people get faint at the sight of blood).

Loose lips sink ships, dood! :angry4:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on January 13, 2006, 11:08:34 am
Actually, the memo said that if only one person ever mentioned the memo and all else kept silent about it, it would be considered enough to plant a shadow of doubt and always keep her wondering, but a second person making mention of the memo, even a denial of it, would confirm it's existence and thus that second person would have to be shot twelve times with a spitwad delivered via a straw and would then have to walk around with said spitwads attatched to them until said spitwads fell off naturally, all the while being recorded via video camera for distribution via Google video.  It was in the fine print, like this:

a second person making mention of the memo, even a denial of it, would confirm it's existence and thus that second person would have to be shot twelve times with a spitwad delivered via a straw and would then have to walk around with said spitwads attatched to them until said spitwads fell off naturally, all the while being recorded via video camera for distribution via Google video.

Didn't you read that?  See, now, you're doomed.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 13, 2006, 07:40:03 pm
Okay, seriously, why would someone put that in there?!? I'm the agent in the field; I'm supposed to know this kind of critical information, and you go and put it in small print.

Throw me a frickin' bone. Honestly! :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on January 13, 2006, 08:39:30 pm
Okay, seriously, why would someone put that in there?!? I'm the agent in the field; I'm supposed to know this kind of critical information, and you go and put it in small print.

It says it on the bottom of the box, right after monosodium glutamate.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on January 14, 2006, 04:08:17 am
Chappelle Show season 3 preview (embedded 4.4 MB *.wmv vid)

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Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on January 14, 2006, 07:01:23 am
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Since heaven, for obvious reasons, is a centrally planned economy, St. Peter sheepishly informs him that they have a temporary housing shortage. He’ll have to bunk with three other guys for a while.

Of course his new roomies are thrilled. The first one comes up to him and says: "Mr. Einstein, it’s an honor to meet you. But I’d like to get to know you better. I have an IQ of 130". So Einstein says: "Great. After lunch, let’s bounce around some ideas on astrophysics I’ve been working on."

Then the second one comes up to him, and says: "Mr. Einstein, it’s an honor. I’d also like to get to know you. I have an IQ of 100." So Einstein says: "Fine. Let me put my grip away, and we’ll have a game of chess."

Then the third one walks up, and says: "Hi, Mr. Einstein. I’d also like to get to know you. But I’m afraid I’m not as smart as those other guys; I’ve only got an IQ of 70." Einstein says: "So where do you think interest rates are going?"
Title: ATF Should be a Convenience Store
Post by: rockchucker on January 14, 2006, 08:31:28 pm
I'm sure that someplace in here we've mentioned the t-shirts you can get from thoseshirts.com that say "ATF should be a convenience store, not a govt. agency". Well, John Lott has a photo of the convenience store (http://johnrlott.tripod.com/2006/01/no-place-but-texas.html).
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on January 16, 2006, 12:34:08 pm
Okay, seriously, why would someone put that in there?!? I'm the agent in the field; I'm supposed to know this kind of critical information, and you go and put it in small print.

Throw me a frickin' bone. Honestly! :rolleyes:

I didn't write the memo, I just signed it.  That "fine print" looked like just like a breaking line between the body of the memo and the signature lines.  Had to break out an electron microscope to read it.  Then again, I only knew to do that because of the big bold letters above it saying, and I quote:

"WARNING:  READ THE FINE PRINT."

Sorry you missed that.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 16, 2006, 12:56:31 pm
Was that really there, or are you just pulling my leg?!? Lemme get my copy...

Oh... well. Um. Boy, this is embarrasing. Y'know, they always say to read those things before you sign 'em, but I never thought...

Oh, geez... :ph34r:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on January 16, 2006, 01:07:11 pm
The more I think about it, now, though, the more disturbing that memo gets, because the more I think about it, the more I remember Purple Kitty being the one that handed out the memo to begin with...why didn't that strike me as suspicious at the time?  Hrm....
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 16, 2006, 01:48:17 pm
I thought that was odd... but then my Neverwinter Nights for Mac demo finished downloading and, well yeah, you know how it goes. :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on January 16, 2006, 02:21:09 pm
ahem.

you guys better quit talking. that's how people get killed, you know.

 :ph34r:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Scarmiglione' on January 16, 2006, 02:29:11 pm
No no no... Firefly life lesson number 13:   Heros get people killed.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on January 16, 2006, 04:28:57 pm
Yeah, besides, I'm safe.  Remember, the memo said one person could mention it, but only that one person.  Since I was the first to mention it, I'm safe.  Jac's the one that's in trouble.  :)

But it's all otay, cause we wub you, PK!  :)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on January 16, 2006, 04:57:30 pm
Don't know if this should be in silly stuff because I laughed my a-- off or in George's place because some may find it offensive.........

The Most Functional English Word EVER!
Well, it's shit... that's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit (and die).

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.

There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

Well, shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit; but if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head.......... Well, Shit Happens!!!

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on January 16, 2006, 05:45:57 pm
Yeah, besides, I'm safe.  Remember, the memo said one person could mention it, but only that one person.  Since I was the first to mention it, I'm safe.  Jac's the one that's in trouble.  :)
That's true, so you're in the clear. Not that I could do anything to you anyway. Jac, on the other hand, I should be seeing in Tucson... I forgot... does the fine print mention what the punishment for this is?
Quote
But it's all otay, cause we wub you, PK!  :)
Yeah, and you guys are wucky I wub you too.  :wub:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 16, 2006, 06:10:33 pm
Um... I can't go to Tucson. I just remembered I have... uh... a thing. Somewhere else. Not in Tucson. Not in Arizona, actually; it's... yeah, it's overseas. So. Right, so I won't be seeing you, PK. I mean, darn.

Damnit, S6! First the Twinkie thread, now this. I mean, were you spawned by a denizen of the underworld or something?!? :brood:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on January 16, 2006, 06:25:23 pm
Um... I can't go to Tucson. I just remembered I have... uh... a thing. Somewhere else. Not in Tucson. Not in Arizona, actually; it's... yeah, it's overseas. So. Right, so I won't be seeing you, PK. I mean, darn.
Jac, this is not funny. You better be there. I promise, no punishment for the memo thing. We'll let it slide. This time.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 16, 2006, 06:37:54 pm
C'mon... it's a little funny. ;)

Quote
We'll let it slide. This time.
Y'know, you're a little frightening. Not a lot, but enough that I'm glad you wub me, instead of hate me. :wub:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on January 16, 2006, 06:44:37 pm
Y'know, you're a little frightening. Not a lot, but enough that I'm glad you wub me, instead of hate me. :wub:
Frightening??!?! Oh, come on. I am not frightening! Trust me, I'm just talk and evil looks.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 16, 2006, 06:45:42 pm
Just drawn that way, huh?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jack Boone on January 16, 2006, 07:31:51 pm
C oloradohermit missed one.  The most famous last words usually on an aircraft flight recorder:  Oh Shit.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on January 16, 2006, 07:40:10 pm
Sorry for the gross oversight. My bad. :shakehead:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on January 17, 2006, 10:22:45 am
Yeah, besides, I'm safe.  Remember, the memo said one person could mention it, but only that one person.  Since I was the first to mention it, I'm safe.  Jac's the one that's in trouble.  :)
That's true, so you're in the clear. Not that I could do anything to you anyway. Jac, on the other hand, I should be seeing in Tucson... I forgot... does the fine print mention what the punishment for this is?

It does, but the fine print does state than any mention as to what the punishment specifically is by anyone at all ever, even the person who wrote the memo, before said punishment is inflicted on Jac, er, um...the person that violated the rest of the memo's fine print, yeah, that's what it said, would receive a punishment of having to listen to Ashley Simpson and Britney Spears actually sing a duet live while watching nsync "dance".  But you knew that and were trying to trick me.  I'm not as stupid as Jac looks...  :)

Quote
Quote
But it's all otay, cause we wub you, PK!  :)
Yeah, and you guys are wucky I wub you too.  :wub:

 :love4:

Um... I can't go to Tucson. I just remembered I have... uh... a thing. Somewhere else. Not in Tucson. Not in Arizona, actually; it's... yeah, it's overseas. So. Right, so I won't be seeing you, PK. I mean, darn.

Damnit, S6! First the Twinkie thread, now this. I mean, were you spawned by a denizen of the underworld or something?!? :brood:

You really need to check out that fine print, Jac.  You don't want to be hunted down by Oompa Loompa's and dragged back to the Pit of Despair to be tortured by albino Munchkins, do you?

There are rumors that my mother was kicked out of Hell for being too mean, but they are just rumors, I'm sure.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 17, 2006, 11:14:15 am
Yeah, besides, I'm safe.  Remember, the memo said one person could mention it, but only that one person.  Since I was the first to mention it, I'm safe.  Jac's the one that's in trouble.  :)
That's true, so you're in the clear. Not that I could do anything to you anyway. Jac, on the other hand, I should be seeing in Tucson... I forgot... does the fine print mention what the punishment for this is?

It does, but the fine print does state than any mention as to what the punishment specifically is by anyone at all ever, even the person who wrote the memo, before said punishment is inflicted on Jac, er, um...the person that violated the rest of the memo's fine print, yeah, that's what it said, would receive a punishment of having to listen to Ashley Simpson and Britney Spears actually sing a duet live while watching nsync "dance".
Ashley Simpson, Britney Spears and nsync?!? Ugh... is this punishment supposed to drive the punished to suicide? :ph34r: (Don't you know, though, that Asley Simpson doesn't sing live?)

Quote
But you knew that and were trying to trick me.  I'm not as stupid as Jac looks...  :)
Well, looks can be deceiving...

Um... I can't go to Tucson. I just remembered I have... uh... a thing. Somewhere else. Not in Tucson. Not in Arizona, actually; it's... yeah, it's overseas. So. Right, so I won't be seeing you, PK. I mean, darn.

Damnit, S6! First the Twinkie thread, now this. I mean, were you spawned by a denizen of the underworld or something?!? :brood:

Quote
You really need to check out that fine print, Jac.  You don't want to be hunted down by Oompa Loompa's and dragged back to the Pit of Despair to be tortured by albino Munchkins, do you?
Um... not really.

Although, I do have friend that's 6'6", and another who is a master with ginsu kitchen knives; I think that's close enough to a giant and swordsman that I'll be okay with the Pit Of Despair. And I hear Miracle Max is taking new patients, so...

Quote
There are rumors that my mother was kicked out of Hell for being too mean, but they are just rumors, I'm sure.
Um... yeah, I'm sure that's just a rumor.  :skeptical:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Julian on January 18, 2006, 03:52:25 am
(Don't you know, though, that Asley Simpson doesn't sing live?)

Normally, she doesn't, but she's going to make an exception in your case!   :ph34r:

Julian
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on January 18, 2006, 09:36:08 am
Yeah, besides, I'm safe.  Remember, the memo said one person could mention it, but only that one person.  Since I was the first to mention it, I'm safe.  Jac's the one that's in trouble.  :)
That's true, so you're in the clear. Not that I could do anything to you anyway. Jac, on the other hand, I should be seeing in Tucson... I forgot... does the fine print mention what the punishment for this is?

It does, but the fine print does state than any mention as to what the punishment specifically is by anyone at all ever, even the person who wrote the memo, before said punishment is inflicted on Jac, er, um...the person that violated the rest of the memo's fine print, yeah, that's what it said, would receive a punishment of having to listen to Ashley Simpson and Britney Spears actually sing a duet live while watching nsync "dance".
Ashley Simpson, Britney Spears and nsync?!? Ugh... is this punishment supposed to drive the punished to suicide? :ph34r: (Don't you know, though, that Asley Simpson doesn't sing live?)

I am.  Of course, I also know that she doesn't sing live because she can't sing, hence, part of the punishment.

Quote
Quote
But you knew that and were trying to trick me.  I'm not as stupid as Jac looks...  :)
Well, looks can be deceiving...

Emphasis on can.  :P

Quote
Um... I can't go to Tucson. I just remembered I have... uh... a thing. Somewhere else. Not in Tucson. Not in Arizona, actually; it's... yeah, it's overseas. So. Right, so I won't be seeing you, PK. I mean, darn.

Damnit, S6! First the Twinkie thread, now this. I mean, were you spawned by a denizen of the underworld or something?!? :brood:

Quote
You really need to check out that fine print, Jac.  You don't want to be hunted down by Oompa Loompa's and dragged back to the Pit of Despair to be tortured by albino Munchkins, do you?
Um... not really.

Although, I do have friend that's 6'6", and another who is a master with ginsu kitchen knives; I think that's close enough to a giant and swordsman that I'll be okay with the Pit Of Despair. And I hear Miracle Max is taking new patients, so...

Does the 6'6" friend have a gift for rhyme?  And is the ginsu master after a six fingered man who killed his father, now prepare to die?  If not, you may still be in trouble.

I kid, I kid...sometimes.  :)  But, y'know, Jac, I only pick on you because you're here...I think.  :)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 18, 2006, 10:06:22 am
Does the 6'6" friend have a gift for rhyme?
Some of the time.

Quote
And is the ginsu master after a six fingered man who killed his father, now prepare to die?  If not, you may still be in trouble.
Well... he once had his cat run over. Ever since, he's been squeezing rocks and asking everyone he meets if they have an '86 El Dorado. :dontknow:

Quote
I kid, I kid...sometimes.  :)  But, y'know, Jac, I only pick on you because you're here...I think.  :)
That's a comfort, I guess. :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on January 18, 2006, 10:12:18 am
It does, but the fine print does state than any mention as to what the punishment specifically is by anyone at all ever, even the person who wrote the memo, before said punishment is inflicted on Jac, er, um...the person that violated the rest of the memo's fine print, yeah, that's what it said, would receive a punishment of having to listen to Ashley Simpson and Britney Spears actually sing a duet live while watching nsync "dance".
Ashley Simpson, Britney Spears and nsync?!? Ugh... is this punishment supposed to drive the punished to suicide? :ph34r: (Don't you know, though, that Asley Simpson doesn't sing live?)
That's right. Ashley Simpson doesn't sing live because she has acid reflex.

Quote
Quote
You really need to check out that fine print, Jac.  You don't want to be hunted down by Oompa Loompa's and dragged back to the Pit of Despair to be tortured by albino Munchkins, do you?
Um... not really.

Although, I do have friend that's 6'6", and another who is a master with ginsu kitchen knives; I think that's close enough to a giant and swordsman that I'll be okay with the Pit Of Despair. And I hear Miracle Max is taking new patients, so...
But what about the ROUSes?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on January 18, 2006, 10:22:14 am
I don't think they exist.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 18, 2006, 10:42:19 am
Rodents Of Unusual Size? Shouldn't be a problem; unlike the Dread Pirate Westley, I have a .45. :icon_pirat:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: lewlew on January 19, 2006, 09:55:21 am
Deadhead Girl emailed this to me and I got a kick out of it. 

Quote
Rock, Paper, Scissors
I understand that scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat
scissors, but there's no way paper can beat rock.  Paper is supposed to
magically "wrap around" rock, rendering it immobile?  Why the hell can't
paper  do this to scissors?  Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to
people?  Why aren't sheets of notebook paper constantly suffocating students
as they attempt to take notes in class?  I'll tell you why - BECAUSE PAPER
CAN'T BEAT ANYBODY!  A rock would tear that sh*t up in 2 seconds.  When I
play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock.  Then when somebody claims
to have beaten me with their paper, I punch them in the face with my already
clenched fist and say, "oh sh*t, I'm sorry.  I thought that paper would
protect you."

Author unknown
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on January 19, 2006, 08:18:35 pm
Deadhead Girl emailed this to me and I got a kick out of it. 

Quote
Rock, Paper, Scissors
I understand that scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat
scissors, but there's no way paper can beat rock.  Paper is supposed to
magically "wrap around" rock, rendering it immobile?

But how would rock do against Particle Man? Triangle Man? Universe Man?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on January 20, 2006, 10:21:12 am
A preacher dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.  Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Peter the Pilot, retired Delta Airlines Pilot from Miami."

Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the preacher's turn.  He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the preacher, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the preacher.  "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood?  How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter, "while you preached, people slept.  While he flew, people prayed.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on January 20, 2006, 10:24:18 am
hehehehehehehe

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/cop-loses-car.html
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: lewlew on January 20, 2006, 07:41:29 pm
Rockchucker said: 
Quote
But how would rock do against Particle Man? Triangle Man? Universe Man?
 

Well, with Particle Man, it would be a close match, with that invisibility defense.  It's hard to sock someone who's beyond microscopic.  Triangle Man-- no problem.  He's obtuse.  Universe Man? I don't know, I hear his right hook is a Big Bang.

What about Person Man?  Could rock triumph over him?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on January 20, 2006, 09:23:26 pm

Well, with Particle Man, it would be a close match, with that invisibility defense.  It's hard to sock someone who's beyond microscopic.  Triangle Man-- no problem.  He's obtuse.  Universe Man? I don't know, I hear his right hook is a Big Bang.

What about Person Man?  Could rock triumph over him?

Well, since Triangle Man beats Person Man, I'm tempted to say that rock beats Person Man. But in the strange universe of rock, paper, scissors, you've got to close the loop. Was it Triangle Man who hit Person Man in the head with a frying pan? And was that before or after Person Man moved into the garbage can, and does the garbage can have a lid? These are important questions. Note also that Triangle Man beats Particle Man.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on January 20, 2006, 09:29:20 pm
Well, since Triangle Man beats Person Man, I'm tempted to say that rock beats Person Man. But in the strange universe of rock, paper, scissors, you've got to close the loop. Was it Triangle Man who hit Person Man in the head with a frying pan? And was that before or after Person Man moved into the garbage can, and does the garbage can have a lid? These are important questions. Note also that Triangle Man beats Particle Man.

I thought it was Col. Mustard in the lbrary with the candlestick.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: lewlew on January 21, 2006, 04:10:00 pm
Rockchucker said: 
Quote
Was it Triangle Man who hit Person Man in the head with a frying pan? And was that before or after Person Man moved into the garbage can, and does the garbage can have a lid?
  I don't believe it was Triangle Man that hit Person Man on the head-- it doesn't say.  Since the triumph of Triangle Man occurs later, after Person Man is already in the can, I'd say it probably wasn't him, since the frying pan incident predates the garbage can digs and seems to be the motivating factor to cause Person Man to move into the garbage can in the first place.

I think the garbage can does not have a lid, because Triangle Man has enough interaction with him to hate him.  Now, of course you could speculate that it does have a lid, because there is a question if Person Man is depressed or just a mess. If he's depressed, the desire and possible need for a lid is there. 

All we know is Universe Man is a powerful and  has a watch.  He doesn't fight, so it is possible that he could be overthrown, even by Particle Man or Rock, since it is left unanswered. 

Now, to close the loop...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on January 21, 2006, 10:31:23 pm
All we know is Universe Man is a powerful and  has a watch.  He doesn't fight ...

He might fight. We can be more or less certain that he hasn't fought with Triangle Man, Particle Man, or Person Man. But might there not be other men -- too numerous for one pop song? For example, if you fought Heisenberg Man, could you really be certain of winning? Of course, we'll never know for sure whether Heisenberg Man exists anyways.

I thought it was Col. Mustard in the lbrary with the candlestick.

Hey, we're having a serious discussion here! :laugh: But I can tell you this. If Triangle Man were to ketchup with Col. Mustard, he'd find himself in a pickle.

I think the garbage can has a lid.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on January 22, 2006, 09:19:32 am
Got this in an email this morning:
Quote
Just wanted to let you know the New Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing as you know it will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different.

For a demonstration, click on the link below:

Homeland Security Notice (http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on January 22, 2006, 09:27:46 am
This, too:

Quote
Dear  Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed  you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential  Election Fund," as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws).
One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A  Satisfied Taxpayer

 
Heh.   :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: dervish on January 22, 2006, 12:53:57 pm
Monica/Clinton jokes:

http://www.liveindia.com/clinton/

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on January 22, 2006, 04:34:11 pm
Al, Bill & Hillary go to Heaven (which makes this entire story a little suspect right from the get-go!)
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now" God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."   
 God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."  God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Hillary.   
"Hillary, what do you believe in?"
 
"I believe you're in my chair."
 
 

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: lewlew on January 24, 2006, 06:01:41 pm
Rockchucker said:
Quote
For example, if you fought Heisenberg Man, could you really be certain of winning? Of course, we'll never know for sure whether Heisenberg Man exists anyways.

Now if there was a Heisenberg Man, wouldn't the loop come round full circle, and we'd be back with Particle Man?  Although I guess there is some uncertainty to that priciple.    :laugh: 

Why do you think the garbage can has a lid? 

And imagine, all this started with a single rock. :rolleyes:

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on January 24, 2006, 08:29:10 pm

Now if there was a Heisenberg Man, wouldn't the loop come round full circle, and we'd be back with Particle Man?  Although I guess there is some uncertainty to that priciple.    :laugh: 

Why do you think the garbage can has a lid? 


You never know with Heisenberg man. That's the point.

If I were living in a garbage can, I'd want a lid to keep the rain out. And to keep from being hit in the head with a frying pan while I slept.

Quote
And imagine, all this started with a single rock. :rolleyes:

Well, of course. I mean, everybody wants a rock to wind a piece of string around. String must be like paper.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on January 26, 2006, 11:15:48 am
Quotes from Shadowrun games:  http://griffjon.com/sr2/sr2gb05.html

You don't even have to be a Shadowrunner to get most of them.  :)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on January 26, 2006, 04:13:01 pm
(http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/9744/cs9ga.th.gif) (http://img88.imageshack.us/my.php?image=cs9ga.gif)

(click image for larger)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on January 26, 2006, 04:39:20 pm
More in the same vein:
http://nearingzero.net/random.html
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on January 26, 2006, 05:23:21 pm
(http://nearingzero.net/screen_res/nz240.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on January 26, 2006, 05:38:44 pm
can't see anything in your post JDW
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on January 26, 2006, 06:22:45 pm
Tribute to Nice Guy Eddie (http://film.guardian.co.uk/news/story/0,,1695239,00.html)

---

Nice Guy Eddie: Let me say this out loud, 'cause I wanna get it straight in my head. You're saying that Mr. Blonde was gonna kill you, then when we got back, he was going kill us, take the satchel of diamonds, and scram. I'm right about that, right? That's correct? That's your story?

Mr. Orange: I swear on my mother's eternal soul that's what happened.

Nice Guy Eddie: The man you just killed was just released from prison. He got caught at a company warehouse full of hot items. He could've fuckin' walked. All he had to do was say my dad's name, but he didn't; he kept his fucking mouth shut. And did his fuckin' time, and he did it like a man. He did four years for us. So, Mr. Orange, you're tellin' me this very good friend of mine, who did four years for my father, who in four years never made a deal, no matter what they dangled in front of him, you're telling me that now, that now this man is free, and we're making good on our commitment to him, he's just gonna decide, out of the fucking blue, to rip us off? Why don't you tell me what really happened?

Joe: [walks in] What the hell for? It'd just be more bullshit.

Joe: This man set us up.

Nice Guy Eddie: Dad, I'm sorry, but I don't know what the hell's happening.

Joe: It's all right, Eddie. I do.

Mr. White: What the fuck are you talking about?

Joe: That lump of shit's working with the L.A.P.D.

Mr. Orange: Joe, I don't have the slightest fucking idea what you're talking about.

Mr. White: Joe, I don't know what you think you know, but you're wrong.

Joe: Like hell I am.

Mr. White: Joe, trust me on this. You've made a mistake. He's a good kid. I understand. You're hot, you're super fucking pissed. We're all real emotional. But you're barking up the wrong tree. I know this man. He wouldn't do that.

Joe: You don't know jack shit! I do! The cocksucker tipped off the cops and had Mr. Brown and Mr. Blue killed.

Mr. Pink: Mr. Blue is dead?

Joe: Dead as Dillinger.

Mr. White: How do you know all this?

Joe: He was the only one I wasn't 100% on. I should have my fuckin' head examined, going on a plan like this when I wasn't 100%.

Mr. White: [shouting] That's your proof?

Joe: You don't need proof when you have instinct.

---
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on January 27, 2006, 02:58:08 pm
sudden ... urge ... to ... educate!

http://www.youtube.com/w/PARA-PARA?v=27qHeOUISVo&search=hard%20trance

(flash vid - about 5MB I think)

 (http://img143.imagevenue.com/loc25/th_c39dd_Image1.jpg) (http://img143.imagevenue.com/img.php?loc=loc25&image=c39dd_Image1.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on January 27, 2006, 03:04:39 pm
sudden ... urge ... to ... educate!

http://www.youtube.com/w/PARA-PARA?v=27qHeOUISVo&search=hard%20trance

(flash vid - about 5MB I think)

 [url]http://img143.imagevenue.com/loc25/th_c39dd_Image1.jpg (http://img143.imagevenue.com/img.php?loc=loc25&image=c39dd_Image1.jpg)[/url]

I'm dumber from having watched that, and I even only watched half of it.  You owe me a new brain.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on January 27, 2006, 03:10:50 pm
Sorry. ^_^
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on January 31, 2006, 02:34:48 am
(http://img11.imagevenue.com/loc26/th_f2cea_e1b7d_SIGN.jpg)

No, I'm not Sergio, unfortunately. :wub:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on January 31, 2006, 06:03:08 pm
Man arrested for AWI (Aroused While Driving):

Excerpt(link (http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/01/31/D8FFUHC01.html)):

---

 A man who was stopped for driving erratically on a divided highway was distracted because he was looking at pornography, authorities said.

David ______, 33, of Nashville, was charged with felony reckless endangerment after motorist Deborah Dotson reported Friday afternoon that he nearly ran her vehicle off State Route 840 several times.

Rutherford County Deputy Tony Hall pulled over ______ based on Dotson's report.

"When I made contact with the driver of the suspect vehicle, a Mr. David ______, there were several pornographic magazines on the seat next to him," Hall said in his report.

---

I want a law!  More laws!  Field tests for aroused drivers!  Waiting periods, safe storage laws (for the children), mandatory jail time, state-mandated insurance premium increases for users, taxes on pornstars, porn mags, porn purveyors, porn consumers, porn pornographers - call it the 'smut' tax, psychological counseling for pets who accidently see porn and grants from the NSF to study the quantum-psycho-social-feminist-economic-political-historical implications of seeing someone nekkid!  I want airtime on O'Reilly, Nancy Grace and Oprah!  And I want it now!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on January 31, 2006, 06:15:43 pm
Oh yeah!  And a three-strokes-you're-out law!  Call or write your CongressCritters!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on January 31, 2006, 09:17:10 pm
I'm usually done after three strokes anyway...

A man and his wife had been married for many years, and their sex life had dwindled somewhat.  "Harry," complained the wife, "You still want to screw every night like a teenager, and I'm just not in the mood every single night anymore."
"All right, I'll tell you what.  When you come in to bed at night, give my [insert favorite slang term for penis] a little tug to signal whether you're feeling sexy or not.  Once for yes, one hundred times for no."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on February 01, 2006, 05:31:36 pm
Try this for fun the next time you are stoned and watching an action movie with your friends -- every time someone says shoot, kill, cap, etc., substitute the word fuck.

Examples:

Stop or I'll fuck!

Freeze, Richard, do you want to get fucked?

They had us in a pretty tight spot, but we fucked our way out of it.

Only a lowdown, dirty rat would fuck a man in the back.

Fuck at will!

Out there, it's fuck or be fucked.

There was intense fucking going on the alleyway behind Gritty McDuff's.

It's true I fucked him, but it was all an accident.

I'm sure it's very funny if you're baked.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on February 01, 2006, 06:09:53 pm
Try this for fun the next time you are stoned and watching an action movie with your friends -- every time someone says shoot, kill, cap, etc., substitute the word fuck.

Are you too young to remember early George Carlin? He did a whole routine on this.
Quote
Allright sheriff, we're going to fuck you now. But we're going to fuck you slow.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on February 01, 2006, 09:24:43 pm
He did?  Aw man, and I thought this was the brilliant idea of my cannabis-addled friend!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on February 01, 2006, 09:38:32 pm
Yep, part of the famous Seven Words You Can't Say on Television (http://www.lyricswiki.org/artist_g/george-carlin_lyrics/the-seven-words-you-can-never-say-on-tv_lyrics.html) bit.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on February 02, 2006, 02:27:14 pm
(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/limits.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on February 02, 2006, 02:54:26 pm
http://billstclair.com/blog/images/limits.jpg


HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on February 02, 2006, 04:41:07 pm
http://billstclair.com/blog/images/limits.jpg

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Ditto.

I just stole it. Uh, where's it from?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on February 02, 2006, 04:46:50 pm
How to post on message boards without any thought (http://www.wired.com/news/columns/0,70124-0.html?tw=rss.index)
Quote
While you're wasting time considering context and relevant factors, lesser minds are beating you to the Submit button. This simple guide to posting on message boards requires no more contemplation than is necessary to microwave popcorn.

[...]

Don't want to take a stand on a controversial issue, but are dying to contribute to the conversation anyway? Just share a single, vaguely pertinent fact. Context-free data is to an online discussion as raw meat is to a cage full of starving Rottweilers and indignant vegetarians. Say you're looking at an article about gun control. Just pop in and say, "Over 10,000 unarmed people are shot to death by criminals each year."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on February 02, 2006, 07:26:47 pm
I just stole it. Uh, where's it from?

My Wyoming High School buddy forwarded it to me. Don't know anything more about it.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on February 03, 2006, 10:45:42 am
Showed Bill's math joke to my dad last night and he loved it.  He laughed almost as hard as I did at it.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on February 04, 2006, 09:45:37 pm
Serenity,  as told by the muppets:

Part 1: http://www.deviantart.com/view/28564479/
Part 2: http://www.deviantart.com/view/28564511/
Part 3: http://www.deviantart.com/view/28564540/
Part 4: http://www.deviantart.com/view/28564563/
Part 5: http://www.deviantart.com/view/28564585/
Part 6: http://www.deviantart.com/view/28564601/
Part 7: http://www.deviantart.com/view/28564622/
Part 8: http://www.deviantart.com/view/28564640/
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on February 05, 2006, 12:18:41 pm
The oldest profession...

A man walks into a pub. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.

He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good looking, how's it going?

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it and if you got the money, honey I got the time.

So?" He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on February 05, 2006, 11:45:51 pm
(http://www.geocities.com/johndwitt2003/everyday2.JPG)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: canaan on February 07, 2006, 08:47:57 am
Is it just me, or does anyone else wonder about Claire's adventure?

With all due respect to her goal, her journey and her commitment, I believe she would still find humor in life.

Having spent a lovely evening with my wife MADMOON, it occurred to me the tremendous challenge Claire is facing.

Claire is a woman.... a remarkable woman, but a woman nonetheless. Women have certain needs, without them, they become.... shall we say grumpy....

Communication is the key... women LOVE to communicate...  at length.... to have that entire part of one's life simply shut off COLD TURKEY  (great movie about addiction of another sort) brings to mind images which are perverse and humorous. It brings many questions to mind as well...

Did she remember to ask where the bathroom was before the silence fell?

What will be her first words when the silence is lifted?  (wish I was a fly on the wall for that one)

Will there be 'a great wind from the west' when the flood gates are lifted and she tries to catch up for lost time?  (and will is cause a change in the Earth's rotation)

~ I open the floor to further comments while I hide under the bed from all the people (women) I may have annoyed with this post. :ph34r:

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on February 07, 2006, 09:13:19 am
Public Notice:

I am not now, and have never been, affiliated with Canaan in any way.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: canaan on February 07, 2006, 12:15:27 pm
well, I guess that  qualifies as a comment  :)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on February 07, 2006, 01:00:01 pm
Communication is the key... women LOVE to communicate...  at length.... to have that entire part of one's life simply shut off COLD TURKEY  (great movie about addiction of another sort) brings to mind images which are perverse and humorous.

Will there be 'a great wind from the west' when the flood gates are lifted and she tries to catch up for lost time?  (and will is cause a change in the Earth's rotation)

~ I open the floor to further comments while I hide under the bed from all the people (women) I may have annoyed with this post. :ph34r:


Very funny, but I think, as a woman annoyed with this post, that I will give you the silent treatment.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on February 08, 2006, 05:47:28 pm
 (http://img21.imagevenue.com/loc251/th_bf52d_kickbackmtn.jpg) (http://img21.imagevenue.com/img.php?loc=loc251&image=bf52d_kickbackmtn.jpg)

(click image for larger, political humor)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on February 08, 2006, 06:55:22 pm
Women have certain needs, without them, they become.... shall we say grumpy....

Hey, I have needs too. And boy am I grumpy!

(A certain line from Good Morning, Vietnam! comes to mind.)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on February 08, 2006, 08:19:50 pm
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at
the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit
the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the
men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good
looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking
and
help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help
with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on February 09, 2006, 02:12:52 am
:-D
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on February 09, 2006, 10:12:09 am
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: holy-shit! only for people who watch a fair amount of t.v.:

http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=332

(2:28 long vid)


God!  Elk, don't do that!  I started laughing so hard I couldn't breath.  I actually had a coworker ask me if I was OK.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on February 09, 2006, 05:03:35 pm
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: holy-shit! only for people who watch a fair amount of t.v.:

http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=332

(2:28 long vid)


Check out www.f lurl.com too (get rid of the space).  Probably not work safe but it tends to have everything.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on February 09, 2006, 08:16:00 pm
Click image for larger.

Caption title was "Hold On!" - from http://www.davesdaily.com/pictures/132-holdon.htm

 (http://img101.imagevenue.com/loc55/th_7af6e_132_holdon.jpg) (http://img101.imagevenue.com/img.php?loc=loc55&image=7af6e_132_holdon.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: velojym on February 09, 2006, 08:53:01 pm
http://www.newsandstar.co.uk/news/viewarticle.aspx?id=328277
Quote
In an interview before the TV programme, 38-year-old Veronika described her reaction when Bethany asked for breast milk for her ninth birthday. “I was delighted, if a little taken aback,' she said.

...just a couple shots in my tea, please Mum?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on February 11, 2006, 04:21:33 am
3.7 MB *.wmv embedded video - buying AK's on QVC (download option available)
(some sarcasm about gun ownership but still amusing - they should have at least had a prop guy throw down some empty shell casings when the AK is 'fired')

http://www.filecabi.net/video/ak47-qvc.html

 (http://img132.imagevenue.com/loc48/th_25840_Image1.jpg) (http://img132.imagevenue.com/img.php?loc=loc48&image=25840_Image1.jpg) (http://img22.imagevenue.com/loc286/th_9f966_Image2.jpg) (http://img22.imagevenue.com/img.php?loc=loc286&image=9f966_Image2.jpg)

click images for larger
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Carte Blanche on February 13, 2006, 11:33:25 am
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
 
The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
 
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
 
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
 
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rockchucker on February 13, 2006, 07:39:41 pm
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”

This little joke got carried a bit further in the movie Re-animators. Quite funny. (One of those movies that's so bad, it's good.)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: DTOM on February 14, 2006, 10:22:18 am
Truth or dare in Middle Earth (http://img360.imageshack.us/img360/1203/frodo3hq1eq.gif)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on February 14, 2006, 10:30:38 am
Truth or dare in Middle Earth (http://img360.imageshack.us/img360/1203/frodo3hq1eq.gif)

That's just wrong....
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: DTOM on February 14, 2006, 10:53:15 am
That's just wrong....


 :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on February 17, 2006, 05:30:30 pm
(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/findx.gif)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Carte Blanche on February 17, 2006, 05:32:40 pm
http://billstclair.com/blog/images/findx.gif

:laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on February 17, 2006, 05:33:52 pm
http://billstclair.com/blog/images/findx.gif

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

The answer, by the way, is x=5.

Where are you finding those, anyway?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on February 17, 2006, 05:46:26 pm
http://billstclair.com/blog/images/findx.gif
Heh... that question was answered by either a smartass, or a recent public high-school graduate.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on February 17, 2006, 06:27:32 pm
Where are you finding those, anyway?

This one was linked to from strike-the-root.com with a title of "Youramerica" and labelled as the "editor's pick".
Title: New Terrorist Group
Post by: Julian on February 21, 2006, 03:31:17 pm
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be
a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set-square, a slide rule, and a
calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He
is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.


Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and
refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides
to every triangle'."


When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes".
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on February 21, 2006, 03:33:04 pm
*groan*
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on February 21, 2006, 03:57:08 pm
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere.  Amid stunned silence, he walks out without a word.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun and another male buffalo. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" 

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position: Come in, drink
coffee, shoot bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on February 21, 2006, 06:49:40 pm
> "The Lie-Clock"
>
> A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
> St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of
> clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those
> clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
> Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie
> the hands on your clock will move."
>
> "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's
> Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
> indicating that she never told a lie."
>
> "Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that
> one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's
> clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe
> told only two lies in his entire life."
>
> "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
>
> "Bush's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a
> ceiling fan."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on February 22, 2006, 09:49:00 am
CH, I heard that same joke back when BillJeff was in office, but it was his clock and God was using it instead of Jesus.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Carte Blanche on February 22, 2006, 10:12:51 am
(http://www.russmo.com/ATT03396.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Julian on February 22, 2006, 02:39:11 pm
 :laugh: Pabst beer is definitely not fine!  :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on February 23, 2006, 11:10:11 am
Quote
i think i just coughed up a lung, very very!
You should'a stopped smoking sooner...
Title: Don't buy stuff you can not afford (Steve Martin/SNL video)
Post by: Julian on February 23, 2006, 02:33:55 pm
http://www.youtube.com/w/Don%27t-buy-stuff?v=Cb1szwtmuas&feature=Recent&page=1&t=t&f=b
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Carte Blanche on February 24, 2006, 10:55:18 am
PRICELESS!!!!  :laugh:

(http://www.russmo.com/Cop Driver.bmp)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on February 24, 2006, 11:00:10 am
 :laugh:

Teehee... What part of "road closed" didn't you understand?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on February 24, 2006, 11:22:07 am
Heh... "Citizen's arrest, citizen's arrest!"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: dervish on February 24, 2006, 08:45:45 pm
(http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c220/j9bassoon/s1.jpg)

Actually, this should NOT be silly, given that we have this and I think he was the one to push it through.... ya know, the whole "nation of laws, not men" thing.  But there it is....
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: DTOM on February 24, 2006, 09:50:47 pm
Must be a woman cop!   :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on February 24, 2006, 11:56:14 pm
Found on the LPPA list:

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick ".
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on February 27, 2006, 09:03:49 am
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.  A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.  A couple of minutes after that and another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?  You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on March 08, 2006, 01:45:56 pm
What do you get if the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives takes over Commerce, Elections, and Security?






BATFECES
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on March 08, 2006, 01:51:54 pm
What do you get if the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives takes over Commerce, Elections, and Security?






BATFECES

ROFLMAO!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on March 10, 2006, 02:25:45 pm
Officer's Joke Turns Painful... (http://www.mlive.com/search/index.ssf?/base/news-3/1141741300159300.xml?sanews?NESP&coll=9)

Quote
MOUNT PLEASANT -- Officer David VanDyke likely will never again hand a fellow policeman his revolver and utter the words "shoot me."

heh.  heheh.  hehehehahahahahahAHAHAHAHAAAAAA... (sniff...choke...)

Gawd, whatta couple of...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on March 13, 2006, 01:32:16 am
Warning:  By reading this you hereby affirm you are 18.  Thank you:

From Monty Python:

128 KB mp3 embedded media link - not work safe website: 
Code: [Select]
http://www.flurl.com/item/monty_python_u_92024
Isn't It Awfully Nice To Have A Penis - Monty Python

---

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick.
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick!
So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake.
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock.
Just don't take it out in public,
Or they will put you in the dock
...And you won't
come
back.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on March 17, 2006, 07:59:49 am
Gotta hand it to the guy.  At least he's honest! (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/computers-are-for-porn.html)

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on March 22, 2006, 03:38:10 pm
Dedicated to Thunder. Some coaching for future job interviews. ^_^

WAL-MART  APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year  old
senior citizen submitted to  Walmart in Arkansas  .

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME:  George Martin

SEX:  Not lately,  but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will  cooperate)
DESIRED  POSITION: Company's  President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be  applying here in the first
place ?

DESIRED  SALARY: $185,000 a  year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance
package. If that's not possible, make an offer  and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:

Yes.

LAST POSITION  HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS  SALARY: A lot less  than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE  ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30  p.m. Monday,  Tuesday, and Thursday.


DO  YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but  they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT  YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD  PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the  more appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR  RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the
Publishers Clearing House  Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  On the job - no!  On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE  YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas  with
a fabulously wealthy
dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the  greatest thing since sliced
bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.

NEAREST  RELATIVE ....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY  THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.

 

_________________________________________________________________
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on March 23, 2006, 10:16:41 am
Editorials from a Japanese School Teacher (http://www.outpostnine.com/editorials/teacher.html)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on March 24, 2006, 12:47:14 pm
South Park creators interview (http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/9519810/park_life?rnd=1143225463921&has-player=true&version=6.0.12.1040):

Excerpts:

Quote
One afternoon in February, Matt Stone got bored, turned on the TV and freaked out. Onscreen, thousands of Muslims were rioting over cartoons of Mohammed. "I was like, 'Oh, fuck, look what we did! We have to get on the phone to a lawyer!'" the co-creator of South Park remembers. As it turned out, the protests had nothing to do with the South Park episode in which the prophet Mohammed plays a superhero; they were about political cartoons in a Danish newspaper. Stone was disappointed. "I was like, 'Danish cartoons? That's our competition? The fucking Danish?'"

...

Quote
Like their show, the movies highlight both the pair's willingness to slaughter any and all sacred cows, and their seemingly libertarian politics, skewering both left and right. "People say, 'You rip on both sides and don't take a stand!' But that is our stance!" says Parker.

Full Episode (Butters gets sold to Paris Hilton by his parents to be her pet) - Flash needed - NOT 56K friendly:

Code: [Select]
http://youtube.com/watch?v=hCht6tHspI0
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on March 24, 2006, 04:32:12 pm
Fafblog FAQ (http://fafblog.blogspot.com/2006/02/frequently-asked-question-q.html)

Quote
Q. Why are we in Iraq?
A. For freedom! Recent intelligence informs us it is on the march.
Q. Hooray! Where's it marching to?
A. To set up a government of the people, by the people, for the people, and held in check by strict adherence to the laws of Islam.
Q. Huh! Freedom sounds strangely like theocracy.
A. No it doesn’t! It is representative godocracy, in which laws are written by the legislative branch, enforced by the executive branch, and interpreted by an all-powerful all-knowing deity which manifests its will through a panel of senior clerics.
Q. Whew! Is democracy on the march, too?
A. Democracy was on the march. Sadly, freedom and democracy were caught in a blizzard and freedom was forced to eat democracy to survive.
Q. It died as it lived: sautéed in garlic sauce with a side of scalloped potatoes.
A. Democracy is survived by sectarian violence and fanaticism. In lieu of flowers, please send a coherent exit strategy.

That's just the first part.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Erin on March 24, 2006, 05:08:52 pm
*
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on March 24, 2006, 05:43:47 pm
Editorials from a Japanese School Teacher (http://www.outpostnine.com/editorials/teacher.html)

OK, since no one has said anything about this, I'm going to post an excerpt from one of them.  My favorite excerpt, even.

Quote
At one of my schools, there's this ichinensei girl who is, without question, The Sweetest Girl in the Universe. She's very cute, very polite, always smiling, and is really bubbly. Everyone kind of dotes on her, but you would too, SHE'S SO FREAKING SWEET.

Anyway, she and some other girls were doing a special English drill. In this particular workbook, there was, in my opinion, a rather odd exercise. The other girls would say "So and so, you're a good soccer player!" and the girl who was named would then say "No, I'm not. I'm a bad soccer player. I'm a very bad soccer player." I can only guess that this has something to do with Japanese culture, and their tendency to deny compliments rather than accept them.

So these girls were doing this exercise in turns, and I read ahead to see what Ultimate Sweetness would be responding to. I almost fell over in my chair when I saw it. It was completely innocent, sure, but I knew exactly how my young male mind would hear it. I panicked - I had to stop this from happening, somehow. But I couldn't think of what to do. In my hesistation, the exercise proceeded, and the moment I feared came to be.

Other Girls: "You're a good girl!"

The Cutest, Sweetest Girl in the Universe: "No, I'm not! I'm a bad girl. I'm a very bad girl."

I'm going to hell.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on March 25, 2006, 12:12:54 am
Editorials from a Japanese School Teacher (http://www.outpostnine.com/editorials/teacher.html)

OK, since no one has said anything about this, I'm going to post an excerpt from one of them.  My favorite excerpt, even.

Quote
At one of my schools, there's this ichinensei girl who is, without question, The Sweetest Girl in the Universe. She's very cute, very polite, always smiling, and is really bubbly. Everyone kind of dotes on her, but you would too, SHE'S SO FREAKING SWEET.

Anyway, she and some other girls were doing a special English drill. In this particular workbook, there was, in my opinion, a rather odd exercise. The other girls would say "So and so, you're a good soccer player!" and the girl who was named would then say "No, I'm not. I'm a bad soccer player. I'm a very bad soccer player." I can only guess that this has something to do with Japanese culture, and their tendency to deny compliments rather than accept them.

So these girls were doing this exercise in turns, and I read ahead to see what Ultimate Sweetness would be responding to. I almost fell over in my chair when I saw it. It was completely innocent, sure, but I knew exactly how my young male mind would hear it. I panicked - I had to stop this from happening, somehow. But I couldn't think of what to do. In my hesistation, the exercise proceeded, and the moment I feared came to be.

Other Girls: "You're a good girl!"

The Cutest, Sweetest Girl in the Universe: "No, I'm not! I'm a bad girl. I'm a very bad girl."

I'm going to hell.

I read a bunch of that stuff...

Man,  that is one *weird* culture!  And that guy was there a couple of years...?!  I don't think I'd have been able to put up with the stuff he put up with,  not without getting into some serious trouble early on.  Jeez!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on March 29, 2006, 05:09:00 pm
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
 
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
 
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
 
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
 
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
 
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
 
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
 
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
 
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
 
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
 
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
 
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
 
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
 
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
 
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

:P
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on March 30, 2006, 10:40:10 am

I read a bunch of that stuff...

Man,  that is one *weird* culture!  And that guy was there a couple of years...?!  I don't think I'd have been able to put up with the stuff he put up with,  not without getting into some serious trouble early on.  Jeez!


Actually, he's still there and will be until at least August of this year.  And yes, Japan has a wierd (read: "fucked up") culture.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on April 02, 2006, 05:25:28 am
I've been reading The Pythons Autobiography by The Pythons (http://www.chortle.co.uk/books/bkfeatures/pythons.html). It seems that every one of them, when growing up, was influenced by The Goon Show (http://www.thegoonshow.net/), some episodes of which are available for your listening pleasure. One of the goons was Peter Sellers.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on April 06, 2006, 12:30:33 pm
It's flip-flop season... (http://www.seanbonner.com/flipflop/)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on April 07, 2006, 10:10:50 am
This makes me smile. Hope the 68K isn't too much for dial-up folks.

(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/dancer.gif)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on April 07, 2006, 03:53:33 pm
Well, DAMN! Somebody stole my moves!!!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tom P. on April 07, 2006, 04:18:01 pm
damn dancing stick baby
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on April 10, 2006, 12:19:21 am
Wodda-hoot
Q & A: The New $10 Bill (http://www.ncc-1776.org/tle2006/tle362-20060409-06.html)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on April 11, 2006, 03:41:54 pm
Subject: HORMONES


This is pretty helpful.
There are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth
and he takes his very life into his own hands!    This is a handy guide
that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every
husband, boyfriend, or significant other.



DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.



DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.



DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: What did I do wrong?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.



DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.



DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.



13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff



.......and my favorite one...

13. Potential Murder Suspect

And when you're past the age for PMS;

I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun.

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a
good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but
chocolate sings.

Another thing to giggle about... My husband, not happy with my mood
swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to
monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a
bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll
buy me diamonds.

Here have some chocolate.






 

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on April 12, 2006, 05:25:35 pm
Courtesy of my dad:

A Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump!

"Stop," he yelled, "Remember you're someone who has value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything of value on the stock market!"

"But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan.

"She divorced me, the bitch."

"Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They never call," said the man.

"Then your parents. Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"Dead as doornails," said the man.

"Then 'Remember the Alamo'," yelled the Texan.

"What's the Alamo?" inquired the man.

The Texan replied: "Jump, you Yankee son of a bitch!"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on April 14, 2006, 06:07:10 pm
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and acne??

[spoiler]Acne waits till your 13 to come on your face :sign10:[/spoiler]

Oh....that joke.  There was a reason I didn't reply to it.  I thought it might have been in bad taste to ask how you know.  Plus, I really don't want an answer to it.  :P
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on April 15, 2006, 08:59:18 pm
I ran across a couple of silly links today...

One is The Internet Hash Project (http://www.nethash.org/), and the other one is the 3rd Annual Nigerian EMail Conference (http://j-walk.com/other/conf/index.htm)...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on May 02, 2006, 05:44:42 am
Stray Cat Rules

1. Stray cats will not be fed.

2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, and leftover fish scraps.

5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y."

11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

13. Stray cats can jump on furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114 sisal-rope scratching post with 3 perches.

14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the 3 piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fancy kitty litter.

16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with 3 panel privacy screen and lots of head room.

17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non allergenic lambs wool pillow.

22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.

26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.

27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;lj fd.;oier' puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on May 02, 2006, 01:54:27 pm
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5
year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN
make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit
with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to
do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother
who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take
the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building
the house next door to us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house
again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver
the fucking sheet rock..."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on May 02, 2006, 06:52:16 pm
This makes me smile. Hope the 68K isn't too much for dial-up folks.

http://billstclair.com/blog/images/dancer.gif

Hey look!  Somebody drew a picture of PSM! :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on May 03, 2006, 10:01:10 am
The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the Captain and Co-Pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and that she will not move back to her seat. The Co-Pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that, because she only paid for Economy, she will have to leave First Class and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and I am going to sit right here."

The Co-Pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the Captain that he should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman as she won't listen to reason.

The Captain says, "You say she's blonde? I will handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and Co-Pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on May 04, 2006, 07:38:18 pm
When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on May 05, 2006, 05:09:48 pm
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v257/PsychoticCompanion/usa.gif

LOL!  That's pretty good.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Redmon_Barbry on May 06, 2006, 01:32:24 am
Seen at the bottom of a handwritten sign presenting the services and prices of a auto repair garage (I swear):

    Reasonably honest
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on May 09, 2006, 08:07:35 am

Beneath (or over, or between...whatever) the watchful eyes... (http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on May 09, 2006, 08:41:47 am
Did they really say that??!

Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
  --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
  --Mariah  Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your  life,"
  --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
  --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
  --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
  --A congressional  candidate in Texas.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
  --Al Gore, Vice President 

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
  --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
  --Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
  --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."   
  --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
  --Bill Clinton, President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
  --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
  --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
  --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: dervish on May 11, 2006, 01:00:51 am
(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h158/Sheev1/03-24-2006hot-hot.gif)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: thistle on May 12, 2006, 12:10:11 am
Tom Dreesen on Letterman last night:

Dreesen: So I got pulled over last Tuesday and I was hoping to use a little humor to get out of the ticket.

Dreesen: Let me guess Officer, you want to sell me two tickets to the Indiana State Trooper's Ball?
Officer: Sir, the Indiana State Troopers don't have balls...

[pause]

Officer: I'll let you out of the ticket if you promise not to repeat that

[pause]

Dreesen: I'll take the ticket

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on May 12, 2006, 08:54:13 pm
California - 156 years ago!

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?

 1. California became a state.
 2. The State had no electricity.
 3. The State had no money.
 4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
 5. There were gun fights in the streets of LA.
 6. Gringo's were few and far between.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.

.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: dervish on May 13, 2006, 12:26:51 am
So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands

Oh, reminds me of a joke I heard in Texas!

Ahem:

Q.  Why did the North get the Yankees and California get the queers?




A.  California got to choose first.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on May 15, 2006, 05:55:25 am
(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/camel.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on May 15, 2006, 03:08:41 pm
For you Star Wars fans:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBn9Nh9r-0Y
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on May 21, 2006, 08:41:42 am
Subject: Fw: Your Government at Work


           
The Dam
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before
you get to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is
in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts
of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania
Compiled Laws, annotated.!

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to
restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work
shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond
to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget
Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended
that you call their skillful use of natures building materials
"debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to
emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I
believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their
dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of
dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers.
(2) Or do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of
all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301,
Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then
and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass
them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.


If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!   The
bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to your dam office.


THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS





 
 
 
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: ShortyDawkins on May 21, 2006, 10:41:41 am
Excellent reply.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on May 21, 2006, 11:01:07 am
Editorial cartoon from The Economist:

(http://www.economist.com/images/20060520/D2006WW0.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on May 30, 2006, 08:34:43 pm
http://www.strike-the-root.com/3/halbrooks/halbrooks4.html
I wanted to sob, but I decided to chuckle uncomfortably instead.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on May 30, 2006, 11:45:17 pm
Pirates...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qd9uRj_MZkA&search=pirates
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on May 30, 2006, 11:49:10 pm
This is so wrong...  :laugh:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9Cg36F7i7c
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on May 31, 2006, 09:11:58 pm
Since we're posting youtubes.... here's one for MB and his cat (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg)

 :headbang:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on June 01, 2006, 02:11:27 pm
You can d/l this to a disk and have it printed out on nice glossy paper for about $1 at Office Max.  Some people don't get it.  Spread this meme! (clickable thumbnail)

http://img27.imagevenue.com/img.php?loc=loc104&image=88767_prop_pills.jpg

 (http://img27.imagevenue.com/loc104/th_88767_prop_pills.jpg) (http://img27.imagevenue.com/img.php?loc=loc104&image=88767_prop_pills.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on June 03, 2006, 03:49:39 pm
A snippet of Firesign Theatre (http://www.lodestonecatalog.com/lode/catalog/msug/msug302.ram)
(Requires RealPlayer)

Because, as you might well know, Everything You Know is Wrong (http://www.lodestonecatalog.com/lode/catalog/msug/msug504.ram)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: badmuggafugga on June 03, 2006, 05:39:40 pm
Like that MDM one, M16A2. 

If any tipplers remain unfamiliar with the Modern Drunkard Magazine, hie yourself to their website forthwith.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on June 04, 2006, 08:50:15 pm
How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on June 05, 2006, 01:35:39 pm
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/symbols.png)

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/symbols.png)

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/symbols.png)

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/symbols.png)

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/symbols.png)

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/symbols.png)

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/symbols.png)

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......

(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/symbols.png)

It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on June 14, 2006, 01:48:32 pm
Nyetscape... (http://members.ozemail.com.au/~imcfadyen/notthenet/nyetitle.htm)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on June 15, 2006, 03:47:03 pm
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipes
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Ingredients:

532.35 cm3 gluten
4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
4.9 cm3 refined halite
236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add
ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature
rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on June 21, 2006, 11:02:56 am
 TO ALL THE KIDS WHO  WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's.

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one died.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing.
 
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........we went outside and found someone to play with.

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. 
 
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't dealt with the disappointment.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to DEAL WITH IT.

We had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

Kinda makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?
Title: Animal Coffee
Post by: kbarrett on June 21, 2006, 02:20:35 pm
Heh. (http://www.animalcoffee.com/process/)

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on June 21, 2006, 04:05:53 pm
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO  WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's.

...

(http://www.websmileys.com/sm/sad/310.gif)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on June 29, 2006, 05:34:35 am
Bear Conversions

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of the University of Montana in Missoula.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all
go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they came together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various
bandages, spoke first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well,
that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I
quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first
communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob went next. He had one arm and both legs in casts, and an IV
drip attached to his wheelchair. In his best fire and brimstone oratory, he
claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And, then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But, that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So, I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until
we came to a creek. So, I quick-like DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
And, just like you said, Father Flannery, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day PRAISING Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in
a body cast and traction and there were IV's running in and out of him with
multiple monitors beeping and glowing at his bedside. He was in seriously bad
shape.

The rabbi slowly looked up and whispered, "Well, looking back on it,
Circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on June 29, 2006, 05:41:20 am
   A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?” “This is Heaven, sir,” the man answered. “Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.

“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought

right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open. “Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog, “come in, too?” the traveller asked. “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.” The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. “Excuse me!” he called to the man. “Do you have any water?” “Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.” “How about my friend here?” the traveller gestured to the dog.

“There should be a bowl by the pump.”

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. “What do you call this place?” the traveller asked. “This is Heaven,” he answered. “Well, that’s confusing,” the traveller said. “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.”   “Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.” “Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”  ”No, we’re  just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.”
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on July 04, 2006, 08:54:56 am
Just in time for the 4th of July grilling/BBQ holiday!  :laugh:

Quote
After months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is one element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....



 
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on August 04, 2006, 05:46:33 pm
Geez! It's been a month since any silly stuff was posted. Are we losing our senses of humor?  This, weirdly, is very similar to my last humorous posting. I'm not down on men, it's just what I seem to receive from my friends.............. ^_^ :rolleyes:  Guess I could have broken them up and posted them individually in various topic threads, but that's just ssssoooooo much like work. Enjoy!

Quote
Alright folks, this kinda goes against the guys, but anyone with a decent
> sense of humor should find this pretty funny......
>
> WIFE VS. HUSBAND
>
> A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
> word.
> An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
> Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
> As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
> The husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
> "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
>
> ---------------------------------
>
> WORDS
>
> A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
> day...
> 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
> The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
> everything to men...
> The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
>
> ---------------------------------
>
> CREATION
>
> A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
> So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
> The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
> God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
> God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
>
> ---------------------------------
>
> WHO DOES WHAT
>
> A man and his wife were having an argument about who
> Should brew the coffee each morning.
> The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
> And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
> The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
> You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
> coffee."
> Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
> that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that,
> show me."
> So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
> at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"
>
> ---------------------------------
>
> The Silent Treatment
>
> A man and his wife were having some problems at home
> And were giving each other the silent treatment.
> Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife
> to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
> Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
> on a piece of paper,
> "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
> it.
> The next morning, the man woke up, only y to discover it was 9:00 AM
> and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
> hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
> The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
>
> Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
>
> ---------------------------------
>
> God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
> draft before the masterpiece.
>
> ---------------------------------
>
>
> SHARE THIS WITH SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND WITH MEN YOU THINK CAN
> HANDLE IT!
>
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on August 04, 2006, 05:55:54 pm
 :angry:  Don't make me download a bunch of blonde jokes...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on August 04, 2006, 06:14:30 pm
:angry:  Don't make me download a bunch of blonde jokes...

Darn! I've already posted all my good blonde jokes. You win.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: debra on August 04, 2006, 06:34:43 pm
Can't have blonde jokes without redhead jokes too:

Q: How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds.

Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something.

Q: You know when a blonde has been using a computer by the whiteout on the screen. So how do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A: There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.

Q: What's the difference between an angry redhead and a terrorist?
Q: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What's the mating call of a blonde? "I'm so drunk!"
What's the mating call of a brunette? "Are the blondes gone yet?"
What's the mating call of a redhead? "NEXT!"

Q: What's the Redhead Dating Motto?
A: The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.

Q: What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
A: A redhead won't accept a three and a half inch anything.

Q: What is the difference between a bitch and redhead?
A: Not a damn thing, but you better not tell her that. 

Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
A: She unties you

Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A: Normal.

If you love a redhead, set her free. If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front yard, and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way. The other is to let her have it.

---------------------------

A redhead accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely
die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he
is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare
an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably
had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his
stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a
week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a
year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

---------------------------------
A young man marrying a redhead asked his father for some marital advice. The father said, "Just remind her who wears the pants in your family." The evening arrived, the new husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She did and said "I don't fit into these." "That's right!" he said, "so don't you forget who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He looked at them and said, "I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right - and you won't until your attitude changes."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on August 04, 2006, 07:54:30 pm
Q: What's the Redhead Dating Motto?
A: The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
:love4:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on August 04, 2006, 08:01:08 pm
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:  I'm dyin' here.

I should have married a redhead.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Gunslinger0311 on August 04, 2006, 09:07:27 pm
I can officially certify the redhead jokes.  I have had a thing for redheads since I was in middle school...and they were ALL[/u] fucking trouble.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: velojym on August 04, 2006, 09:28:40 pm
I can officially certify the redhead jokes.  I have had a thing for redheads since I was in middle school...and they were ALL[/u] fucking trouble.

I was married to one. Still kinda have a thing for redheads, but they scare me.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Leonidas the Younger on August 04, 2006, 09:37:31 pm
I propose a thought experiment:

This is a silly thread, devoted to things being silly.

Thus, if I posted something serious in this thread, would it thus then be silly?

For surely it would be silly to post seriously in a silly thread.

But then! If it is truly silly because it is serious, it can no longer be serious.

And so if it's no longer serious, how can it be silly if it's whole claim to being silly was to be a serious post in a silly thread?

So it's silly notsilly silly notsilly silly notsilly silly notsilly silly notsilly silly notsilly silly notsilly silly notsilly silly notsilly silly notsilly silly notsilly silly notsilly ad infinitum .. which would be silly, except that if it were to truly go on forever it would lead to a very, very serious situation.

Indeed, the silliness of the logic before us is only compunded by the seriousness of this post; I post not in jest, but with a true philosopic quandry. Thus making the post serious, I henceby make it silly.

Infinite silliness in infinite seriousness.

Seriously!

-- Leonidas
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on August 04, 2006, 10:51:40 pm
I propose a thought experiment:

You can't be serious.

Anyway, your entire premise is based on the invalid assumption that a thought experiment can be conducted in a thread where thought itself is impossible. Sic ipso facto pluribus unum in arcadia est. I rest my case.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Leonidas the Younger on August 05, 2006, 12:27:26 am
Quoting latin makes you sound serious, but this is a silly thread ...

-- Leonidas
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on August 05, 2006, 07:21:52 am
What a mind-boggling subject to wake up to!

Quote
Indeed, the silliness of the logic before us is only compunded by the seriousness of this post; I post not in jest, but with a true philosopic quandry. Thus making the post serious, I henceby make it silly.


All the serious silliness that goes on in the world is posted in serious threads, in spite of the silliness. So if serious silliness is taken seriously in spite of it's silliness, must this thread be limited to silly silliness? And where do you draw the line? And who makes the call?.
Some of the longest and most serious battles around here have drawn the reaction from me "Well, doesn't that just belong in the Silly Stuff thread!" 

Several topics I've wanted to start met with my indecision about whether to start a new dedicated thread or put it in Silly Stuff. 

Given the climate of the world today, can we really justify having all those other threads, which really just segregate silliness into categories and degrees of silliness?

And if I feel that I'm not being taken seriously around here, that my posted thoughts are considered to be silly by most, then would limiting my posting to the Silly Stuff thread make me queen and give me credibility to be taken seriously?

It's an awsome philosophic quandry that you've raised LtY!  I, for one, am giving it my serious attention and hope that all of you readers will do the same, rather than writing it off as a silly mental exercise.

Deep thinkers of the world unite!!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on August 06, 2006, 05:37:40 am
A man was buying a large bag of Purina at a store and was in line to check out.

A woman behind him asked, "Do you have a dog?"

He told her, "No, I'm starting The Purina Diet again."  He said he probably shouldn't because he'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her, "But, this is the perfect diet.  The way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so I am going to try it again."

Horrified, she asked if he ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned him.

"No," he said, "I was sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me."

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on August 06, 2006, 08:02:31 am
My personality test came out "Doctor"

My contribution to the humor:(recently arrived in e-mail)

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a
new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced
the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named *Governmentium*. Governmentium (Gv) has
one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant
deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

Junker I hate you.........
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on August 10, 2006, 11:51:52 am
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
Out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80
Mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing !" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal
To the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the
Highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and sirens blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the old speedster.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph Suddenly, he
Thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense",
Pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up
With him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of
The Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30
Minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
Speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my
Wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing
Her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
   
 
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on August 10, 2006, 12:54:43 pm
Now that I've figured out this image posting syuff, I may go nuts(er)!


Don't like my attitude? Well take this! (http://img48.imageshack.us/img48/1707/attitude01hi8.jpg)
Title: Just Wrong (teens and up if you care)
Post by: Rarick on August 11, 2006, 02:17:31 am
Who is the tough guy contest, and why guys don't talk much.

glumbert.com/media/tonguetwister.html (http://glumbert.com/media/tonguetwister.html)

The link is good but sometimes slow. have fun :ph34r:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on August 16, 2006, 05:00:00 pm
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Her second husband died.
She married again and had 5 more children. Her third husband died. And, alas,
she finally died, too.

At her funeral and standing by her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He
thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally
together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means
her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her
legs."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Erin on August 17, 2006, 01:37:58 pm
*
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on August 17, 2006, 03:25:21 pm
Excellent one Erin! A real coffee spewer! Sadly, true, but hilarious nontheless.   :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on August 18, 2006, 12:50:02 pm
Q. How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Wanna go ride bikes?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on August 18, 2006, 05:43:10 pm
Excerpt from The March of the Robots, by Lionel Fanthorpe. (http://www.peltorro.com/motrtxt.htm)

Surely the greatest sci-fi/fantasy tale ever published.

The greatest unpublished tale is, of course, The Eye of Argon (http://www.rdrop.com/~hutch/argon).
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on August 18, 2006, 08:42:38 pm
The greatest unpublished tale is, of course, The Eye of Argon (http://www.rdrop.com/~hutch/argon).


Okay...

My eyes have now boiled right out of my skull, in horrid, stygian,...nay...Cthulian paroxysms of ultimate pain.  For which I thank you greatly.

With my last rational, lucid, comprehensible thought, though, before I descend to the depths of madness, I beg you...explain what that was all about.  It was clearly intended to be some sort of Howardian parody.  But it went on! and...oh god!  On!  And on!  My mind!  My mind!

How I will miss it.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on August 19, 2006, 12:19:30 am
For all you Bozos and Bozoettes

I had lost this link. Just found it again, so I thought I'd drop it here. Not for the high speed impaired. From October, 2001 through JUly, 2002 the Firesign Theatre had an XM radio show. They had video of them broadcasting from the studio. Here (http://www.firesigntheatre.com/xmradio/index.html) you can watch (and hopefully listen to) the archived broadcasts.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mr_duh on August 19, 2006, 12:43:08 am
Apologizing in advance if these are repeats.

*********************

 The LAPD, FBI, BATF, and the CIA were all trying to prove they were the best at apprehending criminals. The president decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each agency has to try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant & mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The BATF goes in. They register all the animals in the forest, thereby creating so many piles of paperwork that the rabbit simply eludes the agents by hiding amidst the forms. After a year of registration, and no rabbit, they decide that something has to be done to justify their continued existence. Prepared for just such an emergency, they pull out their 'throw down' rabbit and tie it to a tree in the middle of a clearing. The next morning at 4AM, fourteen black-clad machine gunning agents storm the clearing, complete w/ flash-bang grenades & tear gas. The rabbit is shot while 'trying to escape'.

The LAPD goes in.  They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.  The bear is yelling: "Okay!  Okay!  I'm a rabbit!  I'm a rabbit!"

**********************

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

***********************

Q: What does a BATF agent get on an IQ test?

A: Drool

Q: What's the difference between a biker gang and BATF?

A: One is a group of violent social misfits that gets its jollies by
rape and murder. The other rides motorcycles.

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: badmuggafugga on August 19, 2006, 01:40:47 am
Q: How many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: (1): Let her cook in the dark

    (2): One to put it in and five to discuss the violation of the socket

    (3): [shrewish voice] "What's that supposed to mean?!?!?

Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: YOU DON'T KNOW!!!  YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on August 19, 2006, 08:08:31 pm
The greatest unpublished tale is, of course, The Eye of Argon (http://www.rdrop.com/~hutch/argon).

With my last rational, lucid, comprehensible thought, though, before I descend to the depths of madness, I beg you...explain what that was all about.  It was clearly intended to be some sort of Howardian parody. ...


At the risk of detonating your last remaining neuron, I shall tell you this:

I don't think it was written as a parody.

It is a common pastime at science fiction conventions to pass a copy around the room and have each person try to read aloud as long as possible without cracking up. For the very strong, balloons full of helium are made available to inhale before reading. Helium or no, few people manage more than a few sentences before collapsing to the floor.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on August 21, 2006, 11:45:33 am
The greatest unpublished tale is, of course, The Eye of Argon (http://www.rdrop.com/~hutch/argon).

With my last rational, lucid, comprehensible thought, though, before I descend to the depths of madness, I beg you...explain what that was all about.  It was clearly intended to be some sort of Howardian parody. ...


At the risk of detonating your last remaining neuron, I shall tell you this:

I don't think it was written as a parody.

It is a common pastime at science fiction conventions to pass a copy around the room and have each person try to read aloud as long as possible without cracking up. For the very strong, balloons full of helium are made available to inhale before reading. Helium or no, few people manage more than a few sentences before collapsing to the floor.

That was... Wow. I'm certain that hidden somewhere in there is the secret of the Answer... if you can survive long enough to figure it out.

Speaking of reading aloud; if you want to have a lot of fun, purchase a copy of The Ditches of Edison County. Read it out loud to a friend (or better, an enemy).

Another one I can't get through without breaking up is the eagle scene in The Long, Dark Teatime of the Soul.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on August 21, 2006, 12:58:26 pm
For those of you who might have made the mistake of actually trying to read The Eye of Argon in it's "pure" form, I apologize for not seeing it in the thread sooner.  It took a little googling, I was able to find it.  The Eye of Argon gets MSTed (http://www.bmsc.washington.edu/people/merritt/books/Eye_of_Argon.html).  If you must read The Eye of Argon, reading it as it gets MSTed is the only way to go.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: onlyfittin on August 21, 2006, 02:23:14 pm
I refuse to read any more postings on this thread.  There is way too much tasteless sex.  My wife told me long ago that if I was involved in tasteless sex, I was doing it wrong.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on August 21, 2006, 04:01:39 pm
I refuse to read any more postings on this thread.  There is way too much tasteless sex.  My wife told me long ago that if I was involved in tasteless sex, I was doing it wrong.

Your wife is probably right.  I recommend adding a little salt, or maybe chocolate.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: onlyfittin on August 22, 2006, 12:10:30 pm
If you are active enough to work up a sweat, the salt doesn't need to be added.  My wife also told me that I could have a mistress as soon as I got caught up on my homework.  Since she was the one keeping score, I never seemed to get caught up.  Funny about that.  I tried thought.  I wish she was still here keeping score.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on August 22, 2006, 01:04:32 pm
Whipped cream or vanilla frosting from a can.  <sigh>

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on August 22, 2006, 02:39:35 pm
That was an evil post, Kent... :ph34r:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on August 24, 2006, 09:12:16 pm
You have the right to shut up (http://thelawdogfiles.blogspot.com/2006/08/you-have-right-to-shut-up.html)!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on August 25, 2006, 12:03:51 pm
You have the right to shut up (http://thelawdogfiles.blogspot.com/2006/08/you-have-right-to-shut-up.html)!

That's a good one. TCFers will probably also enjoy this article by the same blogger:
 That didn't hurt -- for long. (http://thelawdogfiles.blogspot.com/2006/08/that-didnt-hurt-for-long.html)
Quote
...Mr. Critter promptly whipped a large silver-coloured revolver from his waistband, struck the man across the face with the barrel, knocking the neighbor back and down to one knee. Mr. Critter then proceeded to advance on the neighbor, pointing the gun at him him and loudly screaming: "You want a piece of me, mother****er?! Huh?! You want a piece of me?! I'll **** you up, you ho-ass mother****er! You want a piece of me?!"...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on August 25, 2006, 12:44:42 pm
  Interesting site Law Dog has.  I noticed a lot of shifts in perception between that page and this one.  There is a lot of agreement about the end result of both posts, but the reasons for that agreement change.  I also looked at the following commentaries and get images of the posters get torn into bloddy rags for chauvanism, statism, and lack of self reliance showed by many.

  Good informative entertainment.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on August 25, 2006, 01:31:10 pm
This just came to my email from a friend.....not sure how "silly" it is since it could probably happen.



George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little
PR.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand
and George asks him his name. "Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why
did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are
you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened
to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK,
where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him
his name. "Bobby," he responds. "And what is your question, Bobby?"
"Actually, I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq
without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al
Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what
 happened to Stanley?"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on August 25, 2006, 02:48:04 pm
Hey. I thought this thread was for jokes, not news stories. :)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on August 25, 2006, 06:53:58 pm
HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.



 
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on August 25, 2006, 07:56:19 pm
What's the difference between Southern and Northern zoos? 

The Northern zoos have descriptions of the animals and their Latin names on the cages. 

Southern zoos have recipes. 
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on August 26, 2006, 09:56:18 am
Do I just have a really overactive imagination, or does the main stadium for the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing look like what I think it looks like to you too?
http://www.bjghw.gov.cn/forNationalStadium/indexeng.asp
(http://file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Jon/Desktop/B0114.jpg)

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on August 26, 2006, 10:09:51 am
Do I just have a really overactive imagination, or does the main stadium for the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing look like what I think it looks like to you too?
http://www.bjghw.gov.cn/forNationalStadium/indexeng.asp
http://file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Jon/Desktop/B0114.jpg

You mean...like a great, big...cat's eye?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: prometheus on August 26, 2006, 10:34:51 am
p
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: badmuggafugga on August 26, 2006, 01:23:11 pm
Quote
I've never seen one that big

I've never seen one that lit up.     :huh:

Has it been introduced to the Washington Monument?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on August 26, 2006, 03:13:45 pm
 
Has it been introduced to the Washington Monument?

What would the result of that be? Mt. Rushmore?  Ugly quadruplets!!

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on August 28, 2006, 01:04:03 am
Gods, I thought I was bad.
You people are terrible.
 :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on August 28, 2006, 09:34:14 am
They are building B11 further down the page.  The thing that looks like a birds nest, I think some one was being fairly perceptive.  Goegraphic or Discovery channels had a show on the Beijing olympic arcitecture a while back.  It is all modernistic/autistic stuff.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on August 29, 2006, 01:10:28 am
Pluto's Response (http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/health/bal-plutoside0825,0,6367343.story?coll=bal-home-headlines)...
Title: Things to do with a dollar...
Post by: Nacho Libra on August 30, 2006, 04:20:02 pm
Things to do with a dollar...


1. Use it as a fancy tablecloth in your dollhouse living room.
2. Buy .3 gallons of gas.
3. Buy REO Speedwagon's The Hits at your local 7-Eleven.
4. Buy a newspaper. Make a hat out of the newspaper.
5. Hold a hooker's hand.
6. Get 30 seconds of high-resolution "full-contact" Web chat time.
7. Use it for a coke straw.
8. Get an all-day parking pass in downtown Steubenville, Ohio.
9. Buy a new doorbell button.
10. Trade it on eBay for a different dollar.
11. Buy enough yarn to knit your hamster a beach towel.
12. Get a small bag of fortune cookies. Then brag to your friends that you have a small (bag of) fortune (cookies).
13. Make a lightweight two-inch telescope (1X powered).
14. Buy enough breadcrumbs to go for a walk in the forest and not get lost.
15. Get 100 pennies, go to a fountain, and make 100 wishes for more money.
16. Make a testicle cozy (you'll need two dollars for two cozies).
17. Scratch and win your way out of your shithole life.
18. Make a three-second phone call from a hotel room.
19. Pay off all your debts in Mexico.
20. Make some origami. Sell it for more than a dollar to some retard who likes origami.
21. Eat it. Then laugh as you shit money. (Don't eat it again.)
22. Buy a dozen used roses.
23. Fly a tiny kite.
24. Use it as homemade Q-tip.
25. Treat your girlfriend like a cheap stripper.
26. Level a wobbly table.
27. Save an African’s life.
28. Get a black or white photo, from a picture booth.
29. Buy 20 empty aluminum cans. Fill them with urine and then sell them as cans of energy drink.
30. Leave four messages on your answering machine from a pay phone.
Title: Re: Things to do with a dollar...
Post by: coloradohermit on August 30, 2006, 05:53:48 pm
Things to do with a dollar...

4. Buy a newspaper. Make a hat out of the newspaper.


Would that hat go under or over my tinfoil hat?
Title: Re: Things to do with a dollar...
Post by: Nacho Libra on August 30, 2006, 06:04:25 pm
Things to do with a dollar...

4. Buy a newspaper. Make a hat out of the newspaper.


Would that hat go under or over my tinfoil hat?

You would wear it over your tin foil hat but under the zip lock bag.
Title: Re: Things to do with a dollar...
Post by: coloradohermit on August 31, 2006, 01:36:44 pm
Things to do with a dollar...

4. Buy a newspaper. Make a hat out of the newspaper.


Would that hat go under or over my tinfoil hat?

You would wear it over your tin foil hat but under the zip lock bag.

Gotcha! Thanks   :headbang:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on August 31, 2006, 02:01:16 pm
"shaped by nature, the design will create a simple symbolic link"

Oh yea, baby, I've never seen one that big

It's so big that you could hear an echo. 

Or drive a truck through it.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: onlyfittin on August 31, 2006, 04:26:19 pm
As Heinlein said, "Did you ever notice how much they look like lilies?"
He may have said that tongue in......, ah...  cheek.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on August 31, 2006, 04:54:32 pm
 :laugh: Well, you can bet he said it tongue in something.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: onlyfittin on August 31, 2006, 06:23:14 pm
And this weekend they are having "The Taste of Colorado" in Denver.  Do you suppose.......?  No, of course not.  But what are those booths for?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on September 02, 2006, 05:53:55 pm
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.? For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

??????????? COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A MPUTER FROM ABBOTT




ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.? What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.? What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers.? What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

???????? (A few days later)

ABBOTT: SperDuper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".................
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Nacho Libra on September 08, 2006, 10:38:50 am
The Kitchen Bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,

"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, " We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and  resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.  We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon!"

She heard her little darling continue, "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added,

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!!"
Title: Great animation. You guys will love this! Check out the rest of the site too.
Post by: motherbatherick on September 12, 2006, 03:11:17 am
http://www.biteycastle.com/taken.htm
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on September 12, 2006, 11:38:10 am
Which of the Star wars cast are you?  (http://www.youthink.com/quiz.asp?action=take&quiz_id=1748)
 



My Results:
 
(http://www.youthink.com/quiz_images/quiz1748outcome8.jpg) (http://www.youthink.com/quiz.asp?action=take&quiz_id=1748)
 
Obi wan kenobi
 
He is revealed as a Jedi Knight, who then tutors Luke Skywalker in the Jedi arts. In episodes I-III he appears as a young Jedi, progressing from apprentice to master and tutoring the young Anakin Skywalker.
Title: Re: Great animation. You guys will love this! Check out the rest of the site too
Post by: Jac on September 12, 2006, 12:17:05 pm
http://www.biteycastle.com/taken.htm
I was waiting for it and it still got me... :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on September 12, 2006, 02:49:16 pm
chewbacca!  I guess it kinda fits.  That is the first one of those that made sort of sense to me.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: kel on September 12, 2006, 04:33:08 pm
I got obi-wan too. Didn't expect that. Figured on being an ewok.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on September 12, 2006, 04:35:07 pm
Chewy for me... though I don't see how it fits. Maybe it's perspective? :mellow:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on September 12, 2006, 06:17:44 pm
I scored "Luke Skywalker".  I like Han Solo better, but...

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on September 12, 2006, 07:35:14 pm
Obi Wan, but...

I scored "Luke Skywalker".  I like Han Solo better, but...

Kent

I'm a Han Fan, too.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Searcher9 on September 13, 2006, 09:49:06 am
I got Yoda.
Not sure how preferring soup got me there, but... like it, I do.

Standing merely 66 cm tall, Yoda is one of the members of the Jedi Council and arguably the wisest and most powerful Jedi of his time, even toward his demise, though the toll of his great age is noticeable (896 BBY [1] –4 ABY). Over his lifetime, Yoda trains several notable Jedi, including Count Dooku, Mace Windu, Obi-Wan Kenobi (partially, before Qui-Gon Jinn took over with Obi-Wan's training), Ki-Adi-Mundi and eventually Luke Skywalker. Before the Great Jedi Purge, he had trained almost every Jedi in the Galaxy since he instructed all younglings in the Jedi Temple before they were assigned to a master (c. 800 BBY to 19 BBY).
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Fish on September 13, 2006, 10:06:37 am
Oh yeah! Darth Vader! Muhahaha!

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: onlyfittin on September 14, 2006, 09:38:00 pm
R2D2 and I am less than thrilled.  Who wants to be a Star Wars Tin Man?  And I also said "soup".  Oh, well.  Stay low to the ground, keep your batteries charged and always stay turned on.  Better a tin geek than a tin god.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on September 15, 2006, 10:49:09 am
R2D2 and I am less than thrilled.  Who wants to be a Star Wars Tin Man?  And I also said "soup".  Oh, well.  Stay low to the ground, keep your batteries charged and always stay turned on.  Better a tin geek than a tin god.

.....No, no no.  C3PO was the tin man.  R2D2 was the rolling, beeping trashcan.  I hate the Star Wars movies and even I know that.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on September 15, 2006, 02:02:23 pm
What, exactly, do you people have against tin-persons, anyway? :skeptical:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on September 15, 2006, 02:14:46 pm
Well, they're just so... heartless. :P
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: purple kitty on September 15, 2006, 03:19:27 pm
v
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on September 15, 2006, 03:35:51 pm
What, exactly, do you people have against tin-persons, anyway? :skeptical:
I rather like them, but that's just me. ;)
Yeah, well, you like cats, too... obviously a sign of deeper mental problems. :mellow:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on September 15, 2006, 04:55:34 pm
What, exactly, do you people have against tin-persons, anyway? :skeptical:
I rather like them, but that's just me. ;)
Yeah, well, you like cats, too... obviously a sign of deeper mental problems. :mellow:

I...um....I agree with Jac....I'm going to go hang myself now...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on September 15, 2006, 05:00:15 pm
What, exactly, do you people have against tin-persons, anyway? :skeptical:
I rather like them, but that's just me. ;)
Yeah, well, you like cats, too... obviously a sign of deeper mental problems. :mellow:

I...um....I agree with Jac....I'm going to go hang myself now...
Heheh... it's all coming together, now. :icon_pirat:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on September 18, 2006, 09:00:13 am
Subject: Fw: For Lexophiles . . .
.

 


 
> 1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
........................................................
> 2. A will is a dead giveaway
........................................................
> 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a
> banana.
........................................................
> 4. A backward poet writes inverse.

........................................................
> 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in
> feudalism, it's your
> Count that votes.
........................................................
> 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

........................................................
> 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get
> repossessed.

........................................................
> 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
........................................................
> 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
> I'll show you A-flat miner.
........................................................
> 10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four
> seconds.
........................................................
> 11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was
> fully recovered.
........................................................
> 12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France,
> resulted in
> Linoleum Blownapart.
........................................................
> 13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge
> it.

> 14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down
> under.
........................................................
> 15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the
> key.

........................................................
> 16. A calendar's days are numbered.

........................................................
> 17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and
> 'taint mine.

........................................................
> 18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

........................................................
> 19. He had a photographic memory which was never
> developed
........................................................
> 20 . A plateau is a high form of flattery.
........................................................
> 21.A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a
> small medium at large.

........................................................
> 22. Those who get too big for their britches will be
> exposed in the end.
........................................................
> 23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen
> a mall.

........................................................
> 24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in
> Seine.

........................................................
> 25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she
> thought she'd dye.
........................................................
> 26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
> basis........................................................
> 27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
........................................................
> 28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 
 
 
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: onlyfittin on September 18, 2006, 02:02:17 pm
Dogs teach us unconditional love.
Cats teach us humility.

Dogs have owners.
Cats have staff.

Dogs are bred to love and obey.
Cats are libertarians and do as they damn well please.

When you come home, a dog says, "Oh!  Oh!  You're home!  You're home!!  Oh, Joy!!!"
When you come home, a cat says, "And where the hell have you been!"

I like cats.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on September 18, 2006, 02:26:50 pm
Cats are libertarians and do as they damn well please.
Hehehe.... :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on September 18, 2006, 02:35:52 pm
Cats are not libertarians.

They do what they damn well please, it's true.  They also expect you to do what they damn well please.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on September 18, 2006, 02:46:38 pm
Cats are not libertarians.

They do what they damn well please, it's true.  They also expect you to do what they damn well please.
You got that right... cats are freakin' tyrants.
Title: Italian Teddy Bear
Post by: Nacho Libra on September 21, 2006, 10:44:43 am
Italian Teddy Bear (http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/humor/web_animations/1.swf)

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on September 21, 2006, 10:34:48 pm
Some of us don't have flash installed,  and in fact don't ever want to have flash installed.  A warning that it's required would be nice...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Nacho Libra on September 22, 2006, 12:07:01 pm
Oh, I am sooooooooooooo sorry. Is there a list of rules somewhere that I missed that tells me what to post? Like I even give two shits if a site uses flash or not.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on September 22, 2006, 12:20:51 pm
Oh, I am sooooooooooooo sorry. Is there a list of rules somewhere that I missed that tells me what to post? Like I even give two shits if a site uses flash or not.

No rule I'm aware of, more a request, it seems.  For the record, I thought it was funny.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Leonidas the Younger on September 22, 2006, 12:25:49 pm
Quote
Oh, I am sooooooooooooo sorry. Is there a list of rules somewhere that I missed that tells me what to post? Like I even give two shits if a site uses flash or not.

Woah! Chill mon, this is the SILLY thread. (Not that they aren't ALL silly.)

If you want to be serious in a silly thread, that would lead to world implosion.

But, like, woah. He didn't mean to chap your oats or nothin.

-- Leonidas
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on September 22, 2006, 12:46:11 pm
How do you chap someone's oats, anyway?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on September 24, 2006, 01:33:06 am
Sooo not surprised:
http://static.flickr.com/59/199967868_08b96ea693_o.jpg  (http://static.flickr.com/59/199967868_08b96ea693_o.jpg)
Title: Ticket avoidance tactic
Post by: Rarick on September 27, 2006, 03:10:05 pm
>Subject: A senior and his Corvette
>Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 21:05:32 +0000
>
>There's no substitute for age and experience. May be a true stiry,
then
>again it may be the quick thinking of an agile mind.
>
>
>Subject: A senior and his Corvette
>
>A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of
>the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
>enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
>
>"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even
more.
>Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
>blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
>
>He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
"What
>am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the
>Trooper's arrival
>
>Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked
at
>his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is
Friday.
>If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
>I'll let you go."
>
>The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with
a
>Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
>
>"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on September 29, 2006, 09:44:27 am
What's your beer personality? (http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourbeerpersonalityquiz/)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on September 29, 2006, 10:55:28 am
What's your beer personality? (http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourbeerpersonalityquiz/)
Guiness...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on September 29, 2006, 11:08:25 am
What's your beer personality? (http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourbeerpersonalityquiz/)

Huh.

I'm moody about what I like to drink and when, so I did it twice taking different moods and situations into account. 

First time I came up Guinness.  The second time I came up Olde E.  And I *do* drink both.

Guess my taste is what you'd call... eclectic. :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on September 29, 2006, 11:15:04 am
I don't drink beer, only ciders, so I had to kinda fake the funk, so to speak , on the test.  I came up as Corona.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on September 29, 2006, 11:21:10 am
I don't drink beer, only ciders, so I had to kinda fake the funk, so to speak , on the test.  I came up as Corona.
Oh, that's okay, that's not really beer either... :P
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on September 29, 2006, 03:25:41 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PAGb2O7lms
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: kel on September 29, 2006, 10:05:19 pm
Got Bud Light twice.  :huh: I bet the bud light types would look down on my Olympia. I feel quite embarassed. The part about drinking whatever someone hands you was accurate though. :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on October 04, 2006, 07:49:57 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc6w4SzIUN0&mode=related&search=
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on October 07, 2006, 04:44:33 pm
A couple of sites with humor.

www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/strange/pictures.htm

www.jokeword.com/index.asp


Some pretty telling hits are scored on them,
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on October 08, 2006, 01:15:03 am
'nother sign... (http://perso.orange.fr/mike.werner/BlogPics/Sign-Phones.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on October 08, 2006, 06:51:44 am
'nother sign... (http://perso.orange.fr/mike.werner/BlogPics/Sign-Phones.jpg)

Darn you Roy! Spit coffee all over my mouse. Love that sign!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Wyomiles on October 09, 2006, 02:41:27 am
A man and his son are out for a drive when the son asks his father, dad if big cows have little cows and big pigs have little pigs why don't big trains have little trains?  Well son I don't know, we will have to ask someone who works with trains about that.  Soon they are back in town and the man drives into the railroad station. He and his son walk up to a locomotive and holler for the engineer to come out. He does and the father tells him that his son has a question about trains. Go ahead and ask, Say's the engineer. Well sir, says the boy, if big cows have little cows and big pigs have little pigs why don't big trains have little trains. The engineer replies, well son, it's because the Union Pacific always pulls out in time.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on October 09, 2006, 03:45:34 am
Roy, I just sacrificed the sinuses to save my new Monitor.  You know how much soda hurts when it gets up there?  This is going to get passed on by the way.  I have a sheeple holy roller uncle-in-law (step fathers brother) that may or may not get it, but it will jerk his chain nicely.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Nacho Libra on October 10, 2006, 11:52:01 am
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v48/powerfull155/Assfromhole.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on October 13, 2006, 08:16:38 pm
Just received this - after reading the "you might be an outlaw if...." thread I thought that this was just the group that would try some of these  :)


> >Subject:  Walmart Shopper...
> >
> >Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband 
> >go with her to Wal-Mart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips.
> >  He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.
> >  Here's a letter sent to the Mrs. by Wal-Mart...
> >Dear Mrs. Fenton,
> >  Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a 
> >commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban 
> >both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our 
> >video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are 
> >listed below.
> >  Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in 
> >Wal-Mart:
> >  1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in 
> >people's carts when they weren't looking.
> >  2. July 2: Set all the alarm cl ocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
> >minute intervals.
> >  3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the 
> >restrooms.
> >  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official 
> >tone, "Code 3 in housewares" ... and watched what happened.
> >  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of 
> >M&M's on layaway.
> >  6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted 
> >area.
> >  7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told 
> >other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the 
> >bedding department.
> >  8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins 
> >to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
> >  9 October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a 
> >mirror, and picked his nose.
> >10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked 
> >the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
> >11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming 
> >the "Mission Impossible" theme.
> >12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" 
> >using different size funnels.
> >13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse 
> >through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
> >14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he 
> >assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices 
> >again!!!!"
> >And last, but not least ...
> >15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a 
> >while, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
> >Regards,
> >  Wal-Mart
>
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on October 19, 2006, 12:00:57 pm
What actually happens is funny enough, but the guy's audible reaction is what gets me chuckling.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=N81sp4htjMM  (WARNING:  Adult language)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on October 22, 2006, 09:36:18 pm
I just saw a newsbreak on TV where the local jabbuts had raided a motel room and they had the obligatory table-top shot.  The drugs, money and "weapons" stolen seized in the raid.  The only "weapon" I saw in the admittedly brief glimpse was a Ruger revolver that was MISSING the cylinder!!  What 'tards!!

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: velojym on October 22, 2006, 10:51:01 pm
Hehehe... that 'clip' musta been hard to get out. Now back to you, Tom, for the weather.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on October 23, 2006, 03:38:21 pm
How To Sing The Blues
[/font][/size]



Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: PintofStout on October 23, 2006, 03:58:13 pm
Holy crap, Thunder, that was the funniest synopsys i've ever seen for the blues! ^_^
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Alchemist on October 24, 2006, 08:07:04 pm
q
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on October 24, 2006, 08:57:49 pm
Quote
But clotheslines now are of the past

Not on this homestead!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: FDD on October 25, 2006, 08:37:46 pm

www.chickenwingscomics.com
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jeffersoniantoo on October 25, 2006, 08:41:39 pm
Quote
But clotheslines now are of the past

Not on this homestead!

Not at Green Valley Gulch, either...   :laugh:

...A new "old fashioned" clothesline is one of the first things Morrigan had me erect...   :mellow:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Kirsten on October 26, 2006, 05:12:32 pm
*
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: badmuggafugga on October 26, 2006, 10:21:25 pm
That one's always made me laugh, mainly 'cause I always forget where it's headed.    :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Lazarus Long on November 01, 2006, 05:27:48 am
Taoism: shit happens
Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit
Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah
Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it
Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?
Atheism: I don't believe this shit
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: badmuggafugga on November 01, 2006, 04:59:19 pm
How to use an internet forum     :laugh:

Should be required viewing, like the twinie thread.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/posting.php

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on November 01, 2006, 06:27:44 pm
Taoism: shit happens
Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit
Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah
Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it
Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?
Atheism: I don't believe this shit
You'll enjoy this thread (http://thementalmilitia.com/forums/index.php?topic=8522.0), if you haven't already found it.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Lazarus Long on November 02, 2006, 08:32:41 am
Ah, the mother lode!  :sign10:

Sorry, I tried searching to make sure this hadn't been posted before, but I guess my search was too specific.

coloradohermit, my youngest (age 3) spied your avatar over my shoulder the other day and now asks to see it just about every time she sees me at the computer. "Can I see the funny man?"

[hijack]
velojym, is that Snowy from Tintin, or another space dog?
[/hijack]
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on November 02, 2006, 08:37:19 am
Quote
coloradohermit, my youngest (age 3) spied your avatar over my shoulder the other day and now asks to see it just about every time she sees me at the computer. "Can I see the funny man?"
Thanks for the cute anecdote. My grandbabies don't call me Silly Grammy for nothing!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: henshawe on November 03, 2006, 10:52:34 am
G'Day All,

Today I'm befuddled, why you might ask. Well there are several reasons not least is the fact that there seem to be no reasonable answers to the following conundrums.

First,  these I have never understood:
          o We chop down trees but chop up wood;
          o We draw down wrath, we draw up wills,
          o We run down foes, we run up bills;
          o We eat food up, we down a drink,
          o Which is a little strange, I think.
          o We turn down offers, turn up noses--
          o Just one last thought and then this closes:
          o We should remember, we poor clowns,
          o That life is full of ups and downs. :wub:

And then this has just occured to me as of particular importance,
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? ... Yes; it runs in your genes.

    * If it runs down only one leg is it mono rrhea?
    * If it doesn't stop, you dia a rea slow death.
    * If you wipe and come up dry, is it gone arrhea? ^_^

At the other end of the philosophical spectrum the question about a cats unusual ability to always land on their feet promted me to ask, If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen? Hmmmm. This question lead me to further speculate that...

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link wherever we happen to be with Hardyville, wherever that place might be located in this space time continium.  :mellow:

What all this means?, I haven't a clue, but I'm sure it must mean something to someone somewhere. :laugh:

Regards,

Americus

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on November 03, 2006, 10:58:14 am
Quote
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet,

Not exactly.  Most of them usually land on their feet, but I've seen many a dropped cat land on their face.  Much funnier to watch, by the way.  :)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Fish on November 03, 2006, 04:54:01 pm
Hehehehehehe....HAHAHAHA!!!!!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7233445036972827652&pr=goog-sl
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on November 05, 2006, 05:28:49 am
While watching a medical drama one night, a man turns to his wife and says, "That reminds me, I never want to spend the rest of my life in a vegetative state dependent on some machine.  If that happens, please unplug the damn thing." 

She immediately got up and unplugged the TV.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on November 06, 2006, 07:12:36 pm
How NOT to tow an RV.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=TMBPgj5X3oM
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on November 08, 2006, 05:41:49 pm
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
> (the actual AP headline)
>
> Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her
> in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick
> up some groceries.
>
> Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
> rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind
> the back of her head.
>
> One customer who had been at the store for a while became
> concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
> eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
>
> He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot
> in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in
> for over an hour.
>
> The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car
> because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove
> her hands from her head.
>
> When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
> bread dough on the back of her head.
>
> A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making
> a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough
> hit her in the back of her head.
>
> When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the
> dough and thought it was her brains.
>
> She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold
> her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came
> to her aid.
>
> Linda is a blonde and a Rebublican, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: lewlew on November 08, 2006, 11:34:06 pm


A young blonde was on vacation and

driving through the Everglades.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine

alligator shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices

the local vendors were asking.


After becoming very frustrated with the

'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of

the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,

"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch

my own alligator,

so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile,

"Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps,

determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home,

he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots

that same young woman standing waist deep

in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then,he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming

rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim,

kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy

bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures,

all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank,

watching in silent amazement.

 

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming

in great frustration, she shouts out,

"SHIT...THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!!!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on November 09, 2006, 07:04:18 am
Quote
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

coloradohermit -- that has to be one of my all-time favorites.  I had it posted in my cube at work for years  :)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Kirsten on November 09, 2006, 10:14:48 am
*
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on November 10, 2006, 01:34:49 pm
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
> (the actual AP headline)
>
> Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her
> in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick
> up some groceries.
>
> Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
> rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind
> the back of her head.
>
> One customer who had been at the store for a while became
> concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
> eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
>
> He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot
> in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in
> for over an hour.
>
> The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car
> because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove
> her hands from her head.
>
> When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
> bread dough on the back of her head.
>
> A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making
> a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough
> hit her in the back of her head.
>
> When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the
> dough and thought it was her brains.
>
> She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold
> her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came
> to her aid.
>
> Linda is a blonde and a Rebublican, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.


This is the legend that caused Mythbusters to conduct their experiment.  The conclusion was "plausible".  Talk about a story to tell the grandkids!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on November 13, 2006, 07:26:33 am
40 Things That Only Happen in Movies


1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will, more often than not, die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start on the first try. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on, it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighborhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone's Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on November 13, 2006, 09:36:04 am
That list made me think of another, so I hereby present: Peter's Evil Overlord List http://omega.med.yale.edu/~pcy5/misc/overlord1.htm

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on November 13, 2006, 04:17:35 pm
That list made me think of another, so I hereby present: Peter's Evil Overlord List http://omega.med.yale.edu/~pcy5/misc/overlord1.htm

Kent

Good stuff.  Both lists omit the guns with endless bullets issue.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Fish on November 15, 2006, 05:41:17 pm
I really wonder if this would work...

http://www.boardofwisdom.com/mailquote.asp?msgid=22993
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Kirsten on November 17, 2006, 12:18:36 am
*
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on November 17, 2006, 06:03:46 am
18.  Everyone and everything everywhere belongs to the Dog.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: henshawe on November 17, 2006, 11:25:57 am
G'Day All,

Another blond joke.....

TWO SISTERS
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 – no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bul.

Regards,

Americus
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Fish on November 17, 2006, 11:56:53 am
In response to your Dog Commandments, I give you the Holy Techie Commandments!

1.Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he will lose or break them.

2.When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon thy script for as surely as the winds blow, so shall he change his mind.

3.Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.

4.Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.

5.Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength.

6.Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.

7.Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall party.

8.Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.

9.Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse.

10.Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.

11.Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.

12.Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.

13.Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.

14.Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done - then do it the right way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.

15.And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be like unto an airport.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jguy101 on November 17, 2006, 07:25:03 pm
 http://chaz.bdmonkeys.net/battle.php?usrname=

Lo! Who is that, stalking amidst the tarmac! It is Joseph, hands clutching a jeweled meat hammer! And with an ominous howl, his voice cometh:

"By Odin's mighty spear, man, that's some good coffee!!"

XD
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on November 17, 2006, 07:28:38 pm
Subject: Never bring outdoor plants into the house! A story of plants and stuff!!!!
 

Never bring outdoor plants into the house. Garden Grass Snakes, also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why:
 
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.  It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream!  The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was a snake under the sofa.  He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.  About that time, the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.  He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.  His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
 
The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.  About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.  That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
 
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.  He volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.  But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and fainted, and the snake rushed back under the sofa.  The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
 
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
 
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake.  She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.  By now the police had arrived.
 
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.  They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.  The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
 
The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa.  One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.  The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.  The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
 
Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
 
Time passed.  Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
 
A while later they were watching TV, the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.  The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.  That's when he shot her.
 
 
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on November 17, 2006, 08:25:24 pm
http://chaz.bdmonkeys.net/battle.php?usrname=

Lo! Who is that, stalking amidst the tarmac! It is Joseph, hands clutching a jeweled meat hammer! And with an ominous howl, his voice cometh:

"By Odin's mighty spear, man, that's some good coffee!!"

XD

That's funny -- here's what mine came up with

Prowling over the desert, clutching a meaty axe, cometh Dare2bfree! And she gives a cruel scream:

"Hail the blood-letting! I burn with the holy fires of destruction!!!"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on November 17, 2006, 08:48:41 pm
LOL, my battle cry...
Stalking out of the plains, brandishing a burning branch cometh Mr. Dare! and he gives a gutteral cry: " I'm seriously going to fuck you so hard you'll re-incarnate as an X-File!"
Well that's what it says...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Kirsten on November 26, 2006, 11:36:17 am
*
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on November 28, 2006, 06:42:31 pm
Dear Employee,

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department  areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early  retirement, thus permitting the retention of  younger people who  represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the  next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect  immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged
Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for  jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records  before actual retirement takes place.  This review phase of the  program will be called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal  with  upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following  Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,  SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems

appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled  to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early  Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump Sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who
has  received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the  company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on
board  that the company will continue its policy of training employees  through our:  Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.  We have  given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.  If any

employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the  job, see your

immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all
the  SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Phssthpok on November 28, 2006, 07:38:39 pm
For you Cat lovers (http://www.club3g.com/forum/showthread.php?t=78245). (link to another forum I frequent)

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: khagler on November 29, 2006, 04:41:13 pm
Speaking of cats, here's a photo I took last week:

http://www.orange-road.com/blog/2006/11/unusual_fisherman.html

(At least, I think it's supposed to be a cat...)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on November 29, 2006, 05:08:16 pm
Lo! Who is that, rampaging out of the cliffs! It is Securitysix, hands clutching a burning branch! And with an ominous bellow, his voice cometh:

"Blood and souls for my dark lord! You are made of meat and I am very hungry!!!"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on November 30, 2006, 07:33:56 pm
Q: What's the difference between a politician and a cockroach?

A: A politician makes a bigger mess when you squash it.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on November 30, 2006, 11:00:03 pm
Who did Uncle Sam marry any way?
 Betsy ross
 Aunt Jemima (my personal favorite, lots of buttons and angles)
 Betty Crocker


  Others?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on December 04, 2006, 06:21:48 pm
The Moral of Auntie Sharon

 A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get
 their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
 their stories.

 Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of
 egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a
basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the
road and all the Eggs got broken.

"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put
all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day
we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah."
Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon.

Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her
plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had
 was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on
the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle
 of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until she  ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete
until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral
 did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."



 
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on December 04, 2006, 07:01:36 pm
Oh my - CH, I love it!!  Reminds me of the Little Johnny jokes.  Here's one of my favorites.

The teacher asked the class to give a sentence using the work "beautiful".

Mary on the first row raised her hand.

"Yes, Mary"

Mary responds, "The flowers are beautiful in the springtime."

"Very good, Mary.  Now, Lisa, give me a sentence with the word beautiful."

Lisa says, "I think my mom is beautiful."

"That's very nice, Lisa."  Now all this time Little Johnny is jumping up and down in his desk with his hand raised.  The teacher had been avoiding him, but finally thought that there was no way he could say something vulgar about the word beautiful.  Finally she calls on him. 

"Johnny, go ahead and give us your sentence."

"My sister is pregnant."

"What does that have to do with the word beautiful?" asks the teacher.

"My dad's response was "Beautiful, just F&%king beautiful!"


:laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on December 05, 2006, 03:08:52 pm
For those of you that aren't familiar, I go to http://www.fark.com to get a lot of my news.  WHat you may or may not know is that Fark is famous for rewriting the headlines of the stories, usually with some kind of snarky comment.

For instance, a story about the New Orleans flooding causing sharks to move inland turned into:

Floodwaters send sharks inland. So beware of... hang on a sec, there's someone at the door


Or, a story about a repairman finding a skeleton under a house turns into:

Skeletal remains found under home by repairman. In other news, blonde wins hide-and-seek championship


Here's a thread with the top nominated headlines for the first quarter of 2006.

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2455352&thread_type=voteresults
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on December 07, 2006, 02:15:32 pm
Gotta love The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/56017
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on December 07, 2006, 02:52:38 pm
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: ksvanhorn on December 07, 2006, 11:57:53 pm
A linguistics professor is explaining how languages differ in their handling of double negatives.  "In Spanish, a double negative just reinforces the negative: 'no vi nada' means, literally, 'I didn't see nothing', and is grammatically correct Spanish.  In English, two negatives make a positive: 'It is not unlikely...' means 'it *is* likely'.  But there is no human language in which two positives make a negative."

From the back of the class a student skeptically replies, "Yeah, right."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: clarence on December 08, 2006, 02:45:49 am
 linky (http://apnews.myway.com//article/20061127/D8LLMGLO0.html)

clarence
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on December 08, 2006, 07:04:27 am
linky (http://apnews.myway.com//article/20061127/D8LLMGLO0.html)

clarence
They left out  my personal favorite "Very interesting. But not funny."  from Laugh In.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on December 08, 2006, 07:30:50 am
Regarding fark.com...

That reminds me of a local news program I used to listen to.  A very small deal, the station probably only covered ten or twenty square miles.  It was a preachin' station, but I really liked the way that the news guy "organized" his stories. 

For example, the very first time I heard it went something like, "property taxes will be raised by [x amount] starting in January to make up for this year's school budget shortfall.  State legislators and the governor have gone on record as saying 'it's not enough, but it's a step in the right direction.  Our children are our most important assets as a society... [blah blah blah].'" 

This was immediately followed by, "In other news, the three million dollar renovation of the governor's mansion is now complete...." :P
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on December 08, 2006, 07:37:59 am
   Yes, a perfect illustration of how government is able to black mail the masses into thinking that their babies are going to be left out on the streets if they don't "poney up"some more cash. I always thought it would be a good idea to counter the "If we don't raise taxes, school children will suffer..." with a widely distributed add campaign detailing "25 or 30 things the govenrment feels are more important than education".
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on December 08, 2006, 10:37:05 am
Continuing the Fark headlines:

Quarter 2

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2457999&thread_type=voteresults

An excerpt:  Over half of the men who buy deluxe 'sex dolls' work in IT.  Is it the dead eyes, the rubbery skin or the unusual smell that turns these dolls on?

And Quarter 3

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2460394&thread_type=voteresults

An excerpt: Explosion inside a Post cereal plant blows one unfortunate employee to Alphabits
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on December 08, 2006, 10:53:26 am
linky (http://apnews.myway.com//article/20061127/D8LLMGLO0.html)

clarence

Sit on it!- joanie cunningham-happy days.

Missed the list.

AAAyyy.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on December 08, 2006, 12:27:32 pm
And...........Quarter 4

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2463136&thread_type=voteresults

Excerpt: Maxim to open a chain of steak houses across the US. Beef will be under-fed and served with fake melons
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tin-Man on December 08, 2006, 01:22:45 pm
Over half of the men who buy deluxe 'sex dolls' work in IT.  Is it the dead eyes, the rubbery skin or the unusual smell that turns these dolls on?

:laugh:

Oh, thanks a lot.  Second time today my boss has given me that "what could *possibly* be so funny about those blueprints" look.

I bet Jac could provide some insight, though. :P
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on December 08, 2006, 01:24:42 pm
Over half of the men who buy deluxe 'sex dolls' work in IT.  Is it the dead eyes, the rubbery skin or the unusual smell that turns these dolls on?
I bet Jac could provide some insight, though. :P

LOL!!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on December 08, 2006, 04:34:56 pm
I laughed till I was in tears... Dare2 says she just feels dirty having witnessed it. LOL Pretty decent Bush impression though!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on December 08, 2006, 06:17:33 pm
Tomorrow night, you be the Border Patrol, and I'll be the illegal Mexican!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on December 08, 2006, 06:25:37 pm
Dare2 says she just feels dirty having witnessed it.

I feel dirty for having witnessed the real thing, not the parody!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on December 08, 2006, 06:30:52 pm
Yeah, the real thing is so much harder to deal with, I thought that as well. The spoof gives one some distance I guess.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on December 09, 2006, 08:07:11 am
An oldie but goodie: Viking Kittens (http://www.vikingkittens.com/)

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on December 09, 2006, 02:11:44 pm
Wit and Wisdom (http://www.dribbleglass.com/Jokes/homer-simpson.htm)

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on December 09, 2006, 02:39:59 pm
AUNT SHIRLEY
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!


Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Fish on December 11, 2006, 12:14:00 pm
For all you Role-Playing gamer geeks out there, this is for you.

WARNING: Do not read while drinking, as this will result in previously-mentioned liquid up your nose and on your keyboard/monitor.

Part 1: http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html

Part 2: http://theglen.livejournal.com/89715.html
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on December 12, 2006, 08:55:12 pm
For all you Role-Playing gamer geeks out there, this is for you.

WARNING: Do not read while drinking, as this will result in previously-mentioned liquid up your nose and on your keyboard/monitor.

Part 1: http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html

Part 2: http://theglen.livejournal.com/89715.html

What hurts is the Ideas you get as you go down the thread.  "Cats are not a weapon" and "dual wielding small furry creatures" are among the rules that make you go "Hmmmmm".  These lists are great for getting the creative juices going....... if you have gaming connections (superheros,d&d,Battletech, Larps too)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Phssthpok on December 12, 2006, 09:35:41 pm
Heh. Reminds me of The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo:

The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo
by Richard Aronson [aronson@sierratel.com]

In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game", and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games, he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer. Eric was playing a Neutral Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:


ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: [pause] It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: [pause] It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: [pause] I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: [pause] I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow. [roll to hit] What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: [pause] Wasn't it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!
ERIC: [whimper] But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: [long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.] I run away.
ED: [thoroughly frustrated] It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: [reaching for his dice] Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin.

At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have been worse; at least the gazebo wasn't on a grassy gnoll. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. A little vocabulary is a dangerous thing.

The above is Copyright © 1989 by Richard Aronson. Reprinted with permission. The author grants permission to reprint as long as all copyright notices remain with the text.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: henshawe on December 15, 2006, 03:48:40 pm
G'Day All,

7' python found in an Aussie ladies toilet! Jasus, Joseph, and Mary, seven fooking feet!!!

Obviously this will definatly be on the list of 'no thanks, I'd rather pass.' A situation of this sort would give a person a very serious thrill, or scare the shit out of you,  :laugh: especially for us guys, ya know our stones hanging down while enjoying our morning power dump.  :rolleyes:  :laugh:

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=29441&in_page_id=2

What a bunch of wild and crazy folks, eh?

Regards,

Americus

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on December 16, 2006, 06:59:35 am
Christmas Tequila Cookies

1 cup of dark brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)
1. Sample the Cuervo to check quality.   
 
2. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup, and drink.   
 
8. Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

3. Add one seaspoon of thugar.   Beat again.   At this point it's best
to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, so try another cup just in case.

10. Turn off the mixerer thingy.   Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of fried druit, pick the frigging fruit off
floor...

7. Mix on the turner.   If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
just pry it loose with a drewscriver.   
 
6. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

4. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.   
 
12. Check the Jose Cuervo.

17. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.   
 
12. Add one table.   

16. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.   Whatever you can find.
 
2. Greash the oven.

3. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. 
 
7.  Don't forget to beat off the turner. 
 
8.  Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on December 16, 2006, 11:13:20 am
Guilt trip your spouse about the old flame that turned up unexpectedly at the neighbor's Christmas party.  Badly lacerate finger while cutting a lime to flavor the Cuervo.  Sob unceasingly all the way to the ER, throw up on receptionist.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on December 17, 2006, 01:49:52 pm
Guilt trip your spouse about the old flame that turned up unexpectedly at the neighbor's Christmas party.  Badly lacerate finger while cutting a lime to flavor the Cuervo.  Sob unceasingly all the way to the ER, throw up on receptionist.

I shall prefer to believe this is another fine example of your fiction writing!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: MamaLiberty on December 17, 2006, 02:29:38 pm
Scientists at the Rand have created this model (http://users.net1plus.com/scottm/HomeComputer.jpg) to illustrate how a "home computer" could look like in the year 2004.

(Credit: Radley Balko (http://www.theagitator.com/archives/014578.php#014578))

Teletype and Fortrain? Good grief, even a computer dummy like me knows that one does not live by Basic alone... but Fortrain?  ML
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: MamaLiberty on December 17, 2006, 03:05:41 pm
Your distinct personality, The Benevolent Ruler might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. 

Benevolent ruler???? Scary! 

Scary? You got that right!! I'm supposed to be a "Prime Minister" type? Mama, the basic non-aggressor? Of course, most of the questions didn't fit me at all. This would have been different if NOTA had been part of the deal. LOL  ML

Your distinct personality, The Prime Minister  might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. You are a strategist who pursues the most efficient and logical path toward the realization of the goal that you perceive or visualize. You will often only associate with those people who can assist you in the implementation of your plan. Inept assistants may be immediately discarded as excess baggage. To do otherwise could be seen as inefficient and illogical. On the positive side, you can be rationally idealistic and analytically ideological. You can be a bold decision maker and risk taker who can move society ahead by years instead of minutes. On the negative side, you may be unmerciful, impatient, impetuous and impulsive. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: badmuggafugga on December 19, 2006, 10:35:35 am
For those of ya who don't follow the blog on Lew Rockwell.com:

http://www.franciswayland.org/bush.htm

A Dialogue Session With President Bush
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on December 19, 2006, 12:55:55 pm
The Discriminav:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdSaDbVj3t8
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on December 19, 2006, 06:20:50 pm
You pilots may appreciate some of these 'actual'(supposedly) aviation transmissions.  ^_^

-------------------------------------

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,

"Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

--------------------------------------------

When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.
Did you make it all by yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

--------------------------------------------------

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

----------------------------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

 
--------------------------------------------------

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

--------------------------------------------------

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Phssthpok on December 19, 2006, 07:42:57 pm
Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had
successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him
quickly and whispers:

"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now... Speak Spanish."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on December 19, 2006, 07:58:27 pm
You pilots may appreciate some of these 'actual'(supposedly) aviation transmissions.  ^_^

-------------------------------------

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,

"Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

--------------------------------------------

When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.
Did you make it all by yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

--------------------------------------------------

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

----------------------------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

 
--------------------------------------------------

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

--------------------------------------------------

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?


Most of these jokes are on page, like, 2, of this thread! :contract: :wacko: :skeptical: :shakehead: :hug: :thinking: :doh: :sign5: :sleepy2: :read2:


 :wave:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on December 19, 2006, 08:22:23 pm
Are you saying that, unlike the Silly Thread, the hallowed Twinkie Thread has no re-runs? 

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on December 19, 2006, 08:26:58 pm
Most of these jokes are on page, like, 2, of this thread!...

Those who cannot remember the post are condemned to repeat it.

That's OK, MamaLiberty just replied to one from Page 1.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on December 19, 2006, 09:06:21 pm
So I can't remember 835 posts or one that I read a year ago! I admit it! My memory is flawed.  But they're still funny darnit.  Geez. Try to please some of you people and bring a little humor into your lives............. :BangHead:

(http://img174.imageshack.us/img174/9079/image6px9.gif)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: MamaLiberty on December 20, 2006, 07:28:17 am
Those who cannot remember the post are condemned to repeat it.

That's OK, MamaLiberty just replied to one from Page 1.

Sorry about that! It was only after I posted that I realized there were 56 odd pages more to look at!! So far, I've only seen about 20 of them, but it's lots of fun. I make it a point to find something each day to give me a belly laugh.  :wub:  ML
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on December 20, 2006, 10:57:13 am
That's OK, MamaLiberty just replied to one from Page 1.

Sorry about that! It was only after I posted that I realized there were 56 odd pages more to look at!!

No, no, your reply was inherently silly and therefore entirely appropriate for this thread.

 :alien: :wacko: :angel10: :sign13: :wub: :sign13: :angel10: :wacko: :alien:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Basil Fishbone on December 20, 2006, 11:15:09 am
It being the holidays and all, I thought I'd post this.  Thought about putting it in one of the cooking threads, but nah.  I think they were into the hooch beforehand, I don't see any flour in the recipe even if it could have been completed.  Basil

Tequila Christmas Cake

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one
level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup
of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat
again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK.
Try another cup... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2
leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a
drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift
two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the
lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of
sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the
cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat
off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish
the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on December 20, 2006, 01:29:31 pm
Along the same vein:

Irish Fruitcake Recipe

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon Irish Whiskey

Preparation:

Sample the Irish Whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. 

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.  Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. 

Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. 

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.  Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. 

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt.  Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon.  Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.  Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again.  Go to the pub. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jack21221 on December 20, 2006, 05:44:06 pm
Weird Al interviews Jessica Simpson:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbOWQRTpyN8
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on December 22, 2006, 03:33:29 pm
Flying Spaghetti Monster cosmology (http://www.scienceagogo.com/news/strange_matter.shtml)
About 3/4 down the page.

Quote
According to one researcher, it's deeper layers have pockets of voids akin to; "Swiss cheese," covered with sheets and rods resembling that of "lasagna" and "spaghetti," all topped off with blobs of "meatball-like" thingies.

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on December 24, 2006, 10:36:39 am
Don't know if this has been posted elsewhere (perhaps, last minute gift ideas), but...

http://www.pistolwimp.com/media/55184/
Warning: Adult content

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Phssthpok on December 25, 2006, 10:58:13 am
The underapreciated art of the Snowman (http://www.drurywriting.com/david/05-SnowmanArt.htm)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on December 26, 2006, 04:23:37 pm
In the spirit of the season, a couple of South Park classics:

Kyles Lonely Jew Song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jl71CktK9BM)
The Spirit of Christmas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGojqTUZtPA&NR)

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: ShortyDawkins on December 31, 2006, 05:32:58 pm
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Yup, I did.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on January 01, 2007, 11:27:44 am
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Yup, I did.

My mother always told me I would turn into a girl if I kissed my elbow.  So I wondered... if I ever had a major compound fracture of my humerus.....

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: da gooch on January 02, 2007, 03:05:31 pm
Didn't try the elbow but ya caught me on the scroll back up to see #9 bit.

I turned out to be a "White Knight"

Yippeee

Now where did I leave that buckler .....?

gooch
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on January 02, 2007, 06:46:10 pm
Tried to lick my elbow and neglected the missing 9.  Haven't given up on the elbow, though.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on January 03, 2007, 05:01:04 am
I tried, successfully, to lick Mrs.27 elbow.  Does that count?  :mellow:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on January 03, 2007, 06:43:48 am
Big deal, I've done that a whole bunch of times.

[It may be a while before anyone hears from me again!]
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on January 03, 2007, 08:52:43 am
I tried, successfully, to lick Mrs.27 elbow. Does that count? :mellow:

I'd say you missed.

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: La Touche on January 03, 2007, 12:23:34 pm
FlyingDevildog

Shoot man I kinda like the one about Monopoly Money, but the sad facts are,
that not only do they print more, it’s worth more.    (http://www.pcabusers.com/forums/images/icons/dufus.gif)


L.T.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on January 03, 2007, 01:24:53 pm
Coke and mentos mortar -- oooh, those pesky krauts and their engineering skills!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL-_R5Y71L8

 :notworthy: :thumbsup: :idea1: :headbang: :notworthy:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 03, 2007, 02:11:45 pm
PSM, you licked Mrs.27's elbow?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: cowardly lion on January 03, 2007, 02:42:51 pm
From PSM: Coke and Mentos mortar   :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

Holy crackers, that looks like fun!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL-_R5Y71L8

PK, next time you're down we may have to try this  :laugh:

cl
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on January 03, 2007, 05:45:55 pm
I tried, successfully, to lick Mrs.27 elbow. Does that count? :mellow:

I'd say you missed.

Kent
:doh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: da gooch on January 03, 2007, 08:28:03 pm
 :sign10:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Phssthpok on January 03, 2007, 10:49:09 pm
1960's study on the effects of various drugs on the web-building of spiders. (http://break.com/index/effect_of_drugs_and_alcohol_on_spider_webs.html)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on January 04, 2007, 09:31:22 am
I just keep watching that video over and over again.   :laugh:

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on January 04, 2007, 05:42:36 pm


 
 
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were
little:
 
Once upon a time



in a land far away,
   
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
 
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
 
 
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
 
 
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
 
and then, my sweet, we can marry
 
 
and set up housekeeping in your castle
 
 
with my mother,
 
 
where you can prepare my meals,
 
 
clean my clothes, bear my children,

 
and forever feel
 
grateful and happy doing so. "

 
That night,
 
as the princess dined sumptuously
 
on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
A nd onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
 
I don't think so.


 :ph34r:OOOOOWWWWWW!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on January 05, 2007, 02:17:45 pm
A translator that will translate from English to 12 year old AOLer speak.

http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on January 05, 2007, 03:40:38 pm
A translator that will translate from English to 12 year old AOLer speak.

Quote
IF DA CASH SARVAS AS A 2KEN SYMBOL R3PRESENTNG AN UNFINISH3D 3XCHANG3 OF WAALTH TH3N ALTHOUGH TWO PARTEIS R SATISFEID 2 ACEPT CASH IN A TRAED DA CUR3NCY NONETHELES R3PRES3NTS AN UNFINISHED 3XCHANGE OF WAALTH--BUT WIT R3SP3CT 2 DA ANTIER COMUNITY OF P3OPL3 USNG TEH CURENCY!!1!1! OMG LOL THES SI TRUE 3VEN WH3N PRECIOS M3TALS R UESD AS CURENCY B/C IN SUCH TRANSACTIONS TEH M3TALS S3RVE AS 2K3N SYMBOLS RAPR3SANTNG UNFINISHAD AXCHANG3S OF WAALTH!1!1!11!! OMG WTF LOL

Sorry, Shevek.  ^_^

I am going to the special hell.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on January 06, 2007, 05:58:42 pm
A translator that will translate from English to 12 year old AOLer speak.

Quote
IF DA CASH SARVAS AS A 2KEN SYMBOL R3PRESENTNG AN UNFINISH3D 3XCHANG3 OF WAALTH TH3N ALTHOUGH TWO PARTEIS R SATISFEID 2 ACEPT CASH IN A TRAED DA CUR3NCY NONETHELES R3PRES3NTS AN UNFINISHED 3XCHANGE OF WAALTH--BUT WIT R3SP3CT 2 DA ANTIER COMUNITY OF P3OPL3 USNG TEH CURENCY!!1!1! OMG LOL THES SI TRUE 3VEN WH3N PRECIOS M3TALS R UESD AS CURENCY B/C IN SUCH TRANSACTIONS TEH M3TALS S3RVE AS 2K3N SYMBOLS RAPR3SANTNG UNFINISHAD AXCHANG3S OF WAALTH!1!1!11!! OMG WTF LOL

Sorry, Shevek.  ^_^

I am going to the special hell.


Yes you are, and I will come to visit regularly with my ice cream cones from heaven and eat them in front of you, I believe the devil would make a special exception to increse your punishment.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Lazarus Long on January 07, 2007, 10:10:32 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APx2YJ-_jos

Fe-Fi, Fo-Fama!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jguy101 on January 08, 2007, 10:22:53 pm
How can we stop global warming?

(http://www.maj.com/gallery/COTK/Random/pirates.png)

By becoming pirates, of course.

Now, I'll get me a ship, set asea, and find meself a fine wench. Arrgh.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: da gooch on January 08, 2007, 10:43:14 pm
How can we stop global warming?

http://www.maj.com/gallery/COTK/Random/pirates.png

By becoming pirates, of course.

Now, I'll get me a ship, set asea, and find meself a fine wench. Arrgh.

You mean to tell me that there are 16 other pirates working in this neighborhood?
No wonder I can't make a "capture" lately ....

RATS ! great fat fuzzy rats ......  grumble grumble
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on January 15, 2007, 09:17:59 am
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are
orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't,
why you should.

You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit.
If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on January 17, 2007, 07:52:14 pm
For the Star Wars fans

http://moviesandmusic.wordpress.com/2007/01/12/what-really-happened-after-the-death-star-blew-up/

This is freaking funny, but to me the best is the very end  :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: La Touche on January 18, 2007, 03:52:25 am
NEW STANDARD DRESS CODE FOR FIELD AGENTS OF THE UNITED STATES BORDER PATROL SERVICE

EFFECTIVE FEBUARY 15, 2007
By order of the President of the United States, and the Department of Homeland Security, at the request of our most favored trade partner the nation of Mexico.

All Border Patrol Agents will report to work wearing the new style uniforms beginning February  15th 2007.

It has been brought to the Presidents attention, that the currant style of dress by our border agents, presents an image of intimidation, and racism to the good citizens of Mexico, who frequently cross our nations southern borders to do jobs that Americans won’t do.

We as a kind and compassionate neighbor, to one of our strongest allies in the war on terrorism, have chosen to comply with the request submitted by Vicente Fox at the Texas Summit, that was agreed to, and signed in 2006 at the Crawford Ranch in Texas last Summer.

Furthermore there has been an additional change in the equipment that the Border Patrol Agents, are allowed to carry, while on the job.  “Below are two list“ In the first list, are the items that the Border Patrol Agents are required to carry, and  in the second is a list of “Unauthorized items that the Agents are strictly forbidden to carry.

Any Border Patrol Agent found in violation of the new dress code, and or the possession of any unauthorized equipment, will be subject to arrest, loss of job, and all benefits, a ($15.000.00) fine, and incarceration in a Federal Correctional Facility, for not less than (20) twenty years at hard labor.

AUTHORISED ITEMS LIST
*1. A canteen of drinking water, attached to the belt, and 15 gallons of spring water, in your vehicle.
*2. A map of the United States, written in Spanish.
*3. A bag of 12 fresh Burritos, 8 cans of re-fried beans, and 1 pkg of Tortillas (20 count)
*4. One case of baby diapers,  that’s 1 case of each size available, and 10 containers of baby wipes.
*5. One case of dried powdered baby formula, and 2 cases of new still in their wrapper plastic baby bottles.
*6. A Spanish language phone directory for the area you are patrolling.

UN-AUTHORISED ITEMS LIST
*1. Handguns.
*2. Rifles.
*3. Shotguns
*4. Any ammunition.
*5. Knifes, hatchets, swords, machetes, fingernail files, box cutters, sharp pencils, rocks (etc.)
*6. Two Way Radios, or Cell Phones, or any other kind of communication devices.
*7. Binoculars, spotting scopes, or night vision equipment.
*8. Handcuffs, plastic tie wraps, rope, wire.

A word about the new uniforms, and their design, and style

The office of Home Land Security, chose a style of uniform, that will appear less intimidating, and threatening to our special foreign visitors, and guest. It is rugged, yet comfortable, and most eye pleasing, this Ultimate Politically Correct design, was rated as number one, in a survey of 10.000 local citizens in the city where our contractors manufacturing plant is located (San Francisco CA.) and the President feels it is in good taste, and appropriate for the job he wants done on our southern borders.

(http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b262/TDooley/XXAXBBB.jpg)


      (http://members.iinet.net.au/~vroncol/Smiley_gifs/evil_laugh.gif) 
La Touché 


 

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: da gooch on January 18, 2007, 12:27:06 pm
LaTouche'

You mean to tell me that they are NOT allowed to carry $2000 dollars US to trade/exchange for Pesos or "controlled substances" any longer?

Now that's unamurikun....
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: canaan on January 18, 2007, 02:09:43 pm
From an unlikely source I found.....

"    NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.
    Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

    At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'

    'When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more profound statement ever made by the president."


http://gloriabrame.typepad.com/




It should come as no surprise that the powers that be have problems with MATH as is evidenced by our nation's financial situation...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on January 20, 2007, 11:27:50 pm
NEW STANDARD DRESS CODE FOR FIELD AGENTS OF THE UNITED STATES BORDER PATROL SERVICE

EFFECTIVE FEBUARY 15, 2007
By order of the President of the United States, and the Department of Homeland Security, at the request of our most favored trade partner the nation of Mexico.

All Border Patrol Agents will report to work wearing the new style uniforms beginning February  15th 2007.

It has been brought to the Presidents attention, that the currant style of dress by our border agents, presents an image of intimidation, and racism to the good citizens of Mexico, who frequently cross our nations southern borders to do jobs that Americans won’t do.

...
Hole Schneikees. Some ill-Eagle imagrunt smuggled a whole pailful of commas across the border and illegally dumped them in the above memo.
Find 'em. Hold 'em, on charges, of illegal, dumping,.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: La Touche on January 21, 2007, 01:24:11 am
NEW STANDARD DRESS CODE FOR FIELD AGENTS OF THE UNITED STATES BORDER PATROL SERVICE

EFFECTIVE FEBUARY 15, 2007
By order of the President of the United States, and the Department of Homeland Security, at the request of our most favored trade partner the nation of Mexico.

All Border Patrol Agents will report to work wearing the new style uniforms beginning February  15th 2007.

It has been brought to the Presidents attention, that the currant style of dress by our border agents, presents an image of intimidation, and racism to the good citizens of Mexico, who frequently cross our nations southern borders to do jobs that Americans won’t do.

...
Hole Schneikees. Some ill-Eagle imagrunt smuggled a whole pailful of commas across the border and illegally dumped them in the above memo.
Find 'em. Hold 'em, on charges, of illegal, dumping,.

Hole Schneikees. Some ill-Eagle imagrunt smuggled a whole painful of commas across the border and illegally dumped them in the above memo.
Find 'em. Hold 'em, on charges, of illegal, dumping,.

Hay!
I’ll gladly surrender to the punctuation police, if you’ll surrender to the spelling police. (http://www.gipfeltreffen.at/images/smilies/smiley_daumen.gif)


La Touché 
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Kirsten on January 22, 2007, 01:49:19 pm
*
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on January 22, 2007, 02:50:09 pm
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Kirsten!  Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for posting a link twice in the same thread.  You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Kirsten on January 22, 2007, 03:03:41 pm
*
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on January 22, 2007, 04:42:21 pm
You know you love Final Fantasy.  It's okay.  I won't make you say it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPutYwiiE0o
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Kirsten on January 24, 2007, 01:58:11 pm
*
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Fish on January 25, 2007, 12:14:19 pm
A translator that will translate from English to 12 year old AOLer speak.

http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html


Here's a small history lesson for you all, courtesy of Academic Decathlon.

Quote
MAO ZEDONGS PRA-AMIENNCE WAS SO POW3RFUL TAHT HIS2RIANS TEND 2 SP3AK OF CHINA IN DA LAST TWENTEITH CANTURY AS DIVIEDD IN2 A MAOIST PERIOD TAHT LASTAD UNTIL 1976 AND A POST-MAO ONE TAHT BGAN AT TAHT POINT!!1!11 OMG WTF LOL Y3T IN SPIET OF HIS RANOWN MAOS POW3R WAS NEVER ABSOLUT3!!1!1 WTF LOL IF 3MPARORS WER3 CONSTRANE3D IN PART BY DA WISHES OF OTH3R MEMBRS OF TEH ROYAL FMILEY MAO WAS CONSTRANEED BY DA WISHES OF OTHAR VET3RAN MEMBRS OF DA CP WHO HAD H3LP TEH PARTY RIES 2 POW3R!11!1 WTF FOR DURNG AL BUT TEH FINAL Y3ARS OF HIS RULE MAO NEDED 2 MUSTAR SUPORT FOR HIS POLICEIS FROM WITHIN TEH PARTYS FORMAL DECISION-MAKNG BODEIS!11!1!1!1 LOL MORAOVER FROM TEH MID-1950S UNTIL HIS DEATH DA CHAREMANS ABILITY 2 IMPOSA HIS WIL ON TEH COUNTRY WAEXD AND WAEND!!!!1!!1 OMG WTF LOL AT TIEMS OPOSITION 2 MAO MONG DA PARTY L3AEDRSHIP FORCED MAO IN2 QUASI-RETIERMANT!1!!!!! OMG WTF LOL WHIEL N3V3R PURG3D OR UNS3AETD HA WAS FROM TIEM 2 TIEM 3CLIPS3D SHUNT3D IN2 TEH BAKGROUND AND THAN HAD 2 MAENUVAR 2 REASERT HIS PRIMACY THROUGH VARIOS MEANS!111!11 OMG WTF

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on January 25, 2007, 03:51:22 pm
TCFer/Freedom Outlaw/Gulch squirrels.


(http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u175/Mordaxt/squirrelswithguns2.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on January 25, 2007, 03:54:21 pm
OMG!  While I love the overall theme - it is still very, very disturbing that someone thought to do that.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on January 26, 2007, 04:37:57 pm
The ultimate "Page Not Found" response (http://www.botkin.org/dale/picmicro.htm)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on January 27, 2007, 10:56:08 am
It's really really not a good idea to attempt to snort cocaine from the seat of a self-cleaning toilet:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5ul7prwoiM&eurl=
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on January 28, 2007, 11:26:26 pm
Morvo the Devourer (http://www.myspace.com/morvo_devourer)

(http://a945.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/44/m_080dda6e1ddec11d3dfb58a658b68b50.jpg)

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on January 29, 2007, 03:18:20 pm
  Redneck Man's pick up lines
          1) Did you fart?
          Cuz you blew me away.
       
          2) Are yer parents retarded?
          Cuz ya sure are special.
       
          3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
          I can't hold it in.
       
          4) Do you have a library card?
          cuz I'd like to sign you out.
       
          5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
          cuz I can see myself in em.
       
          6) If you in I were Squirrels,
          I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
       
          7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only
        a  light switch away.
       
          8 ) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
          Woman - "WHAT?"
          Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
       
       
          9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
          but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
       
          10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
          I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
       
          11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
       
          12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til
        afternoon.
       
          and.... the best for last!
       
          13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
          every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.


I know - they're awful.  My only defense is that at least I didn't come up with them  :)
       
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on January 29, 2007, 06:19:12 pm
I can only bring myself to laugh at #8, Dare2.  The others are good, but #8 is awesome.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Phssthpok on January 29, 2007, 06:53:50 pm
Your challence, should you choose to accept it, is to watch this (http://www.theneweditor.com/index.php?/archives/4917-This-Will-Make-You-Laugh.html) WITHOUT laughing.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on January 29, 2007, 09:17:31 pm
Your challence, should you choose to accept it, is to watch this (http://www.theneweditor.com/index.php?/archives/4917-This-Will-Make-You-Laugh.html) WITHOUT laughing.

Even in America, even in southern America, I can't believe that's what we're calling entertainment now.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on January 30, 2007, 11:08:57 am
Your challence, should you choose to accept it, is to watch this (http://www.theneweditor.com/index.php?/archives/4917-This-Will-Make-You-Laugh.html) WITHOUT laughing.

Even in America, even in southern America, I can't believe that's what we're calling entertainment now.

You mean the "entertainment" the professional was attempting to provide?  That was stunningly lame, but as for Laughing Guy, he almost gave my wife an asthma attack.  Why can't we get him invited to be in the audience at the State of the Union address?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on January 30, 2007, 12:37:09 pm
He DID have an unusual laugh, but I didn't crack a smile. And I laugh out loud all the time if the joke is good.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Phssthpok on January 30, 2007, 07:42:52 pm
He survived (and smelled better) but...



He was not a happy kitty. (http://omgimageek.com/misc/flvplayer.swf?file=/misc/kitty.flv&autoStart=false)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mr_duh on January 30, 2007, 07:54:03 pm
Most funny comic. Ze stoopeed politeecians.

http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2007/01/28/
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on January 31, 2007, 04:51:45 pm
Some Groundhog's day humor. Hilarious!

http://www.joecartoon.com/pages/groundhog_anim
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Kirsten on January 31, 2007, 10:12:54 pm
*
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Kirsten on January 31, 2007, 10:27:34 pm
*
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on February 01, 2007, 09:48:07 am
Look up "zoot suit" and "Rebo and Zootie"  One is a historical item, the other is a comedy team.  It mat not give you a definition, but maybe a concept.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on February 01, 2007, 10:37:26 am
Sheesh.  It's not like I didn't know Claire had a blog or something like that...

P.S. What's a zoot?
ZOOT:  Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours.  We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us!  Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear....
--Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on February 01, 2007, 01:45:56 pm
Mr. Deity (http://www.mrdeity.com/)

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on February 04, 2007, 08:23:49 pm
He survived (and smelled better) but...



He was not a happy kitty. (http://omgimageek.com/misc/flvplayer.swf?file=/misc/kitty.flv&autoStart=false)
I bet he can't get that cat in there twice...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on February 05, 2007, 06:39:31 pm
Which Science-Fiction Writer are you?

http://paulkienitz.net/skiffy.html
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on February 05, 2007, 07:56:09 pm
Ursula K. Le Guin (???) evidently highly respected, and something of a Beatnik (I can see that...). Cool, but now i have to find something of her's to read to see if the quiz is any 'count.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: da gooch on February 05, 2007, 08:23:08 pm

Gregory Benford

Hmmm ....
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on February 05, 2007, 08:32:22 pm
John Brunner

His best known works are dystopias -- vivid realizations of the futures we want to avoid.



M'kay.  Never heard of him.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on February 05, 2007, 09:06:24 pm
I got the Old Man himself... :icon_pirat:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: kel on February 05, 2007, 09:55:27 pm
Philip Jose Farmer. Now I have to find out who that is.


edit: Apparently he is the guy credited with bringing sex to mainstream sci-fi. And inter-demensional-trans-species sex at that. Dammit, I am trying to save money for a trip. I just spent $180 on books last month! Must resist books!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Kirsten on February 05, 2007, 09:58:36 pm
*
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: ShortyDawkins on February 05, 2007, 10:16:02 pm
Hal Clement (Harry C. Stubbs)
A quiet and underrated master of "hard science" fiction who, among other things, foresaw integrated circuits back in the 1940s.


I'm not familiar with him.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jguy101 on February 06, 2007, 12:57:14 am
And I got Arthur Clarke.  Guess I should find out who that is.   :huh:
Heh, got him too.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: SgtBigG on February 06, 2007, 03:52:52 am
Ayn Rand, I think I've heard of her.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on February 06, 2007, 09:03:59 am
And I got Arthur Clarke.  Guess I should find out who that is.   :huh:
2001: A Space Odyssey Of Boredom, among other things. Also lent his name to a few certain orbits.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Phssthpok on February 06, 2007, 05:49:56 pm
You know.... this (http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=21845) would be funny if it weren't so close to the truth.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on February 07, 2007, 11:18:38 am
(http://img361.imageshack.us/img361/6262/20061106wm2pk3.gif)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Lazarus Long on February 08, 2007, 02:53:23 pm
Huh...

Hal Clement (Harry C. Stubbs)
A quiet and underrated master of "hard science" fiction who, among other things, foresaw integrated circuits back in the 1940s.

I'm not familiar with him.

Ditto,

and,

ditto.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on February 12, 2007, 10:50:48 am
Ok......which TCFer's grandmother is this?

http://www.geekarmy.com/funny/Grammas-Packin-Heat.html

...shoot him in the toodles.  :lol:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on February 12, 2007, 10:56:39 am
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Outstanding!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on February 12, 2007, 11:48:47 am
Alright, PSM... Have at it. (http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php?id=747)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: da gooch on February 12, 2007, 01:45:50 pm
Alright, PSM... Have at it. (http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php?id=747)

EYE don't get it ...
{tongue firmly in his cheek ...}

It said "Don't Push the Red Button"  so I didn't ....
{looking out from under his "sheeple" disguise...}



Cute time killer there Jac even stuffy old Me got a laugh.
Thanks ....
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on February 12, 2007, 01:50:23 pm
Ooh!  It's like it was made just for me!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on February 12, 2007, 01:54:02 pm
There... now you don't have to push the real one. Fresnoans can live without fear.

This (http://crfh.net/d/20040711.html) is about how I see it going down... the guy in the tux is JDW. :P
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on February 12, 2007, 02:23:15 pm
Jac, I think you may be on to something.

And, I think they conveniently forgot this part (http://crfh.net/d/20040712.html) out of their recollection of what happened that fateful night...

I don't remember them ever mentioning any monkeys.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Phssthpok on February 12, 2007, 05:02:00 pm
(http://www.club3g.com/forum/images/smilies/runaway.gif)IT'S  THE END OF THE WORLD!!! (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end.php)(http://www.club3g.com/forum/images/smilies/runaway.gif)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on February 14, 2007, 08:30:10 am
Mike, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his Anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the Driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Mike got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, And sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the Middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, And took the box into the house.  She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale,

Mike is not yet well enough to have visitors.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on February 19, 2007, 05:27:29 am
Here's one for computer geeks (and those who know computer geeks). 

Code Monkey (http://youtube.com/watch?v=v4Wy7gRGgeA)

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on February 19, 2007, 05:30:02 am
Speaking of Monkeys, here is a Trunk Monkey Compilation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8avOiTUcD4Y).  Enjoy!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jguy101 on February 19, 2007, 03:44:52 pm
http://www.degredo.net/

^_^
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on February 20, 2007, 03:33:16 am
Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription is.. more cowbell! (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=71770844627024590)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on February 22, 2007, 04:26:13 pm
A  cartoon  (http://bigeyedeer.wordpress.com/2007/02/22/a-cartoon-that-could-end-the-war-in-iraq/) that could end the war in Iraq…
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: oldmouse on February 23, 2007, 01:39:23 am
why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: oldmouse on February 23, 2007, 01:42:45 am
cuz he was dead
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on February 23, 2007, 06:21:02 pm
oldmouse - that is my favorite joke ever....    I heard that when I was in jr. high from my best friend and it's probably the one joke that I have never forgotten.  Thanks for the laugh!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on February 23, 2007, 06:22:52 pm
I just got the link for the BHM newsletter.  Has neat stuff as always, but if you scroll all the way to the bottom you will see their jokes section.  The last one is about one of the things we hate almost as much as government and politicians..... telemarketers who call during dinner   :violent5:

http://www.backwoodshome.net/nl/nl0702.html
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on February 23, 2007, 06:25:44 pm
One of my favorite jokes that I heard somewhere when I was about 7 years old:

Two blonds walk into a bar...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

You'd think one of them would've seen it. :rolleyes:

(No offense intended to whoever blonds may be present :P )
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on February 23, 2007, 08:03:57 pm
One of my favorite T-Shirts...

"It's a Blonde Thing... Even I Don't Get It."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: kel on February 24, 2007, 01:05:22 am
First time I heard the monkey joke was in jr. high, in science class, as told by Mike Brown. About 1984 or so. Still makes me smile. ^_^
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Alien on February 24, 2007, 02:12:41 am
Here you go, a really cool series of videos spoofing Star Wars. What if Vader had a little brother, named Chad, who was the day-manager of a super-market, called Empire Market? 

Check out "Chad Vader- Day Shift Manager."  Hilarious! 

Customer: "I bought these chips and they're stale."

Chad Vader: Yeeesss, I can feel your anger.  It is strong inside you ...  Strike me down with your hate, and claim your refund!"

Chad Vader Episode I:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wGR4-SeuJ0&mode=related&search=

Chad Vader Episode II

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPVlljVWqBg&mode=related&search=

Chad Vader Episode III

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rK5RoZm-2Y4&mode=related&search=

Chad Vader Episode VI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogIqayRDr4w&mode=related&search=

Chad Vader Episode V (Holiday Special)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAkOfoI3SpE&mode=related&search=

Chad Vader Episode VI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmDf6SnTVxg&mode=related&search=



Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: oldmouse on February 25, 2007, 01:40:18 am
A horse walks into a bar
the bartender looks at him and says "why such a long face"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on February 25, 2007, 09:59:24 am
A Priest, a Rabbi, a Blond, and a midgit with a duck under his arm walk into a bar...
The bar falls silent...
   The priest orders a wine spritzer, the Rabbi orders a Sam Addams, the Blond orders a strawberry Daiquiri, the midget orders a Bud Light and a shot of whiskey, and a packet of toasted corn for the duck. They gradually fall into quiet conversation, the midgit and the priest watch the end of a basket ball game, while the blond calls her boyfriend the lawyer on her cell phone to see where he is.
   "He had to work late." she informed the Rabbi, who nodded and said, "He's been doing that a lot lately hasn't he?"  "Yes" said the Blond, "But it's a new job, and the Boss really likes his work. He's trying hard to get out of divorce cases into something more meaningfull."
  The Bar Tender comes over, sweating slightly... "Can I get you folks anything else?"
  "No thanks" said the Blond " I need to get home "Me too." said the midgit and the Priest. They all say good byes and leave. People slowly begin to stir, then suddenly the Bar Tender stiffens in alarm as he sees the duck walk out from the restrooms. The Midget hurries in swearing lightly under his breath,  "THERE you are..."  He scoops up the duck and heads to the door. "Almost forgot my duck!" he calls over his shoulder, "See Ya' Charlie!"
   "Yeah... see.. ya...." the Bar tender says timidly.
    The Bar breathes out as one great lung.
   "What was that all about?" asked a guy at the bar
    "I don't know" Said the Bar Tender "Things are usually a lot more interesting when those guys show up..."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Wyomiles on February 26, 2007, 03:59:54 am
Or the bartender says " I don't know ,must have been some sort of joke. "
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: oldmouse on February 26, 2007, 04:18:05 pm
TODAYS HEADLINE

"SUICIDAL TWIN KILLS SISTER BY MISTAKE."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on March 16, 2007, 09:03:24 pm
Just in case you don't understand how a "Government" program works, here is a perfect example: 

 The Night Watchman

 Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

 Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person at $18,000 a year for the job.

 Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions for $22,000, and one person to do time studies for an additional $22,000 per year.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly? So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies for $31,000 and one to write the reports for an additional $31,000 per year.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper for $35,000 annual salary, and a payroll officer for an additional $35,000, then hired two people.

 Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer at $155,000 per year, Assistant Administrative Officer $125,000, and a Legal Secretary for an additional $100,000 per year.

 Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year with a budget cost of $574,000.00 and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost."

 So they laid off the night watchman.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on March 23, 2007, 09:22:02 pm
Hal Clement (Harry C. Stubbs)
A quiet and underrated master of "hard science" fiction who, among other things, foresaw integrated circuits back in the 1940s.


I'm not familiar with him.

Me too.  Not familiar?  I'd recommend Mission of Gravity,  which has about the most unusual planet I've ever encountered in fiction.

Quote
Ursula K. Le Guin (Huh) evidently highly respected, and something of a Beatnik (I can see that...). Cool, but now i have to find something of her's to read to see if the quiz is any 'count.

The Dispossessed,  which if I'm remembering right is where Shevek got his handle.

Quote
John Brunner

His best known works are dystopias -- vivid realizations of the futures we want to avoid.



M'kay.  Never heard of him.

Stand On Zanzibar comes to mind,  for one,  and The Sheep Look Up,  both of which I'm pretty sure I have in my collection.  Avoid Report From Probabilty A in which absolutely NOTHING happens during the course of the whole book.  Cryptozoic is a bit of a mind-bender,  as well.

Quote
And I got Arthur Clarke.  Guess I should find out who that is.

I'd HIGHLY recommend Childhood's End,  which I've read only a couple of times and none of them what you could call recently but which has in it some of the most long-lasting images I've ever encountered in my reading over the years.  It could be that some of this is where my head was at when I encountered them,  but...

Quote
Must resist books!

There's no such thing as too many books!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on March 25, 2007, 08:44:48 am
Ask a Ninja on You Tube...  :ph34r:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO_u-knoehM&NR

There are several of these, some funnier than others, but so far all gave me a laugh.  Here is Question #12, "Can Ninjas catch a cold?"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jguy101 on March 25, 2007, 11:39:26 am
I've been a faithful Ask A Ninja fan for almost a year now, but I've never seen that episode before. It was one of the best, IMO. And, I happen to have a Mad Bomber hat, so...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on March 25, 2007, 03:56:55 pm
This is trippy.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8018661938543841664&q=illusion&pl=true
Disney uses this effect in their Haunted Mansion.  Very shiny.

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on March 25, 2007, 07:17:07 pm
I've always wondered: what's the difference between a scallion and a rapscallion?  And is a rapscllion different from a hiphopscalion?   :huh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on March 25, 2007, 08:46:54 pm
A rap scallion can be identified by its extensive bling.  A hiphopscallion's pants hang down below its waist.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: canaan on April 07, 2007, 05:45:11 pm

I don't know if this should be put under 'Politics" or humour, but here goes.

As we all know, Ms. Hillary (did she stop using her last name?) is running for the top office. She has raised an incredible amount of money.

She is a serious contender.

Now I know that many of you have issues with Ms Hillary, but in fairness, I offer up

The Case for Hillary

http://www.tittom.net/rats/cage/cage05.jpg



Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on April 07, 2007, 10:53:47 pm
Happy easter:

http://fidoguns.org/pictures/happyeaster.jpg

http://www.moosiesquiltfabric.com/fidoguns/happyeaster.jpg

:-)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on April 08, 2007, 08:05:50 am
I've posted this one before, but it's one of my all time favorites and holiday specific. Happy Easter.

Blondes & The Kingdom.......
 
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
 
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
 
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
 
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
 
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
 
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
 
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...
 
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
 
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
 
St. Peter fainted.
 
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on April 09, 2007, 08:45:29 am
Californians

   So as not to be outdone by all the redneck,
hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from
California if:

   1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none
are visible.

   2. You make over $400,000 and still can't afford
a house.

   3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people
carrying on conversation in English.

   4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple
hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

   5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

   6. You've been to a baby shower that has two
mothers and a sperm donor.

   7. You have a very strong opinion about where
your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the
difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian

   8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

   9. A really great parking space can totally move
you to tears.

   10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than
anywhere else in the U.S.

   11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at
Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who
looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

   12. Your car insurance costs as much as your
house payment.

     13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

   14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a
report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

   15. You pass an elementary school playground and
the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

   16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you
leave for work an hour early to avoid all the
weather-related accidents.

   17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

   18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

   19. The Terminator is your governor.

   20. If you drive illegally, they take your
driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want
to give you one.

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: rick on April 09, 2007, 10:27:12 am
Why are commies such dedicated fans of herbal tea?

They think proper tea is theft...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tharsei on April 09, 2007, 05:56:57 pm
Here's an awesome little cartoon that I think speaks to a lot of people here:

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2006/09/17
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: barkingowl on April 09, 2007, 06:48:39 pm
  Redneck Man's pick up lines
          1) Did you fart?
          Cuz you blew me away.
       
          2) Are yer parents retarded?
          Cuz ya sure are special.
       
          3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
          I can't hold it in.
       
          4) Do you have a library card?
          cuz I'd like to sign you out.
       
          5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
          cuz I can see myself in em.
       
          6) If you in I were Squirrels,
          I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
       
          7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only
        a  light switch away.
       
          8 ) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
          Woman - "WHAT?"
          Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
       
       
          9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
          but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
       
          10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
          I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
       
          11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
       
          12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til
        afternoon.
       
          and.... the best for last!
       
          13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
          every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.


I know - they're awful.  My only defense is that at least I didn't come up with them  :)
       

(http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2002-6/29571/spit.gif)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jac on April 09, 2007, 07:01:40 pm
Here's an awesome little cartoon that I think speaks to a lot of people here:

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2006/09/17
The PA guys are pretty funny... This one (http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2007/01/25), though, is really more sad than anything.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Tharsei on April 09, 2007, 07:09:44 pm
That one is also awesome.  I saw that one, Jac, after I posted the first one, and I thought about posting it, too, but then -- laziness hit.

Ah, well.
Title: ... and soon onlly outlaws will have nailguns
Post by: canaan on April 13, 2007, 11:49:31 am
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Take a nation of do-it-yourselfers, add a ready supply of cheap nailguns and what do you get? About 37,000 nailgun injuries a year, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
ADVERTISEMENT

Since 1991, nailgun injuries have risen about 200 percent, the
CDC said in its weekly report on death and disease.

"This increase likely corresponds to an increase in availability during the 1990s of inexpensive pneumatic nail guns and air compressors (to power the nail guns) in home hardware stores; however, no sales data are available for confirmation," the CDC reported.

But when the CDC looked at who was getting injured, it became clear that the number of work-related nailgun injuries had stayed stable since 1998. It was consumer-related injuries that had soared.

"During the 5-year period 2001-2005, an average of approximately 37,000 patients with injuries related to nail-gun use were treated annually in emergency departments, with 40 percent of injuries occurring among consumers," the report read.

Emergency departments treated three times as many consumers with nail-gun injuries in 2005 as they did in 1991, the report noted.

The CDC said more needs to be done to make consumers aware of the dangers.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070413/od_nm/injuries_nailguns_dc;_ylt=Anm6Tmeai32VY.rgZPtD9sAuQE4F


~~ my question is this, if 40 percent of those injured are consumers, who are the other 60 percent?
Title: Re: ... and soon onlly outlaws will have nailguns
Post by: Dull'Hawk on April 13, 2007, 11:53:24 am
~~ my question is this, if 40 percent of those injured are consumers, who are the other 60 percent?

Innocent victims of drive-by nail-gun shootings who have never purchased anything in their lives?

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Thunder on April 13, 2007, 12:15:21 pm
~~ my question is this, if 40 percent of those injured are consumers, who are the other 60 percent?


According to the article:

Quote
But when the CDC looked at who was getting injured, it became clear that the number of work-related nailgun injuries had stayed stable since 1998. It was consumer-related injuries that had soared.

"During the 5-year period 2001-2005, an average of approximately 37,000 patients with injuries related to nail-gun use were treated annually in emergency departments, with 40 percent of injuries occurring among consumers," the report read.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: canaan on April 13, 2007, 01:17:31 pm
i still like the idea of drive by nailgun shootings....
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on April 13, 2007, 02:50:12 pm
Makes me think of the t-shirt "Make something idiot proof and they'll come up with a better idiot."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on April 19, 2007, 10:26:04 pm
Your challence, should you choose to accept it, is to watch this (http://www.theneweditor.com/index.php?/archives/4917-This-Will-Make-You-Laugh.html) WITHOUT laughing.

I got as far as the "showman's" please stop!
Title: Re: ... and soon onlly outlaws will have nailguns
Post by: Rarick on April 19, 2007, 10:35:23 pm
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Take a nation of do-it-yourselfers, add a ready supply of cheap nailguns and what do you get? About 37,000 nailgun injuries a year, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
ADVERTISEMENT

Since 1991, nailgun injuries have risen about 200 percent, the
CDC said in its weekly report on death and disease.

"This increase likely corresponds to an increase in availability during the 1990s of inexpensive pneumatic nail guns and air compressors (to power the nail guns) in home hardware stores; however, no sales data are available for confirmation," the CDC reported.

But when the CDC looked at who was getting injured, it became clear that the number of work-related nailgun injuries had stayed stable since 1998. It was consumer-related injuries that had soared.

"During the 5-year period 2001-2005, an average of approximately 37,000 patients with injuries related to nail-gun use were treated annually in emergency departments, with 40 percent of injuries occurring among consumers," the report read.

Emergency departments treated three times as many consumers with nail-gun injuries in 2005 as they did in 1991, the report noted.

The CDC said more needs to be done to make consumers aware of the dangers.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070413/od_nm/injuries_nailguns_dc;_ylt=Anm6Tmeai32VY.rgZPtD9sAuQE4F


~~ my question is this, if 40 percent of those injured are consumers, who are the other 60 percent?

Hardcore craftsmen know as masochists :ph34r:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on May 04, 2007, 08:32:57 pm
The Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in government, education, and in corporate America , more advanced strategies are often employed in such situations, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3.Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Visiting other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5.Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead
horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.And of course . . .

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on May 04, 2007, 11:45:47 pm
Cat carrier. (http://www.metalworking.com/dropbox/cat.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: turnipgirl on May 05, 2007, 04:37:07 pm
 just happened today as a matter of fact, My hubby was outside cleaning up the dirt that monkey #1 and #2 have thrown around pretending it was confetti (that right there was pretty funny- but back to subject), when some friends of our turned down our street and stopped at the gate to talk about our dinner plans tomorrow.  Mind you, we are from America and Live in IT and our friends in question are Brits.

They chatted for a bit, talking about work and things like that, and hubby asked them why they didnt just call instead of driving all the way over, his reply in a bright, chipper british voice was to say "my darned phone went US on me."  At which point my hubby started laughing so hard- I of course didn't get it (seriously took be two years to get the monty python joke about ___ on the television- thats a whole  story in itself- but we wont go there).  So after they leave I as hubby to explain, evidently, whenever something wont work anymore they call it going US.
Title: Spotter Dog
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on May 08, 2007, 12:04:44 am
The post where I found this said:

Quote
In dogs, there are pointers, and then there are spotters.

Have a look here (http://ljplus.ru/img3/e/x/extel2/070507_dog.jpg) and see for yourself!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on May 12, 2007, 02:01:27 pm
Who would have ever thought a vacuum cleaner website would be so much fun!  Dyson Telescope Game (http://www.dyson.com/game/play.asp)

Kent
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on May 16, 2007, 12:09:57 pm
my inspiration (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on May 16, 2007, 01:38:03 pm
Who would have ever thought a vacuum cleaner website would be so much fun!  Dyson Telescope Game (http://www.dyson.com/game/play.asp)

Kent
Warning!!!
Do not play while drunk.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on May 16, 2007, 06:41:34 pm
Tinky Winky's eulogy for Jerry Falwell (http://patriotboy.blogspot.com/2007/05/eulogy-for-rev-falwell.html)

Warning: Not Work Friendly.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on May 17, 2007, 01:08:22 am
The sex is OK,  it's just the frequency...

Linky (http://observer.guardian.co.uk/world/story/0,,2073474,00.html)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Lark on May 17, 2007, 06:58:18 am
I'm just wondering if Mr. Bill is anything to Bill White?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on May 17, 2007, 10:37:08 am
I'm just wondering if Mr. Bill is anything to Bill White?

Are you asking about Mr. Bill myself, or Mr. Bill from Saturday Night Live?  And who is Bill White?

I do not grok.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on May 23, 2007, 11:21:06 pm
Climax simulator... (http://www.stupidstuff.org/main/orgasm.htm)

Try it!   :-)
Title: Too stupid not to be true
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on June 01, 2007, 12:00:50 am
(Not me,  a friend of mine...)

Subject: Give me a gun, and a bottle of Tequila...

I check my work email from home before I make my morning commute, so I can see what sort of maelstrom I'm about to walk into...

If you can guess by the subject of the post, this one is a doozy.


From: $user who for whatever reason came in on Monday when no one else was in the building.
To: IT Dept.
Re: A/C constantly running.

Hi Guys,

I came in today (Monday) to finish up a project I was working on before our big meeting with a potential client tomorrow, and I noticed that there were three or four large air conditioners running the entire time I was here. Since it's a three day weekend, no one is around, why do we need to have the A/C running 24/7? With all the power that all those big computers in that room use, I doubt it is really eco-friendly to run those big units at the same time. And all computers have cooling fans anyway, so why put the A/C for the building in that room? I got a keycard from $facilitiesmanager's desk and shut off the A/C units. I'm sure you guys can deal with it being warm for an hour or two when you come in tomorrow morning. In the future, let's try to be a little more conscientious of our energy usage.

Thanks.


RESULT:

Fatalities: Exchange Server, Domain Controllers, a few Sun boxes that I'm not sure of the usage.

Near-Fatalities: Phone Switch, Apps Servers.

Temperature of server room 7AM Tuesday Morning: 90 Degrees Fahrenheit.

Status of Employee who sent the above e-mail: Terminated.
Title: Re: Too stupid not to be true
Post by: wyvernfist on June 01, 2007, 05:31:45 am
Fatalities: Exchange Server, Domain Controllers, a few Sun boxes that I'm not sure of the usage.

Near-Fatalities: Phone Switch, Apps Servers.

Temperature of server room 7AM Tuesday Morning: 90 Degrees Fahrenheit.

Status of Employee who sent the above e-mail: Terminated.

Ouch. Talk about naive employees  :ph34r:.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on June 05, 2007, 05:21:44 am
A guy is walking down the street when someone steps out of an alley, shoves a gun in his ribs, and says, "Give me your money." 

The man replies, "You can't take my money, I'm a U.S. senator." 

The robber hesitates then jabs the senator harder in the ribs and says, "OK, give me my money."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on June 05, 2007, 11:59:43 am
Funny rant from the movie 'Chasing Amy' I just remembered and found.

Scene:  Comic book convention (black comic-writer is promoting his new comic):

----
Hooper: For years in this industry, whenever an African American character, hero or villain, was introduced - usually by white artists and writers - they got slapped with racist names that singled them out as Negroes. Now, my book, "Whitey-Hating Coon," don't have none of that bullshit. The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's descended from the black tribe that established the first society on the planet, while all you European motherfuckers were hiding out in caves and shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to. Cause I'm here to tell you, the chickens is coming home to roost, y'all. The black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the realm of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We keepin it real, and we gonna get respect by any means necessary.

Holden: Ah, come on, that's a bunch of horse shit! Lando Calrissian was a black guy. You know, and he got to fly the Millennium Falcon, what's the matter with you?

Hooper: Who said that?

Holden: I did! Lando Calrissian is a strong role-model in the realm of science fiction/fantasy.

Hooper: Fuck Lando Calrissian! Uncle-Tom nigger! Always some white boy gotta invoke the holy trilogy. Bust this: those movies are about how the white man keep the brother man down, even in a galaxy far, far away. Check this shit: You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god!

Banky Edwards: What's a Nubian?

Hooper: Shut the fuck up! Now... Vader, he's a spiritual brother, y'know, down with the force and all that good shit. Then this cracker, Skywalker, gets his hands on a light saber and the boy decides he's gonna run the fuckin' universe; gets a whole clan of whites together. And they go and bust up Vader's hood, the Death Star. Now what the fuck do you call that?

Banky Edwards: Intergalactic civil war?

Hooper: Gentrification! They gon' drive out the black element to make the galaxy 'safe' for white folks. And Jedi's the most insulting installment! Because Vader's beautiful black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty, old white man! They tryin' to tell us that deep inside we all wants to be white!

Banky Edwards: Well... isn't that true?
---
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Ted Nielsen on June 06, 2007, 12:28:31 am
FIVE RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who
cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who
doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and
who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't
know each other.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on June 07, 2007, 09:34:15 pm
A cocky Colorado Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.
He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
 
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."
 
The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of Colorado and I'll go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
 
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step.
 
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!
Title: "Shot Guard" Underwear Foils Freaky Photographers
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on June 17, 2007, 08:54:59 pm
Linky (http://inventorspot.com/new_shot_guard_underwear_infrared_protection_photographers)...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on June 20, 2007, 02:57:59 pm
The Swedish welfare state protects the disabled.

Man gets sick benefits for heavy metal addiction (http://www.thelocal.se/7650/)
Quote
A Swedish heavy metal fan has had his musical preferences officially classified as a disability. The results of a psychological analysis enable the metal lover to supplement his income with state benefits. ...

Because heavy metal dominates so many aspects of his life, the Employment Service has agreed to pay part of Tullgren's salary. His new boss meanwhile has given him a special dispensation to play loud music at work.

"I have been trying for ten years to get this classified as a handicap," Tullgren told The Local.

"I spoke to three psychologists and they finally agreed that I needed this to avoid being discriminated against." ...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jack21221 on June 20, 2007, 03:44:28 pm
I am going to do an open mic stand-up comedy night tonight. I have about 4 minutes of material or so... I've never gone on stage for stand-up comedy before. I also have never written down my set, and I tend to remember things better if I write them down. Instead of typing them into Wordpad or some such thing, I figured I'd do it in a place where people could see it and perhaps give some feedback.

Warning: Some graphic language and non-PC content ahead.

So, here it goes.

---------------------------------------------------------
Hey there, my name's Jack. It's been a little bit of a tough name to grow up with. Oh, it starts out innocently enough... The kids have me jumping over candle sticks... climbing up bean stalks, and rolling down the hill with Jill. A little later on, I'm a jack-ass... I don't know jack shit... in high school, I'm Jack Off. "What's your last name, Off? ha ha ha" Wow, that's amazing! Did you really just think of that by yourself? Wow... you should write that down, I mean... you should really be on stage like that. That's genius.

You can't say hi to me in an airport. Hi-Jack! (*mimes being wrestled down by TSA jackboots*) No, I mean... aah!


So I was at the gay pride festival this past Sunday.. Which also happened to be Father's Day. Isn't scheduling a gay pride festival on father's day kinda like scheduling an American Atheists meeting on Christmas Eve? How's that conversation go, anyways? "I'd love to go fishing with you on Father's Day, dad... But I'm gonna go ahead and put on a leather speedo, go downtown and watch a drag queen lip-synch to Shania Twain. Happy Father's Day, though"

Can you imagine me in a leather speedo? ((I weigh 230)) *shudders* I've actually lost about 40 pounds in the past year... But I'm done losing weight. I quit, because I've lost weight nearly everywhere... stomach... legs...  but not my tits. My tits are the same size as they were 40 pounds ago. So, I'm done... because that's something I do not want to find out about myself: That I'm a woman from the waist up. I don't want to have a nice flat stomach and 'A' cups.


I read an interesting article online a few weeks back. Turns out there is a scientific study that says oral sex causes throat cancer... (http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn11819 ) I'm not sure how much I believe that though. I mean really... If oral sex caused throat cancer, throat cancer would be the number one killer in the world! There'd be more people dying of throat cancer in Baltimore alone than there are dying of AIDS in Africa!

How many people here give oral sex?

.
.
.

Ok, of those people, how many have been diagnosed with throat cancer?

I rest my case.


So, any Asians here tonight? I love Asians... because no matter what they do in a school, they excel at it. Just take a look at the Virginia Tech killer. Not only did he set a new record... but he put together and entire multimedia presentation halfway through. I mean, leave it to an Asian to do school-work in the middle of a mass-murder. He's really set the bar high for us crazy white folk. I'm not sure how we're going to top that.

I was kinda suprised when I heard he used a gun, though. Usually when an Asian kills 30 people, it's with his Honda Civic.

((This last joke is optional, depends on the reaction to the VT killer joke. If I get a big laugh, I end it right there. If the crowd starts to turn on me, I add in this next little joke so I don't have to end on as bad of a note))

I read a church sign the other day that said "Road Rage? How would Jesus drive?" ...He'd probably drive like an Asian, don't you think? Because I don't think they had cars circa 16 AD...

Thank you all! Enjoy the rest of the show!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, what are the odds that I completley bomb with that set? What are the odds that I can kill?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dull'Hawk on June 20, 2007, 04:21:27 pm
I like it!  Don't judge the rest of humanity by my reaction, though.  :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: kiddo on June 20, 2007, 04:32:52 pm
Funny til the Asian/VT part. But, like DH, only my reaction.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jack21221 on June 20, 2007, 04:36:56 pm
Funny til the Asian/VT part. But, like DH, only my reaction.

In telling it to my friends, I've gotten one of two reactions on that joke. Either hystarical laughter, or stunned silence. It's about 50/50 so far. Nobody has been neutral on that joke.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on June 20, 2007, 10:43:06 pm
Quote
he put together and entire multimedia presentation halfway through. I mean, leave it to an Asian to do school-work in the middle of a mass-murder.

Hm.  I may be uninformed, but I honestly don't get it.  Schoolwork?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jack21221 on June 20, 2007, 11:15:27 pm
Quote
he put together and entire multimedia presentation halfway through. I mean, leave it to an Asian to do school-work in the middle of a mass-murder.

Hm.  I may be uninformed, but I honestly don't get it.  Schoolwork?

He wrote a manifesto and put together videos of himself. Writing essays and putting together videos could be considered schoowork depending on the classes you take.

I got a few laughs on that joke... got more at the ending of it when I got to the part about the honda civic.

I changed one line though, and had a HUGE laugh and applause from the crowd from it... When talking about oral sex and throat cancer, I said:

"If oral sex caused throat cancer, there'd be more people dying of throat cancer in Vatican City alone than dying of AIDS in Africa" It killed.

All in all, I only did 3 and a half minutes, but it felt good to get laughs.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: cowardly lion on June 21, 2007, 06:50:27 am
I like your second choice ending, but then I'm an ex-catholic  :-)

Thought the rest was good.  I like humor that makes some people cringe, just heard a good one yesterday from a British comic that just passed away:  I had a relative die at Auschwitz - fell out of a guard tower.    <the comic was Jewish>

cl
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Secret Six on June 21, 2007, 03:25:04 pm
I thought the following News Story might be of interest..... :angry4:

Long Island couple face fines, jail because children play too loudly

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

BAYVILLE, N.Y. — A Long Island couple could go to jail after they were ordered to keep their young daughters quiet.

William and Rachel Poczatek, who live in the village of Bayville, were hit with a notice of violation after neighbors complained about the couple's daughters, aged 5 and 11, who they said played too loudly around the family's backyard pool.

The couple is due in court Wednesday to face the charge of violating a noise code usually reserved for "the shouting and crying of peddlers, hawkers and vendors which disturbs the peace and quiet of the neighborhood.''

The penalty if convicted? According to the village code: $250 fine, 15 days in jail, or
both for each day the offense continued.

Rachel Poczatek, 43, said she didn't know how to solve the problem. "Should I muzzle my children?''

Neighbor Mark Kostakis, whose wife, Angie, is listed as one of the complainants on the summons, said he began making audio recordings of the children to document the noise. He said he spent three years complaining to the village and the Poczateks.

"This is it for me,'' he said. "I don't work 12 hours a day to come home and listen to this....''

Rachel Poczatek said her children should be allowed to play outside during the day, though she does tell them to be quiet.

The notice ordering the Poczateks' children quiet described them as ""screaming and shouting'' and causing an "unreasonable nuisance.''

http://www.app.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070620/NEWS/70620007

SS: OK, Even though I don't have any kids, I pride myself on getting along with them...

If they are exhibiting behavior that bothers me, the first thing I do is to gently tell them that what they are doing is wrong...

Then if that does'nt work, then I speak to their Mom and/or Dad....

But why these neighnors feel compelled to sic the Law on their folks is beyond me....

These people sound like the type that would have Santa Claus busted for breaking and entering.... :huh:

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on June 29, 2007, 11:22:39 pm
In October 2002, Arnold Chrysler stood trial in a British High Court for stealing 40,000 hotel coat hangers from hotels all over the world.  Here are a couple of excerpts from his trial.

(Originally published in The Independent, Oct 15-16, 2002 -- I'm just reproducing the non-copyrighted trial transcripts here.)



Counsel: What is your name?

Chrysler: Chrysler. Arnold Chrysler.

Counsel: Is that your own name?

Chrysler: Whose name do you think it is?

Counsel: I am just asking if it is your name.

Chrysler: And I have just told you it is. Why do you doubt it?

Counsel: It is not unknown for people to give a false name in court.

Chrysler: Which court?

Counsel: This court.

Chrysler: What is the name of this court?

Counsel: This is No 5 Court.

Chrysler: No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this court?

Counsel: It is quite immaterial what the name of this court is!

Chrysler: Then perhaps it is immaterial if Chrysler is really my name.

Counsel: No, not really, you see because...

Judge: Mr Lovelace?

Counsel: Yes, m'lud?

Judge: I think Mr Chrysler is running rings round you already. I would try a new line of attack if I were you.

Counsel: Thank you, m'lud.

Chrysler: And thank you from ME, m'lud. It's nice to be appreciated.

Judge: Shut up, witness.

Chrysler: Willingly, m'lud. It is a pleasure to be told to shut up by you. For you, I would...

Judge: Shut up, witness. Carry on, Mr Lovelace.

Counsel: Now, Mr Chrysler - for let us assume that that is your name - you are accused of purloining in excess of 40,000 hotel coat hangers.

Chrysler: I am.

Counsel: Can you explain how this came about?

Chrysler: Yes. I had 40,000 coats which I needed to hang up.

Counsel: Is that true?

Chrysler: No.

Counsel: Then why did you say it?

Chrysler: To attempt to throw you off balance.

Counsel: Off balance?

Chrysler: Certainly. As you know, all barristers seek to undermine the confidence of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must be equally open to the witness, or defendant, to try to shake the confidence of a hostile barrister.

Counsel: On the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with me. You are only here to answer my questions.

Chrysler: Was that a question?

Counsel: No.

Chrysler: Then I can't answer it.

Judge: Come on, Mr Lovelace! I think you are still being given the run-around here. You can do better than that. At least, for the sake of the English bar, I hope you can.

Counsel: Yes, m'lud. Now, Mr Chrysler, perhaps you will describe what reason you had to steal 40,000 coat hangers?

Chrysler: Is that a question?

Counsel: Yes.

Chrysler: It doesn't sound like one. It sounds like a proposition which doesn't believe in itself. You know - "Perhaps I will describe the reason I had to steal 40,000 coat hangers... Perhaps I won't... Perhaps I'll sing a little song instead..."

Judge: In fairness to Mr Lovelace, Mr Chrysler, I should remind you that barristers have an innate reluctance to frame a question as a question. Where you and I would say, "Where were you on Tuesday?", they are more likely to say, "Perhaps you could now inform the court of your precise whereabouts on the day after that Monday?". It isn't, strictly, a question, and it is not graceful English but you must pretend that it is a question and then answer it, otherwise we will be here for ever. Do you understand?

Chrysler: Yes, m'lud.

Judge: Carry on, Mr Lovelace.

Counsel: Mr Chrysler, why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing as you must have that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside hotel wardrobes?

Chrysler: Because I build and sell wardrobes which are specially designed to take nothing but hotel coat hangers.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on June 29, 2007, 11:23:49 pm
Arnold Chrysler and the 40,000 coat hangers, Part 2:



Counsel: Now, Mr Chrysler, am I right in saying that hotel clothes hangers do not have hooks on top but little studs that will only work on special racks?

Chrysler: That is correct.

Counsel: This design arose because so many hotel hangers were stolen.

Chrysler: That is correct.

Counsel: And they had no option but to change the design to stop them being stolen?

Chrysler: That is not correct.

Counsel: That is not correct?

Chrysler: No. The world of hotels had not one, but two options. They could change the design of the way they were hung, yes, but they could also cheapen the hangers. They could very easily have given guests inexpensive plastic or metal hangers they would never have missed when they were stolen. But that would have lowered the tone of the hotel. Hotels, even hotels in a chain, like to have a touch of class. They like giving guests high-class solid wood hangers. It makes them feel good about themselves. It also makes them worth stealing.

Counsel: And people come to you, do they, asking you to make special wardrobes so that they can use stolen clothes hangers?

Chrysler: It isn’t so much the fact that they are stolen that makes them attractive. You have to remember that many top businessmen spend more of their time in hotels than in their own home. They become used to hotel life. They think of hotels as home. Therefore they become used to hotel hangers and think of them as normal, and on the rare occasions when they spend some time at home they can’t stand these fiddly things with hooks which you and I may think of as normal but which the business traveller thinks of as loose-fitting and badly designed. So they come to me and get me to make a hotel-style wardrobe.

Counsel: Are you seriously suggesting that there are people who prefer hotel life to home life?

Chrysler: Certainly. A lot of businessmen would never go home if they had the chance. So when they get home they like to recreate the hotel experience in their own house. Many of my clients have their own mini-bars in their bedrooms. They have TV sets at the end of the bed on a raised shelf, often with an adult sex channel on it. All their bathroom products come in wrappers and are thrown away each day. I have even known people in their own home put out "Do Not Disturb" notices on the door of their own bedroom.

Counsel: Stolen, presumably, from some hapless hotel.

Chrysler: Never call a hotel hapless. They know what they are doing. No hotel loses money willingly. They may have things taken from them, but the stuff that guests leave behind is just as valuable.

Counsel: Are you serious when you say that clients of yours drink from their own minibars in their own bedrooms in their own homes?

Chrysler: Certainly. And just as in a hotel, they grumble about the price and size of the bottles, and the absence of ice.

Counsel: So why don’t they get a proper fridge in their bedroom?

Chrysler: Because then it wouldn’t be like a hotel.

Judge: Tell me, Mr Chrysler, do these businessmen of yours also have Gideon Bibles by their bedside at home?

Chrysler: Many of them, sir.

Judge: And where do you get the Gideon Bibles from?

Chrysler: Alas, they, too, have to be taken from hotels.

Judge: Then why are you not also up on a charge of Bible-stealing?

Chrysler: Because the Bibles do not belong to the hotels. They belong to the Gideon Society. And the Gideon Society has decided not to prosecute me, but to forgive me and tell me to go and sin no more.

Judge: And have you sinned no more?

Chrysler: Alas, no.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on July 01, 2007, 11:33:53 pm
Redneck a/c... (http://www.muzzleflash.net/grafx/ot/redneckac.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on July 06, 2007, 08:22:21 pm
Cows With Guns (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5s5qGg01nE&NR=1)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on July 07, 2007, 06:03:01 pm
Not really silly - the Big Unit in mid-pitch:

(http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4932/1965/400/bigunjit.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on July 08, 2007, 01:24:20 am
I thought the following News Story might be of interest..... :angry4:

Long Island couple face fines, jail because children play too loudly

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

BAYVILLE, N.Y. — A Long Island couple could go to jail after they were ordered to keep their young daughters quiet.

William and Rachel Poczatek, who live in the village of Bayville, were hit with a notice of violation after neighbors complained about the couple's daughters, aged 5 and 11, who they said played too loudly around the family's backyard pool.

The couple is due in court Wednesday to face the charge of violating a noise code usually reserved for "the shouting and crying of peddlers, hawkers and vendors which disturbs the peace and quiet of the neighborhood.''

The penalty if convicted? According to the village code: $250 fine, 15 days in jail, or
both for each day the offense continued.

Rachel Poczatek, 43, said she didn't know how to solve the problem. "Should I muzzle my children?''

Neighbor Mark Kostakis, whose wife, Angie, is listed as one of the complainants on the summons, said he began making audio recordings of the children to document the noise. He said he spent three years complaining to the village and the Poczateks.

"This is it for me,'' he said. "I don't work 12 hours a day to come home and listen to this....''

Rachel Poczatek said her children should be allowed to play outside during the day, though she does tell them to be quiet.

The notice ordering the Poczateks' children quiet described them as ""screaming and shouting'' and causing an "unreasonable nuisance.''

http://www.app.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070620/NEWS/70620007

SS: OK, Even though I don't have any kids, I pride myself on getting along with them...

If they are exhibiting behavior that bothers me, the first thing I do is to gently tell them that what they are doing is wrong...

Then if that does'nt work, then I speak to their Mom and/or Dad....

But why these neighnors feel compelled to sic the Law on their folks is beyond me....

These people sound like the type that would have Santa Claus busted for breaking and entering.... :huh:



For some kids, for some reason, the standard kids "fun scream" and "something is killing me" scream are one and the same.  I have had that experience living in an apartment complex near the pool.  So, yes this could be a real PITA, but I would only be addressing if this way if the parents hadn't already been advised of the problem and fixed it.  I know I was told to watch it by my parents a couple of times.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: motherbatherick on July 12, 2007, 10:57:44 am
The End of The World (http://www.alzmedia.com/flash/view/endofworld)  :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on July 12, 2007, 04:57:40 pm
I don't know how many have seen this site before, but I just had to share this one today - http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/07/12/the-brittish-are-coming/
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on July 13, 2007, 12:46:50 am
The End of The World (http://www.alzmedia.com/flash/view/endofworld)  :laugh:

MB, my dial-up connection gave you the finger for that link and told me it wouldn't go.  If it's what I think it is, however, then "WTF? ^^" should be a valid reference.

If it's not what I think it is, I'll have to check it when I'm on a less slow connection.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Arial on July 13, 2007, 08:16:42 pm
Last week I happened to be getting out of the shower when my little daughter of two years just decided to let herself into the bathroom.  She started to gleefully and loudly announce her entrance, but stopped suddenly.  She looked me up and down, then her eyes came to rest on the anatomical regions normally covered by clothing.  Very seriously she pointed, looked up at me and quizzically asked, "Tail?"

If you can think of what might have been an appropriate response, I'd love to hear it.  I was absolutely speechless.

LMAO!...You can't make this stuff up. Most of the day I have been sitting here reading this thread (I'm new). Some posts are debilitating. I have laughed so much. I stopped to make my first reply on this thread as it had me busting out laughing to the tune of wiping my eyes.

I look forward to continuing my way through the rest of the thread. Thanks a bunch for the great laugh. Some days we just need a lot of humor.

(Being new, I don't know if this poster is still here, but thanks to all those--whoever is still here-- for these nuggets.)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on July 13, 2007, 09:58:51 pm
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=stock_photos
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on July 15, 2007, 05:00:28 pm
Subject: BEST 2007 BLOND JOKE OF THE YEAR!!!
>
>
>A blond lady motorist was  about two hours from
>San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose  truck had broken
down.
>The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you  going to San Diego ?"
>
>"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a  lift?"
>"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my  truck. My
>problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to  be taken
to
>the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't  want to
keep
>them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to  the zoo for
me?
>I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."
>"I'd be  happy to," said the blond. So the two
>chimpanzees were ushered into the  back seat of the
>blonde's car and carefully strapped into their  seat
>belts. Off they went.
>Five hours later, the truck driver was  driving
>through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!!  There
was
>the blond walking down the street and holding hands with the  two
chimps,
>much to the amusement of a big crowd.
>
>With a  screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blond.
>What  the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to
take 
>these chimpanzees to the zoo."
>"Yes, I know you did," said the  blond," but we
>had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World  !

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on August 13, 2007, 06:26:56 pm
OLE 'N LENA HAVE A BABY

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.  Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink it's time!"  So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.  She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "A son! Ain't dat great!"

Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on!  We ain't finished yet!"  The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole!  You got you a daughter!"  She's a pretty little ting, too."  Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, "Holey Moley, Ole, we still ain't done yet!"  The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!"  Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine.  He was real serious and he asked Lena, "How come we got tree on the first try?"  Lena said, "You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"  Ole said, "Yeah, I do.  Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get the WD-40."

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: conspiracynut on August 14, 2007, 02:26:20 am
Redneck a/c... (http://www.muzzleflash.net/grafx/ot/redneckac.jpg)


I was going to do this!

But I drive a beat up geo metro . . .

I still might.

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: kirgi07 on August 14, 2007, 03:17:51 pm
You would need a really long cord or a trailer for the Genny :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mi6a2lm on August 15, 2007, 01:33:42 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSVi1BM18jI

Stewie and Brian (Family Guy characters) visit Gettysburg.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Julian on August 17, 2007, 01:08:02 pm
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to 
 beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 
 "the rule of thumb"

Just thought I'd resurface to point out this is isn't true... the "rule of thumb" was how brewers used to test their wort to see if it was cool enough to pitch the yeast:

http://homebrewmac.blogspot.com/2007/07/rule-of-thumb.html

Going back underground...
Julian
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mr_duh on August 30, 2007, 07:09:04 pm
Bumper sticker seen today

Notice: Driver only carries $20 in ammunition
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: securitysix on August 30, 2007, 11:32:00 pm
Funny you should mention bumper stickers.  Saw one today that read as follows:

Quote
I Brake For...
Oh Shit!  No Brakes!

I found it quite amusing.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Phssthpok on August 31, 2007, 03:34:19 pm
A Street Sweepers Tale (http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2411937&perpage=40&pagenumber=1) :laugh:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: da gooch on August 31, 2007, 09:41:59 pm
A Street Sweepers Tale (http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2411937&perpage=40&pagenumber=1) :laugh:

Out- gently caressing -Standing find beercan  absolutely outstanding.
Thank you.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: conspiracynut on September 10, 2007, 10:26:39 am
Here is a one for firelfy and/or action movie fans:
http://xkcd.com/311/


Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on September 28, 2007, 08:40:58 pm
http://billstclair.com/fcc.html is a Google Bomb on the Federal Communications Commission. It links them with the indecent language that they censor, so if you don't want to read two of George Carlin's seven filthy words, starting with "F" and "C", don't click that link. But if you want to see the FCC put in their proper place with very strong language, go there. If you have a web site, join the bomb.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on September 28, 2007, 11:09:16 pm
http://billstclair.com/fcc.html is a Google Bomb on the Federal Communications Commission. It links them with the indecent language that they censor, so if you don't want to read two of George Carlin's seven filthy words, starting with "F" and "C", don't click that link. But if you want to see the FCC put in their proper place with very strong language, go there. If you have a web site, join the bomb.

Nothing silly about this,  I'd consider it agitatin' or similar...

I've added a link here:  http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/roys-tech-chat/links/

:-)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bill St. Clair on September 29, 2007, 03:22:11 am
Thanks for the link, Roy. Since it doesn't include the target phrase, and since it's behind a password-required (though free) Yahoo group membership, it won't help the bomb, though. And you're right, it's not a joke, so probably doesn't belong in this thread. I was hesitant to post it here at all, so this was the best place I could come up with.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Phssthpok on October 12, 2007, 08:38:18 pm
Fight For Kisses!! (http://www.ffk-wilkinson.com/)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on October 15, 2007, 10:09:05 pm
Some old humor by Gilbert and Sullivan: "When I Was a Lad" from H.M.S. Pinafore.

Henry Lytton sings in this 1930 recording (http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/pinafore/a_lad.mp3) (2 MB MP3 file)

The lyrics:

     When I was a lad I served a term
     As office boy to an Attorney's firm.
     I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor,
     And I polished up the handle of the big front door.
          I polished up that handle so carefullee
          That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

     As office boy I made such a mark
     That they gave me the post of a junior clerk.
     I served the writs with a smile so bland,
     And I copied all the letters in a big round hand--
          I copied all the letters in a hand so free,
          That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

     In serving writs I made such a name
     That an articled clerk I soon became;
     I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit
     For the pass examination at the Institute,
          And that pass examination did so well for me,
          That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

     Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip
     That they took me into the partnership.
     And that junior partnership, I ween,
     Was the only ship that I ever had seen.
          But that kind of ship so suited me,
          That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

     I grew so rich that I was sent
     By a pocket borough into Parliament.
     I always voted at my party's call,
     And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.
          I thought so little, they rewarded me
          By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

     Now landsmen all, whoever you may be,
     If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
     If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool,
     Be careful to be guided by this golden rule--
          Stick close to your desks and never go to sea,
          And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navee!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on November 09, 2007, 12:19:16 am
50 Ways... (http://xkcd.com/118/)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on November 23, 2007, 02:30:01 pm
Oh, oh, oh.  This is just wrong... (http://www.whatonearthcatalog.com/whatonearth/Item_Hillary-Nutcracker_AY3882_ps_ixm.html)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on November 23, 2007, 08:03:06 pm
Yes :-) this is a fun thread!

Thank you Joel and Roy for your additions...

...and 'course all those who came before.

And yes, Joel, wrong, wrong, wrong!

But so funny in it's wrong headedness.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Gypsy on November 23, 2007, 09:16:24 pm
I have got to get one of those nutcrackers.

your right..........Very, very wrong
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on November 28, 2007, 10:25:53 am
Americans Announce They're Dropping Out of Presidential Race (http://www.theonion.com/content/news/americans_announce_theyre_dropping)

Quote
...the American people appeared visibly worn down after only three months of campaigning. According to Beltway observers, idealism among Americans began to fade after the first series of major televised debates in August, during which every citizen in every state realized they would have to compromise their core values in order to remain in the race.

"As the obvious underdogs, we knew that the chance of Americans winning in 2008 was slim to none," said Seattle native Paul Waverchuck, who claimed he was looking forward to spending more time with his family after giving up politics. "I guess there's just no room at the table for the vast majority of this country's citizens."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Myrkul on November 28, 2007, 01:01:10 pm
I noticed there wasn't a single Ron Paul Banner or sign in that pile... Maybe the best thing that could happen is all the other candidates' support dries up and only he gets ANY votes. :)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Ire on November 28, 2007, 03:32:09 pm
50 Ways... (http://xkcd.com/118/)


Nice find!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rarick on December 17, 2007, 01:02:41 am
Oh, oh, oh.  This is just wrong... (http://www.whatonearthcatalog.com/whatonearth/Item_Hillary-Nutcracker_AY3882_ps_ixm.html)

It is Backordered........  Maybe it is Soooooo right!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: da gooch on December 17, 2007, 09:40:38 am

Does anybody know how to turn this warning off ?

It keeps coming on while I am posting .......


Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on December 21, 2007, 11:38:03 am
Dog's Nazi salute lands owner in jail for five months (http://news.independent.co.uk/europe/article3273188.ece)



"[Dog]...raise his right paw in a Nazi salute every time the command 'Heil Hitler!' was uttered."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on December 24, 2007, 02:10:52 pm
And since this thread is going to the dogs anyway:

Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer! Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no -- I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

WAL-MART won't let me shop there any more.

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: da gooch on December 24, 2007, 07:24:06 pm
And since this thread is going to the dogs anyway:

Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer! Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no -- I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

WAL-MART won't let me shop there any more.



 :sign10: :sign10:

Thanks Roy that really did the trick for me.

The Purina Diet huh ? I may have to try that one. 'cept I don't have a dog.
I would have paid for photos of the faces of the folks in line ....
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on December 25, 2007, 01:28:38 am
Cheech and Chong -- Santa Claus and His Old Lady (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSH9ryRzHQ4)

:-)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Gypsy on December 25, 2007, 11:51:28 pm
 :sign10:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Junker on December 27, 2007, 02:01:05 pm
We have fought wars and are fighting this one
only to preserve freedom. We have all given up
great measures of freedom to achieve victory. We
should let no one forget for a minute that we want
those freedoms back and we intend to have them.

—James A. Farley
Title: Investment planning
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on January 14, 2008, 10:50:32 pm
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Title: Computer Stupid
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on January 14, 2008, 10:51:36 pm
LOTS of stuff on it to be found here (http://rinkworks.com/stupid/)...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on January 17, 2008, 01:36:03 pm
Last week I happened to be getting out of the shower when my little daughter of two years just decided to let herself into the bathroom.  She started to gleefully and loudly announce her entrance, but stopped suddenly.  She looked me up and down, then her eyes came to rest on the anatomical regions normally covered by clothing.  Very seriously she pointed, looked up at me and quizzically asked, "Tail?"

If you can think of what might have been an appropriate response, I'd love to hear it.  I was absolutely speechless.

And seemingly from out of the clear blue sky, I overheard my now four year old daughter the other day proudly announce to a friend of ours, a female friend, a virgin female friend, a sexually mature but still legally underaged virgin female friend of ours, "My daddy's boy parts stick straight out like a giant finger."

 :o  :icon_pale: :doh: :shakehead: :icon_pale:


Evidently we're going to have to get a better lock on our bedroom door...  :hello: :sex:  :nono:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on January 17, 2008, 09:55:33 pm
My wife says you haven't finished the story until you tell us what your sexually mature but still legally underaged virgin female friend said in response.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: da gooch on January 17, 2008, 10:33:31 pm
 :sign10:

Which reminds me of the one ....

The prudish straight laced spinster says to the four year old boy after catching him urinating in the hedge ....
"My Word.  You sure have a lot of Nerve ...."
To which he responds ....
"If you think that's a lot you should see my dad's .... "
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Lazarus Long on January 17, 2008, 11:16:09 pm
A couple I know with two small daughters initially decided on a "bathroom door open" policy, in order to foster a healthy lack of prudishness in their children.

This all came to an abrupt stop the day the eldest - about 4 years old at the time - announced at the dinner table, "Daddy's got a lovely willy. It's got a little eye!"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on January 18, 2008, 06:44:44 am
My wife says you haven't finished the story until you tell us what your sexually mature but still legally underaged virgin female friend said in response.


She didn't bat an eyelash, she simply told my daughter, "That isn't really dinner table conversation."  She works part-time at a daycare center, so I'm sure she's rather jaded.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: coloradohermit on January 18, 2008, 07:26:49 am

Evidently we're going to have to get a better lock on our bedroom door...  :hello: :sex:  :nono:
Or;
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a Young
> >> woman with three small children running around at her feet.
> >>
> >> He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
> >> product?"
> >>
> >> She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
> >>
> >> "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
> >>
> >> "We use it for sex.""
> >>
> >> The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say
> >> that they
> >> use it on a child's Bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in
> >> fact, I know
> >> that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since
> >> you've
> >> been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you Use it for sex?""
> >>
> >> The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put
> >> it on the
> >> door knob and it keeps the kids out."
> >>
> >>
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on January 25, 2008, 12:16:05 pm
Heard this on the local radio station:
Looks like outsourcing is getting out of hand. I called LifeLine and got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal and they got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on March 04, 2008, 08:08:22 am
Heard this "Bushism" yesterday on AP News, and could only hold my head in my hands and rock slowly back and forth...
Quote
“And so, General, I want to thank you for your service,” Bush concluded. “And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq.”   George W Bush, March 3, 2008

To quote the comic strip POGO
 "I think you is really got a messed metaphor there..."  :rolleyes:
Just thought I would share the love!




Edit: Just Edit
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on March 04, 2008, 02:47:08 pm
Quote
“And so, General, I want to thank you for your service,” Bush concluded. “And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq.”   George W Bush, March 3, 2008


I heard that on the radio on my way home last night.  I imagined his voice being drowned out by the gagging noises as all his speechwriters simultaneously hanged themselves off-camera.

Really, after all this time...why do his handlers let him talk off the cuff?  Are there no tranquilizer guns?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Apple on March 04, 2008, 03:31:02 pm
It's their way of mocking us.

Secondly, it feeds the government-is-dumb idea and entertains the masses. And of course government is dumb, that's why they're the masters and we're the slaves. Uhhh… Now waitaminute :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on March 04, 2008, 04:04:00 pm
In the building where I am currently employed there are signs encouraging healthier living. Some refer to using the stairs, such as:
TAKE A STEP FOR YOUR HEART

Well, I saw one that said:
TAKING THE STAIRS BURNS 5 TIMES MORE CALORIES THAN TAKING THE ELEVATOR

Sooooooooo, when I have to go up to the next floor, I just go up and down 5 times in the elevator.
Title: "Everybody kills Hitler on their first trip."
Post by: Joel on March 19, 2008, 01:46:13 pm
If time travelers were also forum geeks...

Wikihistory (http://www.abyssandapex.com/200710-wikihistory.html)
Title: Re: "Everybody kills Hitler on their first trip."
Post by: da gooch on March 19, 2008, 03:07:46 pm
If time travelers were also forum geeks...

Wikihistory (http://www.abyssandapex.com/200710-wikihistory.html)

LOL

Say .... Doesn't this post belong over in the time travel thread ?  ....

Moderators ?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on March 19, 2008, 04:15:01 pm
Quote
Say .... Doesn't this post belong over in the time travel thread ?  ....

Moderators ?
I keep moving it, but then I keep going back in time and blocking me with mischief. I don't think the Time Travel thread even exists anymore thanks to a paradox from me meddling with the continuum... If I ever meet myself coming or going, there's gonna be trouble!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: hangman on March 19, 2008, 04:42:46 pm
A  man robs a bank and takes hostages. 
 He asks the first hostage, "did you see me rob the bank".
 The hostage answers "yes".
 The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head. 
 Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank. 
 The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did".


*****
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed .. "When did this happen?"
" Couple of minutes ago."

****
I almost spewed my coffee when I read this.

Truth Behind Oral Sex

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what
THEY liked best about 'Oral Sex':

a.. 3% liked the warmth.
b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c.. 93% appreciated the silence.
Title: Pay attention!
Post by: Roy J. Tellason on March 20, 2008, 07:05:46 am
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid."

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: kirgi07 on March 20, 2008, 08:25:46 am
Reintarnation.

Coming back to life as a Hillbilly. Ought 7. :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Nedda of the Hill on March 25, 2008, 10:00:30 pm
This was sent to me as an "eye test for people over 40."  I think it gives a whole new meaning to the term "sheeple."   

:sheep: :sheep: :sheep: :doh: :sheep: :sheep: :sheep:

(http://h1.ripway.com/Nedda/sheeple.jpg)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Dare on March 26, 2008, 09:22:14 am
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: LOL I thought they were mushrooms at first! It must have been the glare on the screen. :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on April 16, 2008, 03:49:10 pm
Newborn Brought Up on Sex Assault Charges (http://www.bakelblog.com/nobodys_business/2008/04/newborn-brought.html)

Quote
CLOVIS, NM — Just hours after being born, an allegedly sex-obsessed infant was taken into custody on charges of harassment.

A maternity nurse present at the birth of Ryan Sambora, the son of Gabriel and Mindy Sambora of Kingfisher Lane, called police after she determined the child had "enjoyed his time in the birth canal a little too much." The hospital worker, Valerie Shales, a six-year veteran of Gouldsborough Family Health Centers, said the woman was clearly in discomfort, even agony, while the son seemed "unwilling to dislodge himself from the mother's vagina."
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bedwere on April 23, 2008, 09:00:31 am
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'John's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on April 23, 2008, 10:30:10 am
 :laugh:
Damn, Bedwere, that one had me laughing out loud at work. Reminds me of a joke I heard a long time ago:

I was in a restaurant and had ordered a bowl of soup. When the waiter brought me the soup, he had his thumb in it.
I asked him why he had his thumb in my soup and he replied that he had smashed it in the refrigerator door.
This upset me, so I responded, "Why don't you stick it up your ass."
He said
.
.
.
"what do you think I do on the way back to the kitchen?"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: hangman on April 23, 2008, 03:32:26 pm
I thought this was hilarious.

Why hunters use guns




Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash on my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Mr. Bill on April 24, 2008, 01:39:11 pm

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.


Great one, hangman!

I checked this on snopes.com (http://www.snopes.com/critters/farce/ropedeer.asp), and while they can't verify the authenticity of the event, they note that the earliest version of the story (around Feb '07) included a much longer conclusion in place of the above-quoted final sentence.  Here it is:

=====

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the Co-Op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling, "What happened?"

I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear... not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer". I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.

EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the Co-Op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider -- a "city folk". I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering, "There is the dumbass that tried to rope the deer!"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: kirgi07 on April 25, 2008, 08:57:13 am
If'n Blondes have more fun-Do they know they do. Ought 7.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: crepemyrtle357 on June 24, 2008, 03:49:36 pm
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."
__________________
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Bedwere on June 24, 2008, 04:22:28 pm
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."
__________________



Very funny, but sad and scary at the same time because it is so true.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Dare2BFree on June 29, 2008, 10:39:30 am
Not funny really, but a good message anyway....

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: vonuvan on June 29, 2008, 11:37:21 am
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."
__________________



Very funny, but sad and scary at the same time because it is so true.

Maybe, if a lot of us sent emails like the son's,...
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: crepemyrtle357 on July 04, 2008, 11:01:02 pm
THIS IS A TEST


This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.It's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under...forever. You have two options--you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
__________________
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: vonuvan on July 04, 2008, 11:07:10 pm
THIS IS A TEST


This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.It's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under...forever. You have two options--you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
__________________


High contrast color film, anticipating a poster of exceptionally high sales blown up from the photo.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: crepemyrtle357 on July 04, 2008, 11:12:57 pm
 Four Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: -
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.


The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead





Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead







Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation -


What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,




"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --
__________________
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on July 18, 2008, 03:45:42 pm
The Web Site Is Down (http://www.thewebsiteisdown.com/)
Sales Guy vs. Web Dude
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: hangman on July 18, 2008, 04:29:29 pm
Union Rules & Hookers----
A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check
out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
'Is this a union house?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn 't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street
In search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued
Until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why
Yes, sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly
attractive blonde.
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured
To a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years
Seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

*****
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step
into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering
to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to
the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his
way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly
reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser”. To test her theory
the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs,
then yells...

"Holy Mary, Mother of God,
HAND LOTION TOO!"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: kirgi07 on July 19, 2008, 07:16:18 am
Drunk:


At 2am on a saturday mornin a married dude realizes he's to drunk ta drive home so he decides ta walk.

As he is staggering down the road a cop stops and asks him "where are you goin" The Drunk replies "I'm on my way to a lecture"  :rolleyes: Ought 7.

/rimshot
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: cowardly lion on July 21, 2008, 11:42:56 am
A guy glances at the clock in a bar and thinks 'Oh $h1t!  I was supposed to be home hours ago'

He jumps to his feet and promptly falls to the floor.

'Wow, I'm more drunk than I thought I was' he thinks to himself as he tries unsuccessfully to stand up.

Fearing to be any later, he drags/crawls to the door, knowing that he lives only a few blocks away.

Out in the street, he agains tries to stand but can't support himself.

'This is terrible, I hope I can get home and sober up before the wife finds me like this.'

He drags himself home and works his way into bed without his wife waking up.

'Whew!  I dodged that bullet' he thinks as he drops off to sleep.

He wakes up to his wife shrieking 'You fool!  The bar just called, you left your wheelchair there again!!'
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: crepemyrtle357 on July 23, 2008, 10:12:13 pm
 The Smart Thief

Sammy has stolen the rabbi's gold watch.

He didn't feel too good about it, so he decided, after a sleepless night.

to go to the rabbi.

'Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.'

'But Sammy ! That's forbidden! You should return it immediately !'

'What shall I do ?'

'Give it back to the owner.'

'Do you want it ?'

'No, I said return it to its owner.'

'But he doesn't want it.'

'In that case, you can keep it.'
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: crepemyrtle357 on July 30, 2008, 09:55:42 pm
 Top 8 Morons Of 2007
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'.

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
__________________
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on August 21, 2008, 04:54:37 am
How to make a Deer Stand (http://home.windstream.net/tomf42344/)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: vonuvan on August 21, 2008, 09:27:51 am


4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.



This may have been one of several stores displaying a no gun sign, so they deserve to be repetitively robbed as they have been.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on September 01, 2008, 03:49:50 pm
We're the Government -- and You're Not (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvsADU2OOWM)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: mutti on September 01, 2008, 04:26:56 pm
Jebur27 - #3 is one of the "funniest" things I have heard in a long time. Thanks - Mutti
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on September 05, 2008, 04:42:39 am
The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect wildlife in the US (http://packing4life.com/showpost.php?p=27404&postcount=1)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on September 18, 2008, 04:29:54 pm
Has the Large Hadron Collider destroyed the world yet? (http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on September 18, 2008, 06:04:07 pm
Ninja cat (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muLIPWjks_M) :ph34r:
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Secret Six on September 24, 2008, 02:30:21 pm
I typed in my real name and it came up with "Scat Dubya Palin" - I kid you not!!!

Hilarious!

PICK YOUR SARAH PALIN BABY NAME (http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: crepemyrtle357 on September 24, 2008, 04:57:28 pm
Mine came up

Fire Patriot Palin
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on September 25, 2008, 09:42:11 am
I typed in my real name and it came up with "Scat Dubya Palin" - I kid you not!!!

Hilarious!

PICK YOUR SARAH PALIN BABY NAME (http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html)
Used one of my usual pseudonyms; result: Spackle Camshaft Palin
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: da gooch on September 25, 2008, 09:34:30 pm
Turbine Yukon Palin

HEY !  Did I just get called a hot air windbag from the mostly frozen wilderness ?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: freewoman on September 26, 2008, 05:27:00 am
Turbine Yukon Palin

HEY !  Did I just get called a hot air windbag from the mostly frozen wilderness ?

Nah.  You're from Texas, where it's warm, remember?  (Maybe the Palin part is the real "hot air windbag" part!)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on September 26, 2008, 06:01:26 am
One Memorial Day morning, a little boy is standing in the lobby of a synagogue, looking at the traditional wall of memorial plaques honoring the community's losses over the years.  Little American flags have been placed next to some of them.  The rabbi comes over and asks the little boy what he thinks.

"I'm not sure, Rabbi.  What do those little flags mean?"

The rabbi puts his hand on the boy's shoulder and explains, "Those are the names of the brave men and women of our congregation who were killed in the service."

The little boy gazes at them solemnly, lost in his own thoughts, absorbing what he has learned, and then asks the rabbi another question:  "The morning service or the evening service?"
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Secret Six on September 26, 2008, 03:28:15 pm
First Palin, Then Campaign Suspension. What Now?

Slate predicts McCain's next 10 Hail Mary stunts.

Posted Thursday, Sept. 25, 2008

Slate.com

1. Returns to Vietnam and jails himself.

2. Offers the post of "vice vice president" to Warren Buffett.

3. Challenges Obama to suspend campaign so they both can go and personally drill for oil offshore.

4. Learns to use computer.

5. Does bombing run over Taliban-controlled tribal areas of Pakistan.

6. Offers to forgo salary, sell one house.

7. Sex-change operation.

8. Suspends campaign until Nov. 4, offers to start being president right now.

9. Sells Alaska to Russia for $700 billion.

10. Pledges to serve only one term. OK, half a term.

EVEN MORE (http://www.slate.com/id/2200927/)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Rick N on September 26, 2008, 04:19:20 pm
1. Returns to Vietnam and jails himself.

Even I laughed at this one.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on September 26, 2008, 06:30:14 pm
Burning Questions

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gillian's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Apple on September 27, 2008, 03:25:08 pm
Has the Large Hadron Collider destroyed the world yet? (http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/)

:laugh: Whew! Good to know! Better keep checking that page frequently though. I wouldn't be the last one to be informed that the world has been destroyed. :laugh:

In case anyone's wondering what it's all about (http://www.exitmundi.nl/blackholes_lab.htm).
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: vonuvan on September 27, 2008, 03:26:07 pm
If it happened, it would be over faster than the EAS could be activated.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Apple on September 27, 2008, 03:30:51 pm
In the category "outdoor gear": Torch review (http://www.outdooridiots.com/features/200704/lilbratztorchreview/lilbratztorchreview.asp)

And this one is For Gooch (http://www.outdooridiots.com/features/200705/badgersandmash/badgersandmash.asp). (Others can look too.)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Gypsy on September 28, 2008, 05:14:42 am
www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3iryBLZCOQ

Not yet ...... ?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on September 28, 2008, 06:30:51 am
If you get the urge to run around naked, drink some Windex. 

The prevents streaking.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: da gooch on September 28, 2008, 10:05:50 pm
In the category "outdoor gear": Torch review (http://www.outdooridiots.com/features/200704/lilbratztorchreview/lilbratztorchreview.asp)

And this one is For Gooch (http://www.outdooridiots.com/features/200705/badgersandmash/badgersandmash.asp). (Others can look too.)

Thanks SA

Two things ....
1) Any discerning Badger would Prefer to have at least one rutabaga per six potatoes added to the mash.
2) The folks who did this testing obviously forgot to add the Gravy !

Mashies without Gravy what were they thinking ?  It boggles the mind.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: S. Jester on September 29, 2008, 02:00:53 am
I just feel I have to share this, it's too good not to let you guys know about this:

http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=2945

I know there are many of you here who don't like any of the "first three" episodes but it was just too good to pass.


S.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Secret Six on September 30, 2008, 05:40:09 pm
The Ultimate Hockey Mom !

MOVIE TRAILER (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1831461)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: da gooch on September 30, 2008, 08:39:52 pm
I just feel I have to share this, it's too good not to let you guys know about this:

http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=2945

I know there are many of you here who don't like any of the "first three" episodes but it was just too good to pass.


S.

Devious S. Jester

I wasted over four hours looking through the archives.  Fun stuff.

Thanks
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on October 01, 2008, 04:30:28 pm
The IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: vonuvan on October 01, 2008, 07:30:33 pm
The IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.

If you're stupid enough to put it where they can find it, you deserve to lose it to them.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: penguinsscareme on October 01, 2008, 09:14:49 pm
You're not a very nice person.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on October 02, 2008, 11:57:11 am
This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was  crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on October 02, 2008, 12:00:02 pm
The IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.

If you're stupid enough to put it where they can find it, you deserve to lose it to them.

You know, this thread is supposed to be silly stuff.  I'm not stupid & neither are most of the people on this board that pay income taxes. 
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: RagnarDanneskjold on October 02, 2008, 01:18:25 pm
The IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.

If you're stupid enough to put it where they can find it, you deserve to lose it to them.

Damn, that's silly. Some really silly stuff, there vonu. Hardy hardy har har har har har, Alice. I can't control my laughing. Do you mind if I tell that funny joke to some of my friends? We're all pretty lucky, because that is almost as funny as the Monty Python joke that was lethal that the Allied troops used to slay the enemy.
Man, I can' t stop laughing long enough to gasp in a good breath, I think I'm about to pass out from lack of oxy......  gasp gasp gen ack, ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: freewoman on October 02, 2008, 04:05:07 pm
Hang in there, Ragnar!  Whoosh-push-whoosh-push-whoosh-push. . . .Got a pulse yet?  Hope the CPR worked. 
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Secret Six on October 02, 2008, 04:07:17 pm
THE REAL SARAH PALIN (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MJCvHMtwE4)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Joel on October 04, 2008, 06:29:57 pm
Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Presidency (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aEURwsrUSQ)
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: vonuvan on October 04, 2008, 06:50:34 pm
The IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.

If you're stupid enough to put it where they can find it, you deserve to lose it to them.

Damn, that's silly. Some really silly stuff, there vonu. Hardy hardy har har har har har, Alice. I can't control my laughing. Do you mind if I tell that funny joke to some of my friends? We're all pretty lucky, because that is almost as funny as the Monty Python joke that was lethal that the Allied troops used to slay the enemy.
Man, I can' t stop laughing long enough to gasp in a good breath, I think I'm about to pass out from lack of oxy......  gasp gasp gen ack, ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

Silly is as silly does.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: S. Jester on October 05, 2008, 05:20:28 am
You'll never be free from politics! Neverrrrrrrr! Bwahahahahhahahahaha!

http://www.gocomics.com/cleats/2008/10/04/



S.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Apple on October 05, 2008, 02:19:40 pm
In the category "outdoor gear": Torch review (http://www.outdooridiots.com/features/200704/lilbratztorchreview/lilbratztorchreview.asp)

And this one is For Gooch (http://www.outdooridiots.com/features/200705/badgersandmash/badgersandmash.asp). (Others can look too.)

Thanks SA

Two things ....
1) Any discerning Badger would Prefer to have at least one rutabaga per six potatoes added to the mash.
2) The folks who did this testing obviously forgot to add the Gravy !

Mashies without Gravy what were they thinking ?  It boggles the mind.

They didn't "forget" the Gravy. They are acting as if potatoes with rotten crème frâiche make a decent posh mash. Rotten?!? I am shocked and appalled! Would you eat it? That's what I thought! Rubbish, I tell you!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Secret Six on October 05, 2008, 03:56:40 pm
5WLWT.com September 30, 2008

MIDDLETOWN -- A Middletown, Ohio woman is accused of being disorderly in public -- while wearing a cow suit.

A police report filed about the incident said Michelle Allen allegedly chased children in her neighborhood while wearing the suit on Monday evening.

Allen also urinated on a neighbor's front porch...

Allen was charged with disorderly conduct after an officer found her causing traffic problems on North Verity Parkway.


(http://www.wlwt.com/news/17589970/detail.html[LINK)


S6: Udder Nonsense
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: MamaLiberty on October 05, 2008, 04:57:14 pm
I just came across this in my files and had to share it. Always makes me laugh so hard I... well, you don't need to know.

On Losing Your Presence Of Mind
(author unknown)

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number five of the accident reporting form I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number seven of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained by presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number seven. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen the injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I'm sorry to report, however, that as I lay there in the bricks, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me... I again lost my presence of mind... and let go of the rope!
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Myrkul on October 05, 2008, 05:12:00 pm
The Mythbusters (http://mythbustersresults.com/episode3) Did that... Very entertaining episode.

Busted it, but with a weakened barrel, they were able to replicate the myth.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Canadian Mamma on October 05, 2008, 06:17:53 pm
Speaking of udder nonsense:

PETA sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, Cofounders
Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc.
On Sept 23rd 2008 to urge Ben and Gerry to substitute the cows milk in their world famous Ice cream...wait for it...Human breast milk....

http://www.peta.org/MC/NewsItem.asp?id=11993  (http://www.peta.org/MC/NewsItem.asp?id=11993)

Just trying to get a mental picture the milking stations ......
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: S. Jester on October 05, 2008, 06:44:18 pm
DaDum a UmDaDum a UmDaDum

Your mission if you choose to accept it.

http://www.internationalspyshop.com/


Teddy, I'm disappointed in you.



S.
Title: Re: Silly Stuff
Post by: Jebur27 on October 06, 2008, 06:07:03 pm
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. D