Oh brother, do I -ever-! After three years of working in a gunshop, here are a few of my favorite interactions.
No, jackwagon, I -don't- believe that you were "servin' in Veeyetnayum" as a "Marine Delta SEAL Sniper." No, I -don't- believe you worked with Hathcock. No, I -don't- believe you've been recalled "fer survasiz in Eye-rack killin' ragheads." Why? Well, let's see here: I can see from your Driver's License that you were borne in 1968, which makes you all of 7 years old in 1975. I can see from the way you kept trying to take my guns apart that you're totally unfamiliar with the Remington 700 -or- Winchester Model 70, which were the bases for Vietnam-era sniper rifles, and are still used thussly today. And I can see from the way you walk that you either posses the hip-joints of an arthritic bowlegged racehorse or no hips at all. Where -would- I get the idea you were bullshitting me?!?!
No, I will -not- buy your Jennings J-22 for $200.00! It's a complete piece of shit that I wouldn't sell to my worst enemy, and guess what? NEW it only costs $110.00, and that's RETAIL! It's not a "good-shootin' little ol' gun," it's a vaguely gun-shaped BOMB waiting to take your fingers off!
No, I do not sell machine-guns. I know they -look- like machine-guns, but I promise they're not. No, I will not show you how to convert your SKS to full-auto. No, I will not -tell- you how to convert your AK to full auto. No, your cuzzin does not have a real full-auto AK. He has a jerry-rigged abomination known as a "slam-fire" which will, in short order, destroy the gun and hopefully kill him. That's -if- he doesn't get 10yrs for Unlawful Possession first.
No, I will not buy your sawn-off shotgun. Get it out of my shop. What's it worth? About ten years. Git.
No, I will not let your toothless, broke-dick ass sit in my shop and rant about "thuh niggurz an' thuh faggitz," especially not with a black customer there, and MOST ESPECIALLY not when he drops thousands of dollars per year and you buy one box of .22 ammo.
No, I will not sell you a gun without a background check, Mr. Konvicted Ku Klux Klansman. See this skin? Louisiana Creole. It will now give me -great- pleasure to throw you out of my shop. Would you mind resisting? Please? Go on, take a swing at the nigger with a gun.
No, I will -not- loan you one of my $500.00 Smith & Wesson revolvers to carry while your beat-to-shit Rossi (that you bought somewhere else) is in the shop. No, I don't believe that "thuh niggerz'll git me'n mah wahfe!" if I don't. Why? Well, because as any Anthropologist could tell you, African-descended folks have large sinuses and nasal passages, as well as enlarged nasal openings. Since -I- can smell your trousers from 20' away, I can't imagine any Black folks would want to get within smelling range...which on you, jackass, exceeds the effective range of most of the items in my shop. No, your -boots- smell like cow-shit, your -trousers- smell like people-shit, and -you- smell like you haven't bathed or wiped your ass since the Coolidge Administration.
No, I do not have trout in my ponds. Only catfish.
Yes sir, just catfish. No sir, no trout.
That's right, just catfish. No sir, we haven't had any trout in about twelve years.
No sir, no trout. Right, only catfish.
Yup, got rid of the trout about twelve summers ago.
Yessir, just catfish. No, no trout.
No sir, it's been about twelve years. Yessir, it really has.
Nope, no trout, just catfish.
No, I will not order you a $4,500.00 SASS, REPR, or Remington MSR without a deposit. No, I -don't- "know you're good ferrit."
No, I cannot be intimidated by your tales of service as a Marine Delta SEAL Sniper. Shall we review why?
Look, just because you saw something on "Future Weapons" doesn't mean that:
1: It works (see XM-8, SCAR, AA-12)
2: It'll ever see the light of day (XM-8, LWRC's entry in the LAR contest)
3: You'll be able to buy it (duh, that shit's for the military!)
4: You'll be able to -afford- it (You want a SASS? Sure, that'll be $4500.00 please. No, I will not give you a 25% ex-military discount. Yes, I -do- have to collect Sales Tax.)
Look, just because you saw a picture in a magazine doesn't mean the item exists yet. See the liiiitle-bitty writing down at the bottom? Where it says "PRE-PRODUCTION PROTOTYPE, NOT AVAILABLE FOR SALE" in nice, easily-read English? No, I don't know when it'll finally show up. No, I will not hold one for you without a deposit when they do. No, I don't care that your granddaddy was best friends with the Sherriff's wife's best-friends third cousin.
You cannot possibly be asking me to read you the price on a $10.00 item. My taxes and my parent's taxes paid to send you to school for 12 years, and paid for Policemen to make you go if you didn't feel like it. Please tell me the hundreds of thousands of dollars and man-hours spent on your education were not such a complete waste that you are not only illiterate but innumerate as well. Please. And now you want me to read you the features, weights, velocity and powder-charge of this ammo? Do you even know what any of those numbers -mean- you illiterate, innumerate, inbred broke-dick lazy-ass moron!?
No, I will not trade you -three- working guns for one -broken- gun. No, I will not trade three working guns for one broken gun and half a box of rounds. No, not even if you throw in the rotting '30s-vintage police holster.
No sir, that's not a German Luger. It's a Ruger Mk-I in .22. No sir, not the same. No sir, the Luger was made in Germany and the Ruger is made in the US. Because Ruger didn't exist in WWII, let alone WWI. No sir, it's -not- a Luger, it's a Ruger. No, I can't give you $800.00 for it...well, sir, because it's a Ruger, not a Luger, and in this condition I'd probably be able to sell it for around $200.00. No, sir, I -don't- care that you paid $800.00 for it and now the light-bill needs paying...well, you might want to consider why you're running up a $600.00 electric bill in the first place. Might have something to do with the extra 300lbs of blubber you're carrying around and shoving into my display cabinets?
Hefe, if you don't get these pendejos outta here muy pronto, we are gonna have problems. Immigracion, si. Because they keep trying to STEAL THINGS, asshole! Chinga tus madres, vaya!
